Pokey McDooris

Pokey is The Discord's chief theologian and philosopher. Pokey performs an important function here at The Discord, namely by annoying the living shit out of Zano, whenever he submits something.

Atheism Is Dead: Don’t Believe the Unbelievers

by Pokey McDooris • April 21, 2014

Pinning down your logical fallacies, Zano, is like playing Whack-a-Mole with a Q-tip, on acid, while surfin’ the web on an outdated Blackberry, while trying to sign up for Obamacare—early on in the enrollment period—and throw in some more acid…but worse.

I’m just gonna focus on whacking one mole at a time. Let’s start with your absurd claim that we are entering the Age of Atheism. If our country really is entering the age of atheism, then how do you explain the American people electing such a devout Christian as Barak Obama? Remember his words, less than six years ago, while he was running for office, and he was asked his opinion about gay marriage; President Obama answered, “I personally believe that marriage is a union between a man and a woman; and as a Christian, I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.” If we were truly becoming an atheistic nation, would we have elected someone who publically professed such a traditional faith? (This is called ‘irony’.)

You claim that all cultures eventually tend to shift toward liberalism and that atheism is potentially an evolved worldview. Name one evolved atheistic culture in the history of humanity? Atheistic liberalism is equivalent to brainwashing. It was brainwashing when Stalin did it; it was brainwashing when Mao did it, it was brainwashing when Castro did; it was brainwashing in Lesbos, that Greek island inhabited by all those beautiful…wait, I kind of get that. But it’s brainwashing now.

Just to prove my point, let’s take a look at Little Johnny’s atheistic education.

“Little Johnny, we know that your foolish parents have taught you that there is an invisible Creator called God–just like they taught you about that silly Santa Claus and his cohort, the Easter Bunny–so we’re here to teach you that you’re parents are ignorant fools. You see, Johnny, the consensus of expert scientists agree on the fact that human beings are mere complex apes that arose from random chance mutations on this tiny speck of a dust called Earth. We’re just circling around a sun as one of billions in this vapor fart-cloud of a galaxy that is but one amongst billions of others galaxies in this black empty universe. Essentially we popped into existence, like one of those breakfast cereal elves.”

Yes, we know how to snap, crackle and pop Little Johnny into shape, so that he will be best equipped to compete in the modern day economy. Oh, he feels a little pressure as his brain is pinched tight until the juice drips to fit the bubble. “So Little Johnny, you’re feeling depressed and stressed from the standardized test. Well, the doctor can prescribe you the THC ‘chill pill,’ and we’ve got the federally funded ‘munchie break’ between breakfast and lunch. Oh, and it’s a bummer that we’ve eliminated recess, but you can burn off some steam in Sex Ed. with our state of the art ‘hump dummies,’ or head over to the cross dressing, same-sex fondling room. You don’t know where that is? Right passed the transgender and metrosexual restrooms. You see, Johnny, it’s best that you explore the full gamut of your sexuality so you can come to an educated decision as to your sexual orientation.

Atheism’s time is over, but some ideas don’t die easy. Zano assures us that our society is becoming Atheistic, and I agree…that our society is being brainwashed by the dead ideas of Atheism, Darwinism, Communism and Overt Zanoistic Hedonism (OZH). Although, I did have fun at that one party, but then I had to spend all Sunday in confession.

Look, atheism has never made an affirmative claim, it merely denies the existence of a theistic God and an intrinsic purpose to life. Modern atheists speak with such arrogance when confronting those silly superstitious people who read their Bibles and talk to their invisible God because of their fears and inadequacies. What modern atheists don’t tell you is that the scientific evidence over the past century points clearly in the direction of theism.

When an atheist use to ask, “Where did the Universe come from?” They would reply that the universe is “infinite, and has always existed.” This was called the ‘Steady State Theory,’ and this theory was held by many within the scientific community. I say ‘was held’ and ‘was called’ because no reputable cosmologist holds that position today, because the observable evidence has proven this theory to be false.

The Hubble Telescope has shown humanity that the galaxies are moving away from each other with increasing speed. Cosmologists mathematically plot the movement backwards to a “singularity point” where all matter was on top of each other –13.74 billion years ago. Thus we now have scientific proof that the first three words of the Bible, “In the beginning…” are in fact true, and truth-seekers are compelled to ask if the fourth and fifth words of the Bible are also true. And let’s not forget the dedication page, To my Loving Wife, Barbara. I admit that part of the Bible code has not been cracked.

Recent scientific investigation has uncovered the structure of DNA and it’s far more complicated than Darwin ever imagined. Unlike mere molecules, DNA actually stores information. Nowhere in nature has matter been found to ever give rise to information. Information comes from intelligence. This discovery of the complexity of DNA has led many scientists to question the theory that proposes “origin of species” and “natural selection” and “random chance mutations.” Dr. Fred Holye says “bio-materials with their amazing measure of order must be the outcome of intelligent design.” Anthony Flew said, “The findings of more than 50 years of DNA research have provided materials for a new and enormously powerful argument for design.” That’s starting to sound a lot like hate speech. Thought police alert. Hey, what happened to that grant money? But I have tenure. Hey, I even voted for the metrosexual restrooms?

Even Richard Dawkins started changing his tune: “I suppose it’s possible that you might find evidence for that (Intelligent Design) if you look at the details of biochemistry, molecular biology, you might find a signature of some sort of designer.” Oh, but Tricky Dicky Dawkins can’t leave any hope that this ‘sort of designer’ is the first cause intelligent Creator of the cosmos that many of us refer to as God. No, no, Dawkins clarifies, “Well, it could come about in the following way. It could be that at some earlier time, somewhere in the universe, a civilization evolved, probably by some kind of Darwinian means, probably to a very high level of technology, and a form of life that they seeded onto perhaps this planet.” Oh, that clarifies things Dr. D. It was space aliens who intelligently designed life on this planet.

You see, now, that the genetic evidence cannot be suffocated inside the stifling straightjacket of Darwinism. These atheists theorize about space aliens–that’s their God, anything but the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Okay, Ricky, I’ll humor you. Let’s say that life on Earth was intelligently designed by Evolved Space Aliens–then who or what designed the life that became the Evolved Space Aliens?

Crickets….crickets…and more crickets…followed by doubletalk, distraction, chit chat about the weather (global warming, no doubt), and change of subject. On this question, I have yet to get any coherent response by the proponents of the ‘Space Alien God’ (SAG) Theory.

This brings me to my last point–the discovery that the conditions for supporting intelligent life is so very, very rare. The earth is indeed a very lucky (or very blessed) planet. When cosmologists first realized the vastness, diversity, and scope of the universe, most assumed that life would be common. After all, our galaxy alone contains billions of other stars. Our galaxy is one of billions of galaxies in the known universe. Scientists assumed that out of so many known planets, there must be numerous cases of life at least as intelligent as ours. As Carl Sagan once stated, “The available evidence strongly suggests that the origins of life should occur given the initial conditions and a billion years of evolutionary time.”

Well, recent discoveries have found that the universe is actually very hostile to life. Life is fragile and requires numerous narrow and specific conditions to be met to make life possible. Our planet Earth has just the right location in just the right kind of galaxy. Our planet is just the right size with a large enough moon, and it orbits at just the right distance from just the right type of star. Our plate tectonics are thin enough to shift, but thick enough to be maintained. Our atmosphere contains just the right combinations of life-nurturing gasses. Yes, the more we discover about the conditions in our own galaxy and in other galaxies in the universe, the more it seems as though the origin of complex life is indeed miraculous.

So what of the numerous reports of UFOs that we hear of in the popular culture? When Carl Sagan extensively studied the details about the large numbers of modern reports of UFOs, he called it pseudo-science. “Think of how many other “explanations” there might be: time travelers, demons…tourists from another dimension…the souls of the dead…each of these explanations has been seriously proffered…” “The least likely explanation of UFOs is the hypothesis of extraterrestrial visitors by intelligent beings…”

Atheism led to Darwinistic ‘origin of species,’ ‘natural selection,’ and ‘random chance mutations.’ Darwinism led to genetic engineering and social engineering, which lead to Nazism’s ‘Superman’ and Communism’s ‘totalitarian state’. Now Darwinism’s foundation is undermined by the evidence, which suggests an intelligent designer; so Atheists seek another kind of designer ‘god.’ This god will play the part to give everybody what they want. A soul-travelling pure spiritual being of higher consciousness, a remotely-viewed psychic channel to the Akashic field, or an anal-probing alien from another spoof news blog. I hate those. Choose whatever god best fits your orientation…uh, and the right bathroom.

by Pokey McDooris • March 30, 2014

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to “dismantle my arguments.” Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

From my last post, I expressed four main claims: 1) I have a God-given constitutional right to take responsibility for my own personal healthcare without being forced by law to purchase private or government insurance. 2) It is unconstitutional to force a person or business to directly violate their conscience. (ie. provide birth control to employers and to bake wedding cakes for gay marriages) 3) The executive branch of our federal government continues to exceed its constitutional limits, as the federal government grows in power and scope our individual liberties shrink. 4) The Pope does not support the ordination of gay, polygamous, transvestite, shit goblin priests.

Let’s take a finer look at point number 1: my right to refuse health care. For the last 18 years of my life I have chosen not to purchase health care, not because my employer didn’t offer it (he/she/it did), not because I couldn’t afford it (I could). In my opinion, health insurance actually makes people sick. I know that this sounds strange–but if you really think about it, to purchase health insurance is to gamble money on the prediction that in the future you will get sick. If you don’t need a doctor, or medicine, or hospital treatment, you lose the bet and lose the money. So people subconsciously make themselves sick, so that they can win the bet–hurrah, I’ve got another appointment with the doctor who always pays special attention to me; hurrah, I’m prescribed another pill that makes me feel so good; yeah, I’ve got another brain tumor that makes me forget all of my responsibilities.

Conversely, I’ve bet my whole life on my health and vitality, and coincidently as an adult, I’ve never been to a doctor (except for a pre-employment physical), I’ve never taken prescription medicine (except that given to me be the Ghetto Shaman), and I’ve never used a sick d–Ah …UHHH…Oh… MunamamunamaMuata……..pardon me, just had a bit of a stroke; happens all the time. I’ll be okay, I can type one-handed. Now where was I; oh yeah, and I’ve never even been to the Emergency room (except when I’ve been taken against my will–after a Ghetto Shaman retreat).

And what’s Zano’s refutation? “I don’t care.” Oh, well that settles it. Mick doesn’t care that starting this month, my God-given rights will be violated by the federal government that he has endorsed. This doesn’t bother Zano, because it’s a “small cost.” Zano, this is not an issue of quantity; it’s an issue of principle. If you want healthcare, then get it; but when you coerce me, or force me, or penalize me, then you have stepped over the threshold of ‘liberty and into a wasteland of totalitarianism that forces everybody to be a part of it–”one of us, one of us, one of us.” If you want to charge me for optional ER visits, I’ve got no argument, but you have no right to force me to submit to the modern healthcare ‘paradigm.’

Let’s take a look at number 2–it is unconstitutional to force a person or business to directly violate their conscience. And Zano’s refutation–a quote from the President of Family Planning saying “Religious groups have been exempt from the birth control benefit all along, and they still are. This is a case about paperwork, not religious liberty.” Oh, well that settles it. But what about Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Company? Both companies assert their desire to operate in the business arena while maintaining their biblical principles. Under the Affordable Care Act (the Bill formally known as Obama Care) financial penalties of up to $100 per day, per employee can be levied on firms that refuse to provide comprehensive health coverage. Under the changes to ACA churches and houses of worship are exempt from the contraceptive mandate, but private run corporations are not. Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Company are currently spending big money to defend their right ‘not’ to provide the day-after-pill to its employees.

The question is, will the Supreme Court say that Americans have religious freedom to live and do business according to their faith? And how about the Colorado cake makers who refused to bake a wedding cake for a gay marriage? The judge ordered the cake makers to “cease and desist from discriminating” against gay couples. It’s unconstitutional to force someone to directly participate in an activity that violates their conscience. So if Mick Zano and Dave Atsals decide to get married, they have no right to coerce me into baking them a double-groomed wedding cake. They have no right to force me to provide them with condoms; I won’t do it. And don’t even think about having me knit those cat woman pajamas for the wedding night–I don’t care what it costs me, won’t do it, man! I will admit they’re cute, though.

That brings me to point 3–as the federal government grows in power and scope, our individual liberties shrink. The 1st step in ‘de-moralizing’ a people is to coerce, threaten, or force them to violate their conscience. That’s what totalitarianism does; it forces people to compromise their conscience. Oh sure, Mick Zano acknowledges that this administration needs to be ‘reeled in,’ but what has he done about it. Every person or organization that opposes the Obama administration’s mad grab for power, Zano has demonized, ridiculed, and flippantly dismissed. The seeds of totalitarianism always begin with small principled infringements upon individual liberties; but once a conscience has been compromised, it becomes increasingly malleable to totalitarian manipulation, until, like Zano, they “don’t care” that people are being forced to violate their conscience, they “don’t care” that their government job requires them to gather information on their fellow citizens, they “don’t care” that they’re now taking people off to a secret prison; they “don’t care” that they’re now sharpening guillotines; they “don’t care” that they’re required to file paperwork at concentration camps.

This brings me to point 4–If Zano and Atsals want a gay, polygamous, transexual, shit goblin priest at their wedding, then don’t think about forcing the Catholic Church to oversee it. For goodness sake, man, go the Episcopalians. But I’m almost done with those cat pajamas.

by Pokey McDooris • March 25, 2014

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack…and he bowled a 77?

Remember when Mick Zano hadn’t drank all the liberal Kool-Aid? Oh, and remember when President Obama was caught on tape whispering to Medvedev: “Tell Vladimir that after the election I’ll have some more flexibility”—presumably to make compromises on the U.S. security. Remember when Mitt Romney in the debates expressed great concern over the threat of Russia, and labeled Vladimir Putin as our “greatest foe” and Mr. Obama so condescendingly responded, “The cold war’s been over for 20 years. Now hand me my bowling shoes.”

The fact of the matter is that the cold war never ended. Soviet-style communism didn’t die, it went underground and seeped into the U.S. educational institutions, the entertainment industry, into our political system, into social services, and it’s penetrated the American psyche. As we can clearly see in Mick Zano’s recent attempt to annex The Onion.

Joseph Stalin knew that the Communist Soviet Union could never defeat a moral America head on, and so he devised a long term plan to de-moralize us. In the 1930s Stalin wrote extensively about his goal of actively infiltrating all facets of American Society. In particular, he sought to brainwash American children by encouraging them to rebel against social, familial, and religious authority. He encouraged promiscuity among our youth. The fiend even went so far as to invent the all night kegger and then slid the plans under Mick Zano and Dave Atsals’ dorm room door.

Stalin encouraged crude art, music, and pornography. From within our own nation, communist operatives worked to destroy our national pride, ridicule patriotism, weaken our national defense, and encourage disarmament and pacifism. Here are just a few of ‘Communism’s 45’ as recorded by Congressional Recall on January 10, 1963:

15. Capture one or both of the political parties in the U.S.

17. Get control of the schools.

20. Infiltrate the press.

21. Gain control of key positions in radio, TV, motion pictures.

22. Degrade all forms of American artistic expression. “Our plan is to promote ugliness, repulsive, meaningless art” (See The Daily Discord).

23. Eliminate all laws governing obscenity by calling them “censorship.”

25. Promote pornography and obscenity.

26. Present homosexuality, degeneracy, and promiscuity as “normal, natural, and healthy.”

27. Infiltrate the churches and replace revealed religion with “social” religion. Discredit the Bible and emphasize the need for intellectual maturity which does not need a religious crutch.

28. Eliminate prayer or any phase of religious expression in the schools on the ground that it violates the “separation of church and state.”

32. Support any movement that gives centralized control over any part of the culture.

40. Discredit the family as an institution. Encourage promiscuity and easy divorce.

That’s a masterful plan, huh? I’m sure glad that Stalin failed. Remember when President Obama boldly drew that red line in the sand with Syria over the use of chemical weapons only to have Daddy Vladdy step in and take over for Baby Bama? I would suggest to you that Vladimir Putin encouraged Syria to step passed that red line and to call Obama’s bluff. I would also suggest to you that Vladimir Putin has been encouraging Iran to develop a nuclear bomb. I would suggest to you that Iran hijacked that bowing 777 and as the American media is distracting us by scanning the seas, Iran is planning to use that plane to create a worldwide catastrophe. I would suggest to you that Russia is working with China, the Arab nations, North Korea, and others to reject the U.S. Currency, triggering an economic collapse. You see, over the last five years Vladimir Putin has been playing chess, while President Obama has been bowling–very badly.

by Pokey McDooris • March 8, 2014

As it turns out email is more than a passing fad. Anyway, so I step away from this project for a moment and everything turns to hell. Speaking of hell, I called up Pope Francis and he assured me that hell does indeed exist; it’s a real place, and it’s very painful—even more painful than reading The Daily Discord.

Pope Francis expressed concern over how often his position has been misrepresented and his words quoted out of context. He then bitched about Zano and Bone for the next twenty minutes.

“Who turns the Vatican into a barcrawl? What’s with these guys? I had a Cardinal dislocate a hip on a beer pong ball.”

—The Pope

In fact, I went over my cell phone minutes and Mr. Winslow should probably compensate me (I’m sending along a copy of the bill).

And, in anticipation of Tony Ballz’ next article, Pope Francis asked me to set the record straight. “The Roman Catholic Church does not now, nor has it ever supported the ordination of those gay polygamous transsexual shit goblins among us. You’re thinking of the Episcopalians.”

When I helped found the Daily Discord, back in 1861, I never would have dreamed it would morph into such an amusing site of totalitarian appeasement. I must wonder whether this site ever seriously criticizes the present ruling administration. Oh, I know, Mick doesn’t like ‘serious’ articles and I was told specifically for this feature, “Unless you work in a joke about shitgoblins, McDooris, I’m not posting this crap!” Here’s the problem, Zano, pointing out the reality of a totalitarian takeover in real time is not an easy comedy piece to pull off. Incidentally, it can also get you audited by the IRS.

I call on the Daily Discord to use its influence to defend the Bill of Rights, rights that are now under attack. I know that the Bill of Rights are rather passé for you progressives, but I think that they’re worth a second look. You see, the Bill of Rights were created to ensure that individuals like you and me are protected from the tyranny of the majority to impose its will against our individual life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It’s a wonderful concept (which was also my favorite Jimmy Stewart movie).

For example, universal healthcare involves the federal government forcing all individuals to participate in a health insurance plan. But what happens when an individual, like me, chooses not to enroll in health insurance as part of their liberty and pursuit of happiness? Well, then the IRS fines me, or taxes me, or otherwise gets in my business as a penalty against my individual pursuit of happiness. Does anybody else see the problem here? You see, the Bill of Rights grants me God-given rights to pursue my life, liberty, and happiness free from all coercion from the government or the social status quo. It also protects me from the oppression of spoof news sites and editors who insist I pile goblins of shit into my important spoof news rhetoric.

You don’t have to agree with me; I have a right to be wrong. But totalitarian states don’t recognize God-given rights. So let’s say I, as the CEO of the Daily Discord, believe it to be immoral to pay for Alex Bone’s birth control? But universal healthcare forces people and churches and businesses to violate their moral dictates or face fines by the federal government? Do you all see how this is a clear violation of the Bill of Rights? Even though the vast majority of citizens feel it’s imperative that Mr. Bone be given bucket-sized piles of birth control, I have the God-given right to refuse to participate in the controlling of Bone’s reproductive capabilities.

Okay, bad example. In his case I think I’d probably make an exception. Can I call a mulligan? I’m forgetting the rules here.

Fine, Zano! Fine! So this gay guy, this transsexual, and this shitgoblin walk into a bar.

NO! I won’t do it…

Um…not on principle, I just can’t think of a good punch line. How about this, I’ll shake off the rust and you people start addressing the real issues.

by Pokey McDooris • December 16, 2010

Some things have been bothering me lately, like alternate street parking. I have been trying to wrap my head around all the things impacting our country. It’s better than what I used to do to with my free time. Oh, and Potter County Police, you’ll never find her by the river, you bastards! Mwahahahhaha!

We, as a nation, really need to change our focus and our priorities. Fact: many countries do things more cost-effectively and more efficiently in a great number of areas. The U.S. has slipped in our ratings almost across the board. So here are a few things you might not have thought of to help restore our country to greatness (or not):

Bottle Feeding—a tit is always better than plastic unless the plastic supports the betterment of the tit. And, by the way, at 40 I know my preferences in this matter. Although, the binky is a close second.
Homework—I just spent all day listening to your boring text book crapola, Mr. Aimsflunk. I filled out your “worksheets”, and helped you justify your state mandates. Now you’re gonna impose upon my free time? Show me the study Professor Fallsfarbelow, otherwise leave them kids alone.
Anti-evolutional academic sequencing (AEAS)—Don’t force kids to judge their social identity on academics, especially if the child is not developmentally prepared for success. I am proud to be in all emotional support classes and welcome the occasional time-out or detention stint. And, I am not my ADD diagnosis—hey, it’s snowing!
Quantified Social Praise (QSP)—I don’t care about your grades, just keep learning from everybody and everything (except Discord staff). The world is filled with stupid straight-A bureaucrats and Magna Cum Lessas.
Cell Phones—although cell phones have been directly linked to brain cancer, there has yet to be a link determined between brain cancer and Discord articles….but it’s coming.
Electronic entertainment—these are simply distractions from a meaningful life, dulled into neurological and imaginative mush. Yeah, I’m talking about the Daily Discord again. Remember when we used to read to our children? If my dad had read Penthouse Forum to me more often, it would have helped me avoid a number of embarrassing adolescent situations. Speaking of which, you’ll never find her, coppers!
Failed Abortions—on the bright side, advances in abortion technologies promise to bolster success rates.
The Daily Discord—I am all about 1^st Amendment Rights, but, everything has an exception, and I believe this e-zine is it.

by Pokey McDooris • November 16, 2009

Walking out the front door without a plan is my usual M.O. With no destination, I step into Limbo, walking on a whim. This method has lead to spontaneous creativity, synchronistic encounters, adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, jail time, and a liver the size of a Buick.

This is often a lonely road, upon which we sometimes catch a flash glimpse of the perfect sanctuary. The oasis…the archetypal hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. Wit spews from the lips like rabid rivers of lava burning and drowning us dead and awakened into our dawning enlightened life (which is a nice way of saying, I get tanked and puke in the alley with the Ghetto Shaman).

It’s not the place, it’s the state of mind, and yet an establishment can institute an atmosphere, character, and quality that encourage this state of mind.

The true greatness of a coffee shop, brewpub, bar, or diner should be assessed primarily by its potential to facilitate cultural experiences that are spontaneous, dynamic, and profound. This intangible quality is the most important element of any hangout.

As a cultural facilitator, my job is to turn parties into art exhibits and art exhibits into parties. There are certain criteria to consider. The social etiquette should encourage a free flow through any and all social circles. Within the established hangout a person will feel comfortable to move about freely amongst different social circles. We are encouraged to follow our intuition. We can read or reflect alone, spontaneously jump into a conversation with strangers, or lead a naked conga line with the Wal-Mart midgets.

In order to stimulate the spirit of enthusiasm, an establishment should play good music that compliments the atmosphere, characters, and mood. They should also provide quality goods and services, and they should expel anything that inhibits our goals of dynamic cultural experiences (such as the, aforementioned, alley vomiting).

Electronic gadgets distract people from the possibility of authentic interactions. They have no place in social settings. I don’t even like to see cell phones in public. I once sat at a bar where two people on either side of me were both talking on their cell phones. I think they might have even been talking to each other!

Look people; if you want to isolate yourself inside the grid, please do it at home. I’m here to party. Take the television for example. There is no possibility to mingle amongst different social circles or spark unplanned adventures if everyone is hypnotized by the boob tube. Regarding televisions, I have two pieces of advice for all bars: 1.) unless you’re trying to be a sports bar, don’t allow any televisions onto your premises, and 2.) don’t try to be a sports bar.

Fifteen years ago, I vowed to never pay for cable again. This was the greatest decision of my life. Along with this choice, I have simultaneously taken steps to better tune my awareness to the spirit of authentic culture. Throughout these years I have continued eliminating electronic gadgets and machinery from my life. Even my pacemaker is on borrowed time. The Ghetto Shaman has offered to rip it out of my chest and offer it to the Owl People (very tempting).

Some have argued that my position is reactionary and irrational—like Zano’s—and will lead to a decay in my living standard. Certainly these technologies bring their conveniences, but at what cost? Commitment to true art must take priority over comfort, social status, family, friends, and even my own biological survival (hoot, hoot). So now, with no TV, no cell phone, no internet (not even e-mail), no car, no phone, no video games, and no electronic pocket massage toys (well, I haven’t given those up yet…).

What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, social inhibitors to dynamic cultural experiences.

Spatial limitation can also strangle the life out of festivities. Be careful to consider the feng shui of the place and encourage a flow that keeps the energy circulating. Time limitations also inhibit enthusiasm. This ‘last call’ experiment has proved to be a real bummer. Some of my best festivities don’t get full-flailing until dawn.

by Pokey McDooris • June 25, 2009

For Lent I gave up fast food, and ejaculating, of course.

I haven’t slept in days, but I meditate. The energy builds and circulates throughout my entire body. I then walk to the park to practice T’ai Chi Ch’uan while the energy spirals up my spine.

I wander to Washington Boulevard and cut through the alley without purpose or destination. I have no money; my psyche hangs on one theme: women.

Identity dissolves as hidden shadow-self resolves; the nervous system evolves to tune into the frequencies beyond the social games.

Maslow suggested that a self-actualized individual had no concern for the good opinions of others. The real test of this self-actualization would be to spend a long period of time inside a classy establishment without any money.

“I’ll have another water, please.”

The feeling of shame often presses upon the terminally broke (TB), that is, those without deodorant, mouthwash, social skills, and those who have no desire to hold in their gut wrenching farts (GWFs). But we still crave cultural happenings, or at least the well ventilated ones.

I count my quarters, dimes, nickels, and even pennies ($4.34). Money is time. This will buy me one pint at the brewpub. That should last me 45 minutes, depending on how warm I’m willing to tolerate my beer. I could buy a coffee with refills at the coffee shop. That would last until it closes at ten o’clock. I wander to the library. Maybe I can create a community hot spot that’s both cool and free, maybe even this time without police involvement.

Enlightened individuals will never concern themselves with the good opinions of others (god, I hope people like this article). This is a crucial realization and necessary for the dynamic cultural experiences that we wish to stimulate (mmmm, stimulate). Neither do the degenerates concern themselves with the good opinions of others. After all, social establishments have certain etiquette and rules. What’s the difference between an enlightened individual and a degenerate? The enlightened have transcended social etiquette, while the degenerates have brazenly dismantled it.

At Starbucks, five sophisticated sounding women discuss ‘sexual politics’ and Hillary Clinton. Another group enters, a young red-head accompanied by her elderly parents. I sink into the soft sofa and stare at the young woman’s breasts. I feel her family’s discomfort but my wild hunger consumes concerns of polite restraints.

“You’re so rude,” the women says.

Rude? Mwaah? I’m a poet of the highest order. I’m a prophet preacher from another planet. I’m Rick James, bitch!

Too much realization is more than most people can socially endure.

The subconscious psychic masses gang-up against the outsider deemed weird, wrong, or inappropriate. Free-range farting at church (FRFAC) brings with it social shame that the group presses upon us. In order for the shame to be effective, the individual must accept the social contract. Shame is NOT merely an internally generated phenomenon. Others must convince a person to accept shame. It’s a heavily conditioned socialized agreement. Some people refuse to play this game. These people are called ‘rude.’

Some anti-social activity is so controversial that laws are passed and physical force is used to restrain and punish people who break these laws. Sex with minors, illegal drug use, and public drunkenness, or the Friday night special, as I call it, are all examples of social behaviors for which an individual will be prosecuted.

Not all outcasts drift beyond the law. During its formation, Christianity cast out Gnostics for their heretical interpretations, those tit staring freaks. It could be argued that the very roots of Christianity are repressed and trapped inside the prison of literalistic dogma.

There is social tension inflicted upon those who have no reference point of identity in social situations. For example, standing alone in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring discomfort, believe me. Standing alone naked in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring even more discomfort, believe me.

That man was staring at my tits, officer! They never take my side, ever.

I’m destined to unite individual enlightenment with cultural dynamics. In our age of scientism and materialism, we outcastes rebel beyond the mainstream, scientific, fact-finding, fatalistic deconstruction of the cosmos. Shadow assumptions of purposeless poison the veins of genetics, psychiatry, and medicine.

The direct experience of the blinding ‘One Mind’ blows the top off any coffee shop, bar, or strip club. Me? I like blowing the tops off at strip clubs. I’m looking for that coffee shop that serves psilocybin smoothies and acid-cool-aid spritzers with an atmosphere like the first scene from Clockwork Orange.

I know that women sometimes feel uncomfortable when I stare, but it sure beats my more violent rendition of “Singing in the Rain”.

Colin Wilson tells us the promise of sex is never fulfilled by the act of sex itself.

Ken Wilber said that, “Nobody can ever get enough of what they really don’t want.”

And Jim Blob said, “I’m celibate by choice.”

Sex is but a tool for charging, expanding, and exploding into higher frequencies of love, joy, and ecstasy.

For six weeks I’ve retained my semen, boiling her basal juices into pure energy blowing my mind and soul into the higher spheres.

I’ve now been psychically barred from every social establishment in town, every establishment, that is, except Dunkin’ Donuts.

I guess it’s that time, time to start eating my last few mushrooms.

“I’ll have two chocolate donuts and a flying unicorn, please.”

by Pokey McDooris • April 27, 2009

We long for a mathematical certainty of political allegiance leading to higher levels of human life and culture. Right now in the political world, there is only one thing certain: our system is overrun with corruption, deception, insanity, stupidity, and, of course, shit goblins. What is Enlightenment? Issue 38 states that we can indeed unite and evolve to a new stage of culture. Thank goodness, because Issue 37 said we were all fucked. There is still hope for a real authentic social movement that includes and transcends all of the problems of the postmodern pluralistic worldview and its shadow side, aka, countercultural relativistic fatalism (CRF).

All stages of human consciousness correlate with one, or many historical worldviews. A worldview is an inner structure of consciousness that is shared by many individuals. Each person’s cultural worldview has been generated by a particular politics of a thriving, or in our case, once thriving, social and economic structure. An integral politics realizes and integrates all foundational stages of consciousness while transcending into a higher stage altogether.

Tribal communities bind together with blood relatives and neighboring families. Although useful for cooperation and survival, the tribal consciousness tends to fear, demonize, threaten, imprison, convert, or kill anyone refusing to conform to the code and rituals of the community. This level of consciousness generates a magical thinking that expresses itself as very young children, indigenous people, and many fundamentalist religions. The strongest competing tribal communities develop military might that leads to warlord states that have the power to exert their will against the hodgepodge of tribal whims. Warrior consciousness learns to bully and threaten their interests into political relevance. The warrior societies assert the individualism found in the terrible two-year olds, most notable examples: Incas, Vikings, pirates, and the Cleveland Indians.

Traditional Kingdoms grow to establish nationalist values, chivalrous codes, etiquette, and religious values. These Kingdoms establish laws and borders that are enforced by state sponsored police and military. King Arthur, The English Empire, and the Catholic Church have expressed this level of consciousness. In recent years, Pat Buchanan and Michael Savage have championed the reestablishment of traditional consciousness in America.

The Enlightenment of the Modern Nation State inspired democratic capitalism based on rational thinking displayed by myself and a few of my fellow Discordians. These Modern Societies brought us constitutional law, individual liberties, and expanded public education. Post-Modern Societies broaden pluralistic awareness of the inherent, often overlooked, rights of others. The Post-Modern Consciousness of the Baby Boomer Generation brings an increased sensitivity to the disenfranchised of our society: civil rights for minorities, women’s rights, gay rights, empathy for our enemies, animal rights, environmental rights, and even power to the sociopathic shit goblins. Ralph Nadar and Dennis Kucinich eloquently express the policies of post-modernism. They champion social justice, challenge corporate corruption, protect the environment, as well as encourage alternative energies, health, and lifestyles. But, please, don’t feed the shit goblins after midnight.

The problem with each stage of political consciousness is its tendency to demonize and attack the other stages. This destroys the necessary integration required to sustain continued evolution. The success of the Modern Consciousness depended upon the hard rock might of Traditional Consciousness that protected the vanguard from the warlord bullies and tribal mobs. If we progressive ‘intellectuals’ continue using our minds to devise shrewd plans for the deconstruction of American values, then tribal consciousness will flourish and overtake our freedom of thought, speech and actions (enters things like Sharia Law; good luck with that). Mick Zano refers to this group as ‘the bake brownies for Al-Qaeda’ folks. The Crank refers to them as ASSHOLE LIBERTARDS! The Crank should consider switching to decaf.

We must integrate the truths for each of these valid stages of development before we can fully evolve into a higher stage. We must respect the conclusions of sincere rational inquiry and follow its conclusions wherever they lead. We must honor the plurality and degree of validity of others’ perspectives even if those others wish to chop our heads off or arrest us for naked bungee jumping with a minor. That’s still legal, right?

Will you come back to my cliff, bouncy, bouncy?

The most challenging aspect of the integral politician is to fully embrace the communal and traditional values of the culture and society before expanding into a unified internationalism, aka, evolve before you leap.

Many Post-Modern Progressives overlook the insights of history, the heritage of constitutional law, and the tools of logic. If we Progressives really wish to continue evolving then we can’t keep attacking and deconstructing the necessary foundational stages of consciousness. The residue of unresolved traditional values slithers through our nation’s psyche and threatens to corrode the very fabric of our union.

That’s my job!

Those politically on the right tend to ignore the core truths of transcendence. The mind is not limited to the brain. Human nature is not limited by its history. The possibilities of the future are infinite and as our consciousness transforms. So, too, does the surrounding world transform. They also tend to borrow from lower perspectives and demonize anything unfamiliar. Don’t knock naked bungee jumping until you’ve tried it.

Those on the left tend to ignore the core truths of nationalism. If the country is not rooted in its history and heritage it will collapse, just as the molecule which fails to embrace the atom will collapse.

Now we must join all of these valid truths while modifying the inconsistencies, transcending into a higher ‘integral’ perspective. Pat Buchanan and Michael Savage are correct: 1.) our country cannot survive without clear definable borders and the will and ability to enforce them, and 2.) there is a real problem with certain Islamic sects who assert their will to kill or assimilate anybody beyond the terrible twos. But the traditionalists must be careful not to act out of anger and humiliate the radical Islamists or we will make the problem worse not better. Humiliation is the emotion that sparked this radical machismo, woman-squelching, bomb-dropping, suicide-wishing mentality in the first place. Let’s not intentionally stir up the hornets nest without a clear exit strategy.

Kucinich is right; the Bush administration has compromised our country’s integrity, and alienated and misdirected our resources from our most pressing problems, but let’s not throw out the Buchanian baby with the Bushian bathwater. Yes, Buchanan sounds like your crazy old uncle, but we must recognize and root with our country’s foundation before we can evolve to a world where there is no war, hunger, or Sean Hannity. And let’s not forget, Hillary Clinton is right about, well, I’ll get back to you.

We must transcend the left and the right by recognizing the validity at each stage and all perspectives, well, except, of course, for the shit goblins, who MUST DIE!

by Pokey McDooris • April 2, 2009

EDUCATION:

Faber College, PA. BA in Philosophy with a minor in Claymation Pornography.

Two time NCBA National Boxing Champion.

Studied T’ai Chi Ch’aun with Mantak Chia (not pet, just Chia).

Studied the ancient texts of Chang Li Ching, Yang Lu Chan, Lao Tze Lay, and I read Wilber’s A Brief History of Everything, twice (mostly sober).

EMPLOYMENT:

(1998-2008) worked with the most ruthless, aggressive, and volatile people in the world (other than Discord staff). I am best described as a social servant to the diagnose’m and medicate’m field of mental health. Enforced behavior plans in our public schools (mostly sober).

POET/GENIUS:

I’ve published a novel, and a controversial collection of limericks written on bar napkins. I’m a regular contributor to the Daily Discord where together we are sarcastically salving society.

CULTURAL FACILITATOR (ie. Town jackass):

I’ve developed a Barroom Constitution and written the compendium: Articles of Degeneration. I’ve been ejected from 21 bars, coffee shops, or diners (7 constitutionally viable and 14 unconstitutional). I’ve defended myself in 3 court hearings (won 2, lost 1). I’ve observed my brother defend himself in 10 court hearings (won 7, lost 3). I watched Judge Judy this week (in its entirety). I’ve studied the principles of logic and the logic of principles, and I challenge you to a game of chess (preferably naked).

by Pokey McDooris • March 19, 2009

Quantified Social Praise – I don’t care about your grades, just keep learning from everybody and everything. The world is filled with stupid straight-A bureaucrats and Magna Cum Lessas. You may know them better as our CEOs and our government officials.
Bottle Feeding – a tit is always better than plastic unless the plastic supports the betterment of the tit.
Anti-Evolutional Academic Sequencing (AEAS) – Have sex with them if you must, but don’t force our kids to judge their social identity on academics. Especially if the child is not developmentally prepared for success. And, for god’s sake, use a condom.
Homework – I just spent all day listening to your boring textbook crap, I filled out your worksheets, and helped you justify your state mandates. Now you’re gonna impose upon my free time? Show me the study, otherwise…teacher, leave them kids alone. And, for god’s sake, use a condom.
Cell Phones – cell phones are directly linked to brain cancer but, on the bright side, at least there’s no proven a link between brain cancer and developmental disruptions…right? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!
Failed Abortions – well, abortion technologies promise to bolster success rates. Shall I pop the champagne, dear?
Electronic Entertainment – distractions from a meaningful life dulled into neurological and unimaginative mush (besides the Discord). Let’s go down to the corner pub and talk on our cell phones, play on our laptops, while watching The Simpsons. I’m talking to YOU, Zano!