dailyDiscor

Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.

Discord Apology XXXIV

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Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time.  We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity.  Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.

Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.

On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter.  In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.

Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well. 

I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine.  The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help.  On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!
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Discord Apology XXXV: The Fast and the Edit-less

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Discord Apology XXXV: The Fast and the Edit-less

Philadelphia, PA—It’s retraction time again, folks.  We continue to make a whole host of mistakes here at the Discord—mistakes that not only damage our credibility, but continue to inflict consequences on any number of  individuals across the globe.

If you notice in the above picture, looters made off with the Pyramid of Chephren, not—as we stated in our initial post—the Great Pyramid of Giza.  So, apparently, someone made off with the not-so-great Pyramid of Giza…which is still pretty damn serious!  The B.A.C of our PhotoShoppers was also pretty damn serious and may have contributed to the error.

As for our moronic marquee moment, U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICA, we simply forgot the rest of that sentence.  It was supposed to read: U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICANS FROM JAPAN.   Sometimes part of the sentence slips down behind the banner, or something.  We understand why that caused a bit of panic, heh, heh, and for that we are truly sorry.

We also learned that if a horrific earthquake/tsunami hits Japan, we should wait a good 72 hours before posting a Godzilla joke.  Live and learn.

Finally, the Ghetto Shaman would also like to apologize for his crude, drunken Facebook posts last weekend.  Or, as he puts it, “Shit happens, bitches.”

We are listening to your feedback, but, please keep in mind, we’re idiots.  Most of our teachers told us long ago that we would never amount to anything.  And now, as adults, our Probation Officers would like to second that motion.
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Viva Lost Coverage: Zano’s Vegas Coverage Fiasco

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Pierce Winslow

Zano begged me to give him another chance, so, being the kind-hearted soul I am, I decided to dispatch him over to Vegas.  We arranged to have him upload some live feeds to me from the Riviera during the New Year’s Eve festivities.  We were going to incorporate Twitter, it was going to be great—and what did I get for my trouble?  Bupkis.  I got less than bupkis, I got bupk.

Bald Tony with what looks to be lit reindeer antlers sprouting out of his head

First off, Zano sends me this “picture” and I use the term loosely. This photographic gem is of Bald Tony with what looks to be lit reindeer antlers sprouting out of his head.  Here’s the accompanying Crackberry text from Zano:

7:15PM: We are at the Wynn and the Encore (as locals call it WynnCore).  There is an awesome hourly show out back, very freaky.  I hug Tony out of fear (OK, I added that last part, but it’s probably true).  Cocktail waitresses in Vegas typically range anywhere from the Jessica Alba variety to the Phyllis Diller variety, but at the WynnCore, it seems we are blissfully Dillerless.  All of them rate very high on the shwing scale.  The place is so high scale you can even eat out of the urinals, but those blue-comb, men’s room attendant goons frown upon this. 

7:47PM: We checked out the menu at the SW Steakhouse.  “These prices aren’t too bad,” I said, but then Tony pointed out those were the appetizers.  I hug Tony out of fear (OK, I added that last part, but it’s probably true).

Bald Tony set Zano up at the Riviera

Then, at 9:35PM Nevada time, I get this picture of what looks to be the Riviera and the Stratosphere in the distance.  Bald Tony set Zano up at the Riviera, so at least there’s proof he made it outside his hotel room.  Here’s the accompanying text for this one:

9:27PM: There’s an English style pub, The Queen Victoria, on the ground floor.  Here’s the equation: the room is under Tony’s name + I billed the room for my tab = I may never leave.

I don’t know why I pay these idiots.  Oh, that’s right, I don’t. Regardless, I’m still getting the short end of this schtick.  Not one picture of the fireworks! Not one picture of the crowd!  Here’s the last transmission from Zano:

11:02PM: Separated from Bald Tony.  Throngs of what can loosely be described as people, some dressed garishly.  Not sure what garishly means.  Will Google later.  I have been in Times Square on New Years but nothing comp…”

It looks like it might be a line of motorcycle cops, but it’s kind of blurry

That’s all I got.  Oh, the humanity.  At left is the last picture he sent me.  It looks like it might be a line of motorcycle cops, but it’s kind of blurry.  I aint bailing those fuckers out…again!  No one has heard from either of them at this point.  Perhaps they are lost to us…I should be so lucky.

OK, Zano, if you’re still in Vegas and free to move about unfettered, you should be able to see Trump Tower from the Riviera.  OK, now walk over there before reading any further.  I’ll know if you don’t, so proceed there NOW!

Are you there?  Good, because I am preparing my own fireworks display of sorts.  Are you in the lobby?  OK, now find a picture of Donald Trump—a gold statue in his likeness will suffice.  OK, kneel down at its feet.  Excellent.  OK, you may continue…

You’re Fired!
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