Yes, I’m going there again, but only because even I am flabbergasted how much worse the facts keep getting.  No, I don’t use the word flabbergasted lightly.  The unease people are facing now, amidst the economic collapse, gives me hours of amusement.  At least people are finally embracing the suckage.  But they still don’t know how we got here!  Well, that all ends today.  I tried to guesstimate our fiscal woes a few posts back and, as it turns out, I stand corrected (or blog corrected).  It’s actually worse for the Bushies.  I have been waiting a long time for these numbers from the Congressional Budget Office.  Really, I’ve done nothing but wait patiently for this info—besides the four Bs, of course: boozing, boinking, blogging and BimboGladiators.com.

Above chart originally snagged from Andrew Sullivan’s blog: The Daily Dish

As far as our fiscal demise goes, the Bush tax cuts are projected to win, hands down!  Er, stocks down.  Oh, and see that really thin grey line marked Fannie and Freddie?  I can’t.  Well, that’s the line the Foxeteers think caused the entire economic collapse—the Barney Frank line, as it were.  In reality, that line is attributed equally to people like Barney Frank, Wall Street greed, and George W. Bush.  But don’t let the facts get in the way of your ideology.  Fox never does.  But, even if the whole Fannie Freddie thing is Barney Frank’s fault, then it’s still a drop in the Gulf compared to the wars, the budget cuts, and the economic downturn….you know, Bush Country.

The bailout line is about half Bush and half Obama.  Somehow the bailouts worked, albeit temporarily.  I predicted the bailouts would only pause the collapse, but there’s some actual gains—stock market and economic growth that I did not predict.  I keep forgetting this whole pile of shit called our fiscal futures is mostly about perceptions, so the BS can linger like a malt liquor Ghetto Shaman fart (MLGSF).  Oh, and as sketchy as the Obama bailouts were, no one knows where a dime of Bush’s 700 billion went (filling the old coffers, no doubt).   Bill W., of Alcoholics Anonymous fame, is probably, as the Crank puts it, whirling feverishly in his mausoleum.  Bush is one guy who never should have stopped drinking.  He makes me question my own service as a counselor—not to mention my male prostitution days.  It’s not related, but it weighs heavily on my conscience.  I can’t even listen to Van Halen’s Just a Gigolo without sobbing.

Sure the bailouts worked to a degree, but we’re still screwed.  But hey, I’m drinking Belgians, so thanks, Obama!  Just for today.  Now, back to our chart.  Not all of those three biggest trillion dollar + bands of deficit are Bush’s fault.  Afghanistan comes to mind.  So let’s continue to be fair here.  I think only about 75% of the massive fiscal fuck up is his contribution.  I said 60% earlier.  Sorry.  I was doing zen math, which is better than Fox math by a long shot.  To summarize, just consider Bush’s part in our demise about ten times that of the Barney Frank influence (BFI).  At BFI, we don’t make the economic collapse, we make the Foxeteers feel better about their abysmal voting records.  Again, we are not likely to recover from this recession, at least not in the foreseeable future—as I’ve said all along. Part of Europe’s problems, PART of it, all-or-none thinking peeps, was certainly a result of our collapse.  I only thought Bush would end the U.S. economy, I had no idea he would destroy the global economy as well. Wait, I think I already said that once.  Funny how I rarely need to retract anything, just repeat things.  For retractions see a Crank and his Blog (with Don Johnson).  I think that’s a repeat too.  But it never gets old.

The second economic collapse will be more painful than the first.  The illusion will officially be over.  And for all of you incredibly-slow-on-the-uptake partisan-hacks (ISOTUPH), you contributed to the cause by supporting our first developmentally disabled president.  TWICE!

Obama, Crank?  He will end up a mediocre president—a man who delayed the inevitable for a time.  The Foxeteers have lots of reasons how Obama could get us out of this mess—all imaginary, of course, like their facts.  Most of your rage should be directed at your own shortsightedness.  Bush will eventually occupy the place of worst president ever.  So, when it’s all said and done, no one will be asking, why didn’t Obama pull out his magic wand and fix everything; they’re going to ask, how in Yig’s name did Bobo Monkey Boy get elected twice at such a critical juncture in U.S. history?  That will be the question of the ages.  On that note, I’ve got two words for you, Joseph Goebbles.  Oh wait, I mean, Rupert Murdoch. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Bush has four presidents to pass on his decent toward infamy.  Not sure if he will beat Buchanan, but he will end up neck and neck with the bastard, for sure.  I’m talking about Pat Buchanan over on MSNBC.  Who were you talking about?

You may be wondering why I never mentioned the Tea Party in this post…

Episode II: The Clown Wars (coming soon to a blog post near you)

Arizona’s Governor Janet Brewer is brilliant! I will never call her democratically challenged again.  She is killing two birds with one stone.  She is cutting most funding for the severely mentally ill, while she lets every undocumented felon carry concealed weapons, everywhere and anywhere: bar, state park, church function, or cock fight.  At first I thought, what an idiot.  And then I thought…clever girl!  These things will just work themselves out over time with little to no cost to the taxpayer. 

Do you begin to see her genius?  The Ted Nugents of the world can now hunt less than productive citizens for sport, so I would like to be the first to request a ‘bring out your dead’ cart as seen in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  See?  Her plan is saving money from social services, pandering to hunters, while creating jobs for innovative souls such as myself.  On that note: “Bring out your dead!” 

I predict this legislature will ultimately cost more for the AZ tax payer, not to mention the lives it will cost.  But, if Janet Brewer’s plan is to move the feds toward action on immigration—you know, so we have an adult version of an immigration bill at some point—then I understand her ploy.  If real reform surfaces and then she backs off her own somewhat extreme version, she deserves kudos.  But I really don’t think she’s smart enough for this ploy, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.   Fact: the U.S. Government has ignored the problem way too long.  I was on the border two weeks ago, as covered in my last riveting feature.  When I wasn’t philosophizing about the perfect stout java combo, I was interviewing the locals.  I got to talk to a rancher who lives on the border, a fellow social service type working at a center for troubled youth at Mary’s Mission.  

Not only did he know the rancher who was killed recently, but a helicopter landed in his own backyard to bust some drug runners not a week before our conversation.  He says it’s never been this bad.  It’s a real war around Sierra Vista, not some exaggeration.  He separates people crossing his land for jobs from those running drugs.

“Drug dealers are the problem, not the folks looking for work.”

But, he fears for his family’s safety, for his land, and for his life.  Something definitely needs to be done.  Both sides ignore this problem as not to damage relations with the largest growing voting group.  It’s disgusting, like most of our sausage making these days.  This is where neither side is getting the picture.  But Mrs. Governor Lady, the laws don’t need to resemble 1940s Germany in any way. I feel the need to put Governor Janet Brewer in perspective for non-Arizonians.  Mrs. Brewer barely graduated with an associate’s degree from some community college.  Of course, that alone doesn’t make her stupid, especially as compared to, say, her colleague, the bumbling and barely literate Senator Kyle.  But upon hearing her talk and watching her actions…er, in the immortal words of Foghorn Leghorn: “She’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.”  Or as they call it in the Beltway, a Fox News All Star.

Again, this is where some integral thought might go a long way.  Brewer’s plan has gotten the Dem’s attention.  Her bill is a cry for help.  In fact, as a mental health professional, I believe most of her actions are a cry for help.  But what should Obama do?  How should he react?  Well, anything Obama tries to pass, right or wrong, will be shot down by the Republicans of the world faster than a Jew in Damascus.  Let’s be clear about this, Republicans are not rooting for America, they are rooting for their own private Idaho—a version of America that has already died, along with most of the Gulf Coast wildlife.  And, to this I say good riddance! I’m not talking about socialism, I don’t want that, either.  I’m talking about an unsustainable illusion called Hannity’s America. It’s time to grow up and the smell the change.  I know, it’s bad for your kidneys, so you might want to stay indoors and use a respirator.  You see, Hannity’s America doesn’t have EPA regs, so breathing is ill advisable under any circumstances.  

As for the drug smuggling, perhaps 25% of the problem could die tomorrow by legalizing pot.  The war on drugs is a war we have lost.   Having been in the field of addiction counseling, I would have to say three out of four substance abuse professionals favor legalization.  Informed people realize alcohol is way more addictive and dangerous than pot—especially the way I use it.  In other words, if you’ve drawn the line at alcohol, pot is on the other, considerably safer side of the equation.  I am also in favor of legalizing certain hallucinogens (under pressure from the Ghetto Shaman) but that’s about it.  They are actually discovering certain hallucinogens work more effective on depression than SSRIs.  Of course, most placebos work better than SSRIs, but I love those Merck luncheons.  The rest of the drugs out there are too addictive and/or too dangerous, but a 20% drop in smuggling could happen tomorrow if we would only free the seed—not to mention I would be one step closer to my dream of running a hash bar chain: Hash Wednesdays.  Think about it, we have a Ruby Tuesdays, a TGI Fridays.  Haven’t we ignored hump day long enough?  Weed the People in order to form a more perfect menu.

I think at this point, sending the National Guard to the border is imperative, both for our security and our sanity.  As for a fence along the border, I think a fence should be sensor driven, not wood or chain-link constructed.  This is 2010.  I realize this country is way past its prime, but we can do this.  An actual wall is an eyesore, expensive, and ineffectual.  No, I’m not talking about Governor Brewer.   To summarize my plan: an adult version of immigration reform, sensors not another Great Wall, deploy the National Guard, legalize pot, and send Brewer, Guns, and Money.   Er, hold the Brewer.

There’s a current bias toward moderates these days. It’s an essentially meaningless word, like the dollar. The Crank feels people are really in the middle of most issues and that the nuts portrayed in the media are nothing more than good entertainment. I don’t think if you take Spiral Dynamics seriously, which I do, you can so easily dismiss the different perspectives at work here. Nine states want to secede, and I happen to be living in one of them. I want to secede too, but not for the same reasons they do. Someone needs to do something about reality television and open container laws! See?

You can’t ignore that lines are being drawn, in some cases, battle lines. Folks are becoming more entrenched and polarized than ever. And if I secede after they secede…that is, if I secede too early, does the state’s secession void mine, or have I doubly seceded myself into something wholly other? Or, am I still an American trapped behind enemy lines? A series of secessions, or—dare I say it—a succession of secession might I succeed in seceding at all? People are choosing sides and, sadly, none of them are mine. Let me explain why you are all mind-numbingly bat shit.

People often mistake the moderate movement as wishy-washy and lacking any true principles. It’s a tough sell. I don’t know what Ken Wilber has in mind for his Integral Politics, but if it’s going to attach itself to an existing political party—which it won’t, but if it did—the party would ultimately be some variation of “moderate.” A moderate centrist tends to be more inclusive of other’s views, which is of paramount importance to any integral movement. The Constitution would also be championed, but the whole thing—not just the half of it the party in power is interested in defending at the moment to optimize their bank accounts.

Admittedly an integral moderate would look very different from any center point between wing nuts. But even your run-of-the-mill moderates understand that if we hand the keys to Rush Limbaughor to Michael Moore, we are simply going to crash this car called America into different trees. Currently, moderates in America are a joke (see: any Discord article). There is no strong, all-inclusive message (see: any Discord article). A moderate doesn’t stand for much, and rarely even leaves the recliner. What then is the angry middle? The angry middle is getting larger, which may have more to do with never leaving the recliner. I recommend Nexium and getting outside more.

But who are the raging moderates? How do you even define moderate in the first place, because the term is so blasted relative? Example, is a moderate Muslim one that condones lashing people caught kissing in public but will draw the line before decapitating them? In certain regions of the world that is sadly a ‘yes.’

Someone on NPR recently defined two main factions of U.S. moderates: 1.) Hamiltonian moderates (small but energetic governance, big banks, strong military), and 2.) Communitarian moderates (needs of the community as the theoretical model—a reaction to aspects of liberal devaluation of community). What? That sounds like anyone short of Ron Paul to anyone short of Barak Obama. It says nothing to me, like…(see: any Discord article). Ok, Ok…I’ll stop.

Is there anyone out there even close to an integral candidate? Hardly. Again, a moderate integral movement would not simply constitute some centrist, middle of the road vaguery. It would signify a Third Way or integral merger that transcends and includes the valid points of all perspectives (except maybe the Crank’s. I’m not a miracle worker).

The best example of integral moderate policy would be Bill Clinton’s approach toward social welfare programs,Opportunity with Responsibility. Clinton’s approach was designed to help only the truly disabled and those who deserved the help. His program fell decidedly short of liberal enabling. He said, sure Uncle Sam will help, if you do this, this and this. In other words, no free lunch. If you’re willing to become a productive member of society, some help may be necessary and warranted, but multi-generational welfare families…er, it’s time to get a job. Clinton, following Wilber’s lead, put forth the best idea in recent social service history and he managed to piss everybody in the country off in doing so. That’s the problem. You are all wing nuts. Two percent of the population has valuable answers and the other 98% won’t listen. 98% of the country is living in all-or-none thinking land. They are way too close to either the Limbaugh’s or the Moore’s of the world to effect positive change. So any honest to goodness good idea in this country doesn’t stand a chance (see: any Discord article).

The Crank told me this verbally once: the Democrat gets up to the mic and says, “we want this, this, and this program paid for by the government,” and then the Republican stands up and says, “I’m not paying for your bleeping this, this, and this.” He has just very accurately described the legislative branch of our government for the last several decades…and never the twain shall meet. If more people understood integral thought, this middle way could be achieved. Even Jesus, kind hearted as he was, clearly avoided enabling. Liberal green peeps are masters of enabling. They will—being too generous to the point of recklessness—tank any economy with the best of intentions. Right now, Vermont is spending $150,000 for a tunnel so that salamanders can cross one particular country street. They’re not even endangered salamanders and it’s not even a particularly busy street. Salamanders may not even like tunnels for all I know, but that’s our liberal stimulus money at work. I actually agree that we need to protect frogs and bees, because their demise will hasten our own, but we also can’t lose sight of the fact that we are broke. Besides, several salamanders owe me money.

The Tea Partiers of the world are way too selfish. They will not do the minimum for the most at risk among us. We need to limit taxes, but we can’t eliminate them. They are also completely programmed what to fear by those with their own agendas…agendas very different from their own. I hope they figure this out some day. The true test for the Tea Party will come soon enough. If Republicans sweep the midterms and win in 2012 and their movement collapses, they were and are a fraud. I don’t want to categorize everyone in this movement. It is, after all, an amalgamation of different disgruntled factions, but until they become something other than completely clueless, you can count me out.

We need to pack the best from each perspective and leave the rest. Watching Sean Hannity, Michelle Bachman, and Sarah Palin discussing the soul of conservatism on Fox News this week made me throw up a little in my throat. I recommend Nexium and getting outside more. That was the all important topic these ‘great thinkers’ were wrestling with. They ignored Andrew Sullivan’s attempt and probably never read his book The Conservative Soul: How We Lost It, How to Get It Back. He wrote this book in 2006. You know, when those three were too busy cheering-on the policies that would destroy us.

Dear Tea Party,

Don’t pick the stupidest kid in the class to write your book report. There’s value in conservatism, it just doesn’t have anything to do with Michelle Bachman.

Sincerely,

Reality

If you want true independent thought, you actually have to think things through, er…independently. Each shift up the spectrum of consciousness has inherently more independent thought. Tribal and feudal has little or none (follow me or suffer the consequences), fundamentalism has very little independent thought (follow the tenets of the contradictory holy book or suffer the consequences), orange (entrepreneurialism) has considerably more (follow the rules of the market and we’ll all get rich). Green (liberalism designed to cherish all perspectives and seek harmony) has a lot more independent thought, but it’s also like herding god-damned cats. Because they’ve truly reached this brand new, post-centric thinking, you’re just never going to get these folks on the same page anytime soon. The obscenely popular and gifted Transcosmetic Party is, of course, the answer. I implore Ken Wilber to use the massive numbers of registered voters amassed by this cutting edge integral movement, fueled by the Discord Nation. We even have a new mission statement. We have given up on: To Rate Every Brew Pub in the Galaxy. Our new mission statement is: To Boldly Purchase Ken Wilber’s Integral Politics and Let Someone Smart Deal with this Societal Shit Storm (SSS).

Damn. I almost made it an entire article without a lousy acronym joke (LAJ). Damn, I did it again…

Mr. Pernick, Obama is simply preparing you for something Republicans have put off thinking about for a long time…something called the future.  Your view of reality is as short-lived as that new Facebook group, Mohammed Caricature Artists of Damascus (has the meeting been moved to Wed., Abdullah?).  In the immortal words of Dan Akroyd, “Do you want to see something really scary?”  Try reading the UK’s defense plan for the next twenty-five years.  I have.  Soylent Green, it’s Brit folk.  I think sending them all that SPAM during the war has changed their DNA.   Now if we could only find a more eco-friendly way to upgrade yours…

The U.S. doesn’t release such defense documents, because our democracy died somewhere back on 03’.  Gee, who was in charge then?  The numbers and the supplies just don’t add up.  Unless, of course, you are more of a non-Euclidian geometry, Yig-loving, Alex Bone type.  The neococoon hasn’t figured out yet that we’re heading for some troubled waters.  Unfortunately, many in the heartland just plan to drive their Hemi’s to the ‘Seared Meat Barn’ until the bitter end, and future generations be damned.  I understand your dilemma.  You’ve lived your whole lives encased in some seventies’ John Travolta movie.  Example, your defense of our current healthcare system is great for the Mr. Burnses of the world—who are planning to have their heads transferred into Futuramaesque glass stabilization jars—but it’s not so good for the rest of us.  You see, most of us are not going to enter the hospital via the private heliport.  In my state, AZ, in a few weeks, you won’t be able to get to the doctors at the ED through the masses of mentally ill folks swarming like lithium free locusts (LFL).  Oh, and if you saw that last lousy acronym joke (LLAJ), Winslow is asleep on the job (WAJ). 

I know Republicans like to hit the snooze button a lot.  If only they’d sleep through some votes.  The worst aspects of both R and D want to invariably crawl back into some simpler time—but look what it did to those 3D-blue people on Pandora! 

No, Mr. Pernick, I have not read Your Life, Your Choices (AKA, the government’s end of life “So You’re Fucked” handbook), but you do realize the Republican version will be Your Denial, Our Choice.  What’s so wrong about sending out a government-issue “So, You’re Fucked” handbook?  It’s wake up time, peeps.  People should know their end of life options.  I don’t know about you, but I plan on dying at some point, granted, it’s last on my list, but at least it’s on my list.  When the baby boomers retire and the once viable U.S. economy is finally diagnosed properly, the real shit storm will begin.  Big Brother is just trying to warm us up slowly to the impending suckage.  When you have no money, or at least not enough for the Heliport Access Healthcare (HAH!), wouldn’t you rather have the comfort of a “So You’re Fucked” handbook?  I have my own “So You’re Fucked” handbook, it’s called the Bartender’s Black Book.  Plan B is the healthcare bill stack of medical marijuana scripts in my dresser.  Plan C is my Tinfoil Friendly-Hydroponic closet (TFH-THC).  Man, Winslow’s napping. 

You, Mr. Pernick, don’t have a plan at all, do you?  Oh, that’s right, you watch Fox Snooze.

There are other end-of-life views than your more fundamentalist version.  At least atheists and integralists have that in common.  I don’t believe you go to hell if, at ninety-something, you decide to jump into the Grand Canyon rather than face one more day of Nurse Rachett.  I like actor Brian Kieth’s view, “When someone calls you an asshole and you can’t kick the shit out of them, what’s the point?” or some such.

I don’t think it’s worth digging deeply into my children’s inheritance to keep my ticker ticking for six more minutes.  Unless, of course, Nurse Rachett accommodates some last requests.  Then all bets are off.  On that point, I want to go to a “happy ending” nursing home.   I’m sure Vegas will have some by then.   (Start looking for a good one for us now, Tony.  Start in Chinatown.)  Here’s the problem, this book Your Life, Your Choices probably doesn’t contain the same level of denial to which you are accustomed.  Sorry, but for most of us, it makes no sense at ninety something to spend a gazillion dollars to keep us alive for an extra week or two—just ask my family.  But, I agree, it should be an individual’s choice.  If you have the money, go for it.  I am not prepared to blockade the heliport (at least not yet).  Someone may choose tons of late procedures for fear of God’s wrath, fear of death, or a whole lot of other fear paradigms in which Republicans tend to excel.  That’s fine, but the fundamentalist thinkers of the world need to understand that other people have decidedly more pragmatic approaches, involving hookers, or nurses dressed like hookers, or hookers dressed like nurses (again it’s about individual choice and, in some cases, leather).  Some other end of life books, are in there own way, quite spiritual (see: leather).  Take the Tibetan Book of the Dead, for example.  Some embrace the end as a necessary shift that builds each soul toward the next spiritual plane.  Others, driven by spirituality, fly planes into buildings.  Heck, on that note, I may even spring for the two-nurse Buddha booty bye bye.  Sorry about the bill, kids…community college won’t be so bad.

I do agree with your assessment of late term abortions and you are also correct about how curbing populations are a prime governmental focus for the future.  If you read the, er, “techniques” the UK will be employing soon, they are far more extreme.  Well, it’s no more extreme, really, it’s just Brits are more honest about the future.  Another part of this equation is fear.  What you fear, Mr. Pernick, is the shift from fundamentalist thinking (blue) to more scientific/entrepreneurial thinking (orange) to really scary liberal thinking (green).  You are right to fear such societal shifts.  They are no easy trick.  According to Ken Wilber, we can’t forget to pack the important pieces from each level without risking potentially disastrous consequences.  Today’s world is fraught with people insisting we tear down everything that came before it.  Even the new age movement, which I harbor some clear sympathy towards, have whole factions who want to nuke society and climb back into the nearest tree.  This return to Eden shit is for the birds…apparently, they will be living in the branches next to them. 

I have been saying for years that each level needs better and smarter spokespeople. I agree with some things Fox stands for, but the presentation sucks (No, Crank, I am not talking about Megan Kelly—her tits are real fine.  I’m talking about the content.  No, Crank, not the size; they’re perfectly perky Geez, would you let me write here?).  Wilber’s ‘Levels’ are not an indicator of intelligence.  Hitler and Bin Laden are clear examples of super intelligent, morally bankrupt individuals.  I, therefore, have tried to champion and encourage the best from each perspective. AKA, fundamentalism blue level needs better spokes people than Pat Robertson, entrepreneurial orange needs better spokesmen than Bill Krystol and green needs better spokesmen than Michael Moore.  Each, in their own way, are very rigid and will not allow for a progressive growth or shift into the next perspective.  Sometimes I do attack and demean as bad as the Crank, which is hardly integral, but I try to limit my transgression to those worst aspects of each level.  Example, Osama Bin Laden is about the worst version of fundamentalist thinking and John Paul the II may represent the best.  We have much to learn from John Paul, and we need to string the other guy up.  

If our countries’ leaders adopted a more integral approach, the next transition would be a smoother, less violent. I am waiting patiently for Wilber’s Integral Politics for the blueprints.  I am also waiting patiently for Obama to wake up and smell the integral coffee.  Nine states are talking about seceding, which is astounding because these are, for the most part, Bushies and Tea Partiers—those who backed the dismantling of our land our laws and our future.  But let’s let bygones, be bygones. I’ll get over it…someday. I want a real leader to emerge in that Tea Party movement.  Ron Paul may be such a leader.  Whereas I don’t agree with him on a lot of issues, he’s the best they’ve got.  Oh, and Sarah Palin represents about the worst they’ve got.  Fox infuriates me because they always champion the worst of the worst…”the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.” (What movie?)

About a year ago, Pokey McDooris wrote an article championing the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.  Either these guys have tanked even more, or Pokey got a hold of some unusually strong pot that week. Hydropundits? During my last trip to Las Vegas, I had to listen to Rush Limbaugh between Kingman, AZ and Boulder City, NV—a long stretch of highway not dissimilar in appearance to the moon. I lost the signal twice, hit search, and immediately found those invisible airwaves crackling with Rush. I couldn’t really find any common ground, though.  And I was actually trying to find some for the first hundred-miles or so.  It’s lonely on the moon. I felt like that dog from Chevy Chase’s Vacation. “He probably kept up for a mile or so…” (sniffle).  Limbaugh was shamelessly trying to rewrite history and defend the indefensible.   Overall, his “views” showed an astounding lack of insight.  Everything was painted…and a really off color.  There’s the act of painting the actual stars in the night sky (realism) then there’s Van Gogh’s version of the night sky (impressionism) and then there’s Limbaugh’s view, where you just vomit on the canvas at night and hope for the best (host-depressionism). 

The other day Glenn Beck over on Fox News said, “Progressives are all about evolution,” as if that’s a bad thing. Sure I want to evolve.  Things have evolved for quite some time on this planet, until cable news came along.  I’ll tell you what, Glenn, you stay out my evolution and I’ll try to stay out of your stagnation.  Sound fair and balanced?  Yeah, well you don’t…  Of course, I do have more respect for Mr. Magoo, aka, Glenn Beck, than I do for Lush Bimbo.  Beck saw this collapse coming almost as soon as I did.  And he also at least tries to remind everyone—to the chagrin of his handlers—that this is not just a Dem created collapse.  But Project Fox has reached maximum velocity, so many initiates now only hear what they want to hear (see: A Crank and his Blog with Don Johnson).  But someone needs to review Glenn’s work before he pulls out that chalk board.  He sounds like he’s hitting on certain valid points at times, but the overall impression, well, a certain character from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland comes to mind.  He’s just plain mad (hint: not the angry connotation). 

This may come as a surprise to you, but I am not that politically savvy, nor do I—as the Crank rightly points out—know squat about economics.  I just have the ability to see things objectively, which in today’s world can make you akin to a Nostradamus of your time.  I am miles ahead of the “leading thinkers” of this Tea Party movement, and that’s more of a slam on them than any praise for me. The problems this country faces are not going to be solved by handing power back over to those most culpable for our demise.  But any good integralist should be more understanding of all views.  I know, I know…I need to be a little more tolerant of all perspectives, even stupid ones.  I will meditate on this.  Stupid perspectives.  OK, I need to work on this.  Breathe…breathe…breathe. OK, I will start a Crankitude list to remind myself of the beauty and wonder of all of my fellow Americans—stupid perspectives.  

All right, let’s try to reach some common ground.  Beck and I agree on the preservation of the Constitution. The Constitution was designed to protect my progress and your lack thereof.  I also, like Glenn, have increasing sympathy for certain nutso conspiracy theories.  Beyond that, I’m having a hard time following your, ahem, logic.  I think you’re doing important work; I just want someone connecting the dots that isn’t sniffing so much at the magic markers, is all.  On most nights, Beck’s train of thought resembles the end of that Silver Streak movie.  I agree, the shadow side of green (certain liberals) might well do some damage to the Constitution, in the guise of an enlightened view.  I am particularly worried about the 1^st and 2^nd Amendments.    Sure most liberals have moved from an ethno to a world-centric perspective, but this does not mean they have all, or even any, of the answers to today’s problems.  Two words, Jimmy Carter.  We need to find a way to move into the 21^st century without destroying ourselves.  The worst of the green perspective (liberals), doesn’t care if our economy and our society tanks, even irreparably so.  A certain level of collapse is imminent, but I am hoping we eventually re-emerge with innovation leading the way.  Like at Toyota, which seems to be breaking away from the pack (literally).  But I’m not holding my breath (though with conditions in the Valley today, I probably should).  America needs to show the world that a country can successfully shift to alternate fuel sources and make money in the process.  The liberal pluralists and eco-terrorists of the world don’t understand that by destroying ourselves, it won’t stop the rest of the world from polluting.

The Crank keeps implying that the Tea Party and I have a lot of similar complaints.  This may be true, but, on their current trajectory, the Tea Party will only succeed in returning Republicans to office in the mid-terms and beyond.  All the cheerleaders, for the right and left, are embarrassments at this point.  Olbermann on MSNBC talked about the culture of corruption when the Republicans were in charge, and rightly so, and now Hannity is talking about the culture of corruption on the left, and rightly so.  But to say it’s an individual aisle side issue (IASI) is staggering in 2010.  Throw the bums out should have a much broader meaning in the 21^st century.  You can not limit corruption and stupidity to one side of the aisle at this point, unless you are corrupt and stupid.  Ooops, some name calling again.  I mean, Neuronically deficient.

 You know what we should do?  Kick all of those Dems out of office and get some GOP folks back in there.  My ass hasn’t stopped hurting yet since the last time the republicans were in orifice…but this time is going to be different, baby.  Apparently, it takes an average of seven times to leave an abusive relationship—unless we’re talking about political parties, in which case, add some zeros. 

I can see their campaign slogans now:  This time things are going to be different, honey.  Honest.  Vote R in the mid-terms.

It’s time for the Transcosmetic Party!  It’s time to embrace reason, or at least take reason out for a movie and some ice cream.  I hope reason isn’t wearing one of those difficult bra clasps. God, I hate those.  I still have nightmares…

To fully grasp this brewing global conflict, we need to understand the main players and their perspectives.  Despite popular belief, there are valid perspectives and decidedly less than valid perspectives.  This may not be politically correct, but it happens to be true.  Many liberals continue to labor from the misapprehension that all perspectives are equal, but there is such a thing as wrong and wronger.  For example, Bush (wrong) Osama Bin Laden (wronger).  Israeli occupation and sanctions (wrong), Palestinian suicide bombers (wronger). Christian Fundamentalism (wrong), Islamic Fundamentalism (wronger), Police Academy I (wrong), all the other Police Academy movies (wronger).

With Iran poised to become a nuclear power and Al-Qaeda alive and well, has the long-feared clash between Muslims and Christians become inevitable?  Perhaps more importantly, is there a way to enter those pearly gates and all those afterlife virgins?   For the round up, let’s start with Islamic Extremists.  Frankly, it’s not worth discussing this bunch.  Arrest them or kill them; those are the only two choices.  Such intolerant views invariably spring up from what some sociologists call a ‘fear of annihilation.’  Many across the world, especially Al-Qaeda, believe that Modern Liberal Thinking, M.L.T. (hold the Bono), ultimately threatens their very existence. 

Teabag Party anyone?

If you think about the fundamentals of intolerance, it’s amazing how much Al-Qaeda has in common with Ann Coulter.  Both start with the letter A.  But wait… there’s more.  The connection between these two deepens with the discovery of computer-generated equidistant number sequencing (CGENS).  By running skip patterns through the Hebrew Bible, strange political messages surface:

A L Q A E D A N N K C E D O M I N A T R I X U N L Y T G E R

These words, or arrays, are encoded in Leviticus 11:1-15:33. The reason Kenny G appears so often in the Bible remains a mystery.

Extremists’ fear of liberalism is ironic, since liberal pluralists tend to be the strongest defenders of these groups.  That’s why some liberals end up Al-Qaeda sympathizers.  Listening to these neo-hippies rant about American imperialism makes me want to fatwa a Starbucks.  Even if you assume the U.S. is ‘the Great Satan’ than Sharia Law is still the ‘Greater Satan.’  Try moving into Taliban held territory with a Danish cartoonist some time.  That was the worst summer ever.

Next stop we have Christian Fundamentalists, fueling Islam’s hatred for over two-thousand years. Fact: we need this group almost as much as we need the terrorists.  They are both flip-sides of the same fatalistic coin.  These are the ‘torture for Jesus’ people.  If we transplant this group to the Middle East, in a few years they’ll be learning how to fly, but not land, airplanes.  Some examples would be the late Jerry Falwell, George W. Bush, and John Denver.

Is it still too soon for a John Denver joke?

Operating from a mostly egocentric perspective, the U.S. Government should acknowledge the fact that our policies are often self-serving and reckless.  We never should have stationed troops amidst holy Islamic sites, and in the long run we should limit or eliminate all Middle East bases—unless you have a thing for shrapnel.  Not any time soon, mind you, we might have to beat them up some more.  On the plus side, the U.S. has the ability to course correct and is not driven by a single ideology.

Enters Moderate Islam.  You are the key players in this whole passion play.  Sadly, the hawkish-right still thinks they are the key players.  They have the near delusional sense they can control a third of the world militarily.  “Drop some bombs and those towel heads will scatter.”  Good luck with that.  I’ll tell you what…you can start to invade all of the other Muslim countries, Tex, just as soon as you finish fixing the first two.  As for moderate Islam, this conflict would be a whole lot easier if you’d reel in your more fanatical brothers and stop allowing hatred to be taught in your schools.  That’s what cable is for.  But I do understand your reluctance to help…it’s tough to voice your ideals without a head. Thankfully, there are signs of life in this moderate Muslim movement (MMM). And this movement has strengthened under Obama.  These brave souls should be nurtured, encouraged, protected, and maybe even occasionally covered by the press once in a while.  

If Democrats hope to maintain power, they must restore balance, integrity, and the four day workweek.  Don’t worry Scroogian capitalists, this will effectively put an end to casual Friday.  Fair trade, right?

Oh, wait, you were against that too.

Back to the Liberal Pluralists…you know, those people rationalizing Islamic extremism while sipping their mocha double-latte chinos.  ‘We brought this on ourselves,’ they’ll whine, or, ‘the fundamentalist Islamic perspective is just as valid as our own.’ These folks actually believe Iran wants to enrich uranium for their energy needs.  Hah!

Some good examples from this group are Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donnell, and Glenn Beck (OK, that was simply done to annoy the patriotards).

Why not pour your grande mocha double latte chinos onto your own crotches [pour coffee now]. 

Excellent. 

There is such a thing as wrong and wronger.  Now reread the first paragraph of this article and get a life.  If liberals would figure out this one simple trick, they wouldn’t be such fodder for the Hannity’s of the world. 

Western thought is rooted in principles that have stimulated a much higher level of cultural consciousness than Islam.  The truth may hurt, folks, but considerably less than an IED.  Bill Maher has described the brunt of Islamic consciousness as still in the dark ages, and, if you can’t believe comedians these days, who can you believe?  Too much of Islam is based on a tribal ideology, wherein nations should be fought until, as the Koran dictates, ‘they embrace Islam.’ Of course, there’s always the standard New York rebuttal, ‘embrace dis,’ which is usually accompanied by an inappropriate cupping gesture.  

Sorry, mocha chino boy, even with all of Bush’s flawed ‘strategery’ it doesn’t put him on the same level as Al-Qaeda.  For example, the U.S. clearly attempts to spare civilian lives.  The Muslim and Palestinian extremists, on the other hand, go out of their way to kill indiscriminately.  Oh, and if Al-Qaeda is looking for a soft target, we will refrain from any and all non-integral comments involving Limbaugh’s ass (just for today). 

We must integrate the truths of all systems of knowledge, and then transcend diverse fields into a still higher integration—like the Borg.

A note for the moderate theologians, integralists, and other sane types: you are the only breath of fresh air in this Stewartanian Mess-o-potamia: we must mobilize, mobilize, mobilize!  M is for mobile (F. Burns, 1976).  It’s time for moderate voices to be heard!  It’s time for extreme moderates, raging moderates, plum mad-dog-mean moderates, maniacal baby-mangling macho moderates…the kind of moderates that will resort to scathing blogs, terse letters to the editor, and late night C-Span prank calls!  AKA, it’s time for a Transcosmetic Party!

After all is said and done, who do you think is more disgusted with their own extreme followers, Jesus or Mohammed?  I imagine that somewhere, right now, they’re smoking some fat stogies in paradise (Cuban, no doubt.  Heaven lifted the boycott ages ago).  And, yes, Christ smokes, but only to piss off the Mormons.  Both of these great prophets are probably planning how, next time, they’re going to need to include clearer visual aids with their teachings, some PowerPoint presentations, and maybe even some enlightening scratch-and-sniff.