Mikko, I usually forgo reading your diatribes because, well, your diatribes are no longer funny. I don’t like being sad, and you make me sad. Sad is the opposite of funny. I’m sorry, but it’s true, ask anyone. Oh, that’s right…to ask someone you’d have to be on speaking terms with them. Sorry, I forgot the whole “Zano no longer exists in our world” pledge we all took here at the ‘cord.

I know from watching the Living Dead movies it must hurt to be dead. Does it hurt to be the vast minority? It’s really near the same thing, after all. One is dead, but it doesn’t seem to grasp the sichiashun. The other is, well, you get my point. I think Stone Keef has a better grasp of the fact his days are numbered than you do.

The “grass roots” Wall Street protesters are funded by their own “Koch Brothers” in the person of George Soros. You know, the guy that made billions by shorting the British Pound, and almost bankrupted a nation? Yeah him. The Tea Party actually thought  they could save the country, whether their ideas were right or wrong is immetesticle. The “Wall Streeters” are the polar opposites, working for a guy who wants to fundamentally change the way we are as a nation. No not Obama, the other snake, Soros. He claims to want a new world order, to make privately owned businesses and corporations a thing of the past. Of course, he actually is a closet capitalist, big time, having made billions the old fashioned way. He is the Dracula to your Renfield (only Renny laughs funnier than you do). But, hey, you did say once you’re prepared to eat bugs, right? He is using the “educated elite” of our nation (you know, you) to do his bidding. The good thing about the Koch Brothers is they are just what they say they are ruthless businessmen. They ain’t hiding a thing. We know what they are useful for, and just where they get dangerous. Soros, on the other hand has you all hornswaggled.

Did you know that the insurance company he owns, ‘Progressive’ is pedaling a new ‘Black Box” that he wants you to voluntarily insert in the OBD2 port in your car to save you money by tracing your driving habits, and possibly sell the info to the highest bidder. Can you say ‘Big Brudda’? No shit, ask your sister, the smarter Zano.

So get off the whole idea that this is anything but a political ploy, as was the Tea Party. There is no grass roots anymore, look out the window. It’s all dead, beige as a rock lawn in Sun City. It takes money, union power, and, well, weed, to get a good youth protest going today. I read dozens of news articles on both sides of the argument every day. I have a boring job, after all. To keep name calling and dismissing to the other side, like you do, is really what one does when they got nuthin left. Reading you is almost painful, and can only possibly be funny to you and other like minded drones, who just can’t wait for us to become Europe.

Reagan said it best, “we could all vote with our feet.” As smelly as yours are, you should get them to motivate you over to the big E, where you can feel right at home. You said you think at some point I will have to “get out of your way”. You have stated many times you think it’s‘over’ for us. Well Mikko, just maybe you need to get out of OUR way. We are not ready to give up.

You will pry my (insert personal valuable here) from my cold, dead hands

The Crank

I don’t typically intervene in the creative process of the contributors, even their gross misuse of bold, italics, ALL CAPS, BOLD ITALIC UNDERLINE ALL CAPS, but this is getting old… This whole ’buttle thing stops now. Crank: Zano wrote a little ditty [‘bout Jack and Diane…] comparing and contrasting Teabaggers and Occupy Wal*Marters; you came out with something wholly unrelated.

There are some valid points in there, somewhere, but it really does end here, I swear, on the graves of my long fallen ancestors, the Native Americans, who were slaughtered at the hands of freedom lovers and their fuckin’ Manifest Destiny {Washington Redskins? Really?)…

And I hate to defend Mick Zano, a man who remains nearly impossible to work with…which reminds me, you’re fired, Zano!

But Mr. Crank, you said reading Zano’s last post makes you sad. You know what makes me sad? Your current reading comprehension level. Zano had a few main points in his last post and you, as usual, missed all of them. Way back when, he warned the Tea Party to remain independent or risk a hasty demise under the Fox News banner and, ummm, that’s what happened. He has shown a keen political insight beyond what I expected when we started this little project.

Now, according to his latest post, he’s simply warning Occupy Wall Street not to make the same mistakes as their predecessors. He’s saying, don’t follow George Soros or MSNBC or anyone else for that matter. He even said it’s a “long shot” that they won’t get roped in by the lefties. He’s even suggesting incorporating Tea Party ideas into their platform while encouraging this group to become a viable and completely separate third party. That’s what I take from his last post. How does that possibly get translated into: Zano is George Soros and a socialist and is wrong about everything? How can that possibly be your interpretation? Alas, I don’t think you can read. In conclusion, it seems Zano has not been hornswoggled by George Soros, but you have certainly been hornswoggled by the Koch Brothers.

Zano then talks about how people immediately interpret things through a filter. Then you interpret everything he says through the very filter he’s talking about. Stop making his points for him. Frankly,he’s a smug enough bastard without your help.

Oh, and Zano…you’re still fired!

Einstein once said for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction^*. One smart, hairy Jew, that E fella.  Sometimes, a reaction occurs that wasn’t foreseen by the ‘actor’. That is what is known as an ‘unintended consequence.’ The Daily Discord has become the unintended consequences capital of the internet lately and on the national stage…well, that’s even worse.

*Winslow’s note: I know, this is actually Newton’s Third Law of Motion from some 192 years before Einstein was born, but he’s on a roll…

If I read another joke on the Discord making fun of someone’s physical or mental disability (action), I get angry (reaction). The unintended consequence (UC) of that is an immediate flashback to a dream where I turn Mikko into a Bermuda tree frog. You see, there is humor, and there is the ‘oh shit, I spent all fucking day at the brew pub (or coffee shop, pick one) and now I must think of something quick and easy to fill this spot *buurrrp* type of humor.

Enter the Daily Discord.

On the national stage, every time Washington comes up with a new banking regulation to help the poor, uninformed, consumer. Their thinking is that whatever it was, will now no longer happen. The UC is that the banks just move on to another way to do what it is they do…make money. AKA, thank you Washington assholes for the five dollar debit card fee, my favorite UC of the week.

The action was Obama making it a shameful thing to be successful, to be a wealthy business man. The reaction is the liberal public, you know, the ones with no real money intent on excoriating big business. The UC is, now, when Obamatron goes looking for takers at his $45,000.00 per plate fundraiser, they are all at the Romney one. Oops! This same action had other reactions and UCs too. The White House sets up “impromptu grass roots” protests with the aid of SEIU union thugs (video seen), wherein an ‘Occupy DC’ organizer saying he paid some people to show up for some free weed. The Press calls them “Democracy in action.”  Of course, when asked what they’re protesting, you either got a “whaaaaat?” or a glazed look. When the organizers do decide to stop leaving the Mallowmars on the benches, the place will look like the side of Home Depot where the illegals hang out between “jobs.”

The UC for this, you ask? They all look even less intelligent when we remind them of Tea Party meets, where the participants actually knew what it was they were protesting, and left the place cleaner than when they started.  Meanwhile, the press reactions of ‘Astroturf, racist rednecks’ look all the more like Mikko’s brewpub jokes. You cannot have it both ways. It’s either all good or all bad. When MSNBC focused on the two obvious Nazi idiots that attended every Tea Party meet, the immediate reaction is “See, what’d I tell you?” The UC? Now when Fox focuses on the two 9/11 truthers and the one raving anti-Semite at the Wall Street protests, you can’t say shit. “When you did it, it was bad, but now we do it, it’s good.” It looks so stupid to all but the most educated elite. Oh yeah, and if you are a protester and shout out a hale and hearty Kill the Cops!, the reaction is a cheer from your buds, but the UC is this: your testicles are now in your asshole, and your face has so much pepper spray that it starts to melt off in the Mug shot of you now all over the internet.

When Eric (Mr. Winfrey) Holder said he heard of Fast & Furious gun-running only a “few weeks ago”, the reaction is a momentary clear head. The UC is when an email surfaces that he knew a year ago, he now looks like the liar he is. He lied, people died, and the cover-up makes Watergate look like child’s play in comparison. Nixon is taking notes in his grave and even Darth Cheney is jealous.

When I choose to forego taking my meds, the reaction is usually a speeding ticket. The UC is that sleeping in the Ram hurts. When my liberal friends and fambly try to edumacate me, the reaction is usually deafening silence, followed by a UC of small talk about the weather. It used to be sports small talk, but here in Arizona, it’s too depressing a subject. I hope the Cardinals kept the receipt for Kolb, maybe we can return him for a small re-stocking fee. Oh, and anyone want to buy a hockey team? It comes with a free mall!

When I choose to make a killer tomato sauce on my day off, the reaction is a heavenly supper. The UC? Garlic fingers for a week. No amount of anything changes that. It’s written in Italian law books, like a minimum sentence. “You be guilty of mak-a da sauce, you get-a da garlic fingers for-a five-a days. When I get too busy to go to the restroom all day, the reaction is no wasted time. The UC, to paraphrase Larry the Cable Guy, is the need to take a midwife with me when I do go. Ow?

If you go all the way to Germany in October, the reaction is that you better like Beer. If you don’t, the UC is weaving around the drunks and periodically scraping the vomit off your shoes. If you are a transsexual with a famous mom, and you are on Dancing With the Stars, you will go on to the finals thanks to every Gay in America voting for you week after week. The UC? You can’t dance to save your life, your knees are shot and you have a gut that makes mine look like six-pack abs. This will also become increasingly idiotic as we approach the finals. What do you mean how do I know this? I never watch it….Zano fills me in…really.

When one chooses to put their phone on ‘speaker’, the reaction is that everyone hears everything easily. The UC? Everyone hears everything, including people in the room who have such a small amount of care about your conversation that Steven fucking Hawking couldn’t find it.

When you are the first female speaker of the House of Representatives and you go amongst Tea Partiers with the rest of the Democrat gang, and you are smiling & holding an obscenely large gavel to show how you plan to ram legislation down the throats of Americans, the reaction is hatred and disgust. The UC? You are no longer speaker. You are now an overlooked old lady, and most of the ‘gang’ are now back home nursing their wounds.

When you are Senate majority leader, and you abruptly change centuries old Senate rules to favor the majority, the reaction is immediate silencing of the minority. The UC? It will come back to bite you in your boney old ass when you become the minority after the next election.

When you are the faculty of the City University of New York, and you are on tape teaching your students to go out and fight Capitalism and institute Socialism, the action is a worked up youth movement. The UC? Pissed off parents fucked out of $200K in tuition when they end up having their children living with them ‘til they die because they learned nothing in college and can’t get a job.

If you are the CEO of Tom-Tom navigation systems and you land Jeremy Clarkson to voice the GPS system, the reaction is immediate influx of money. The UC? Everyone in the U.S. now gives directions with a British fucking accent. John Cleese has not helped either.

If you are the thought police, and you try to make Religion disappear from the minds and hearts of believers in the U.S, the reaction is angry religious people. The UC? Jesus IS coming, and boy is he PISSED!

If you are the United States of America, and half of your adult residents pay no income taxes, and the same half are on some kind of government subsidy, the reaction is, well, you’re fucked. The UC? The ones who do make money and pay taxes are also, well, fucked.

After doing a story on Fast & Furious, Jon Stewart recently stated this: “Note to Fox News: You had better see a physician immediately. The erection you now have is going to last a lot longer than four hours.”

Boy is he ever right.

Crank This

In retrospect, as I watched the Circus Minimus, a.k.a. the debt ceiling debacle, my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do without Ritalin.  Can there really be this many ideologically enslaved people all in one place? Do they really think we believe the talking points anymore?  Then it all came into raging clarity as I watched Blazing Saddles for the 367th time last night.  I don’t mean to offend with this culturally insensitive material.  It’s Mel Brooks’ fault, honest.  If you want to really be offended, check out one of my regular features.

1. First came the congeniality:

“Some more entitlements, Mr. Taggert?”

“I’d say you’d had about enough!”

2. Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!

“We the white God-fearing citizens of real America wish to express our extreme displeasure with your lack of spending cuts.”

3. The votes to raise the debt ceiling are still not there:

“I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs,thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Independents!“

4. When it still looks bleak:

“Gentlemen, we need to save our phony baloney jobs.”

5. Another plan emerges:

“Someone go back to Congress and get a whole shit load of Dems.”

6. Democrats regroup:

“Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that tax revenue: the rightful owners. Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our Dow. Just 24 hours, that’s all I ask.”

7. Dems start to show their frustration:

“That’s Hedley!!”

8. More side show distractions:

“Where da white women at?”

9. Then the ax fell for some:

“They lose me after the bunker scene.”

10. Still another lousy plan emerges:

“Elementary, cactus head.”

“My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of expensive alternatives.”

11. Republicans are stunned:

“More spending?  Investing in infrastructure?  What will that asshole think of next?”

12. Reverend Al Sharpton and God intervene:

“Oh Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty debt raising mission? Or are we just jerking off?”

13. Hooray!  The Debt ceiling is raised.  We live to spend another day!!!!

“I’m needed wherever outlaws rule the west…wherever people cry out for justice.”

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok Mikkey, here is another one of those generalities you hate so much. All your statements on “climate change” “global farting” “death warmed over” or whatever you choose, are wrong. All of them (Geeh, I so love doing that).

First, the earth hasn’t warmed in over ten years. Know why? I do J! China’s spewing of sulfur dioxide from burning coal, that’s why. A recent study indicates that so2 actually reflects sunlight in the atmosphere. Of course, it also causes acid rain. (Oops) Lets not stop them from doing what they’re doing, there is nothing in it for the “warmers”, let’s do something here, like then paying the scientists even more to now figure out how we (the US) can negate the effects of the rest of the world, while simultaneously going broke doing it.   Money

Second, it has been admitted by UN scientists that they repositioned most of the temperature sensors worldwide closer to centers of population, to skewer the results. They all make quite a lively hood of it all, hundreds of millions for the scientists and the likes of fat Al, with his jet and mega mansion, and G.E, with its already set up carbon credit Ponzi-sham money robbing system. Mo Money.

Third, let’s look at facts: we (the U.S.) have all but stopped so2 emissions , lowering them some 70% from 1980. We also have added hundreds of millions of cars and trucks to our roads from 1970’s numbers, yet we have not increased the amount of pollution directly from them one iota. How, by re-engineering the way the internal combustion engine works, and using wind tunnel testing for aerodynamics. The U.S. is a world leader in many areas of pollution control. Hell, even Canada and Mexico are producing more so2 than we are. That is exactly why more and more companies flee to Canada/Mexico (our own auto industry) and China/India for most of the worlds manufacturing. Less energy costs, less labor costs (no unions), less governmental incursions. Even Mo Money

Fourth, most of the CO2 that we expel into the atmosphere does not increase global temperatures one degree. It is diluted into the oceans, and then what is left is re-released into the lower atmosphere where it is all absorbed by plants. By regulating CO2 as a harmful gas, the E.P.A.(Evil Pay-me Administration) will only cost us billions, and help no one, no one but those evil Chinese Indians with emphysema. Want to really help? Go to the equatorial rainforests and stop them from clear cutting hundreds of hectares a day for uselessly farming the land (it does not farm well at all), or worse still, burning the trees to make coal for energy. Whole Shit-Loads O’ Money

Fifth. The United Nations whole environmental plan is not based on China and India doing anything. Look it up, sir. What t is all about the U.S. paying monies to so- called “third world countries” like, well, China and India, (surprise face now) to “help them clean up their act”. Fuck them. We did it on our own. The UN cares nothing about anything except the re-distribution of wealth, from our pockets to theirs.

It is all questionable at best, junk at worst. Just to show you how money related it all is, here if the best example I can find. In Australia, there is a company that requested it receive some form of “carbon credits” or the monetary equivalent, from their government, for killing Camels. Yes, those lovely, spit in your face, multi humped dromedaries. Evidently, Australia has a shit load (sorry) of camels, who knew? It wants to shoot them by helicopter. They are using actual studies by the so called climate scientists that show that in The Land Down Under, (where women swoon and men plunder), camels release too much methane, thus help cause global whatever. This is no shit, (pardon the poopy pun) it is real.

So, to close, dear Mik, cause not the US to fall further towards the event horizon of the black hole that is failure of the U.S economy by making us the only ones paying for all this shit. Move your ass to China or India and work on them for a while. Make them catch up to us, and then we can talk about further restrictions. Having us do something that is negated a thousand times by other countries, all the while costing us billions, and sending all of our manufacturing to China and India, is just plain gap-toofed stooped.

Talk to the hand

Crank

Spiro T. Agnew was right thirty some odd years ago.  He called it how he saw it. The “Press” and its Liberal/Progressive lemmings are exactly what he said they were, “Effete intellectual snobs.”  He got his ass handed to him in a mayonnaise jar for that—only he was right on the money.

Harvard—that bastion of knowledge that teaches you how to talk, not how to do—just released a ‘study’ that, in effect, stated those who ‘subject’ their children to Fourth of July activities are harboring future Republican/Conservatives, which amounts to mind control and a form of indoctrination. After I saw the results of the study, and after the hrroid rage finally subsided (different type of rroids, from a different part of the body), I felt sadness. It has finally come full circle. If you love your country, and show it, you are a bad person. I have two words for this study…ASS HATS.  You know, like those people who take up two parking spaces at the mall, ASS HATS.

My own family members have stated to me that that’s one of the things they most hate about Conservative / Republicans is that they “wrap themselves in the flag, like they are the only ones allowed.”

To that I say, “I am not bogarting the flag, sir, you haven’t once said ‘gee could I wave that for a while?’”

You could, you know, you really just don’t seem to want to. New concept, “you can love your country without loving who is or isn’t in power.”

Obama handed congress its ass for wanting to take the “Fourth” off. He said they had better work through it until their job is done. He then waved as he boarded Marine One for a golf and family weekend—you know, with the daughters who he doesn’t know their ages. ASSHAT.

When I was a child, everyone loved and celebrated the fourth, Dems and Repubs alike. It was just what you did. Note to anyone who doesn’t love this country enough to show the kids what it’s all about, either move or get elected and change things. Sitting cross legged on the Adirondack chair by the poolside bitching about social injustice is just what got Europe into trouble. When they finally went belly-up, they asked the E.U.(Germany) for bail out Deutschmarks.

Angela Merkel of Germany said it best, “If you want Germany to come to your rescue, you had better start working as hard as we do.”

Imagine that…actually work for your money…what a concept.

Rich people who worship at the altar of socialism are the used car salesmen of our time. They expect you to believe what they say, even though they got all their money the old fashioned way, Capitalism. No one gave it to them. Only the true “educated” of our country are stupid enough not to see it.

Were our founding dudes perfect?  No, but they seem a whole lot smarter than today’s experts.

Happy Friggin’ Fourth!

The Crank

I am hereby demanding the Palin misogyny stop. I know it’s OK to make fun of hot looking conservative women. Of course, this is complicated by the fact that most liberal progressive women look like The Oak Ridge Boys with titties, so I guess that’s why you do what you do, never getting to wax political with a hot babe. Also, it’s just not funny. Especially when you involve her harming her children, which is also OK for you, I guess. A real laugh riot, Mikko. It is exactly the type of reaction that is ringing the death knell for liberal politics. You all are doing it to yourselves. And I am standing on the sidelines with a Coke and some pasta, laughing my furry beige ass off.

Palin, unlike yourself, actually finished college and got a degree in only four years! Imagine that, not taking that year off for International Beer Studies. I didn’t realize they had a 5 ½ year degree in ‘Beer and the Internet’ till yours. She also beat out a long time ice encrusted Governor, a favorite of the people. Oh yeah, she also told the oil companies where they could go if they didn’t toe the line. Alaska is in a great financial position directly because of her not taking shit from the oil companies.

You know what is the funniest part of the latest in Palin bashing? The whole Revere ride thing. She is correct. Just read the book “The True Story of Paul Revere,” by Charles Gettemy. I bet you also thought that Revere actually said “The British are coming”. No one learns history in school anymore, the teachers today are way too busy teaching socialism, union policy, and anti American hate (see Tucson) to have any time for anything else. And the problem isn’t going away by throwing taxpayer dollars at it. Japan does a lot more with a lot less. Hell, schools in the sixties did a lot more with a lot less. The emphasis on math and science is being blamed because of No Child Left Stupid. Bullshit.  Look, in the sixties we learned all three, math science and U.S and World history. Alright four, all four things. Damn that higher math again. Today, when it comes to the school administrators’ compensation gravy train, it’s more like “No Bureaucrat Left Behind?”

No mainstream media outlet will admit to any of this, but it’s all OK. You see, you can make fun of Palin all day, it only fortifies our position, that you are either ignorant of history (which is possible, considering European pubs don’t teach all that much U.S. history), or you are all really scared diaperless of her, as you should be. You see, I don’t want her as President. I want her as Energy Secretary. But, the more you make fun of her, the more I want to see her as President, so your head will explode like that scanners dude. I told you Mik, paybacks are a bitch—even a Bitch one may want to bang like a screen door in a category five twister.  Sorry, that was sexist, omit that Winslow.

As for the deficit, a stronger economy is the only way to lessen it. New taxes have never worked. Ever.  When Ronald Regan first lowered the tax rates, federal income from taxes went up bigtime. The reason the deficit didn’t shrink was that the Democratic controlled Congress spent it as fast as it came in. Fact. After 911, Bush’s cuts ended a recession in months. If he hadn’t followed this up by spending money like a drunken Democrat, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in now.  We are now 3+ years into this one. The more this idiot Obama tries to regulate by edict, the more frustrated businesses become, the less they hire. We don’t need any new laws, we need someone with the balls to enforce the ones we have. There were enough laws on hand during the beginning of the latest recession to stop it in its tracks. No one enforced them. Not Bawney or Chris, or the S.E.C. The only one doing his job at the time was Elliott (I ain’t no Weiner) Spitzer in New York as Attorney General.  He made the corporate and banking bigwigs do the perpwalk. He then fucked it all up, and the only one watching the store was now history.

As for the whole Bush thing Mikko, I read yesterday that everyone that gave $500k to Obama’s election (called bundlers) got big government positions. Officially, more in two years than Bush did in eight years, way more. This is the exact thing Obama rallied against in his campaign speeches. He is a liar and a fraud. Obama is the arrogant Butthead to Bush’s Beevis and is the worst person at the worst time for America. In today’s news it tells that his own counsel told him he needed Congressional approval for Libya, and he ignored him—just like he ignored his own bipartisan jobs council’s advice. In approving the DOJ to take Boeing to court over a union thing only proves that. Do they realize that if they were to actually win this lawsuit, the ramifications are mind boggling? All businesses that start up will never do so in a union state, they will become wastelands, and the ones already there will now move overseas. It could mean an end to our way of life altogether. I’m sorry, even Rosetta Stone couldn’t get me to speak Mandarin. You will see rice wine come out of the noses of the Chinese when I ask, “Where can I rent some vegetables?” (an inside joke with Mick).

Old Hotwheels himself, Steven Hawking, couldn’t find the amount of care Obama has for jobs. He is frozen by his ideology. Not having ever earned a real living in his life, he has nothing else to compare anything to. Kinda like you. Obama has recently stated that automation, like ATMs, is responsible for the high unemployment. The ATM union is not amused. ATMs across the country vow to strike. No more money vomited out, no money to spend. Doomed!

I want the government to do as little as possible, and improve the way it does what it should be doing, like enforcing the borders. It has been proven time and time again that the U.S government can’t run anything well. The U.S Post Office will indeed go bankrupt soon, as it should, and be privatized. This past week, FEMA sent a letter to a homeowner in Joplin, stating that his home, now without walls or roof or floor, is not damaged enough to warrant financial help. I do not want these people running a lemonade stand, much less my healthcare.

Oh yeah, the whole global warming thing, well a new study from NASA, as well as one from a British university, now show the Sun is entering a “quiet stage” as she has before, and the upper atmosphere is actually cooling. Nature don nid no steenkeeng badges, she do what she please. I guess if we are to keep warm, we should start to fart ourselves silly. According to the studies, if the Sun gets any quieter, a mini Ice Age may be in our future. And I was so looking forward to the accepted semi-nudity the whole Global Warming thing. Oh well, can’t have it all.

Well, time for some Twinkies and a float in the pool.

Layta

Crank

You know it’s too late when they start to get that glassy-eyed look—a look that can only be described as a pot head minus the beneficial “medicinal” effects. I recently went to dinner with four progressive familial units (PFU), a setting where I should refrain from speaking on any number of topics.  It’s just too much to ask me to choose between Spaghetti Bolognese and terminal heartburn. I like to eat, ok. I’m circumferencely impaired. But listen, family, if you are trying to help me eat less, just keep it up.  We’ll call it the Reflux Diet Plan.

When the conversation turned to Mexico, I should have just mumbled with a fork full of red drippy deliciousness…just keep smiling and nodding like the stupid friggin’ redneck they all think ah is. I guess every family has their black sheep, and I am theirs—only in the form of a beige gorilla. So the conversation went like this…I happened to mention that, no, we did not “take” all the southeast U.S. from Mexico. Arizona was taken from the Apaches, not Mexico. Mexico wanted the area for themselves only after they realized it was beneficial to them.

I had been taught that there were no Mexican settlements anywhere in northern and central Arizona or New Mexico, only white settlers, a few black ones, and some Jewish Indians. Oh wait, that was a Mel Brooks movie. Sorry. Anyway, the same was true in Texas. We settled it when there were little to no Mexican settlements in Texas. Santa Anna wanted to tax the settlers, period. They dint nid no steenkeen badges, but a crap load of U.S. cash would work.  We did win the war, and Texas was ours. Mexico agreed that most of the land was ours, duh, with the exception of about 30,000 square miles of southern Arizona and New Mexico that actually had some Mexican settlements on it.

What part of southern Arizona and southern New Mexico we did “take” from Mexico, I said, we paid for. I said that Santa Anna was broke, and we PAID him, in GOLD, 10 million dollars worth for it after meeting him at a pawn shop in Mesa.  We gave him roughly 33¢per acre. Even The Donald would be proud.

Now here is the part I loved the most. After my little diatribe was done, I got looked at weirdly, and then I was actually asked what alien form of American History had I studied-chuckle-chuckle-snicker-snicker. I then mentioned that there is a plaque near my home at a line across southern Arizona on a map, saying it was ‘The Gadsden Purchase” etc etc. They (including a friggin school teacher) hadn’t a clue. Crickets…………….

I guess it was my imagination. I love being told I’m wrong, laughed at, then another dinner companion states “He still doesn’t get it, when will he see…” followed by the glassy-eyed stare, and “maybe we can get our own country.” I understand they are trying to do just that in Tucson. I can help you move. I have a truck.

By now, I wish I had ordered the something a much lighter. I was starting to taste bites I had eaten an hour ago. It was the reflux diet plan kicking in again.  And, let’s not forget, all this organic Italian food comes only with Pepsi…no Coke-eh, Pepsi. I was screwed from the get go. I mean grief, bullshit, attitude, smugness, all things I put up with regularly, and with a smile, I might add…but NO COKE? That’s where I draw the line.

My other familial liberal, Mikko, as most libs do, uses statistics whenever we say anything positive about Conservatism. Mark Twain had a quote he used, a quote he said came from the Brit Benjamin Disraeli:

“There are three types of lies: Lies, Damn lies, and statistics.”

Mikko also uses half truths a lot. Yes, there was one lawsuit that Acorn did win, in one of the most liberal courts in the country. However, they are still in the middle of suits all over the country that will not be settled for years. And it still does not change what their mission is, and was. You can ignore the likes of Acorn and the S.E.I.U.; I choose not to.

You Liberals, if you do wish to survive, have to realize you must stop insulting the rest of us. At some point in the near future, we will have had about enough of you, as Kirk did with Commander Kruge in The Search for Another Sequel. I’m sure I can make a sauce that goes with liberal. Most of you have forgotten just what the word ‘liberal’ means. Liberals have become closed-minded elitists that want to curtail free speech when it doesn’t align with their thinking. They call it ‘hate speech’ or ‘racism’. They are not above slinging mud in a way that makes Republicans look positively amateurish. And, when all else fails, as it does most times with Mikko, they blame Bush. “Bush did something like that at some point in the past, so all of you arguments are invalid.” No, not in real life.

The way I now look at it, if youse guys want to live in your own little rosy world, laughing at the stupid people, by all means, do so. I only wish I could too. The problem? Someone has to give a fuck. And, someone has to pay for it all. That would be us. In reality, if a Sarah Palin, a Rand Paul or a The Donald Trump does become President someday, it will be blood on your hands, my liberal friends. We would have taken all we could stand and will elect someone who you hate most. It is your choice, but paybacks are a bitch.

Note for the future: only meet with family for coffee. But on the bright side, I wonder if I could ‘bring-up’ a cannolli after it was eaten…

Mmmmmmmm, regurgitated cannollis.

The “burrrp” Crank