Dear Mick,

I will try, one more time, and then utterly give up and get back to reality television. “But I have a graph, and that makes all your arguments worthless,” and, “Bush was worse, his deficits were more!!”  Well, no. You once said to me that Fox lies, and that you can make up stories, but ya can’t make up facts. That is so right, my bearded little troll. There is a graph for everyone. Facts can be manipulated.  You see, two wrongs do not, in fact, make a right. They make a left. Gotcha! (Cogitate on that one, Mikkie).

It’s all about us silent majority types (OK, not so silent, but that’s another medication). Most of us now have less use for Bush—well, I do mean George, not real bush (small b.), I do still need that—or whatever he did. We do, in fact, LEARN something you might try some day; it’s very underrated. What all the liberal bloggers and “news” media fail to understand is that we see what their way is, and we don’t like it. Not one fucking bit, sir.

I now have personal knowledge of just what happens when you spend lots more than you make. It’s not pretty, Mikko. It doesn’t work, not at all. Ask my wife. Actually don’t ask her, it will only end badly for me if she’s reminded. And a Dodge Ram’s front seat is not big enough for a corpulent person like myself to camp out in (though it does help my chiropractor’s business substantially).  Deficit reduction is economics 101. I was using the failed economics 98 version (you know, the one where you just spend and spend and someone else will eventually pay for it). I didn’t know about the upgrade (D-squared!).

Government only fucks up whatever it touches, like me as a child. It also eats money like I ate Twinkies. What you end up with is only so much chemo-preserved shit piles, just like my Twinkies, which I am told are biodegradable in a few million years or so.  Twinkies, like our deficits it seems, are forever.

Less government is better. Being friendly (not stupid friendly, just friendly) to business is a good way to keep the economy growing. Making the business people afraid to inject money into their business, by making their future unknown as to taxes, health care costs, and carbon surcharges, is stupid unfriendly. These people, by the way, are just the people who hire everyone and pay everyone, so everyone can pay their taxes.  

Basic subjective thinking here, not anything radical at all: When nearly 25% of all workers work for the Government, and only 49% of the citizens pay any taxes at all, well, dem figgers aint addin up. AND, the 5 % of people that pay 90% of the taxes are not the ones you want to be making afraid.  “Although at some point I think you have made enough money” is one of the scarier things Obama has said. The richer they are, the better chances my job will be viable, and I can earn money and pay taxes. You know, unlike now.

When did being successful become evil? It’s what America is all about. Not pie for all, paid for by someone else, but earn your piece of the pie here is what the Statue of Liberty says to all who see her.  It’s what the Tea Party is about. We are not Nazis, we are not psychos, we are not dangerous, and we are not racists. We are just not going to be silent anymore.

Oh yeah, one more thing, Your Mikkiness.  There are, in fact, over sixty-people who appear regularly on the Fox News and Fox Business networks. Try writing about some of the other fifty-seven, you hirsute dork.

And read some of what Europe’s new “Thatcher”, Germany’s Andrea Merkel, has to say about that European Socialism Experiment (ESE).  It officially failed, and everyone knows it (well, just not the French, but who cares about them; they don’t shave or bathe regularly).

John Kerry, you know, Mr. Kiester Island hisself, just came out with a 45-minute speech on how we are all stupid for thinking the way we do. You know, we’re gittin’ tired of hearing it. When you guys run out of argument, it’s all you do. Personal attacks and name calling, geeh that will help me change my mint fer shur. We don’t call you stupid (well I may, but that’s only ‘cause I know you). We don’t go around saying the left is dangerous and un-American…we just don’t want them telling us what to do, is all. The left elitists do seem to get very angry when we stop pretending we worship them. Get used to it; we do outnumber you, after all.

Crank wants out.

The one thing positive to come out of the Obamarama election, ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, was the whole racist thing might finally go away like a persistent case of Herpes Simplex II after the Zovirax treatment (…or so I’m told). Instead, the liberal progressive camp of refrigerator white bearded bald, muscle-less do-gooders (yes, that is a personal attack) has managed to set civil rights back a millennium or two.  Not to mention those embarrassing breakout sores.

If I wuz a minority—which being the world’s only beige gorilla does, in fact, make me—I would be crazy mad at the left. They have made the term “racist” virtually meaningless, much like any given Zano feature.  Having attended a high school in the late sixties/early seventies, which was about 30% minorities, I have seen REAL racism. Disliking the President’s liberal-progressive agenda is NOT racism.

My first meeting with a black senior on my first day as a freshman went something like that scene in Blazing Saddles where the wagon-trainers come upon some Indians.  The natives end up letting the black family go.

“Schvartzes?  They’re darker than us!” said Mel Brooks as the world’s only Jewish Indian Chief. Meanwhile, I was approached for money in the hall. 

The “lead minoritite” as it were, said to me (in the lingo of the period) that I didn’t look at all like the Irish/Polish/German students that made up the majority. I was somehow darker, not Hispanic, yet not black. After telling him I was one of only six Sicilian/Italian descended students in this whole facility, he said I was a bigger minority than he was.  He slapped me five (after all, it was the sixties) and left.

Soon, however, racism would rear its ugly head…real racism. It came to the point when I was forced to choose sides, and I went Black (and never went back). They welcomed me readily, while the “whites” never fully accepted me. And as a fat Sicilian in a school full of tall athletic western European-types, I was happy to be the Deputy Spade, as it were (sorry, Mel Brooks again).

“You don’t like Obama ‘cause you’re a racist.”

No, I don’t like him because he is liberal progressive, running a country mainly just right of center…

“You don’t like the Healthcare bill ‘cause your racist.”

No, it’s because it’s a miserable fucking bill that tried to placate everyone, and ended up being good for no one.

After hearing this shit for a year and a half now, the terms racist/racism have become the “white noise” of the new world order, and that, my fellow Discordians, is a very bad thing indeed (for an example of other bad things, see any Zano feature).

I knew that when they had little left to argue about and when they had used up all the personal insults, the Dems would pull the old race card…

(Speaking of personal insults, Mikko is not permitting me to reply to his reply of my reply to which I can no longer reply, or something like that.  Just like Lord Mel said in a different movie, I guess it’s good ta be da King.)

Now, as the resident ‘piss boy,’ it’s time empty this happy bucket of steaming love.  It still surprises me how far the Dems went with the race card. The aforementioned ghost white scholastic dweebs that are the left’s spin doctors, as well as the “faux minorities” in our media, have managed to cancel out just about all of the good done in the name of race equality.  Remember, MLK got shot for this shit. They are effectively delegitimizing the deaths of many others in the minority, some who have died for this cause. And they did this not for some noble purpose, they did it for egos, politics, and money (which is also the little known sequel to that Warren Zevon song).

Shame on all of you!

 (Er…except Warren Zevon).

Dear dear Mikkie, First I wish to thank you and your family for a wonderful weekend. I especially enjoy the blue lips I now have from the fucking Martianic oxygen levels you  billy goats have ‘up mountain.’ “Hey Crank, what are the perfect things  for a fat, old, oxygen starved gorilla with two knee replacements to do?  I know, let’s walk a lot, eat a lot, and climb some stairs too!  Just because I usually win the argument is no reason to try to finish me off.

Your latest drivel is a milestone in all things drivel; it’s uber drivel. Fast acting uber drivel, which also sounds like something I saw on an infomercial once.  All your—uh, ummm—work, so to speak, was at least fast at getting my pump going enough to redden my lips again. Our conversation over overpriced wine and microscopic desserts was mind numbing. I am amazed you have the guts (not balls, your sister’s got balls) to print it!

Ben Quayle is correct-Obama IS the worst President in history. Not because all he has done is not correct the Bush Abominations. That’s your story.

Here is a list of fuck ups:

1. Appointing know nothing idiots to posts they know nothing about, and have no real experience in. 30 of them. In a row. All failures. Some down right dangerous. A first ASSistant that manages to infuriate more people on his own side than even I do. A Science Czar that thinks Star Trek is real (Live Long and Prozac). An economic Czarina that looks WAY too much like Fred Flintstone and is ironically sending us back to the Stone Age. A Car Czar that didn’t ever hold a real job (right out of school—a real Zano special). A Czar in charge of education who wants children in K thru 8 to be taught the wonders of homosexuality. It is the parents job to permanently fuck up their children’s outlook on sex, like your Grand mother did with me (twitch-twitch-blink-blink).
2. Treating Healthcare Reform more importantly than the current “Bush inspired” economic crisis. And then, fucking THAT up. So much so, it WILL be repealed at most, or left with no funding at the very least.
3. Taking the current crisis at the border as if it were just another political football. Uh, Mik, do you think that the fact that there is “a dry-sandy space” between Mexico and the US will deter the drug cartels from moving north? It will not. It is already happening, but you wouldn’t know it, living in the “rarified air” as you do. Oh yeah, I see them walking up to the border now, and being bounced off the ‘Mikko Force Field’, shaking their heads and returning to Mexico. Stop drinking while watching Star Wars re-runs, you are getting reality confused with fiction.
4. Having the same disease as you do, that is thinking that “if the majority of Americans do not think exactly as I, they must all be wrong, and are too ignorant to see so.” Hey you bearded human beer sponge, do you even realize how ridiculous that sounds? Probably not.
5. Watching the economies of Europe fold up like a Yugo in a wreck with a moose, all the while espousing their economies as the ‘way to go’. Weez aint blind Mikkie, weez jus’ stupid.
6. Taking the exact opposite stance to the vast majority of Americans on EVERY important subject. See items 3 & 4.
7. Because of all the above, American corporations are now sitting on three trillion dollars in their pockets, and not spending a dime, grinding any real recovery into the ground just like you did with your last three poorly maintained cars. Why? People now see the real costs of Crap & Trade, Obamacare, Repeal of the Tax Cuts, new Taxes and fees, the general cost of the interest on trillions of dineros in deficits and the general imbecile-like fascination with unions, as maybe a bad thing? His whole agenda is jobs killing. Just reviewing this shit, Winslow fired two more contributors and three more editors.

In closing Mikko, all the world is not Bush’s fault—a large portion, yes, but all, no. Realize the potential of another fuck up before it’stoo late.

Crank This.

The following is a one-on-one interview with Mick Zano, or the Zanferatu of the Daily Discord. While I feel strongly that the Discord readers must begin to understand the real Zano, it was taking place during a particularly great short-skirted blond interviewing another great short-skirted blond on Fox News, so I was somewhat distracted.

Crank: Hello Mikko

Mick: Huh?

Crank: I want to ask you some questions about your real feelings.

Mick: I don’t have ‘real feelings.’ I live vicariously though my pet hamster.

[awkward silence]

Crank: Well, I have suffered through the Discord almost daily since its inception.  I can honestly say that I have real misgivings about your ability to oversee such an important news destination.

Mick: I don’t oversee shit, blame Winslow.

Crank: You seem to excel at blaming.  First off, with your constant bloviating about how bad the right is, do you have concrete ideas that would change things for the better?

Mick: oh, yes………..

Crank: well?

Mick: Uh, wut? Oh, well Bush was very bad…evil, in fact.

Crank: Sure, but what do you think we as a country should do to improve our current situation?

Mick: First, we must all acknowledge the fact that Bush was bad, very bad, and let’s not forget Cheney.  He was bad too. If we all do this, together, perhaps in the form of a collective sonnet or epic poem, things will undoubtedly change for the better.

Crank: Look, the Tea Party people believe that we should as a nation spend less, tax less, and concentrate on our basic beliefs of smaller government, family values and thrift. What would you say would be better?

Mick: Tea Baggers are bad, stupid, racist and, did I mention, bad?

Crank: Do you think Obama is on the right track?

Mick: No, Obama is getting pretty bad too…

Crank: Who would you think would do a better job?

Mick: Someone that was…well…much better. We are on the track for total annihilation of America as we know it, which, more importantly may impact my personal ability to acquire specialty coffees and Belgian beers.

Crank: Do you believe we can be saved?

Mick: In a word, no.  In two words, no way.

Crank: That’s it?

Mick: Yes. I don’t know what is right; I am just an expert on what is wrong. It is my life’s burden to know when something is wrong—identify it, pointed out, and add witty dialogue for the amusement of others.

Crank: Well, what exactly IS wrong?

Mick:  Everything.  It’s all wrong, all of it.

Crank: Mikko, you always state in your columns that you feel the right has “wrapped themselves in the flag,” and that they are wrong to claim that they are patriotic.

Mick: Oh yes, they all think that they are the only ones that are patriotic.

Crank: Did you attend any Fourth of July festivities this year?

Mick: Fireworks were outlawed in my town. Too dry.  And, besides, you can blow off an appendage.  There’s only one appendage I want blown.  I do see fireworks then.  That’s arguably patriotic.

Crank: Do you own a flag?

Mick: Well, no, too difficult to assemble…and the folding—God, the folding.

Crank: Have you ever worn anything red white and blue?

Mick: No, I am more of a grey person.

Crank: Do you love your country?

Mick:  It’s more of a platonic thing. I get a place to live and, of course, it has helped me reach this stunning level of intellect. 

Crank: Thank you for this revealing interview. Can I switch back to Fox News now? Megyn Kelly is wearing a mini…OhOhhh, say can you see?

Crank

As a legal occupant of Azirona (citizen is too strong a word, it connotes some kind of active knowledge of all things Azironian), I decided that the rhetoric I have heard in the past few months on both sides of the question on Azirona’s new immigration law made it necessary for me to go down to the border and get the scoop myself.

To get information from illegal border crossers, I descended on the local Taco Bell for some value meal items to bribe them with. Once my Ram was filled with an assortment of all things Mexican, I headed south.  I first interviewed a local Sherriff, Buford Weinberg, of Cosha County, AZ.

When asked what was his issue with border security, he answered, “All dem Asians and Europeans a-sneakin across at night was a ruinin our great country.”

I hope I didn’t waste all my money at Taco Bell, I thought.  Maybe Panda Express would have been better.

I reached the border late at night and pulled the Ram into an area Sherriff Weinberg mentioned was a prime spot to encounter “Illegals.” Putting on the night vision goggles I got from my Cheerios box, I waited.  Many hours later, someone with a rather large backpack made his way toward me. It must have been the “Free Tacos” sign I painted on the back of the Ram. As he got closer, I noticed he was totting a hockey stick. As he entered the lit area, I also saw he was blond. He greeted me in English, but with a decidedly Nordic accent. As he sat down, he introduced himself as Ulf Vanninnenn. When asked why he was entering the U.S. illegally through Mexico, he said, “I was denied a hockey visa from our embassy in Finland, and wanted to play for the Phoenix Coyotes.”

When I explained that the Coyotes were a greatly improved team this year, he dejectedly asked me if New Mexico had a hockey team. When I said they did not, he turned back toward Mexico and walked away.

Soon, another figure became visible.

I called out “Free Tacos!”

A bewildered looking Asian couple appeared, and asked why I had no Panda Express. As they sat down to eat their tacos with chopsticks, I asked them why they were sneaking into the U.S from Mexico. They said they had heard that all the Mexicans were leaving the U.S., and that many menial jobs had opened up in the Chinese food industry, as it was widely known in China that Jewish people eat only Chinese food. I tried to explain to them that they might have better luck in the Scottsdale area.  They finished their tacos, and left.

Hungry myself, I sat down and swallowed three tacos whole, like a snake swallows a rabbit. Feeling rather gaseous, I let out an award winning belch, which echoed into the desert night, as a whale song does off the coast of “I can see Russia from my house.” I was smiling when I heard an answer—a monstrous belch echoing through the darkness. A belch from the depths of Hell!

A small figure appeared out of the darkness, and waved to me.

“Bonjiorno,” he said. I introduced myself and offered him some tacos. He stared at them obviously never having seen one. As I assumed from his accent he was Eyetralian.

I pointed and translated, “crispy sausage roll.”

He nodded to me as he took one, and thanked me.

When asked why he was crossing, he said, “I am Giorgio Scavetta, baker extraordinaire.”

I rose, and with tears in my eyes, I hugged him. He said he had heard that it was easier to get a gun in Azirona that it was to get good bread, and that he was here to “rescue the good people of Arrizzonna from such a fate.”  I told him to hide in the back of my Ram, and that I would personally escort this particular illegal back into Phoenix.

I saw no Mexicans going north that night, just a few heading back south. When asked why they were heading south, they said they all had felony warrants in Arizona, and that the new law scared them. They also said that Taco Bell was about as Mexican as Pizza Hut was Italian. 

“We dun nid no steenking tacos, gringo.”

This new law has no downside that I could see.  And, if the Coyotes keep playing well next season, it should keep out the Scandinavians. Oh, and I saw no Border Patrol, no fence, nothing. Uh, Nappy dear, as head of Homeland Security, you can send those National Guard south anytime now, bitch (or is it Bastard?)

The Crank

When the new Arizona law on immigration was announced, all the liberal slash progressive types in the media and the entertainment field came out of the woodwork, like PhotoShoppers on Draw Muhammad Day. It was kinda like the White House rat, I mean Rahm, when he stole the show from Obama’s last speech.  Oh, and thanks to all the cities and officials that want to boycott Arizona. The only people they are hurting is the Hispanic population. They practically run the service industry.  I’m sure we’re all shaking in our boots now that Than Franthithco won’t be here any time soon. I have two words to say to all of the above, THANK YOU. No, REALLY, thank you.

Yes, thank you for all the attention. Thank you for not reading, nor caring to read, any part of the law. Thank you for bringing the country’s undivided attention to our part of the world. The whole country now knows that our Attorney General will give Black Panthers and union thugs a “get out of jail free” card.  I see NU-THING, I hear

NU-THING…while announcing to the world, “I do not have to read a law to know it is wrong. I have ESP, and am a black progressive, and look like Oprah’s boyfriend, so therefore I am correct.”

Thank you for pointing out that Ms. Nappy, ex Governor of AZ, now head of Homeland Security, can hold such a position while admitting to total amnesia. “Mr-er-Ms. Secretary, we have letters you, as Arizona’s Governor, sent to then President George Bush, wanting him to send troops to the border and finish building the fence.”

She replied, “Uh, Senator, I have no recollection of any such letters.  I don’t know nutin, I just woik here.”

Yes, she has a cork at the end of her forks so she doesn’t jam them into her eye sockets.  Apparently, she also has ESP.

“I do not have to read a law to know it’s bad, I am a Lesbian progressive liberal with a permanent bad hair day, and those facts instantly nullify all your arguments.”

Thank you, also, all the elected officials and police chiefs from the northeast and northwest, for knowing what is best for people living in an area you have never visited, nor have any understanding as to WTFIGO (what the fuck is going on).

What youse all have done is to bring to the attention of the whole country something that they all know is a reaction to a government that has, for many years, shirked its responsibility on the border. A law that was copied word for word from a federal law that has been in effect for some 30 years (unconstitutional?).  I love that last part; it shows just how much info one gets on the Lamestream Media. One liberal friend was profoundly surprised to hear it was already a federal law.

“I never heard that on CNN or MSNBC!”

Oh yeah, he can’t watch Fox, they lie J.

Hey, I think we need some more advice from Hollywood types. I have yet to hear from Babs (I Have The Best Voice In The World So I Am An Expert On All Things) Streisand, or what about that wonderful singer from Tucson, you know, “I Used To Be A Hottie Singer But Now I’m A UPS Truck With A Megaphone,” er, what’s her name, Linda Ronstadt. We also need to get Don Henley’s attention away from gouging old people with incredibly priced tickets to Eagles’ concerts.  I am lost without more uninformed opinions.  Thank god for The Discord. 

Come on guys, we know you all are at LEAST as stupid as Al (Expert For A Price) Sharpton! Alice Cooper once said in an interview that people in the entertainment industry are the last people you want an opinion from, having spent most of their formative years in various stages of semi-consciousness. When this fellow Valley of Sunner was asked if he was politically correct, he answered “politically incoherent.”

Almost 70 % of Arizona residents agree with the law. Over 60 % nationwide. And now, for the best part; 40 other states have now donated tens thousands of dollars to a legal defense fund set up to defend the law in court. 12 other states are thinking about their own versions. Just this morning, Senate Dems voted down a bill that would have sent 6,000 troops to the border, and enough cash to finish the fence.

Come on Washington. Lead, follow, or GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY.

But it’s a dry Crank!

These days, Greece may also be the turd.  For those of you in a carbohydrate induced coma (CIC), or those of you too busy protesting for more free shit to notice, Europe is akin to a rather large canoe floating steadily down Shit River, with Victoria Falls in the near distance, without a paddle.

The leftists among us want US to be more like Europe?  Europe?  Free healthcare for all, full pay retirement at 53, 30+ days paid vacation, 32 hr work weeks…you know, let’s just hit a hash bar, Europe? We’ll just get the “rich” to pay for it all. Yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket.  We’ll get that “Rich” fella to pay our way. Well, here’s an announcement for all you Euro-free-ists. Elvis has left the building, and Rich (whoever the fuck he is) has left the continent.  In fact, he took what money you missed with him. He is sitting under a palm tree on Seven Mile Beach on Grand Cayman Island, sipping a Cruzan & Coke, looking at the topless babe laying next to him and laughing at the lot of you.

Oh, no worries…we’ll just get Germany, France and England to bail us out. It worked for Wall Street and the auto companies, didn’t it? Add Spain, Portugal and Italy to the grand total. If you look over your shoulder in your canoe, you will see them right behind you, flailing away with their hands as the falls near. The Germans will just love bailing out stupid people, won’t they? They will own you. Why don’t we just see how big Germany can get? With all apologies to Herr Mikko, it didn’t turn out so good in the forties. 

Let’s see just what you did wrong. First, all of the above. Second, as Thatcher once said in a high pitched voice “you do eventually run out of other people’s money.”  This is what you want US to become? What happened in Greece is their Black Market economy became larger than their actual economy. No one was paying anything to the government, but all were receiving, and then some. It’s what happens to humans when you promise us everything. Once we get used to it, we want it all, and in perpetuity. It’s called “A Welfare State.” Clinton (the one with the penis; OK, the male one; OK, the one in the pants; OK, the one with hairy legs; OK, the one with testicular fortitude; OK, I give up…you figure it out) did the right thing in getting us as far away from that as possible, and now you want to go backwards? Those who didn’t learn anything by watching New York City in the seventies are destined to relive it.

Now you have Greeks protesting cuts in spending to keep from being the first modern country to file for bankruptcy. AKA: “We want our free shit, and we don’t care how you pay for it!”

Progressive policies can not work, for we are only human, and dis aint no Star Trek episode.  If it is, I get the green drink and the green chick. To paraphrase Popeye: we am what we am. Listen up, you progressive dorks, and burn this into what’s left of your brains: Socialism has never worked anywhere, and will never work. Communism/socialism = epic fail.

Please, now, Mr. Obama, we need you to do one thing for us. Go back to Shitcago and give the whole President thing up for a bad idea. Oh, and take your progressive Czars with you.

Crank This.

Here is a recent quote from Penn Jillette, the Vegas magician-slash-entertainer, on the demise of Hummer as a brand, “If any part of the Hummer going belly-up are those government rules we’re putting in on miles per gallon, or us taking over of GM, then I’m not just sad, I’m also angry. Lack of freedom can be measured directly by lack of stupid. Freedom means freedom to be stupid. …You don’t need any freedom to go with majority opinion. … We need to protect other people’s stupid to save freedom for all of us.”

I want to zero in on one sentence in particular: we need to protect other people’s stupid to save freedom for all of us. Never truer words were spoken. In this one little sentence, we find the entire foundation of our freedoms—the inalienable right to be a dork (which has, incidentally, influenced the Ghetto Shaman’s next book, The Tao of Stupid). It’s easy for a world full of sane, levelheaded intelligent people to all get along, just look at Star Trek, or the Senate :). But add to the mix a people whose main objective in life is to be on MTV as someone throws bowling balls at his privates.  Only then do you begin to see how, if we can’t be free to do that, then we are not truly free.

Just like Penn is free to spend a fortune on a home that looks like a women’s prison, (clearly a sex fantasy of his) we all benefit from his right to do so. That doesn’t make any of it any less friggin scary, just free. Hummers, Pintos, Gremlins, Yugos with ‘dubs’—the “dorky” list goes on. Even the great philosopher Abnormal Albert Yankovic wrote of the benefits of stupid in a wonderful soliloquy called Dare to Be Stupid and also in perhaps his most moving piece: Pretty Fly for a White Guy.

We are not truly free if you never see a pick-up with a fake atom bomb on a gun rack in the rear window (or a set of fake testicles hanging from the trailer-hitch). Just as we can never be truly free if we don’t see an English professor driving a Prius with his bearded smile thinking on some misguided level he’s doing the right thing (even though the power from his local power plant comes from burning coal). Stupidity, being fully accepted as a right, may just be the answer we are all looking for. It seems lately that if your ideas “stray” from the mainstream in either direction, you are completely unacceptable to the other side. For truly “liberal” thinkers this is an oxymoron, for the very word is supposed to mean “open to new ideas.” For the far, far right, just moron (sans oxy).

Does watching Xena reruns on the lesbian channel in the middle of the night with the sound off make me unacceptable? I think not…well, maybe a little. Or does Mikko have the right to blog what he is actually thinking in a public forum?  (well, there are boundaries to the rights of stupid and I applaud Zano’s deep exploration of them).

While we must protect our stupid, that doesn’t necessarily mean we should elect and pay them for their stupid, we must: just fight for their right to be stupid. While I will fight for Nancy Pelosi’s right to appear as a Michael Jackson (after the surgery) impersonator, I don’t want her in a position of any importance. While I adamantly insist on the right for Sarah Palin to appear in my nightly forays into the cerebral dark side, I also may not want her in any kind of important position…well, er…nevermind (which reminds me, hey Mikko, can I have a hard copy of the Lynn Cheney pic where she’s in the Nazi getup? I’m going to visit Penn’s prison and we’re making it a theme weekend. Thanks).

With this in mind, I have created the next Amendment to the Constitution: The right of the people to be secure in their own personal stupid, shall not be infringed upon.

Our other problem with stupidity is fear. We fear stupid. We all have a tendency to fear what we don’t understand. When, in reality, we are all just stupid in different directions. Maybe, since stupid is in such ample supply, we should all become more familiar with it. Being a member of my extended family has brought me as close to it as I will ever want to be, but some of you from more normal environs may want to take advantage of my own personal stupidity farm by paying a visit. It might ease you into this whole stupid thing.  Oh, but on your visit to the floor of hell, otherwise known as Phoenix, remember this handy trick: did you ever wish you could pee your pants anywhere in front of anybody and get away with it? Well, here in the Valley of the Sun, it will evaporate before it reaches the outer layer of your clothing.  I have invented a word for this, my own personal singlet if you will—the verb to pissappear [piss-uh-peer].

Or would you rather breathe air so thin that you walk around knowing what it’s like to be asphyxiated? In that case, a trip up the mountain to Mikko’s would be in order. I sometimes think the lack of oxygen up there explains his views.

Obama is as Obama does.

The (I am pissing as we speak) Crank