Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Libya: Two Special Comments, Three Special Swear Words

by Mick Zano • March 24, 2011

My first beef is with the Community Organizer & King who decided to listen to Hillary I-was-just-starting-to-like-her Clinton instead of Robert nailed-it-as-Secretary-of Defense Gates (but keep in mind, even Rommel would look good after Rumsfeld). Obama probably thought: hell, the Clintons want action in Libya and so does McCain. So we need to act… Normally this would be logical, but what in the last decade has been normal? Certainly not my blood pressure.

What I saw of CNN’s coverage of Libya was responsible. The questions ranged from: what role will we play to on whose authority have we taken action in the first place? As of now, my understanding, which jives with CNN’s, is we are bombing some sites in Libya to enforce the UN resolution for a no fly zone…that’s it (at least as of 3/20). Then I turn to my favorite source for misinformation, and this Justice Janine lady—kooky even by Fox standards—is discussing the situation with some neocon hawks (oh shock). They’re talking about joining forces with the rebels and killing Kaddafi. Yes, Judge Judy, or whatever the hell her name is, was calling for the death of Kaddafi. Now, I admit this thought crossed my mind as well, it sure crossed Reagan’s, but according to Fox News that’s what we are trying to do, already, today, as U.S. policy. The mission—in their increasingly delusional world view—is to join forces with the rebels and kill Kaddafi. Sure that might happen, but it’s not the mission today.

And why are they all so gung ho to make foreign mistake blunder #3 anyway? Are they crazier than I thought? Oh, that’s right, wars don’t impact deficits.

And the French are leading the attack! Unacceptable! We need to be doing all the world’s army stuff, dammit. We’re Americans (with an armed service paid for by China). It’s our job to undo whatever Obama has done to quell WWIII. We need to fire up all that anti-Arab sentiment again, or else we don’t feel safe. Let’s be clear, Obama did something arguably stupid, but that never stops the right from wanting to double down on that stupid. They stick to the script.

To justify this action in Libya, without a congressional vote, Obama said he cannot stand by when a brutal dictator attacks his own people, or some such.

OK, when you get done attacking, taking over, occupying, and reconstructing the other several dozen countries that also meet that criteria…um, what will our budget look like then? I had a similar question for Bush during Shock & Awe. If we do this alphabetically, by the time we get to Yemen, the United States will be Somalia. Hey, wait a minute, I always wanted to be a pirate! This is going to be awesome!

Wait, I know how we’ll pay for this; Republicans are currently cutting a program that feeds homeless Veterans. Yep, that oughtta do it. As usual, they only see half the picture, but at this point their picture is an image of the world so distorted even Hunter S. Thompson can’t make heads or tails of it.

Now, as soon as Obama took action, you could see all of the Foxeteers start back peddling. They call him a wuss, pressure him into action, and then start immediately questioning that action once he initiates it. Patriots, not that different from pirates these days.

Wait, back to Fox…some sort of apology is in order. Judge Justice just figured it all out. Her guest, some McFarland lady, a National Security Analyst, is explaining our actual role in Libya. She explained that we’re not trying to kill Kaddafi today. Whew! Save, and a beauty, and just in the nick of time too; her show is nearly over. I still blame those two military personnel for not setting her straight during that last segment. Normally I only watch Fox in short shifts, like those Fukushima engineers on reactor duty, but today, feeling somewhat masochistic, I watched this whole frigging show. Ask your doctor if Atenelol is right for you.

A Special Comment to King Obama:

When we are not being directly attacked, and you need to figure out the best course of action, dawdle away, pal. Take as long as you need. Just because the right equates any pause to weakness doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think things through. Republicans are trying desperately to kill: people, our budget, and your credibility. Oh, and they just love any excuse to increase our defense budget (you know, for when 50% of the world’s defense spending just isn’t enough).

Thanks to W, you have been given the ability—and apparently the right—to go to war however wherever and whenever you want, without anyone else’s approval. That’s fine. I have already come to terms with this fact because I, unlike most of my fellow Americans, have been paying attention. But you need to stop listening to the stupid. I have much, much, much more confidence in Robert Gates than I do Hillary Clinton on matters of defense. Defense is in his friggin’ title, Sunshine. You needed to listen to him on this one. Oh, and if Rush Limbaugh and his Tard Army are on board, that’s a pretty big clue you’re barking up the wrong occupation. To put it in perspective, it’s a Colonel-Mustard-in-the-dining-room-with-the-lead-pipe kind of clue. On that note, besides budgetary issues, if you did the opposite of whatever the Limbaugh Nation is suggesting, you’re probably good.

The right prefers to rush to Limbaugh…sorry, I mean rush to war, invade the wrong country, and generally fuck things up. It’s their way. Bush was decisively wrong on just about everything he ever did. A real American. And the same idiots who backed him are now pressuring you into making the same poor decisions. Unlike some, I do not think this is the worst decision you have ever made in office—brown and taupe for the oval office! Really? But your level of engagement on this little project is crucial. It may become your worst decision if we get mired in Middle Eastern country number three, so take a deep breath…and then change those damn curtains.

Listen to Robert Gates, Mr. Community Organizer. As a community organizer myself, I would listen to him on defense issues. Sure, I too can raise money for mental health awareness during a bake sale like no one’s business, but I think I’d leave the whole war plan thingie to the military guy. Gates is, perhaps, the best decision you ever made…but taupe? Dude! It’s so close to beige you can smell it.

Oh, and always listen to what Christopher Hitchens has to say; he should be an adviser, or if nothing else a regular read. He’s like Fox News minus the stupid. With Hitchens, you will get the best case for action on any hawkish foreign policy decision. When I read a Hitch article over on Slate Magazine, I’m ready the nuke the fucking Amish.

As for the rest on the right wing, drown them out. Anyone on Fox or any Republican candidate has been cognitively compromised long ago.

They have the right to be uninformed, but, as president, you don’t have to listen to them. If left to the Foxeteers, Congress wouldn’t have to vote for war either…it would be a popularity contest. By a show of hands, who would like to bomb Syria? And the answer would invariably be “let’s bomb anyone we deem scary” or the Juan Williams Effect (JWE). JWE…an acronym bordering on anti-Semitism. Kidding, Juan! It’s anti-Semitic.

Listen to the right if you must, but don’t let them cloud your judgment. Do what you think is right…er, unless it’s war, in which case Congress is supposed to have a say (you know, back in the days when we had a Constitution).

And please, nothing else in the beige family.

A Special Comment to the Patriotards:

We could not lead the action in Libya primarily because we still have little to no credibility on the world stage—mostly due to YOUR voting records! Second, it’s debatable whether we should have acted at ALL. Not to mention the fact, we’re all still recovering from our last imperial president’s actions. If you remain this uninformed on foreign policy, stop voicing your opinion all together. Keep it to yourself! Think about it like this, it’s not your opinion anyway, so what are you really losing?

by Mick Zano • March 14, 2011

Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

For his latest exploits, Charlie started Sheen’s Korner, a new online extravaganza, complete with fart noises and endless “duhs.”

“No wonder the Discord doesn’t have his kind of audience. It’s Brilliant!” said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. “We need to make better use of the whole fart noise genre. There’s a whole bowel of untapped potential in that area.”

Sheen told his audience, “Check it, you’ve been warned . . . a violent torpedo of truth—love or hate—do the math!”

Never truer words were spoken, which is of course a fabrication. Everyone from the journalist, to the talk show host, to the resident expert is predicting his demise—which would normally be a safe bet.

“This is like all my other clients; his story is their story,” I heard someone say.

Ahhh, none of your clients probably have millions of dollars to fall back on and over a million Twitter followers. Besides, none of them are quite as entertaining as this larger-than-life spiral into the abyss. Sure we find delusions of grandeur and manic narcissism, but there are porn stars in his house…with him…right now. Half the country thinks that’s wicked cool (I’m talking about the male part, of course), even if some of them won’t admit it.

The Ghetto Shaman has commented on this Envious Sheen Phenomenon (ESP) and he believes Charlie needs to switch to hallucinogens (and has apparently already mailed him some). The Shaman believes Charlie needs to focus on his inner crazy and join him on his next Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise.

What the Shaman and the Zano do agree on is this: Sheen is opting for a third way. He’s channeling those thoughts in his head into some epic yes!, some eternal embrace of not only life, but something infinitely more important: sex, drugs, and transgender prostitutes. Oh, wait, that’s Murphy.

I am not a party goer, he is saying I am party. He’s talking about Plato’s party, like he’s some archetypal avant-garde astronaut (AAGA). You can use that one Charlie. You’re welcome.

“People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.”

This is exactly what many geniuses and spiritual gurus might claim as they raise the frequency of their soul to harness those higher realms or spiritual energies. After all, there is a thin line between madness and genius—and Charlie Sheen has obviously tripped over that line in a drunken stupor. There’s a raw naked truth in what’s happening to him. There’s a message there and the message may seem garbled, but he represents us, right now, in the USA, 2011—as Frodo tells us, “Here, at the end of all things.”

Psychology and the realms of substance abuse treatment are of a single voice on this score:

You’re wrong again, Zano.

Sincerely,

The American Psychological Association

P.S. Oh, and please stop sending us your bar napkin, drunken thesis!

See? Don’t worry, they always send me that—it’s a form letter. Here’s why many argue madness is a very different thing from genius:

“Even acknowledged creative geniuses find that endurance must follow intuition. Einstein’s ideas were not worked out in a day. It takes a great deal of discipline, and often many bouts of trial and error, to work out an idea. Follow-through is critical to the realization of an idea. Discipline is not a hallmark of minds in the throes of emotional distress.”

—Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today

Yeah, but you’re forgetting the fart noise…it’s such an untapped medium. And I’m sure Sheen gets discipline, probably with leather involved. What about Vincent “Ear Today Gone Tomorrow” Van Gogh? What about Jack “Bleeding Ulcers” Kerouac? What about the Discord’s own Mad-Dog mystic the Ghetto Shaman?

There’s supposedly a gene DARRP-32 that proves a link between madness and genius—a gene that actually enhances thought processing and creativity. This gene is even supposedly linked to schizophrenia, but I’m confused…schizophrenics typically have less activity in their frontal lobes, and an over activation in the dopamingeric system. Isn’t it cool that I know that? Not nearly as f-ing cool as fart noises. Damn you, Sheen, and your trend-setting flatulence!

Sheen seems to be channeling his manic madness and I’ve sheen this done effectively before in both my personal and my professional life. Of course, he clearly has some things working against him. Sure, prolonged sleep deprivation and enough speed to give King Kong the jitters can negatively impact the human brain—eventually irreparably—but what if this channeled madness taps into something profound? I say he’s effectively riding this mongo mojo, baby, or put more righteously:

“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

How can you argue with that? No really, what does it mean? As for the drugs, if he has stopped, as he claims, we would expect some post acute withdrawal. Typically flavored with some depression, anxiety, maybe some insomnia as his brain adapts to life without whatever substances his brain has grown accustomed to. Such a cleanup period is not likely to be filled with excited Twitter feeds—unless someone finds bedridden, suicidal jags hilarious. Think of it as a prolonged hangover, or what I call my “undergraduate studies.” Now, if he keeps up his Life in the Fast Lane ways, we would expect to see a real decline in his mental health to the point of more CPS and police involvement.

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a rock star from Mars.”

The Ghetto Shaman may be suing him for plagiarism on that one, but clearly some “madmen” are tapping into the something other and can no longer translate what’s happening to the sorry Muggles they’ve left behind. He’s excited about something, but he is, as yet, unable to accurately convey his message to the rest of mankind. He’s like the Buddha…on meth.

All farting aside, there are many regressive themes in Sheen’s current predicament. The common drug addict de-evolves overtime, but much of the negative behaviors associated with drug use involve activities to support the habit. Sheen has no need to mug you in an alley, so his descent is quite different than most…for the moment.

Typically addicts, like schizophrenics, tend to have less prefrontal activity, as the mesolimbic system, or the reptilian brain (as Bone calls it “the Yig brain”) takes charge. But there are those who feel substances can be harnessed for more divine purposes. Right, Pokey? Not saying I entirely agree, but let’s at least hear what he has to say.

Pththththt

OK, besides that. The worst that can happen is we witness the dangers inherent with extreme drug use and the best that can happen Sheen teaches us something about ourselves, our culture, and our future.

Ptthttttht

Please, I’m trying to be serious here.

by Mick Zano • March 7, 2011

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage. So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is? The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me.

Hey Newt, why don’t you conduct an investigation on yourself instead? You’ll find paranoia, greed, selfishness, and a host of other real American values. Sometimes I think Newt is at the heart of the Neococoon, yet other times and on other issues he seems almost reasonable. He waivers between slightly wrong and Oh my god, this fucker’s nuts. Either he is placating the bat-shit base, or he embraces the stupid himself; neither are forgivable positions. I rarely resort to name calling but in this case, why not? He’s a creep in both his personal and his political life. And he’s a creep with a good shot at the presidency, but only because the field is soooo lousy.

So what is the Republicans case for impeachment? Republicans feel strongly Obama should be removed from office. What are they basing this on? Is avoiding a depression an impeachable offense? Even the Crank has mentioned impeachment, so let’s Google the bitch. One website posts the three recent arguments for impeachment. The first we already covered, Bert and Ernie’s forbidden love. OK, not interested, not impeachable, so moveon.org.

The second “argument” comes from radio talk show host Tammy Bruce. I could only read the first sentence from this riveting story. Sorry, I have acid reflux.

Though I was unable to complete the first sentence in its entirety, I was captivated for the first six to ten words. Here’s the first sentence as covered by Ben Johnson:

A nationally syndicated radio talk show host has called for Barack Obama to be impeached if he is secretly pushing Egypt to become an Islamist country ruled by the Muslim Brotherhood.

Listen, Tammy, I know behavioral health professionals who can diagnose and medicate your condition.

Here’s the third and final “argument” from impeachObamaCampaign.com:

Since this third argument is so compelling, I covered the whole piece and added my own comments for fun:

Impeachment Dude: What if we elect a Republican House and Senate and they don’t challenge Barack Obama on every front?

Zano: So you’re challenging our recovery on every front…great.

Impeachment Dude: I see victory within reach…

Zano: …and hopefully Thorazine.

Impeachment Dude: I know the freshmen class of Republican House and Senate members in January will be freedom fighters!

Zano: Sounds a little Bert & Ernie to me.

Impeachment Dude: But what of the Republican leftovers?

Zano: Goulash?

Impeachment Dude: Will they stand in the way of a real revolution in Congress next year?

Zano: Yes, a real revolution by real Americans, or as Mel Brooks calls them “the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.”

Impeachment Dude: (shortened for sanity’s sake) Dear Mr. Issa: This isn’t about “process.” It’s about the Constitution. It’s not just about Obama “misusing” authority. It’s about Obama exceeding his constitutional authority. Is there any doubt about that?

Zano: Examples would be swell.

Impeachment Dude: I heard this nonsense back during the Clinton administration, too.

Zano: You mean, the guy who balanced the budget?

Impeachment Dude: But the abuse of power exercised by Obama makes the Clinton administration look like the George Washington administration by comparison.

Zano: In your deranged world view, sir, how did you manage to skip over Bush and Cheney’s expansion of executive power? Two words: Fox News.

Impeachment Dude: The future of our nation is at stake. The survival of our nation is at stake.

Zano: Yep, now if only you knew why.

Impeachment Dude: This is no time for playing paddy-cake with Obama.

Zano: True, but is hopscotch out of the question? All childhood games should be on the table! Well, with the exception of hopscotch, which should be on the sidewalk.

Impeachment Dude: That’s not what the anticipated electoral revolution of 2010 is about.

Zano: Yeah, it’s about misinformation.

Impeachment Dude: It’s about time Republicans in Congress start thinking about the Constitution and returning the rule of law to America.

Zano: …an example is coming, I can feel it.

Impeachment Dude: We’re at a crossroads, and there is no margin for error.

Zano: No gun metaphor? What’s wrong, little camper? Besides, 2003 was the crossroads; we’re now more like in the traffic circle. Look, kids, Big Ben, Parliament!

Impeachment Dude: Obama must be challenged on every front – even if we don’t win every battle. It’s time to go on offense.

Zano: Battle, now that’s more like it.

Impeachment Dude: We won’t get a second chance this time.

Zano: Talk to your parole officer. I’m sure the community will embrace you if you pay your dues to society.

Impeachment Dude: Obama should be impeached!

Read the entire compelling argument without my commentary here.

Whew. They build quite a case for impeachment. Actually, as usual, they build quite a case for psychotropic medication. Remember, these are the same people who support the Patriot Act because they’re so patriotic. Much of this, I am guessing, is about the healthcare debate. Oh, the horror. How dare someone address the out of control healthcare costs for our 37^th ranked system. I have a rather lengthy list of actual impeachable offenses for our last president—ones based on something we independent thinkers like to call “reality.”

In their defense, I really do think there are huge abuses going on but let’s not forget, for the most part, these were created by the last administration. Just a hint of understanding on how we got here would be swell. To summarize, if your “revolution” involves electing anyone else named Bush, you’ve missed ALL of the main points of the last decade.

You know what scares me more than Obama? Forty-percent of our society suffering from a diagnosable collective delusional disorder. There are real reasons for a revolution, but how can we sift through this nonsense and get to matters of substance when the current debate has been hijacked by morons? At this point, we can’t.

by Mick Zano • February 28, 2011

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries. No easy trick. His new budget reduction attempt is a joke. I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan. This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment. Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore; damn.

Capitalism is sick. It’s devouring itself like an Ouroboro on meth. Our country is unsustainable in its present form, but no one wants to hear that. But sorry heartland peeps, there’s no global law guaranteeing American dominance and supremacy. Hard decisions needed to be made to shift our economy toward a more eco friendly and sustainable one…back in the 70s! Epic fail. We chose the road we always choose, avoid the pain, and roll those dice one more time. Oh, and that strategy worked so well for me in Vegas last week.

Yes, both D and R are responsible. Granted, when R is in charge, the slide is always more pronounced—always has been. Speaking of the neococoon watch, how did they manage to turn Reagan into Lincoln in their spare time? He’s the model Republicans want to follow? The guy who created so much debt in eight years, he had to break Republican rule number one and raise taxes? Reaganomics didn’t even work for Reagan, morons! Yeah…I want some more of that magic. You know why you won’t hear that on Fox News? …If you really need me to answer that, it’s already too late. Oh, and I have two words for you Sean Hannity: Iran Contra. Oh, that’s right the truth doesn’t matter. So, I guess Reagan is Lincoln and W. will be the next Kennedy.

The Right clings to this delusional vision of some idyllic version of capitalism, set somewhere in the 50’s—a time when real America thrived. You know, when we didn’t know how devastating our actions were to other cultures and to our own environment. ¯Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days! Wednesday, Thursday, Cap & Trade!¯ Sorry, had to work that in. Did I ‘jump the shark’ with that one?

If history is any judge, Democrats are not prepared to make the necessary budget cuts and Republicans are not likely to make the right ones. I think at this point, there’s little hope of avoiding the toppling of the American dollar and the hyperinflation to follow. I only gave my father financial advice twice in my life, the first was six months before the collapse in ‘08, and the second was last week. The same message both times: international commodities, dude.

I wonder if Obama knows what’s going to happen. I got the sense when he came into office he had no idea the depth of this crisis. Few people did. Everyone suffers from what psychologists call the normalcy bias. It can’t happen here, right? This is America. Besides, nonsensical positive feedback is inexplicably tied to a recovering stock market. There’s nothing to see here, folks, so buy shit!

Nothing is healthy about our system and little is healthy about our way of life. I was talking to a family member after the ‘08 financial meltdown and, she said, “Stock markets go down, stock markets go back up.” As it turned out, she was right…er, sort of. But the bigger picture is a continued decline, and soon all the ponzi schemes in the world aren’t going to be able to put Humpty DOWty back together again.

I’ve always wanted the Right to pull their heads out of their arses, that has always been my message, but they just keep focusing on the shiny ball. It’s a collective ADHD that impacts their credibility and their inability to focus on what really matters. The world ends while they’re rambling on about so-called ground zero mosques, ACORN, and birth certificates—all the while our way of life slips into the abyss. If you are a Foxeteer, you might remember ACORN as the 3^rd biggest story of our time for many months. I will use the evils of math here: if you were right about the dangers of ACORN, it was .00000001% of our problem, but, as it turns out, most of that .00000001% was bullshit.

There’s a dysfunctional cycle on the right where the grassroots gets rightly fed up with various government abuses, the nation’s shaky fiscal footing, and other matters of substance… but then rather than supporting and embracing champions who are forcefully fighting those things, they get distracted by Andrew Breitbart style circus acts. As a result, the USA is at less risk than ever before of pimps being assisted by left-leaning nonprofits. What an achievement!

—Andrew Sullivan, the Daily Dish

Back to the budget: Republicans will take an axe to the budget, hurting real people and costing us more money in the long run. Watch Arizona to see how well that strategy works out. Meanwhile, Democrats will not use any axe, they will instead use a toothpick, even in the face of the dollar’s complete and utter collapse.

AZ’s governor, Jan Brewer, has said things I can’t believe any adult would say. Ok, I’m kidding myself, she’s a typical Republican.

She said, “Our emergency rooms will handle the overflow as we dismantle our behavioral health system,” or some such.

Anyone who works at a hospital, or has ever been to a hospital, would beg to differ. The mentally ill she’s condemning will cost us more clogging up our hospitals and our jails. Increased security measures cost money too, dipshit. Yep, it’s hard to believe, but a surgeon’s time and a police officer’s time costs more than a case manager’s. Shocking, I know…math again, terrible stuff.

Meanwhile, Obama said he had to make some “deep cuts” for his budget proposal. Give me a break. He won’t touch Medicaid/Medicare but he would love to get his hands on the defense budget, and the other side is the exact opposite. You can find budget cuts everywhere—in every corner of Americana. I will gladly review the money we can save on Medicare—yes, I’m funded by that. Only cutting discretionary spending isn’t the answer, but gutting vital services won’t be the answer either.

There are no heroes! Pox on both your budgets! Can’t we find some Goldilocks who’s just right? Speaking of which, Goldi…ahh, don’t email my yahoo account anymore. My wife checks that.

Anyone ever heard of a third way? You know, the ones I’ve been suggesting on the Discord regularly? Time to join the Transcosmetic Party, folks. The rest of you are sounding increasingly ridiculous—no easy feat, considering where you started.

by Mick Zano • February 21, 2011

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering. Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem? America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan. She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again.

So it’s time for another patriotard reality check. Nationalism has its place, but not when it becomes a liability. Liberals are always painted as un-American and there’s certainly some truth to this statement. Although I don’t categorize myself as a liberal, I do feel the need to come to the aid of those less-than-enthusiastic citizens among us. I think trying to hold this country to a higher standard is far more patriotic than the endless cover-ups over at The Weekly Standard. It’s not un-American to simply point out the fact: hey, we’re really starting to suck. I think Christine Aguilera can work that into our anthem; she may have already.

What exactly is real America still so jazzed about? Is it the vulturistic feeding frenzy that passes as good business these days? I know, I know, you like capitalism so much you need to receive telemarketing calls 24/7, right? I love spam on my computer, at home, at the office, on the street, on the frigging fax machine…I can’t get enough of the stuff. Oh, and I sent that 25 bucks to that royal prince who couldn’t access his overseas account, and what did I get? Bupkis! Damned royal princes.

So you like the ponzi scheme our economy has become over the last few decades? “The only thing that works is a free market,” said the mogul to the moron. Even Glenn where’s-my-Zyprexa Beck agrees our economy is a ponzi scheme. Are you proud of the fact the dollar died in November of 2008 and our President, a reasonably intelligent person, either isn’t telling us the truth or hasn’t figured that out? Are you proud of the last throes of the U.S. dollar? A currency that has no actual value anymore in this dimensional plane of existence? Wait until it’s no longer the world currency…that’ll be a hoot.

Do you like how much influence and power lawyers have these days? How TORT reform is only addressed by those not in power? Don’t worry, that next group’ll fix those legal eagles, fer sure.

This is a fun fact: more people die of doctors than guns these days. Oh, I know what you’re so proud of: the fact the U.S. is 21^st in literacy, and dropping…or how about 29^th in infant mortality? And how did the WHO manage to rank the #1 healthcare system in the world 37^th? What does Roger Daltry know about medicine anyhow? He just hopes he dies before he ge-ge-ge-gets old.

How about this gem: our species is designed to improve upon itself, yet, for the first time, America has actually become dumber in recent years, despite this evolutionary impulse. Did you swell with pride reading that one? Something swelled for me too, but it might just be because I’m writing this post in a vegan joint and I’m the only dude here. Humanahumana-hummus.

Do you love a country that insists on John McCain’s tax cuts so he can buy his ninth house while his state attempts to cut off half its Medicaid recipients? Build that fence high, John. Not the one on the border, the one around your house.

Are you proud of the fact that 40% of our population is still ready and willing to vote-in a person so grossly under qualified, she should not even head a PTA meeting, let alone a country? Yeah, I’m talking to you, Snooki.

Or are you more proud of the fact we can’t trust the vast majority of our lawyers, our bankers, our brokers, our politicians? You know what I think it is? It’s the complete illegitimacy of our media, that’s it! Facts aren’t really facts anymore, data can be bent to absurdity, and nothing is even mentioned unless it supports some ideology or another. I should start a blog. I can prove anything now! Comedian Jon Stewart was recently ranked the most trusted journalist on the left and, I’m sure the right will find someone equally trustworthy, someday. Dennis Miller?

Are you proud of the fact that the only group who covers up more rapes than our armed forces is our churches? Are you proud of our reality television personalities? Are you proud of the fact Gerber products contain high amounts of high fructose corn syrup? Largest waistlines in the world? How did that happen? Hmmm.

Are you proud that pharmaceutical research is geared toward endless symptom relief, not any genuine cures? Are you proud of 100 years of psychotherapy and the world keeps getting sicker? Yep, my field sucks too, but probably not as much as yours.

Are you proud that we’re not willing to change our lifestyles to save our environment (hint: it’s going to change drastically anyway). And, yes, you can take that both ways: economy and environment.

Or is it that we dismantled the Bill of Rights and chose to embrace torture to defend our “principles”? On a related note, are you proud that our former president can’t travel abroad because he’s deemed a war criminal? Oh, you can omit deemed, he’s an f-ing war criminal.

Are you proud that our way of life is subsidized by the continued exploitation of third world countries?

I tease America out of love. There is lot of good in America, despite America…but sorry, those paying attention can see just how bad things have gotten in the last decade. In fact, I was pointing it out long before most of my colleagues, who seem to have all the answers now. Does this make me un-American? I always mention 2003, that was really the beginning of the end for America. You’ll never see what the Iraq War cost us on any graph over in the Fox lands. It’s been effectively erased from all graphs and pie charts. I felt pretty darn un-American for protesting on Shock & Awe day. I had never been jeered at and had things hurled at me out of car windows before—well, not sober.

And I have to say, I understand Michelle Obama’s “First time I was proud of America” moment a lot more than I understand Rumsfeld saying yesterday on Fox “I don’t think America has anything to apologize for.” You don’t remember Abu Ghraib, Sunshine? I think I’m sorry…for you. Likewise, I feel Michael Moore’s somewhat exaggerated attack on capitalism is closer to the mark than the Fox Business News version. And, yes, I’ll take the Colbert Nation over Hannity’s America every time. Does that make me a liberal? Sorry, I think that makes me observant.

by Mick Zano • February 14, 2011

Las Vegas, NV–What’s better on Valentine’s Day than some old football coverage?! Somehow I am back in Vegas for the third time already in 2011, which is three more reasons Bald Tony is considering relocating. I am back at the Riviera covering this Super Game, knowing little about football and even less about roman numerals.

Why am I here, you ask? Well, Tony keeps getting free shit and when he gets free shit, he knows that’s my price. If you read Tony’s article on pizza last week, he mentioned I took this meditation detox challenge thingie…uhh, then he gets three more nights at the Riviera, free booze and food at a Super Game party, and, lo and behold, I fumble the detox challenge. Come to think of it, I don’t believe the detox gods were ever on my side, now Dionysius and Bacchus, those cats have my back (now if only they had my liver).

When Winslow heard we would be at the Super Game party at the Riviera, he insisted one of us cover the event. The bastard. I actually feel other sports are for people who don’t play hockey, but Mr. Winslow can be persuasive…in a Sith Lord kind of way.

2:10 PST – Prior to the big game, Bill O’Reilly interviewed Barak Obama. I had no idea football fans were so informed. I couldn’t hear one word over the rabble at the Queen Victoria Pub, but I’m sure it was fair and balanced.

2:16 PST – It’s time to finish our pints and head to the event. Tony decided to mess with me almost immediately. He vowed not to help me understand the game in any way. The bastard. He won’t even tell me who’s playing. The cheese-headed people wandering about lead to me believe there is a Wisconsin team involved and I thought the other team was the Dallas Cowboys …maybe because the game is being held in Dallas?! But I’m beginning to question this conclusion with all the Steelers fans milling about (have I mentioned I hate football?).

2:22 PST – My pint of liquid coverage is down. It is time to drop off the laptop in the hotel room, grab the old fashioned paper and pen, and report to the Grande Ballroom for the first pitch.

God would want us to cover this important game

2:26 PST – Neither Tony or I have any paper or any writing implements of any kind. So Bald Tony opts to take some pages out of the hotel Bible.

2:34 PST – Pens were obtained even more heretically and then back downstairs and over to the event. The line to enter the Grande Ballroom is long. I’m losing my buzz. Somewhere Jim Morrison is singing your ballroom days are over, baby.

3:23 PST – Did she sing “twilight’s last reaming?” Hmmm. In retrospect it would have been better to live tweet this bitch.

3:31 PST – Announcer states, Packers v Steelers, as if you needed another reminder. OK, so it’s the Packers v the Steelers. Now we’re getting somewhere.

3:35 PST – Thank god the game started, the buffet line is finally clearing.

4:25 PST – At critical point in the action I called fellow Discordian, and avid Steeler fan, Dave Atsals, and told him, “Stop everything you’re doing! I need a picture of Michele Bachman with a penis on her head for an article that posts tomorrow!” Heh, heh.

4:26 PST – People in the immediate vicinity seem perplexed why I shouted “penis on Michele Bachman’s head” into my cell phone.

4:47 PST – Beware of free invitations. Here’s my view during the 7th inning stretch.

4:55 PST – Something just happened. No more guacamole at the bean dip bar!

5:00 PST – Discovered something important and switched from Bud Light from the server to rum and cokes over at the bar.

5:15 PST – Something is happening in the game, but I just tried to use the stirrer as a straw. No liquid has emerged despite my best efforts.

????? – In the end the team with the yellow pants won.

????? – Some minor damages back in the hotel room. Don’t tell Tony…

The next day it was tough to figure out this picture. Not sure, exactly. It was either part of the half time show, or there was something in the bean dip that shouldn’t have been.

by Mick Zano • February 3, 2011

I never much cared for the top ten type list thingies, of course, on a related note, Humor Links.com has The Discord handily beating The Onion, but, then again, only eight people voted this month and seven of them were me. This post is critical of RockSong.com’s top 500 classic rock songs of all time. Just to set the record straight, I only pointed out the things that reeeaallly pissed me off…

There was only one pre-established rule for this little jaunt into the world of rock & roll, I tried to leave The Beatles out of it. Granted, I don’t always agree with the Fab Four’s deification, but seeing as how they invented the shit and all… I know, I know, I’m part of the problem—a view shared by professors, bosses, ex-girlfriends, and law enforcement officials throughout my life—but, sorry, The Beatles are the real untouchables, except maybe Ringo. Oh, and I left Phil Collins out as well; I picked on him way too much in this recent gem.

Let’s start out with the thing that jumped out at me first. It involves the band REM. Or is it R.E.M? Are they an acronym? I don’t even know. If they are, I would go with Really Easily Mimicked. My cover band learned how to do Stand in about 15 minutes and we don’t even play instruments. When I saw REM’s Losing My Religion ranked 74 out of 500 (er, that’s #74 out of rocks best of the best), I almost lost my lunch. Oh, that’s me in the corner, alright…I’m puking. It’s the end of the top 500 has we know it, and I don’t really feel fine.

Leonard Bernstein!

Van Halen’s Jump came in it at #64? Will you still be sending me a Valentine? Oh, right, leave The Beatles out of this… But Jump? I think every song on Diamond Dave’s solo album from hell, beats friggin’ Jump! Remember what songs Jump jumped over on this extravaganza: Joe Walsh’s Rocky Mountain Way comes to mind, not to mention almost every Doors song known to man. Really? If David Lee Roth were alive to see this, he would… Oh, sorry Dave.

Paul McCartney Baby I’m Amazed is ranked 70th… Hey, Paul, maybe I’m amazed you can… Oh wait…is he covered under the no fucking with Beatles clause (NFingw/BC)? Hmmm.

Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire made the cut. I know, miscategorized to all get out, but who complains when that song comes on in a bar? It’s about the only country song that deserves to be there! Love is a burning thing…especially with what’ser name. It burns, burns, burns…so I went to the clinic. And as for love, I soon became a cynic. I’m pretty sure those are the lyrics. Holy shit! I am at a bar called Cuvee writing this piece and the guy is playing Ring of Fire live, right now. Technically, I was working ahead of this part but only by a couple of paragraphs.

OK, this next live song is Black Water, a Doobie song, not the movie, which…wait for it, happens to come in at #205. Wow, this is very interactive (well, for me).

The Bee Gees’ Staying Alive came in at #167. Now this one is in the wrong category…AND THERE IS NO REASON IN DISCO, AND ON EARTH, FOR THIS ATROCITY!! Have I mentioned this shit is higher than Rocky Mountain Way?

“I’d like to hear some funky Dixie land, pretty momma gonna take me by the hand.” Oh, and Staying Alive beat this Doobie’s song.

Back to the post. Michael Jackson’s Beat It came in at #156. Admittedly, MJ’s philosophy got me through some dry spells in college, but really? 156???

This might seem like a small point, but Golden Earring’s Radar Love (#71) should not beat their Twilight Zone by this much (#499). Rod Serling is turning over in his grave—well , that might be for other reasons. Mwahahahhaha!

Oh, my god…this dude just lost me. He’s singing Over the F-ing Rainbow. I’m not making this up. I’m going to take a wild stab and say this song is not one of rock & roll’s top 500. I think I’ll save myself the Google search. He just went over the rainbow, alright…not to mention over the cuckoo’s nest. Sure I’ll be singing along with you, dude, after about ten more beers, but only if you’re buying.

I’m not so proud of the fact CCR’s version of Proud Mary checked in at #22. Let’s be clear here, it’s not because I don’t like CCR, frankly, it’s about the only song of theirs I don’t like…and it’s a cover! I have two words for you RockSong.com people, Born on the Bayou (the two little words don’t count).

One of the biggest disappointments in this top ten list thingie is this: over the years, Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb has moved down to #61? Sixty one? Sure Pink isn’t well…after reading that.

OK, this guy playing live hasn’t gotten more than a clap or two for the whole set and everyone is now clapping for some Over the Rainbow. Actually isn’t that verb? It is the way I do it. Well, time to finish my beer. Even when I was a kid I always thought, All Along the Watchtower and Baba O’Reilly beat out Layla and Stairway to Heaven, now they are even further apart—in the wrong direction! This paragraph is further proof of the Flynn Effect. Of course, Stairway came in at number one, as if it’s some unbreakable rule. Again, I love Zep, but come on…

Abba’s Dancing Queen was in there, but I refuse to say where, because each time I think about it a little vomit kicks up into my throat. Mama Mia, alright! Ultimately, my chief complaint comes down to this: where the hell are The Monkees in this R&R soiree?! I am no longer a believer.

by Mick Zano • January 10, 2011

My New Year’s resolution is no more stories about Fox News. Oh, oh, wait, but there’s one more thing… The Crank’s view, as always, suspiciously resembles Fox’s and can be summed up thusly: socialism = bad, cutting spending = good. Very helpful—well, not really—not when this all-or-Fox thinking threatens to block any meaningful fiscal reform. Here’s what we should be taking away from this year in politics: some Advil.

The Economy: In an earlier post I said to watch England. Never trust a country that claims they are really into beer and then has all their pubs close by eleven. They are trying to make up their deficit through 80% spending cuts and 20% tax hikes (a harsh recipe). They are, of course, tearing themselves apart, right on cue (mostly due to the early pub hours).

If you recall, I recommended something around 60/40—AKA, long range progress toward deficit reduction without as many deaths as Republicans are opting for. Originally, I thought conservatives were opting to reduce the deficit through 100% spending cuts, but that’s actually wrong. They strive to be even less realistic about shit. It’s their way. Since we’re borrowing money from China to help people like Richard Branson buy another spaceship, we’re actually looking at more like 105% spending cuts and no tax hikes. Hey, let’s start nation building in Yemen, extend the Bush tax cuts indefinitely for all, and then vote against raising the debt ceiling! …welcome to the 112^th congress.

Sooo, when are you people getting back on your meds?

Long term we can all agree cutting spending is a good thing, and everything should be fair game, but if they start that 105% cutting shit tomorrow we’d be plunged into a depression. Every economist outside of the neococoon understands this. I’m not going to go over why returning to ‘90s level tax cuts for the super rich is necessary in the face of a 14 trillion dollar deficit, but the majority of Americans understand this, and the rest watch Fox.

If you come to Washington on a “just cuts” or a “just tax hikes” platform, you’re perpetuating the stupid. There certainly are libs on the left who haven’t gotten the “we’re broke” message and need to go, but Obama’s Debt Commission put together a deficit proposal that contained both difficult spending cuts as well as some necessary tax hikes…er, like the Mick “I-don’t-know-shit-about-economics” Zano model. And, since I really don’t know shit, the need for me to comment on this subject remains astounding.

Circa 2006 I stopped using my credit card and paid only cash for my booze and hookers. Did my balance disappear? Did my rash disappear? No, I needed to increase my payments to Visa and decrease the spending. And Obamacare better kick-in soon before this rash gets any worse. Meanwhile, Republicans have about a 1% plan to actually cut spending. Ahh, where’s the other 104% coming from…Narnia? Speaking of witch, we should probably pull our troops out of there as well.

Just saying that spending = bad is less than helpful. Sorry, but we’re not dismantling all of our institutions tomorrow. Not hap’nen. Of course, thanks to your due diligence, they may well fall apart of their own accord. Fiscal conservatives will likely block any plausible course corrections until it’s too late, proving the old adage a penny saved is a country burned.

Socialism: Huh? What are you people smoking? If the difference between the haves and the have-nots is reaching record proportions in recent years, Obama must be a pretty lousy socialist. Does socialism mean a shift in wealth toward the rich? Oh, I had no idea you changed the meaning of socialism…I get it. Sorry, but Obama will go down in history as a pragmatist. He could have nationalized our failing banks but chose not to. I think when the Fed begs you to nationalize all of our banks and you refuse, that’s an epic fail for socialism. Obama loaned cash to the auto industry and it worked far better than most imagined and, sorry, but trying to insure more Americans does not make him Karl Marx.

The Tea Party: If all your movement can muster is to rebrand our country’s biggest crooks in the name of freedom, ahhh, good luck with that. You needed to be a new emerging third party choice for America—a group truly distanced from both parties. AKA, you have failed …already. Do I think you will have a huge impact, yes, but will it be positive? I’m going to go out on a limb here…No.

Republicans: They have a two step plan 1.) cause the great recession, and 2.) sabotage the recovery. Great plan. Very patriotic. What annoys me the most about these “patriots” is the fact they continually focus on short-term economic gains, nothing more. That would be OK, I suppose—or not without some merit at this particular juncture in history—if they didn’t happen to suck at it. Foxeteers are like people who spend their whole life studying the mating ritual of the lemur and still don’t know dick about lemurs, or their dicking-about behaviors. In reality (sorry Cranky), Libs have a variety of views, a variety of positions, and a variety of ideas: some good, some bad, some ugly. They rarely agree on anything. On the other side, Fox is all one unanimous very bad idea—which is no coincidence, as we will soon see.

Oxymoron Watch: Hey, but watching Fox finally paid off for me this week! The O’Reilly Factor staff voted on their smartest comments of the year. I watched this segment in a similar manner to the closing sequence of Blazing Saddles, rolling around the living room carpet and slamming my hands on the floor. First out of the gate, for these ‘Fox precious moments’, they offered several mosque debate quotes…I repeat, several mosque debate quotes. Ahhh, that was fiction. They pumped the energy into this non-story to resonate with the asses. Then they praised themselves on their coverage cleverness as if this was somehow the cherry on their journalistic shit sundae. It was so nihilistic that Camus probably isn’t bothering to roll over in his grave. Next up was a Palin quote, which admittedly was a string of words that formed what one might describe—in certain remedial English classes—as a complete sentence (sometimes on cable news that’s enough). Then, not to be outdone, Brit Hume batted cleanup. The best quote from The O’Reilly Factor staff for 2010 was Mr. Hume rambling on about how amazed he is that other news networks aren’t emulating their powerful station’s successful formula.

Fox News: First off, Mr. Hume, one cable news network is following your lead; it’s called MSNBC. They pulled one from your playbook, which is precisely why they have sunk to new lows. Second, most of your station’s “success” can be attributed to a combination of our failing educational system and cognitive-age-decline. Third, ahhh…how do I put this delicately…you’re an embarrassment, sir. You and your ilk are the story within the story of our time.

Neococoon Watch: Here’s a recent study out of the University of Maryland on propaganda in the media. I originally found this on the dailydish.com. The PDF file is a good read. It’s not news…well, not to me. Fox, of course, ranked number one on the misinformation scale (by a mile). They are responsible for a long list of falsehoods that their viewers now hold as gospel. For a review of these, see any Crank feature. And, no surprise, MSNBC has moved to a distant second.

“But what’s interesting in the study is how it shows that Fox News, more than any other source, distorted the truth and created a false reality, for all its viewers, Democrats and Republicans—Let’s be clear about this. One alleged news network fed its audience a diet of lies, while contributing financially to the party that benefited from those lies.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Or, as they like to call it, fair, balanced, and unafraid. Andrew is now where I was a couple of years ago and the Foxeteers are right where we left them: misinformed and marching toward the nearest cliff. But fear not fair reader, some of the millions of lemmings will be saved by using their copy of the Constitution as a crude parachute.

Fox’s supreme use of propaganda would be almost funny, if it hadn’t gotten Bush re-elected. We all know how that turned out…actually, about half of you don’t. But at least the studies are finally catching up with the Zanos. And the Cranks…well, they are the study.

And for yet another Nostradamian style prediction:

To their credit, the Cranks and the Pernicks of the world know way more about economics than I do. The Crank can rattle off any number of potentially savvy economic moves, many of which I even agree with (no, really, I do). But will the people they help elect implement any of them? That’s the big joke…on them. Somehow with all this “knowledge” they invariably mistake the forest for the sleaze.

Bottom line, will the Crank or Pernick agree with the above graph? Hell no! Is it pretty much how things will play out? Hell yes! Megatrends are lost in the details, because those details were, for the most part, placed in their brains by crooks and schnooks. While we collapsed under Bush, these savvy Fox business types were saying, “All is well, there’s nothing to see here” and, as we stabilized under Obama, they all whined, “The sky is falling!” When the Republicans return to power, they will initially return to their “All is well” stance. Then they’ll switch to “We were too late to change Obama’s policies.” Ahhh, the fact remains: you broke it, he stabilized it (albeit barely), and now you will finish us off in 2012. Hey, maybe the Mayans were trying to warn us about Mitch McConnell. I believe Quetzalcoatl translates roughly to “obstructionist asshole” in Mayan.

You know what has negatively impacted businesses more than anything the libs have done? Perpetuating this lie that everything is worse under Obama. We are amidst a fragile recovery, and you are purposefully adding to the uncertainty of our business community? Were business owners really comfortable under Bush with their increasing inability to insure their own employees? with the unsustainability of the Bush tax cuts from any graph or pie chart known to mankind? with a country waging numerous wars, at least one unnecessarily, totally on our collective credit cards? Really? Business leaders are that dumb? Well, maybe.

Sure, cutting spending = good, but cutting it before you have any viable plan to do so is another Fox precious moment. Shifting all of the wealth of the country to about a dozen or so moguls while calling it socialism is another neat stunt, but, in the Republican’s defense, Branson’s new spaceship is pretty awesome. Hey, those super rich are supposed to give us jobs, right? Can I work on your spaceship, Mr. Branson? I’ve watched every Star Trek episode and I know how to curse in Klingon. Oh, and I can also wear my pajamas for weeks at a time (a prerequisite for anyone serious about space travel). And, for your information Mr. Crank, my parents did tell me when they were moving out. They just forbid me to move back upstairs or touch their stuff. I am actually defiantly writing this from my father’s study as we speak, because I’m a bit of a rebel at hea—oh shit, the beer made a ring stain in the wood.

Solutions: The Crank says I’m not solution oriented, yet I recommended a ratio of tax hikes and spending cuts similar to Obama’s deficit commission (which was blocked by the ideologues on both sides). If you were really serious about cutting something, wouldn’t following the commission’s recommendations have been a better compromise than the recent spend fest? The only thing the right is serious about is fucking things up, their singular strength.

And, I’ve always said a gas tax would level the playing field and move the country toward a responsible energy policy. Do I want to walk to work? Hell no. Is it better than what’s coming economically and possibly ecosystemly? Hell yes. Fox believes all our healing juice will spring forth from capitalism. Sorry, in this case, capitalism needs a nudge and Wall Street needs a leash. Also, I have been touting the importance of a more integral based media to end the talking heads currently derailing the truth. I was on the vanguard of those attacking the media. Now, lo and behold, people are talking about it and studies are supporting it.

But, most importantly, it has been said that a sane world starts with sane citizens. I actually have been pretty clear on a solution, although it’s not a solution that will resonate with most Americans: meditate. Take on the self-experiential-experiment (SEE) of the contemplatives. Work on yourself and things will fall into place for you, regardless of your bank account. Study after study shows your economic wealth has no correlation with your happiness. I realize that this is sacrilege to the vultures over at Fox, but only a truly sick group of people can follow some of the twisted logic of our country’s policies. Our current path is a form of collective suicide, perpetuated by the left and right (er,…mostly the right). And again, to be clear, I’m not hoping for our financial institutions and political structures to collapse, it’s going to happen regardless, but it doesn’t have to be the end of America. I told you you would need that Advil.

by Mick Zano • December 30, 2010

After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS. Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture. It stared right at me, nay, right through me. Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played. When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.” Machines always call me Dave. I don’t know what that’s all about.

My daughter and I spent most of Christmas night feeding in all of my credit card information, personal information, address, soc, and all other sensitive material into “the machine.” Then came the blood samples—all of this, presumably, so it will start billing me when my 30 day internet trial is over. Then after abysmally losing at my first X-Box Connect experience, it showed pictures of my daughter and me jumping around the living room for our “scrap book.” Riiiiigghht…I proceeded to move the bong out of view of the bloody thing.

This machine was just invited into my home and it was already curtailing my behavior. Later that night, when not a creature was stirring (except my computer mouse), I came down the stairs to raid the fridge and found the hair on the back of my neck rising as I laid eyes on the thing. Had it moved? It looked like it had shifted toward the right….toward the bong!

What if this “game” didn’t really have an off switch? As I walked back through the living room, I instinctively shifted my bottle of Deschutes Porter in an effort to place my body between my beer and that thing. Hmmm. I thought about leaving some type of tell-tale, something to see whether or not it reengaged itself when the room is empty. Was it collecting data even when it was off? I had to know.

For a tell-tale I thought about using a human hair cleverly extended between the moveable device and the entertainment stand. If the strand were to break…nay, I decided instead to just cover it with a kitchen towel. I told my daughter the next morning it was to keep off the dust. I placed my aluminum foil hat on my head to block its transmissions and proceeded to get stoned to reruns of Space Ghost. OK, I didn’t do any of that, but I thought about it. Really, I didn’t. You can check my X-Box.

Then it hit me, this is what they meant to do all along! This is why the Pentagon is purchasing thousands of PS3s. They have recently connected them all together, creating some type of super computer (true story). Well, this is their “transparent” project anyway. Area 51 has probably already implemented a shadow video game project with ten times as many X-Box 360s to create a super computer to control our minds and our actions! To keep the Homeland safe and keep its citizens in check. Damn you, Cheney!

They have probably been moving toward this since the game pong came on the scene over 30 years ago. I never trusted that little white ball. And I always felt that Donkey Kong had a hidden agenda. He was just playing stupid. Behind the scenes, the government has systematically worked toward an interface with every home in the country. Perhaps that red light—that Hal-wanna-be snapping away in my living room—extends telescopically at night like those War of the Worlds frontal cameras. Oh god, if it can somehow get into the closet Lenny and Squiggy are toast! I named my pot plants. The Ghetto Shaman tells me it helps appease the plant spirits.

Heck, it’s even in the name, 360. It’s the present that will soon become omnipresent. They’ve covered every angle. It knows our personal data, our passwords, our likes and dislikes, and has access to our living rooms and, God forbid, our closets. Jesus, that thing might even know my Wii age! Fuck.

If my little cartoony avatar looks the same but I suddenly start sounding very different in my blogs, you’ll know what happened. I’m too close to the truth. Now they probably know that I know, you know? Maybe it happens when you sleep. They absorb your minds like those body snatchers from that invasion movie. What was the name of that again?

So of course I took the thing apart. What would you have done? I was just looking for something suspicious—just making sure. I watched some related X-Files episodes and got cracking. Sure I skipped my Zyprexa that day, wouldn’t you? Once I got past the base shields, aka the outer casing, I looked for something capable of transmitting information to Big Brother. Nothing…

I can put it back together whenever I want. Yep, no problem. Ahhhh, but just in case, does anyone know anything about reassembling X-Boxes? Oh, wait, the red light is still working. That’s comforting. Maybe I’ll just move it into my daughter’s room. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

by Mick Zano • December 2, 2010

Hate is a strong word, but in this case it works. Phil Collins almost single-bandedly ruined the early eighties for me—well, him and what’s her face. Living on Long Island then, there was a time in my life I could get all these wonderful rock stations like WPLJ, WRCN, and WBAB. But, in the 80s, at any given time ALL of them could be playing a Phil Collins song. And, on a really bad day, it could be the same Phil Collins song!

I heard One More Night the other night and, all these years later, I still thought what was the fascination? To put things into context, back in the 80s those invisible airwaves were crackling with life. There was Floyd, Zeppelin, The Who, even the Beatles weren’t that old then. So what in the rock god’s name were people thinking when they decided to give real rock a miss and slip in endless Genesis and Phil Collins tracks? It was like that Sesame Street bit, which one of these is not like the other? For example, you could hear Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, Jimmi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child, and then, without commercial interruption they’d segue into Su ‘fucking’ sudio by Phil Collins. And, they would still call it a Rock Block. How did this happen? I want answers. I thought Bennie and the Jets was an anomaly until Phil and Co. came along.

I Think I Missed Again? Yeah, actually ya did, Phil-O. That could be your musical biography. Sussudio??? Really, people? Su-su-sudio, ohh ohh. This was one of those lovely tunes that could be on all three “rock” stations at the same time—incessantly played for weeks at a time. Even the metal heads sometimes said, what the hell, it’s Phil. We’re going to shift away from the long haired head banging sounds of the Skull Fuckers and instead play a little bald guy from England for our next “rock” block. It was like Keith Moon, John Bonham, and that drummer from Spinal Tap died and cursed all future drummers and the rest of mankind on their way out.

This pretty much sums up my 80s experience:

Did I miss again?
I think I missed again uh huh
Ohh I missed again uhh huh oh uhh uhhh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh.
Ohh I missed again uhh huh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh.
Ohh I missed again uhh huh uhh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh

Wow, I can see why he’s so popular. Now listen to that 27,000 more time and you’ll begin to grasp the scope of what happened to me in the 80s. And things were going so well…with what’s her name. Yes, I didn’t like the song Sussudio, but, yes, I can sing the song verbatim (hint: this is why I need to vent).

In the mid 80s, against all odds, Phil Collins’ music style got even worse with the release of Against All Odds. He was toying with me at that point. It was like he was saying, “You didn’t think it could get any worse than You Can’t Hurry Love, did you Zano? You fool! Well, I was just screwing with you…that’s nothing. I have an arsenal of even shittier songs that people are going to play twice as often. Mwahaahhhah!”

Take a Look at Me Now…

Dude, do I have too? I just ate. Oh, and Mr. Phillospher King, for your information, YOU CAN HURRY LOVE! Making it last is the trick, Einstein. I have to admit I thought In the Air Tonight was a great song, until I found out it was about farts.

The only good news was this…you know the song I Don’t Care Anymore? After hearing it for the four millionth time, I really didn’t care anymore…no more, no more…no more, no more…

He finally got his comeuppance, or downgradance. Today, he’s the only person almost never played on classic rock stations. Think about it, you can hear Genesis, you can hear Peter Gabriel, but where’s Phil? Just about everyone else played back then is still in the club—to varying degrees, of course—but Collins was finally banished to the soft rock lands, the Manillow moors, the Kenny G glades. Justice served! But at what cost? …besides what’s her face.

I am not surprised people finally realized he was grossly miscategorized. Every young DJ was probably thinking, “Dude, what the hell is this shit?” and then they rightfully placed the CD in the section marked easy listening. What collective spell were we under back then? And what can we do to ensure this never happens again?

The only thing I can equate the Phil Collins phenomenon to is Sarah Palin today. She’s huge! And Phil Collins was equally and inexplicably as huge in the 80s. Is there some correlation? We at the Discord have people working on this problem night-and-day to solve this Riddle of the Stinx.

Hey wait! She’s an Easy Lover. No, it’s gotta be more than that. Hmmmm. When I figure it out, and I will, you’ll get the scoop first, right here on the Daily Discord.