Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den.

Amazon Buys Out All Major Grocery Store Chains

by Alex Bone • March 18, 2013

New York, NY—In an unprecedented move, Amazon.com has purchased all the major grocery store chains throughout the United States and Canada. Soon after they will all be closing all of these other companies so that online sales will reign supreme! Many citizens were shocked by this development and became concerned that their family would go hungry, but Amazon quickly reassured them their fear was both unwarranted and unauthorized.

I caught up to Amazon spokesman, William Lynn, and he enlightened me on his corporation’s move. We then discussed, at length, his “why Jesus was a cannibal” theory.

Mr. Lynn said, “Once people adapt to this change, they will fall into a new routine or die, I guess. Zombies, I mean consumers, will just need to figure out all of their foodular needs and order it from Amazon in advance. It will be shipped to their homes in about three weeks. Just think, no lines, no hassle, and less of a carbon footprint. Anyone who doesn’t like this is a nature hater who should be stoned to death for wanting to destroy our planet!”

When I asked him how much weed that would take, he stared and said, “You’ll have to wait until we buy out the drug cartels next month. And back to that Jesus being a cannibal thing, that’s why we are asked to partake of his flesh. Get it? A lot of biblical scholars understand. I think a Gnostic gospel once said, ‘Let there be brains!’ or maybe it was ‘let them eat brains!’—it was something like that. Noah took only two of every creature, so what did they eat on his ark for all that time? What was in surplus? Noah’s kids. Duh. Oh, let’s eat the only two giraffes on the planet. I don’t think so.”

For a different perspective, I discussed this change with a social worker from the Bronx named Belinda Heart. “What Amazon fails to realize is that many consumers aren’t members of PayPal or even have a computer for that matter. Some folks don’t even own smart phones or know how to open email. This could have a devastating effect on those already IBMpoverished.”

Lynn responded by saying, “You’ve heard of Darwin, right? You’ve heard of Gates, right? It’s survival of the techists. They had better step up to the 21st century if they don’t want to eat giraffe burgers.”

Amazon later retracted that statement and replaced it with, “Obama has already expanded his food stamp program to accommodate the technologically impaired.”

Others have voiced concerns as well, such as Abby Arms from the Fitness Impaired Institute of Litigation, Lawyers, Educators, and Defendants (F.I.I.L.L.E. D.). She also works with the Organization of Underachieving Televisionists (O.U.T.). Working together for the first time in history, F.I.I.L.L.E.D.-O.U.T. is taking on Amazon and their e-food challenge.

One consumer said, “I tried this last month but then, on an impulse buy, I spent several weeks eating 31 boxes of Oreo Cookies and 16 cartons of vanilla ice cream. I wasn’t complaining…initially.”

Other individuals and organizations have expressed concern over the foods freshness and have wondered how Amazon will handle postal refrigeration (PF). Amazon told these potential critics to “stop trying to comprehend things they weren’t meant to understand and just watch Fox News.”

Amazon also pointed out how people with lower incomes can buy the Food Kindle, where they will be able to download pictures of any type of food for only 99 cents a pop.

“We should also be releasing a Soylent Green App, hopefully soon. We’re already testing out the prototype in parts of Africa.”

Lynn closed by saying, “Now that we’ve already hastened the demise of such great American icons such as the book, the video, and the record store, the grocery store seemed like the next logical target. Yeah, we already bought Target. After we take over the illegal drug trade, all future restaurant chains and taverns will be online. We have an ale app pending. We also have some lawyers working on making online dating mandatory. Yes, eventually it will be e-Harmony or e-Celibacy. Take your pick. This is an exciting time we live in. Soon the only reason you will have to leave the house will be to work at your jobs, which will allow you just enough money to line our e-pockets.”

by Alex Bone • March 11, 2013

Washington, DC—The Senate outlined the unilateral concession of men today, which will allow women to proclaim victory in the Battle of the Sexes. The news came as quite a shock to those wealthy established Romney supporter-types, but the true effects of this legislative proclamation may have even deeper ramifications for men and their relative sperm counts.

“This has been the longest war,” said Peter Whipped, the spokesman for the National Organization of Buddies (NOB). “That Hundred Year War shit is a skirmish compared to this bitch, which probably started when the first cave woman demanded to stop being dragged by the hair into the cave. It’s been all downhill ever since. Today, more women are finishing college than men and they’re getting better degrees. Yet men are still expected to do all the things our fathers and grandfathers did, plus half the housework and child care. My wife makes more money than me and has me washing her clothes while she and her friends sit around watching football and drinking beer. I fear burps and farts will start occurring within a year. Let’s face it, I’m screwed and you’re next! They’re here; they’re already the head of the household!”

Vice President of NOB, Dick Limper, said, “Women are just smarter than men and they actually care about shit. It sucks. They have been plotting and planning for centuries and I just want to eat chicken wings and catch up on Walking Dead episodes. We’re not thinkers and we’re not planners and now we wear aprons. One day I was watching the tube and my wife speeds off in her new Mercedes after telling me to watch the kids, cuz I’ll be back whenever I feel like it, bitch. Back in the day that used to be me! Well, if you substitute Pinto for Mercedes. Oh shit, I had better get back home or she’ll make me wear the French maid’s outfit again.”

Not everyone is convinced that now is the time to concede. Political activist, Stiffy McTosterone, is forming the Lilly Better off Deadbetter Act in retaliation. Well, it’s not so much an act as a Meetup Group. Their official mission statement is a little demeaning and crude, not unlike The Daily Discord’s. You can see it on their website…(um, my wife only allows an hour of internet a day, so I’ll try to hyperlink to it tomorrow).

Professor Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Barber Shop, said, “We should have seen this coming. All these eons of trying to keep women in their place through religious totalitarianism crumbled into ashes when Nietzsche killed God and then what was left of the Church started raping children. Without that societal control, the dam opened wide and men were no match for these multitasking maniacs. Soon we’ll be little more than second income earners. We will be reduced to sex objects, staying at home with the kids and cleaning the house while our women hang out with their friends, drinking tea, and discussing their emotions like they were important or something. I predict that within a generation all of our sperm counts will reach Congressional levels. Oh excuse me, that’s my wife on the phone. Oh, you need me to…”

I stopped recording here when the professor began to weep. I can’t help but wonder how this decision will change our lives on a day-to-day basis. It remains to be seen, but I’ll let you know as soon as my wife gives me permission to tell you what she thinks I should say. Hey, it’s almost internet hour! Hooray! Oh shit, she’s blocking that site. My spousal control settings and filters are getting kind of strict. Remember porn? I don’t.

by Alex Bone • February 11, 2013

Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2^nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, “All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!” This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.

I caught up with their spokesman, William Lynn, and he had this to say, “All around the globe cannibalism is increasing and corpse sightings are on the rise. Pardon the pun. Obama can have my gun when he becomes a zombie and grabs it with his cold dead hands. With Z-Day just around the coroner, we need to be stocking up on weapons, not taking them away just because a few people are wasting kids. Hell, those will be a few less Zeds for us to kill later. Do the math!”

When I asked, “But aren’t zombies fictional?” Lynn punched me in the mouth and tried to break his beer bottle over my head. After being restrained, he yelled, “You’re walker bait! They’re already in Atlanta…try to make it to that farm!”

Another member of the cult, Freddie “Walker Waster” Wheeler, had this to say, “We just saw a zombie last night. He was leaving this bar and weaving all over the place. When we grabbed him, he puked all over me. It was just like that 28-Days thing…”

“The movie?” I asked, but he said, “No, the rehab I was in.”

Later, I contacted Michael D. Griffiths, author of Eternal Aftermath. He’s considered by many to be a resident expert on the pending Zombie Apocalypse.

“First off, guns are for wimps,” said Griffiths. “Any loser can pull a trigger. If you rely on guns alone, you’ll get cocky and soon the undead will be scooping out your brains and playing drunken soccer with your skulls!”

Apparently, they do that. It’s a little known zombie fun fact (ZFF).

Griffiths then said, “Real men wade into battle with a broad sword, because they don’t run out of bullets and chicks dig men with big swords. They don’t call them broad swords for nothing. While the gun lovers are racing around thinking they can shoot their way through a hundred walkers just to get another case of warm beer, I’ll be off in the woods with your girlfriends, eating crawdads, playing horseshoes, and smoking weed…building a Dionysian paradise.”

I asked, “You’re talking about a Discord contributor party, aren’t you?”

“Well,” he said, “We don’t call them that anymore. Those attract the local fuzz faster than the Ghetto Shaman in a school zone.”

I decided to bring the two men together to work out their differences and get to the brain of the matter. But before I could even outline the discussion, the men started arguing:

Lynn: I will be safe in my bunker, walker-bait!

Griffiths: What a blast, hope you brought a lot of post-apocalyptic porn (PAP).

Lynn: I have an anti-zombie vehicle that kicks ass and it has an ice chest for my Coors!

Griffiths: Sounds great, well, until you run into the first road jammed with abandoned vehicles and that will take about two minutes. But then you can just start shooting and attract every zombie in a five mile radius. Still, I’m sure a man like you will be fine…as zombie food.

Lynn: I’m going to shove that sword up your…

Griffiths: Have fun in your rolling metal coffin, zombie bait!

Things digressed from there, so I decided to interview a friend of the Discord’s, General Mitchum:

“Whether it is a fascist takeover, a Zombie Apocalypse, or a Justin Bieber concert reanimating an army of Twilight-loving pre-teens of doom (ATLPTD), there will always be a threat that gun-nuts think justifies their right to bear enough arms to equip a third world army. All we would need to do is leave a six-pack of Silver Bullet and a bag of pork rinds on their porch. This will also eliminate both werewolves and Jews. Then, while they’re passed out, we rob’em blind. Yes, we will miss the beer, but it’s a worthy sacrifice!”

So is the threat of the dead starting to walk around with a taste for human flesh a justifiable reason to have firearms and keep blondes locked in your bunker? Only time will tell.

“Stop screaming, bitch! It puts the lotion on its skin or gets the hose!”

We are preparing for the upcoming outbreak in our own way and my personal choice is watching reruns of Scooby Doo, eating chicken wings, and doing huge bong hits, or as I call that, weekends. Just don’t call them Discord contributor parties, I think they started monitoring our social sites.

by Alex Bone • January 14, 2013

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Life forms from the distant planet Blog arrived on Earth last week only to discover the Mayan Apocalypse was a complete bust. The Blogganinians, a race of evolved gecko-like creatures, were quite shocked to find the Earth still functioning as usual and they were even more annoyed to find the human/feline alliance still as strong as ever.

I caught up to their leader, RrrrackaksarrinotickpthHhHhtththt-Jo, and his fellow space rangers drowning their sorrows and scooping human brains out of severed skulls at a local watering hole. It’s okay, that was the special that night.

Bone:So why are you so upset to find the Earth in one piece? Some of us are rather pleased to be alive.

R-Jo:No offense, Earthling, but we were hoping all of humanity and certainly all of those damn cats would be destroyed, then we could have dined on your corpses. Now, with all of you still alive, we’ll be lucky to eat a few dozen of you before we have to head back. And do you know how much it cost us to get here? Hell, my wives and I were going to claim this whole continent for ourselves, but I guess we can’t now. I mean who wants a place polluted by industrial apes, cluttered primitive combustion engines, and swarming with shitloads of those infernal cats!

Bone:Why do you hate cats so much?

R-Jo:Who doesn’t hate cats? They are the scourge of the Multiverse. Oh, and they eat lizards, cough up hair balls, shit inside, and think they are cooler than everyone else.

Bone:They sound like the guys I blog with.

R-Jo:Blog? Oh yes, Blogging. Yet another insult to our home world. Humans are almost as bad as cats. Oh, I’m a cat. Look, I can wash myself with my tongue…like that sounds healthy. Disgusting freaks. But, I must admit, this phenomenon was covered in a recent Crank featurevery thoroughly on that site of yours.

R-Jo:Can we ask you a question? Hold on a moment, Earthling. Wrrrrrracureamurmanure-Bob, put the bartender down. We aren’t supposed to eat the staff until they try to give us a bill, remember?

Bone:Ah, sure go ahead, just add it to Mr. Winslow’s tab. I’m sure he won’t mind as long as he paid off the new bullet train between his third copter pad and Big Uns Hooter’s Palace.

R-Jo:So why are you talking to us, especially seeing as how we’ll be eating you after we finish this pitcher?

Bone:I’m a servant of Yig so all reptiles are my allies or at least cool enough to follow on Twitter. Second, I’m going to post this interview on this blog I work for and—

R-Jo:There you go again, insulting our planet, Blog. Oh, our home world is just as important as a silly website on your primitive interweb. And why is everyone asking us about good car insurance deals? I don’t understand that one at all. Why not bang two rocks together while you piss in your loincloth, flea-eater?!

Bone:Cool it, man. I’ll let that one go, because you’re a reptile, but I don’t need any lip from a bunch of creatures who were hoping to feast on the corpses of our dead world.

R-Jo:I don’t have lips, you dirt farming, cat loving, warmblood. And its Yig’s fault the Apocalypse didn’t happen. I think he’s gone soft and is starting to like you pale-bellied bipeds.

It was about then I tossed my chicken wings into their faces and grabbed a chair. I was about to go to town, when I noticed Zano had excused himself to use the restroom and the Crank had walked out with his cell phone, mouthing, “I have to take this.” Then T-Ballz chose that moment to go order another pitcher.

Alone I faced the eight Blogganinians. Damn it, where were some cats when you needed them? I might have been a goner if Ballz hadn’t distracted them with a full pitcher. (It’s okay, he put it on Winslow’s tab.) Later, we smoked them out, but not before we managed to set up an Interplanetary Weed Initiative. Don’t worry, it’s all medical marijuana. Everyone at the Discord has glaucoma, honest. Apparently, pot’s legal everywhere in the Multiverse, except parts of the U.S. You see, the Blogganinians prescribe pot for their cat allergies as well. Too bad Winslow’s taking 95% of the profit, since the deal went down during Discord hours. At least he’s letting me and my cats crash in the gardening shack behind his sixth home after the gecko bastards destroyed my home.

by Alex Bone • December 6, 2012

Discord Resorts to Black Magic to Increase Ratings

In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, “I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary…you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook.”

When I caught up with Mr. Winslow back at his office, I asked him why he would take such a chance with his very soul and he said, “Oh, I don’t have one of those. Besides, we need more traffic so I can get more cash. I’ve been having some trouble funding my seventh home which is being built on a private island off the coast of Bermuda and two of my Swedish mistresses are asking for boob jobs, so I figured we needed to up the stakes a little here.”

“Off the coast of…?” I decided to change tactics, “So what made you think of black magic?”

“You did. I always see you lighting black candles in the basement when I’m getting my third bottle of wine right before lunch, so I figured what the hell, let’s try to get some help from Hell. Now get out of my office! And I want that article by Friday Bone or you’re finished!”

I left Discord Central and found The Ghetto Shaman out back, rummaging through the trash for cans to recycle for beer money.

The Shaman chimed in, “I don’t think Winslow’s idea is that bad. It’s not like if he were possessed he could be any meaner. Besides, maybe we’ll get some hot succubus action out of this deal.”

When I asked if the site’s hits had improved, he only threw up on my shoes and asked to excuse himself.

I caught up with myself and I had this to say, “I’ve been a follower of the great dark God Tezcatlipoca for quite some time now and he assures me that as soon as the End of Days arrives all other news stations will be leveled and the Discord will control news throughout the globe. When I asked him if he could increase our views before that, he cursed Yig and disappeared into a cloud of inky smoke.”

Winslow had already left for his quarterly three month vacation and I still didn’t know whether our ratings had actually increased through all of these diabolical efforts. Then I found the Crank trying to break into Winslow’s office with a chainsaw, I asked him if he had heard any updates on how our ratings faired.

“The only people who read this shit are liberal dweebs in some dreary Seattle coffee shop,” he said.

“Umm, what are you doing anyway?”

“I’m just doing some redecorating while Winslow’s gone. And if you see Zano, tell him he’s next!”

Feeling more frustrated than ever, I was about to go drown my sorrows in the wine cellar, because Tezcatlipoca had promised to leave the door open for me, when I saw the Discord’s newest writer, T-Ballz, wandering the halls. “Hey Ballz, what are you doing?”

“Looking for a place to piss. Doesn’t this place have any bathrooms?”

“No, Winslow said that they were a waste of money, besides when the Discord tower was being built he said all of his assets were tied up constructing a second rollercoaster for his children’s private amusement park. So we usually just piss out the windows.”

“That works,” said Ballz. “Hey, let’s smoke a J and then use the Xerox to make copies of our—”

“Okay, but have you heard if our ratings went up after my dark efforts and Winslow’s deal with the devil?”

Ballz smiled, “Well, my friend, Vealatarian, who’s under house arrest, said he reads the Discord all the time…but I made it is home page and he doesn’t know enough about computers to change it.”

So there you have it, our spells have obviously begun to work and soon the whole world will bow to our evil sarcasm!

“Hey, don’t Bogart that thing, Ballz. And why does it smell like urine?”

by Alex Bone • October 29, 2012

Arkham, MA—Good evening, gentle readers. My name is Baron Von Hallens. But let me warn you, if I hear one more David Lee Roth joke, I will lay waste to the entire state of New Jersey! Unless Sandy beats me to it. I have been an immortal for six centuries and I have not seen worse politicians since Ambrosio Spinola back in the 1500s. That guy made W look like Stephen Hawking on ginkgo biloba.

Considering the current state of intelligence during this time period, you are probably unaware that periodically vampires slip into a torpor. In this partial-hibernative state, beyond even the reach of Zoloft, we can sleep for decades. Take that, makers of Ambien! It’s sort of a vampire’s version of a Saturday morning sleep in. I have recently awakened from such a slumber and have found the world has become a horrible place in my absence, except for Survivor. I love that show.

As you can imagine, when I awoke, I felt depleted and starved, so I went on a killing rampage. I had just cornered my hundredth or so victim, a rather rotund man wearing some peasant cloth over his girth which read, May The Fourth Be With You. I was intrigued, for this is the same date as my rebirth, so I allowed him to beg before feeding.

He told me he worked in something called an IT department, which I assumed had something to do with monsters. He begged for his life and in return promised to help me control a place known as the World Wide Web. Interesting. I assumed the IT they were raising must be a nest of giant Shelob-type spiders.

Naturally, I was intrigued. He said he must first build me an identity. I told him I already had one and then he laughed and laughed…well, until I tore off his finger. His whimpering and quaking form got back to work and he assured me that soon I would be able to control this web. First, he made a cartoon version of my face and sent it into this mysterious web.

He set up site after site, but I was barely paying attention, because Survivor was on. He showed me his glowing signals that looked like a window into the abyss or one of those damn paintings my old friend Van Gogh used to paint…before I bit off his ear. Soon I knew this web would be mine and thousands of new victims would be caught in my Internet of doom!

But there were problems. He spoke of such things as an army of Followers that would soon be mine, but when I looked with the help of this little tweeting blue bird, I saw only nine victims had followed me to their demise. And on the ‘Book of Faces’ things proved even worse!

I demanded to know what the problem was, but my new ghoul only hid behind the sofa and tried to offer me something called True Blood, which tasted like sugar soaked in urine.

He explained how hundreds of people pretended to be creatures of the night and, to the masses, I was just another of these poseurs. Spam he called it. This was not going well, especially when they started calling me Nosferyahoo and Spam the Impaler. The insolence!

After teaching him to eat flies, rodents, and those disgusting creatures you call house cats, I made my henchman get back to his task. My ghoul worked until his fingers bled over those foul square letters, but when I awoke the next evening, I saw my followers had only risen to twenty-two! Damn that blue tweeting bird! I demanded that he change the image to a bat, but he said this was beyond his puny powers.

I shaved him bald with a shard of glass, made him eat his own fingernails, and forced him to watch American Idol, but nothing seemed to work. He told me he would try Reddit, but they almost immediately banned us for Spamming. I haven’t eaten solid food for centuries and now this!

We tried other sites, like something called StumbleUpon, which sounded better suited to promote zombie prey, but my ghoul said we should throw everything at the wall to see what sticks. On the third try, my ghoul friend stuck to the wall…or, more accurately, parts of him did.

Then I took up the torch and discovered The Daily Discord. Ahhhhh, Discord! The floodlight of intelligence within a sea of flatulence jokes and pictures of your damned cats doing wacky hijinks. With the Discord behind me and the creatures of IT…the Web will soon be mine! What is that you say? We have only gotten a hundred page views so far. Well, it is a start Mr. Gates, it is a start.

Happy Halloween!

by Alex Bone • October 22, 2012

Washington, DC—In an unexpected move, the Romney campaign announced its intension to be the first administration ever to levy a tax on our nation’s homeless. Romney claims to have a five point plan to save America, or at least the nicer, Mormon friendly parts (MFP).

Mitt Romney said, “For too long the domicile-impaired have lived in our refrigerator boxes without paying a dime of rent. This shifts more of the burden unnecessarily, and quite unfairly, to the one percent. And some of my friends can’t even afford another car elevator these days. Think about that for a minute. No, my fellow Americans, the wealthiest can’t pay another dime, or we won’t even be able to hire someone to operate said car elevator. But what about the poorest one percent? Shouldn’t they pay just a little more for the greater good?”

Romney’s ‘Special Projects’ campaign manager, Vincent Drake, said “Once Romney is elected his five point strategy will shift some of the revenue generation back to those who haven’t been earning their keep. First these bums will have to prove how they have been eating, where they are sleeping, and most importantly where they are dropping their loads.”

Romney shared the details of his Operation Cardboard Box with reporters today:

All Dumpster-dived food will be re-taxed. The poor are still getting a great deal, but we’ll get some much needed revenue. For too long they have gotten by on food that has only been taxed once. This ends this January. If you eat it, you will be taxed. I’m thinking of calling it a regurgitax.
Park Benches, shanty towns, and squats of all kinds will now be rented. These will remain very low rents as we’re not trying to be unreasonable here. We’re certainly not looking for anyone to have to downgrade to newspapers.
There will be a small fee for newspaper blankets as well, because otherwise folks might move out of their spacious refrigerator boxes just to avoid their civic responsibilities. And I won’t have it!
All public defecation will be taxed. Yes, this used to be illegal, but our hearts are going out to these poor bastards. Instead of tossing them in jail, there will now be a fee for relieving yourself in public. We are thinking about 25¢ per pee and for a deuce we will be looking for a cool buck…or a hot and steamy buck, I suppose. We all know how much the homeless drink, so this could make great strides toward relieving the burden on our defecate…er, our defishit…oh, you get the idea.
I am so excited about my fifth point, but I can’t tell you about it until after the election, but believe me the slacking 47% won’t know what hit them.

In closing, the Romney Campaign promised to hold all Americans accountable, “Because how are we going to be able to engage in an unnecessary war every few years unless all Americans are willing to pull their weight? Urine alone can get us mired in another land war in Syria or Iran. Talk about a trickledown theory. If I get my way, the shit is going to hit the Iran,” said Romney.

by Alex Bone • October 8, 2012

Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).

When asked to elaborate on this new strategy, Romney’s ‘Special Projects’ lead, Vincent Drake, had this to say: “We aren’t pulling any tricks here. These are all registered undead voters. If you’re a registered voter and you can pull the lever, then you can vote. We have had some issues with limbless zombies or some losing their hands in the machine, but that’s the price we’re willing to pay to save this country for the wealthiest one percent.”

When asked if voter I.D. laws will negatively impact the zombie vote, Drake replied, “Yeah, most of them don’t have wallets, let alone picture I.D. And, being dead an all, it would be hard to tell if you have the same person anyway. Hell, some may even accidentally vote for Obama. It’s not perfect, but we do hope some liberal voters will be eaten in the process. Then guess who they’re voting for?”

The Obama campaign is hitting back with their, Operation Head Shot, which aims to eliminate some of these Republican supporters.

Romney’s camp responded to that program today. “That’s voter suppression at its worst. It’s just like you leftist tree hugging, welfare mom loving, gay sex having, drug taking, anti-firearm scum! The undead have rights too, you prejudiced bastards. It’s always Breathers First with you people. You’re discriminating against decomposers! You liberals make me sick…right down to my exposed and dangling entrails.”

The Romney campaign is denying allegations they’re raising more of the dead to increase voter turnout.

“We aren’t using any necromancy, if that’s what you’re implying,” said Drake. “After all, Romney only has a few dozen necromancers on the payroll. Obama is probably too good to hire wizards who fiddle with dead bodies, which again proves he’s prejudice against the Life-Impaired.”

All of the undead from Vampires to Zombies apparently love Romney. Think of all the things they have in common:

They both don’t care about human rights.
Neither group wants to waste precious tax dollars keeping people alive through healthcare.
Undead never get abortions.
Zombies may rise out of their grave, but they’ll never raise your taxes.
Both are soulless.
Romney cannibalizes businesses for money, while zombies just cannibalize.
Like the super-rich, vampires drain the life out of the living and leave them a weak impoverished husk.
Much like Republicans, the undead love a nice drawn out war, “mmm, battlefield victims.”
Both use only the primitive reptilian parts of the brain.
Both advocate for mindless consumerism.

Local stalwart, Jack Primus, had this to say, “Romney sucks the life out of everything he touches and he wants to leave our country a desolate wasteland, where the uber-rich hide in gated communities while the rest of us fight for scraps. Every election cycle the Republicans present worse and worse candidates. I thought no one could be dumber or fouler than W, but then Palin reared her diabolical head. Now Romney makes her look like a philanthropist who takes in orphans during food drives. What next Jeffrey Dahmer 2016! Soylent Green in every pot!”

So, as you can see, the Romney campaign might just be getting the shot in the arm they need and just like Reanimator their election hopes could be rising from the dead to take a big bite out of Obama’s chances.

by Alex Bone • September 24, 2012

Washington, DC—Jack Primus is coming under a lot of fire over the past several days as hordes of the tentacle-ridden maggoty fungi, known as the Migo (no relation to our politicians), are assaulting humans all over the globe—not to mention the Romney family’s endangered species petting zoo.

Firearms have had little impact on this interstellar menace and Jack’s advice to soldiers is ‘to chop them into small bits’ isn’t winning him any new friends. While the rest of the world is hunting down Jack in the hopes of offering him up to the Migo in order to stave off this destruction, I managed to find him lounging in front of the local pub called Scallywags. There, he agreed to this exclusive interview:

Alex: “Hello Jack, how strange seeing you here.”

Jack: “Well, I do work here. At least I have since I spent all the gold Yig gave me, and my former squeeze, Loni, changed all the locks on her door. She didn’t like it when I became a serpent during sex. Chicks these days, eh?”

Alex: “So the War on Women is becoming a War on Serpents?

Jack: “You can say that. It doesn’t really make any sense, but you can say that…”

Alex: It’s amazing stalwarts such as yourself still have jobs. I thought with your new book coming out you’d never have to work another day in your life other than maybe lifting your cuter fans onto the back of your Harley.”

Jack: “I didn’t write that book. Griffiths is stealing all my ideas and not giving me a cent! I heard he raked in so much loot after one of his last book signings that he and Zano ordered a whole bucket of chicken wings. He sent me the bones in the mail—the bastard.”

Alex: “So how do you feel about the big C sending the Migo after you? And can I get Loni’s number?”

Jack: “F-Cthulhu and no you can’t. Old squid face can come after me whenever he wants, the damn parasite. I prefer an honest fight. If these off-world scum think they can just come down here and walk all over [insert seventeen minute rant against aliens here].

Alex: “So what is it about the second Chronicles of Jack Primus, now available on Amazon, that has them all fired up?”

Jack: “For one thing, it doesn’t portray the scum of evil in a handsome light. These days vampires have bling, werewolves make good boyfriends, and ghosts make people horny. WTF?! It won’t be long before zombie prostitutes are on every street corner. Hell, vampires would rather tear out your neck than snuggle and the closest some chick will ever get to a werewolf is when he’s shitting her out the next morning.”

Alex: “Does your book expose their weaknesses?”

Jack: “Hail Yig, it does. No one likes to be hit between the eyes with a sledge hammer. My book also lets the reader know what their strengths are as well. dyevils use fire, Selectors move like ninjas on meth, and darcarre prefer blondes—which was also a great movie.”

Alex: “If you had to sum up the book…”

Jack: “It’s a non-stop, kick ass, explosion of action where I prove once and for all that I’m America’s next heartthrob hero, well, in between ordering beer and cheese steaks.”

Alex: “Any plans on how you’re going to stop this Migo invasion?”

Jack: “Oh yeah, but I can’t tell you because some of their crawdads allies have learned to read, but I will say it involves Northern Arizona, a soon to be active volcano, blowing up a dam, and eight-thousand tons of butter. Oh shoot, here come a few dozen Migo now. Time to step up, Boneman, I have an extra hammer you can use.”

Alex: “Damn it, why does Zano get all the cushy haunted pub assignments?”

by Alex Bone • August 30, 2012

Aliens Pledge to Destroy Human Race as Favor to Dolphins?!

Miami, FL—Dolphin researcher, Dr. Holly Hotalot, made a startling announcement to the press today: “Many of the world’s dolphins and porpoises have been communicating with an alien race known only as the Usukko and their message has implications far beyond Obamacare. This is like that Douglas Adams novel only worse!”

Dr. Hotalot reported that what was more surprising was how much these lovable creatures have been conspiring against us. Forget about a ride to the shore if you’re drowning these days. All marine mammals have passed HR234, the “let the fuckers drown” proposition (although, technically they’re porpoisitions). These days, Flipper just wants to flip us off. The entire marline life population is sick of our polluting ways and they have asked this alien race, the Usukko’s, to help hasten our demise. Although no dolphin has yet said, ‘so long and thanks for all the fish’, many feel it’s just a matter of time now.

When asked how she could communicate with the animals, Dr. Hotalot said, “I’ve been talking to them for years.” She then proceeded to let loose a series of beeps and chips until she was escorted off the stage. Initially this whole situation was considered a bad joke, more typical of a Zano feature, but then military ships began to disappear across the globe and the price of tuna skyrocketed. To make matters worse dolphins are now being implicated in more and more ball and Frisbee disappearances.

Most experts believe that these Usukko consider these sea mammals to be the most advanced species on the planet, while humans rank somewhere between leeches and foot fungus. Professor William Lynn had this to say: “Like other parasites, these aliens feel mankind should be cleansed so that the honorable animals can go on living without contamination, or silly movies being made about them.” The whales, for example, are apparently still fuming about the movie Free Willy.

Yig, the Earth God, has designated his spokesman as one Jack Primus. The Feathered Serpent plans to aid the human race. Yesterday, Primus gave a speech in Washington DC on the front steps of a local bar called Spankies.

Primus told three onlookers, “Don’t let their friendliness toward those fish eating freaks fool you! Anything in the ocean is suspect. Porpoises have been trying to fool us for years, but they are nothing but shiny smiling Deep Ones, obviously in league with Cthulhu himself! The Usukko are probably in league with the Migo as well and the only way to decipher this last passage is to buy my book here. Cthulhu and the Migo sent crawdads here to be their spies decades ago. The only animals you can trust are reptiles and not even all of them, because I loaned twenty bucks to a California King Snake and he never gave it back. Red next to black, friend to Jack? My ass!”

When asked what the U.S. military intended to do to combat this threat, General John Mitchum had this to say: “We intend to build concentration camps for all sea mammals and put them to work crushing aluminum cans with their tails. See? We are environmentalists. We are also making huge aquariums which will be suspended over our major cities, so, if these off-world scum try to attack, they will have to kill their precious baby drowning sea trash first.”

When asked if we would go on the offensive, the General said, “Yep.” When asked to elaborate, he replied that he was almost done watching the director’s cut of Independence Day and would let us know when he was finished.

In the mean time, thousands of ‘Right to Lifers’ have taken to protesting at the nations beaches, holding up signs toward the ocean and yelling, “Go back to the big Dipper because we hate you Flipper.”

Where and when this threat will end is unknown, but I am going to change into my dolphin suit and hide off the coast of Bermuda just in case.