Here’s what makes me crazy! …well, besides my diagnosis. During any given news cycle some source article or another somewhere on the web is immediately translated into something resembling political pink slime (PPS).  This new version of reality is then disseminated through Fox News, AM radio and any number of social sites for the purpose of perpetuating an easily dismissible false narrative. An example? How about: Godzilla Sighted Near Coastal City shows up on Twitter as Is Obama Weak on Radioactively Enlarged Reptiles?

Oh, you want real examples. Okay…hmm, did I mention the Mothra one? Actually, for real examples you don’t have to look far. I recently received this in my inbox: Do Penalties for Smokers and the Obese Make Sense? This is a nice little story which begs the question: should we tax sweets and cigarettes more to offset the cost of healthcare issues associated with these products? Of course that’s the source article, which is certainly a topic worthy of debate, but what came to me via the Fox-Newsian-filter was: Lib Media Already Pushing Death Panels for Fat People and Smokers!

I mentioned another example a few posts back when some right-winger claimed Obama Pays for CNN’s Content! The source article, in this case, was an interesting Glenn Greenwald Guardian piece. I’m afraid he would not recognize the Foxeteer’s translation…er, nor would anyone else. But this is happening every day, all over the web. Sadly, my beloved blogosphere is part of the problem. What scant facts we receive is Twitterized for your enjoyment. Whereas the Left has their issues, only the Right seems to routinely create news from the ether. And, as for Obamacare:

Hear ye, hear ye,

Rich people will always have access to good healthcare in the U.S. and now, thanks to Barack Obama, poor people will at least have access to the basics.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. I know, I know scary stuff.

The ongoing Obamacare angle from the Right will amount to highlighting every story like this: Pickled Drunkard Denied Third Liver Dies! Of course, in a Republican run world the original story would read: Pickled Drunkard Denied Substance Abuse Services or Any Medical Care Whatsoever Dies in Hospital Lobby. Yeah, that sounds so much better. Fear death panels. Got it.

We have had and always will have a team of individuals deciding whether or not an individual has enough money and/or coverage for certain medical procedures. And, as we go broke, it’s only going to get uglier, Obamacare or otherwise. This shit already happens every day in the U.S. and the fact so many seem oblivious to this reality is another example of a segment I like to call, “Here’s another subject the GOP doesn’t seems to know dick about.”  To see another subject the GOP doesn’t seem to know dick about, turn on Fox News right now…

All-or-none thinking, a key theme on the Right, is the story I’ve been covering for years and someday the media will take notice.  Summary: things I blog about generally becomes news in about a year or so and thing the Foxeteers blog about becomes either a tragedy or a comedy.  Doocy or not Doocy, that is the question.

As this relates to Obamacare, the GOP bifurcates reality into either:

You are a “taker”: you should die in the lobby because I don’t want to kick in for the bill.

You are a “maker”: we have blocked the entire third floor of John Hopkins for you, sir, and Dr. House is flying in with your Benadryl as we speak. Can I get you a nurse or maybe something from the naughty variety?

Of course, these are extremes but, thanks to folks like Sean Hannity, that’s all these folks seem to understand. And, no matter what they do for a living and no matter how many liberal entitlements they have personally taken advantage of, the Foxeteers will always consider themselves the “makers” and everyone else, no matter how educated or hardworking or affluent will be considered the “takers”.  Nothing in the middle has EVER made sense to these folks. It’s why even when they have a point—which is exceedingly rare—they still get it wrong.

I started out as a “pox on both your houses” kind of blogger, but over the years I have clearly become more liberal. Why? Well, it’s pretty sad when one group is worried about our imperiled climate, while the other blindly supports coal and oil. It’s pretty sad when one group is worried about our insanely high gun deaths, while the other is against even background checks for the criminally insane. It’s pretty sad when one group is worried about our disparity of wealth—which is now ranked among many Latin American countries—while the other is worried about socialism. Really? So when every penny in Springfield goes to the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world that’s socialism? Is it opposite day again? …yep, pretty much every time I turn on Fox News. Hell, by now you peeps should have knee burns worse than Smithers.

This is the same group against returning to 90’s level taxes after their ilk broke our economy. The real reason…they don’t want another 3% taken out of their earnings because they’re going to win the state lottery next week. Yes, most of them think this.

Last week I caught this over on The Dish:

Bashkar Sunkara recently stated the stunning fact that socialism is more popular than capitalism for those between the ages 18 and 30. Here’s Andrew Sullivan’s take:

“I don’t think Sunkara is wrong about this—but mainly by default, because conservatives, instead of trying to rein in a corrupt capitalism, have been defending its excesses as principles, and just ran a Bain executive as its nominee, for Pete’s sake, after an era in which reckless financial oligarchs nearly destroyed the entire global economy.”

I agree, and I have always predicted the selective outrage over on Fox would one day cloud some real issue (my related feature here). I also warned the GOP’s blind support of those sociopathic aspects of capitalism would be the system’s undoing, here. See? I always get to link back to shit, but as for the GOP’s views and predictions…er, it’s best to forget.

In other words, the defenders of capitalism are killing it. If Republicans have absolutely no desire to fix and reform our system, the country will take its ideology elsewhere. It’s yet another example of anything championed by Fox News is doomed. There’s a deep revulsion to the GOP, and rightly so. But, sorry, this is not some liberal media conspiracy, it’s primarily due to this phenomenon:

Republicans tend to talk about how they really feel about issues…out loud…with the microphone on. (Bad Idea Jeans?)

This revulsion to the Right and what Andrew Sullivan calls “the disillusionment with the status quo” is bound to propel us somewhere. I have always believed there is a need for conservative values, but only the ones that make sense. We don’t need AM radio’s juvenile and counterproductive version. As a direct result, we may now be heading toward a period of uber-liberalism, which has its advantages and its inherent dangers.

These days adult discussion is passé as the Fox translator remains set on hyper-drivel. What can come from our political discourse with the current reading comprehension level and mindset of nearly half our country? We must, as John Dickerson suggested over on Slate, Go For The Throat! It’s a good article encouraging Obama to finish off the GOP. The article echoes many of the themes I’ve already covered. Hey, better Slate than never.

This is also what the GOP fears. Maybe Fox is right about something, maybe Obama is going for the knockout punch. Oh, wait, they’re never right…damn it!

Do I relish the idea of one unchecked party? No, but if the GOP dies perhaps some meaningful conservative movement will fill the void. In its current form the GOP has proven itself to be petty, dysfunctional, and wrong on almost any given subject.  So this is a mercy killing. Hannitized for your protection.

I think Fox News was aiming for a certain level of misinformed viewer, but like some runaway Foxenstein Monster even they are starting to question their creation.

It’s a Lie! It’s a Lie!! Sorry. Somewhere Mary Shelley is being reanimated in her grave.

Did you see the NRA President, LaPierre, interviewed over on Fox? Chris Wallace has always been a pseudo-real journalist stuck in the Matrix (check the interview here). Eventually even Fox News is going to say…er, we didn’t really mean for our viewers to get this crazy.

They can’t control their monstrous creation. The Tea Party was just the beginning…

Is a similar problem occurring over on MSNBC? Sure. But at least there’s a logical connection between the source material and their spiel…at least so far. They don’t change the whole premise of the debate via a delicate blend of extrapolation and stupidity. MSNBC has an ideology and they do spin things. I am not defending them or their tactics, in fact, I never have. I have given them negative press as far back as my Olbermann bashing from 2008.

Hell, I would watch CNN if it didn’t make me want to shoot my face off.

This is CN…zzzzzzzz.

In an effort to appear nonpartisan, CNN has given up on the whole premise of actually reporting on anything. Time and time again I have watched some politician or another on CNN voice some completely absurd viewpoint and those people never questioned anything EVER! I remember one time someone interviewing some GE executive, who was complaining about how EPA regs are stifling the markets. This interview occurred to the backdrop, of all places, the Hudson River. And this “journalist” didn’t even point out the fact that GE has been identified as the main polluter of the Hudson River!

They have become MCs, not journalists. They only introduce the next act, “Up next, kids, we have the bear on a trampoline!” Of course MSNBC’s version of that segment would have focused on the PCBs in the water and the dead river behind them, while Fox News would immediately pan up and over to the Manhattan skyline before allowing the GE guy to further explain how Obama is unfriendly to big business. Of course that’s another reason I choose liberal causes…aka, fuck you, GE.

And yet, somehow, the GOP thinks they’re the great defenders of the Constitution. Let’s be honest, they just want to keep their guns. They will not defend, nor do most of them even seem to understand any other aspect of either the Bill of Rights or the Constitution. I always envision some Foxeteer labeled an enemy combatant being dragged from his or her home.

This can happen minus any proof. There will be no trial because Habeas corpus is now easily circumvented, so no lawyer phone call either. This person will then be tortured by the CIA, which is now permissible, and then perhaps whisked away to some country willing to do even what our own country’s Gestapo won’t. The person may then be beaten until permanently mentally ill. Well, this could explain Michele Bachmann.

Oh, but here’s the part they care about…on our tax dollar! Or maybe this person is finally released in this faraway place only to be killed with a drone strike. This has happened to American citizensbefore, like Jose Padilla for one, and countless others under the Bush Administration. Well, not the drone part.

Let’s face it, the only thing a Foxeteer cares about is having access to a gun as the Feds kick in the door.  Their hero in this scenario was at least able to fumble with some bullets before shooting his clock on the mantle before the Feds tackled him. The only thing they seem truly free from these days are the facts. Yeah freedom!

“Are we hampered as a nation in our ability to address real problems in the evidence-based world if half of the people in politics do not live in that world…and, if so, how does that get fixed?”

—Rachel Maddow

Sounds like she’s channeling Zano. And you wonder why I’m more liberal these days. As I’ve been saying, there is a real danger that everything associated with conservatism will be deemed bullshit. And that day is upon us. But make no mistake, this will give a free pass for Obama and his ilk…and there’s no one to blame but yourselves.

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever…well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Dear Mr. President,

First off, I am an advocate of our 2^nd Amendment rights, but I agree some safeguards should be in place designed to help keep guns out of the hands of evil/crazy people, or as I call them, Republicans. But this is not your battle, sir. Fact: someday we will pass reasonable gun-reform legislation, but that day is NOT today. In the early twenty first century you are dealing with a slew of paranoid and highly armed infants. You are taunting a group clearly a few slugs shy of a full cylinder. That’s a gun joke. I had to Google that shit. I thought it was a chamber. Who knew? I think back to all of those Russian roulette sessions and wince. Cylinder, got it…

Your actions remind me of an old SNL bit, Don’t Taunt Happy Fun Ball. You, sir, are taunting Happy Fun Ball!!

Remember, this is a group who think they’re right on any subject, despite the facts, so why fan these flames? A disturbing false narrative has developed over the years and this simply feeds into it. Usually you have some master plan, but I don’t get this one. You walked into a trap set by morons. So what does that make you? Look, no one could have foreseen New Town…except you, of course, after ordering the operation. Regardless of your intent, even if you’re simply trying to enforce existing laws, it will be interpreted by our Nation’s crackpots as THE N***ER IS COMING FOR OUR GUNS!! I told ya’s, dag nab it. I told ya’s. An no sidewindin’ bushwackin’, hornswagglin’ cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter! fRABISh! Did you hear Charlie Daniels’ speech? Johnny rosin up your bullshit.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. Sorry about the N-word, sir, I just saw Django this weekend. Oh, and let Texas secede. Except Austin, of course, and parts of the panhandle where Interstate 40 runs through it. Thanks.

My biggest complaint about Barack Obama has always been his inability to read certain tea bag leaves. He seems entirely incapable of understanding the batshit Right. I have my PhD in that shit. Having to live in the trenches, I have a good handle on our country’s ailing zeitgeist. Since 2008 I have extensively covered the relative mental health of We The Prozac. I have a good feel for our country’s labile and anxiety-riddled emotional state. Oh, and it was a bad feel, not a good feel. Don’t worry, I reported it to Adult Protective Politics. Of course, we don’t fund that anymore in AZ, so they just told me to go someplace in mind when it happens and think of baseball. Oh, and for a good review of some of our cognitive dysfunctions check my old article here.

Meanwhile, Obama remains detached and aloof about the pulse of the Foxeteers, which is now fluttering like a moth on meth. Their reaction was entirely predictable (Pavlov’s elephants?). This is the only time it has made me wonder if he’s intentionally stoking the coals. The great uniter, purposely dividing? For what purpose? Is he just pissed off, or is there some kernel of truth on the batshitsville side of life? The thought makes me queasy.

I live in Arizona, where people are just coming to terms with the Dred Scott Decision…which, I tell ya, is a slippery slope to a black president. Mark my words! Speaking of frontier gibberish, have you heard AZ’s Senator Kyl speak? fRABISh!

On a side note, Obama also blew it on Inauguration Day. He needed to level with the American people. His Administration promised a full recovery by the end of his first term, when no credible economists thought that was possible. Of course, I know why they did it. Half the formula for our stock market has always been about bullshit perceptions.

“Do you think we’re doing well?”

“Sure, so go buy some shit.”

I can see why capitalism is so popular. And, of course, that’s been Fox and Drudge’s antithetical position. Let’s ignore any problem until the world economy is in a freefall and then let’s hinder the recovery with negative rhetoric so we can return to power.

Had it been reversed; if a GOP president followed this collapse, the economic news would now all be Everything’s Coming Up Roses in overdrive. Speaking of which, why aren’t we switching to Ethanol Merman? Sorry. I’m over my quota.

With a GOP president you would never hear a word about our deficit—just like Reagan’s or W’s silent spend fests (SSFs). Regardless, this is perhaps Obama’s biggest mistake. He should never have riled up a bunch of bullet happy bozos (BHBs). Or is it, bullet happy Bozells? Speaking of which, hey Brent, if the 2nd Amendment is about fighting tyranny, why not just allow guns during Republican Administrations? See how that would make more sense, er…in the same way you invariably don’t?

Then came the ultimate insult:

I am a great believer in the Zano political formula (ZPF), which pretty much states: pick a topic, any topic, and the Democratic solution is dumb, the Republican solution is dumber, and the Tea Party’s solution is the dumbest. This works for nine out of ten topics. For a recent example, the liberal idea of minting a trillion dollar coin is dumb. Many believe it would work as a nice gimmick in the short term, and I happen to agree, but for the long term it’s simply dumb. Republicans want an austerity-only approach, which by all accounts would immediately trigger a double-dip recession, aka, dumber. You have but to look to Europe to see how austerity-only plans are working. And then the Tea Party, not to be out-dumbed, wants to default on our debt as a nation in the name of fiscal conservatism. That is clearly the dumbest plan…by far. As usual, they are in a class by themselves (No Child Left Benign?)

This formula works on almost every issue, like magic…er, until now. On 1/12, I happened to catch Thomas Roberts hosting MSNBC Live. He was arguing with some gun rights advocate. The gun guy reviewed the three primary reasons our Founding Fathers wanted us armed, and then Roberts responds thusly (this is all paraphrased):

Roberts: So you want to take up arms against our military?

Gun Guy: No, it has simply always been meant as a deterrent. We have 80-million armed citizens in our country, which could pose as a deterrent should our government ever become tyrannical.

He then rightly used Afghanistan as an example of a country not easily occupiable, which you can’t refudiate is a word. (Did I mention this was paraphrased?)

Roberts: So you are now knocking our military’s engagement in Afghanistan?

Gun guy: No, that’s not the point.

Roberts: Well, the military has drones, so if you take up arms against the government, you couldn’t win. You would be killed!

WTF? That may be the single dumbest response I have ever heard on any news channel, including Fox, EVER. This anchor did not only fail to understand the Founding Father’s reasoning for our 2^nd Amendment rights, he is suggesting we, the U.S., have 80-million drones lying around to take out every gun owner during an uprising. It was an astounding exchange and it might singlehandedly bring about a tie between the batshit NRA/Nugents of the world and the batshit Michael Moore/uber-disarmers of the world. It was truly a sad moment, especially since over the years I have become more in line with liberal thought—primarily as a direct response to the profoundly embarrassing views and behaviors of the GOP. I know, which is totally irrelephant, right Groucho?

This is one of those topics where just about everyone seems to be wrong:

The NRA’s ideology:

“There’s no correlation between handing rocket launchers to the criminally insane and related violence.”

VS.

Michael Moore’s equally disturbing ideology:

“Who needs more than ten bullets to kill a deer?”

Er, besides Michael Moore? Hey…say what you want about Michael Moore, but he was the best James Bond ever—or was that Roger and Me?

I would like to think more people fall somewhere between these two rather extreme views, but I don’t. In one small poll, my Facebook friends fell entirely into either the Michael Moore (MMC) 10-bullets-a-week camp or the Ted Nugent arm-the-criminally-insane-to-the-teeth camp (TNC), aka, dumb and dumber. I can’t wait to hear the Tea Party’s view, but I fear even typing it might result in a fatal backfire. (Microsoft AK-47?)

Meanwhile, Obama and Biden’s rhetoric has only increased the guns on our streets. Nice job, gents. As I’ve said, this is a horrible time to attempt gun reform when you have so many, so paranoid, so fearful, so misinformed, and so ready to take up arms against a competent administration. Why not wait for an incompetent one? It’s odd, but when an idiot is in charge the GOP seems to relax and anxiety levels drop. Isn’t that paraFoxical? Sorry. The good news, it may be awhile before another Republican enters the Oval Office. Here’s why:

“I want someone smarter than me in office, yet the typical Foxeteer is always searching for someone dumber than them.”

—Mick Zano

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Hey, let’s hand the key to that big red button over to Sarah Palin and then they’ll all be well rested…er, right up until the giant explosions followed by the nuclear winter. Who can refutiate that?

Instead of ending with a Charleston Heston quote, let’s mix it up a little. Rock me, Dr. Zaius!

“The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago. If only people had listened to Mick Zano.”

—Dr. Zaius

Did I mention this was paraphrased?

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, “Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?” The answer is sure…just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Mr. Barnes is calling this “new normal” an “excuse” and the list of GOP complaints, as usual, involves unemployment rates, increases in food stamps, etc. and so what. I’m still amazed Obama avoided a double-dip recession. Aren’t you…and, if not, why? By now we should all be driving around the wasteland in rogue caravans searching for petrol. Wasn’t that the last GOP nomination’s platform? The GOP: Beyond Thunderdumb? I loved that movie…and the nomination.

Did you know the U.S. is recovering faster from the Great Recession than any other industrialized country? No? Who needs the truth when this false narrative is so much fun, right? Economists still predict it will take a decade or more to recover from your last president, and I still predict we won’t ever fully recover. Hell, it’s worse than the aftermath of the Christmas party tequila incident (CPTI). Our situation is also complicated by a struggling global economy, a lack of professional hockey games, and a looming zombie apocalypse. The fact y‘all think you’re going to fix this through a combination of stupidity and a lack of any economic prowess is interesting. Our current gradual recovery is—and always has been—our best case scenario…well, by all rational accounts. This would be the case whether we had a smart guy in office, or one of your ilk, Fred.

Would a near immediate collapse under Romney have shut you up? Naaah. The Bubble is impervious to reality. That’s why I simply address their extreme cognitive dysfunction (ECD), so centuries from now when virtual alien archeologists find my blog, they’ll know we had important spoof news on this doomed planet.

Fred is also against the Chuck Hagel nomination for Secretary of Defense, which is another good reason to give Chuck the nod. Hagel is another adult decision and adult decisions have no place in today’s politics. If he gets the nomination, he will rock. He’s like one of ten respectable Republicans left (last of the Chuckhicans?). You really should nurture those, they’re like the Javan rhino, nearly …oh wait, I’m being told the rhino’s extinct. Never mind. Smart elephants are next.

The name of the Barnes article in question is The Four-Year Honeymoon. Sorry, but Obama deserves much, much longer. Do you understand the historical context of his arrival? I always wondered why Fred Barnes seemed so impervious to bad press. His partner in crime, William Krystol, is known for getting things wrong, yet his views are almost indistinguishable from any other Foxeteer (Barnes included). I should have went with Barnes & Ignoble. Damn, is it too late? I wish I could learn Microsoft Word. It’s on my bucket list. And some day, Mr. Winslow, I won’t be sending my submissions to you on badly stained bar coasters either. Some day.

Anyway, so folks like William Krystol and Dick Morris are simply scapegoats for a wider problem, namely your political views. In other words, if those two are always wrong and Republican ideology is built on their bullshit, then let’s do the…oh wait, they don’t believe in math. Is this part of Bush’s No Lemming Left Behind program?

“No, trust me, trust me. That lemming bringing up the rear, he’s legit, honest.”

Here’s more Fred,

“To my recollection, Obama is the first president to instill coverage anxiety, conscious or unconscious.”

Stop trying to recollect. None of you are any good at it. Obama does instill a certain respect, but most of this phenomenon relates directly to his addle-minded predecessor. Obama does appear almost God-like, next to a bumbling war criminal. Who wouldn’t? Oh right…any recent Republican candidate. Sorry. Did you know they tape those primaries? That’s not going to help your shelf life, peeps.

Then Fred—out of the total blue—makes a rare point. Right in the middle of the article! Where you would least expect it.

Basically he whined how when Bushie Jr. broke the Constitution he was slammed with criticism, yet Obama can expand drone strikes and warrantless wiretapping without so much as a peep from the press…er, of course I already made this point on The Daily Discord as far back as 2008. I found this quote from a related post.

“He (Obama) is using Bush’s expansion of executive power effectively. I wish last week he’d rolled back provisions of the Patriot Act, but I knew he wouldn’t…no one likely ever will. This was predictable, er….which is why I predicted it back in 2008.”

—Mick Zano

Who didn’t see this coming? Oh yeah…anyone of you. But I’ll tell you what, Fred, as soon as one of your idiots wields such power, I will spend more time covering it. I recently started an entire post on this subject but it remains unfinished. Why? I’ve written at least ten other articles on the train wreck that is the GOP. There’s always something Fox News is doing to trump any real discourse. This has been one of my chief complaints.

The crux of this partial post was this: I support the drone program, but the process for the death list needs to be more open and subject to checks and balances. But Fred, where was your outrage when our Constitution was actually being gutted? Besides, this is a real valid complaint so it has no place in a Weekly Standard article. You want news? Turn to The Daily Discord. This e-rag was never intended to be a news outlet, but it sure beats the best the GOP has to offer.

People have fewer complaints now, right or wrong, because Obama’s handling this expansion of executive power competently. When W. repeatedly sent all those drones into that orphanage, it was terrible. To be clear, Obama is dead wrong to expand warrantless wire tapping and widen the use of a drone program without accountability. And the liberal media should be covering this. You are correct, Fred, but it’s suspicious that you’re only now identifying these as problems. Maybe you’re not ignorant, you’re just evil. It’s kind of one or the other on that side of the aisle. The rest are in hiding.

The GOP keeps sucking in all the journalistic energy like a singulhannity. Hawking discovered this cosmic event using NASA’s rover Animosity. It stopped sending any data back almost immediately aside from a robotic Bronx cheer. Money well spent.

As for Obama’s mistakes, Fred claims, “The list is long.” Really? Actually, you need a Republican president to generate a long list of scandals. Obama’s list of conspiracies is Short & Spurious. Most of it will not make the history books, except to say, “Guess what these people thought?” (hint: that will be a long section).

Back to Fred’s “logic”:

“Both the Fast and Furious gunrunning scandal and the Benghazi killings would have led to months of stories, investigative reports, and outraged commentary. But the media proved to be largely incurious in Obama’s case.” [Incurious George joke omitted by the editors].”

Ummm, no, no they wouldn’t have. If you recollect, Fred, we were on a “Bush scandal of the week” pace.

“Cheney’s downloading Google, in its entirety!”

“Wait! Forget that shit, Bush is kicking Red Cross out of Guantanamo!”

“Wait!”

We didn’t have months? We didn’t have flipping hours on a good week. If we really could have spent months on a Bush scandal that would have been glorious…the inglorious bastard.

Besides, we heard about the Obama “scandals” for years, not months. It’s on something called Fox News and, with all the time they had to cover it, I still don’t know what the F&^K they are talking about! Fast and Furious is a scandal, albeit a mini-scandal, as the program was started under Bush. Look, as Obama stepped into the sheer stratosphere high pile of shit Bush left him, I garun-flipping-tee you, this was not even on his radar.

“Uhh, let’s not worry about the two wars and the global economic collapse, tell me again about this Bush gun running program.”

Yeah, right. You know what happened six months into the Bush Administration? 9-FUCKING-11, that’s what!! (hint: more than one person died). But the gun killed him, really, not the person. That person, smuggling Twinkies, would have otherwise lobbed drug paraphernalia and empty beer bottles at that border agent. That’s the cartels weapon of choice. (Semi-automatic whippets?)

Can you get less insightful from here? Is that even possible? Sure, it’s entertaining, but it’s getting kind of scary. Benghazi could impact Hillary’s 2016 run, and it’s not something she’s likely to put on her resume, but otherwise, give me a break. Here’s the foreign policy score card:

Successes:

Obama: killed bin Laden, decimated Al-Qaeda, ended War in Iraq

Bush: None

Failures:

Obama: Embassy overrun in Benghazi, not closing Guantanamo

Bush: 9/11, Iraq War, Afghan War, which culminated in a tanked economy, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, torture, indefinitely suspending Habeas Corpus for American citizens (the other 17 pages omitted for space’s sake).

I’m not trying to make light of the embassy situation, but would you people learn something called perspective? Three deaths vs. tens of thousands? Jesus, there’s nowhere to go but down from here, is there? Oh shit…I said it. I threw it out into the ether and now….dah, dah, duuuum. Enter the next news cycle.

Then Mr. Barnes makes another hackneyed Sandy/Katrina comparison. Umm, Chris Christie’s ire was primarily directed at our Republican Congress. His discussion of GOP’s “toxic internal politics” here. The GOP is the most culpable in this matter. Forgot that part, huh? (Hint: if something goes wrong, look to the GOP. It’s a much safer bet, historically speaking. Well, no, there was that one thing…no wait. That was them too). And, yes, your team lost Hagel and you lost Christy. You are down to David Frum and parts of Charles Krauthammer. What? The parts he still has. Good luck with that.

And some day, Mr. Barnes, if you eat your Wheaties and you read a little more Zano, you too may have something called insight, groovy stuff. I should warn you, though, showing any insight means you will be immediately ejected from your tent.

Here’s Fred’s last “point”:

“What if Bush had claimed in speech after speech that Democrats who opposed his policies were putting ‘party before country’? The media response to an insinuation that Democrats were unpatriotic would have been along the lines of, ‘How dare the president make such a dastardly claim!’ But repeated mentions of ‘party before country’ by Obama have been treated as perfectly acceptable.”

Please listen again to The News Room’s comparison of the Tea Party to the Taliban. The history books are going to parrot Obama on this premise 100%. History will nail you people to the proverbial cross…er, except it was removed by the American Atheists of America. Damn you, joke stealing non-believers! This could trigger the War on Groaners.

The GOP and the Tea Party are not interested in America, they are interested in themselves. The damage they’re doing to our ongoing recovery efforts—despite their significant role in our demise—is staggering. Luckily, President Obama continues to guide us around the shoals and pointy rocks. If he can pull this shit off without a depression it will be nothing short of a miracle (hint: try helping instead of hindering). The cash you save may be your own.

“You’ll find out when you reach the top, you’re on the bottom”

—Bob Dylan

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

I know, I know, it’s been only five seconds since my last rant, but the stupidity is coming in at ludicrous speed…soon to go “plaid”. Chuck Hagel, once a Republican senator from Nebraska, was a rare voice of reason during the lead up to and during the Iraq War. He was right about a lot of shit when the rest of you were wrong. But why hold that against him? Oh that’s right, Fox is never having to learn from history.

Fox News: we want a Secretary of Defense dumb enough to start nation building in Iran, Syria, and Newark!

Actually, you can just follow this formula:

Republicans are against Hagel’s nomination = he would be awesome!

Works every time. I realize the GOP hasn’t figured out why they’re dangerously incompetent, but others have something called insight and memory. It took balls for Hagel to go against the grain when both R and D alike were lining up to make one of the biggest blunders in U.S. history. I’m talking about voting out Sanjaya for American Idol. What did you think I was talking about? I still believe, Sanjaya!

As for those who opposed the Iraq War, I remember Russ Feingold over in Wisconsin getting his panties in a bunch, then Chuck Hagel in Nebraska and then my favorite blogger, Andrew Sullivan. They were the scant few voices of opposition. I’m not sure the order is right, but that’s who I came to associate with “smart” in an otherwise vast neuron-free political wasteland (NFPW). What’s strange is two of the three of those men are Republicans. Weird, huh? Of course, even the two Republicans are not allowed in the GOP tent anymore, what with an IQ above a turnip and all.

Of course, the Hagel-bashing like almost any other rabid Republican attack is a farce.

“They (The GOP) have drawn a caricature of a supposedly anti-Semitic, terrorist-coddling, Iran-appeasing, unilaterally disarming, wildly liberal malcontent. It hardly seems to matter to them that none of those things are true.”

—Amy Davidson, The New Yorker

And you may ask yourself am I Right or am I waaay Right? And you may tell yourself, my god what have I done?! Sorry, the best way to deal with the media’s Talking Heads is to quote some. Speaking of burning down the House, when are we going to do that? Where’s Occupy’s Guy Fawkes when you need him? This aint no party, this aint no disco, I aint got time for that now. Wasn’t that from the song Life During War Crimes? Take me to the river and drop me in the water, because these psycho killers are on the road to nowhere. Sorry, I’m being told to stop.

Yes, Mr. Byrne. Sorry Mr. Byrne. I do understand copyright laws, Mr. Byrne. Geesh, who put sand in this guy’s Vaseline?

Dear Republican Party,

Please go away. If you haven’t been right about anything in nearly15-years, isn’t it time to find a new hobby, like whittling? or quilting? or BDSM? Meanwhile, how about we just change the locks on the Capital Building doors while the House is on recess?

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. Try this at home. Ask a Republican what they think they’ve been right about and they’ll go, “er, uh, ummm, Obama sucks!”

Of course, the history books will say otherwise, but thanks for playing.

Finally, others are ratcheting up the rhetoric to match my own. Look, I don’t call for the disbanding of an entire political party lightly, but haven’t they done enough damage to the global economy and to the globe? The answer is, no; they will do much much more before this is all said and done. The need for the Republican Party to reform or disband has never been clearer. I would prefer at this point they just take off their tea bag bedangled hats and wander off. You know, like when animals know they’re going to die so they just crawl away somewhere and whittle.

“Republican politicians today have a choice: either change your base by educating and leading G.O.P. voters back to the center-right from the far right, or start a new party that is more inclusive, focused on smaller but smarter government and market-based, fact-based solutions to our biggest problems.”

—Tom Friedman, The New York Times

I usually limit my Andrew Sullivan quotes to a sentence or two, but I love this! I think every four years of blogging I deserve such an indulgence. Sure, it’s what I’ve been saying forever, but he’s really purdy with them words and stuff. Oh, there’s no jokes, so if you are one of our laughs-only-customers (LOCs) feel free to skip to my closing paragraph.

“Enough! Between the humiliating and chaotic collapse of Speaker Boehner’s already ludicrously extreme Plan B and Wayne La Pierre’s deranged proposal to put government agents in schools with guns, the Republican slide into total epistemic closure and political marginalization has now become a free-fall. This party, not to mince words, is unfit for government. There is no conservative party in the West – except for minor anti-immigrant neo-fascist ones in Europe – anywhere close to this level of far right extremism. And now the damage these fanatics can do is not just to their own country – was the debt ceiling debacle of 2011 not enough for them? – but to the entire world.

Those of us who have warned for years about this disturbing trend toward ever more extreme measures – backing torture, pre-emptive un-budgeted wars, out-of-control spending followed, like a frantic mood swing, by anti-spending absolutism of the most insane variety in a steep recession, vicious hostility to illegal immigrants, contempt for gay couples, hostility even to contraception, let alone a middle ground on abortion … well, you know it all by now.

But the current constitutional and economic vandalism removes any shred of doubt that this party and its lucrative media bubble is in any way conservative. They aren’t. They’re ideological zealots, indifferent to the consequences of their actions, contemptuous of the very to-and-fro essential for the American system to work, gerry-mandering to thwart the popular will, filibustering in a way that all but wrecks the core mechanics of American democracy, and now willing to acquiesce to the biggest tax increase imaginable because they cannot even accept Obama’s compromise from his clear campaign promise to raise rates for those earning over $250,000 to $400,000 a year.

And this is not the exception. It is the rule. On abortion, the party proposes that it be made illegal in every state by amending the Constitution. Torture? More, please. Iran? It should be attacked if it merely develops the technological skill to make a nuclear bomb, let alone actually make one. Israel? Leading Republicans don’t just support new settlements on the West Bank. They show up for the opening ceremonies!

Gun control? A massacre of children leads to a proposal for more guns in elementary schools and no concession on assault weapons. Immigration? Romney represented the party base – favoring a brutal regime of persecution of illegal immigrants until they are forced to “self-deport” – or rounding as many up as they can. Climate change? It’s a hoax – and we should respond by shrieking “Drill, Baby, Drill!” Gay marriage? The federal constitution should be amended to bar any legal recognition of any gay relationships, including civil partnerships. Their legislative agenda in this Congress? To “make Obama a one-term president.” Not saving the economy, not pursuing new policies, not cooperating to make Democratic legislation better. Just destroying a president of the opposite party. And, of course, failing.

Then there is the rhetoric. In just the last fortnight, House Republicans have asserted that secretary of state Clinton faked her recent fall and concussion at home in order to get out of testifying on the Benghazi consulate attack. And then the Weekly Standard quotes a Senate Republican staffer saying: “Send us Hagel and we will make sure every American knows he is an anti-Semite.”

Enough. This faction and its unhinged fanaticism has no place in any advanced democracy. They must be broken. But the current irony is that no one has managed to expose their extremism more clearly than their own Speaker. His career is over. As is the current Republican party. We need a new governing coalition in the House – Democrats and those few sane Republicans willing to put country before ideology. But even that may be impossible.”

—Andrew Sullivan, The Dish

I couldn’t have said it better myself. No, I really couldn’t. I failed English in high school and only took Composition in college. By the way, thank you Eileen Robinson for helping me pass Composition 101. Do you help with blogs by chance? Just curious.

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

Republican s haven’t really been right about anything since that television show Cheers was popular. Why, you ask? Anyone showing even the pre-limbic precursors of reason is immediately ejected from their tent. Norm!! …where everybody knows your lame. Sorry, miles away….Boston, actually.

I know I harp on this. I know I’m a broken record, but it’s a funny record…and thankfully most of it has been expunged. Let’s start with some good news. Arizona is actually balancing its budget better and faster than most states. Of course, they tanked more than most states, but here’s my concern with our alleged “progress”. It’s not the fact our Governor, Jan Brewer, seems clueless on a wide variety of topics, it’s that her long term plan is not a solution. It’s filled with expensive plot complications. Her cuts are reckless and ill-conceived, aka, she’ll remain in AZ politics for a long long time. Here’s some of the things I’ve seen, first hand. And I’m sure it’s just the tip of the Ice Queen. Say, how does an Ice Queen like Brewer survive in the heart of the Sonoran Desert? Oops, heart and Brewer/same sentence. Please edit.

This year in Maricopa County—the populous one that includes Phoenix—Governor Brewer denied matching Federal funds for homeless children. This is not a joke. Phoenix is where most of the homeless kids across the state wind up and now social worker types can’t do anything except direct them to the nearest people wafer factory. Soylent Green, it’s children! Hooray for savings.

You might say, child homelessness is decreasing so let’s save some money, but that is simply not the case. And next week, after I throw my daughter out onto the streets, those numbers are only going to get worse.

Talk about missing patterns, what do you think happens when you don’t support children living in a community shelter? Do they go away like magic? As it turns out, not so much. We know what they do: prostitute, spread STDs, steal, and sell drugs, or as I call them “weekends”. They end up in hospitals, rehabs, and foster homes which cost way more than the free fifty-seven dollars Brewer passed on. I work directly with the associated costs for housing children and one child can cost us gazillions of dollars down the road. Hey, I didn’t say I was any good at it.

In Northern Arizona it was Jan Brewer who helped defund my county to the point where a dangerous game started. Here’s how it’s played:

“So you want to kill yourself or a lot of other people? Well, we don’t have funds for that shit anymore so please don’t. Have a cookie!”

It’s better than last year, when we tried to appease them by handing out semi-automatic weapons. I think I told that one bald guy, “Giffords is in town. She’s the problem, go talk to her.” Yeah, I’m just doing the people’s work.

Meanwhile, Obama has rightly targeted access to mental illness as a big part of this problem. Republicans will retaliate, of course, by starting Arm the Criminally Insane Felons for Freedom (ACIFF). Don’t forget free bullet Fridays! That bunch is always on target.

Seriously, I know people who have died because of these cuts, but thankfully none of them have taken out a pre-school on their way out…yet. Hooray for savings! Brewer has since finalized her plan by passing the Please-Don’t-Kill-Anyone-Today, Just-Go-Have-A-Cookie Initiative. Baking for Columbine? Maybe one Oreo could have saved those kids in Connecticut, right Jan? I can’t wait until you’re taken to task for this shit, you crazy blankety blank, blank. I’m sorry, that last blank was uncalled for.

Fact alert: defunding certain things costs society much more in the long run. And Republicans are always ready to raise the old misery index in the name of fecal conservatism. Cutting cheap services for costly ones is just plain dumb. For other examples of dumb, just see any of their other Republican budget proposal.

We had another program gutted in my town that was designed to keep those highest-utilizers off the streets. We know what work for people who make a living traveling from detox to rehab to emergency room. I am not talking about the Ghetto Shaman this time; they have banned him from such places. But if you defund programs that are cheap and effective, everyone loses—both the people and the bean counters.

In AZ over the last few years Behavioral health has already been cut somewhere to the tune of 27% with more on the horizon. How about for every 10% you cut from critical services, we cut 1% from the Defense Department? Speaking of which, did you know that after every war in American history there has been a corresponding decrease in military funding? Sounds real obvious, right?…well, not this time. Obama’s Defense budget is about where Cheney’s would be. You see, Darth Cheney is a little liberal compared to the new brand of Democrat.

Those dips in the graph above occurred after each war, except the War on Reason, of course, which the GOP plans to win! No Neuron left behind?

Here’s another pattern missed. Did you know that right-to -work states are attractive to businesses? It’s also part of Arizona’s recovery plan. Umm, but what happens when we’re all right-to-work states? Haven’t thought that far yet, huh? I work in one of those. It’s not pleasant. What happens when the last union dies? The GOP thinks workers and admin will all be singing Kumbaya. Seriously, that’s what they think. They think our sociopathic CEOs will become more labor friendly when the playing field is leveled…er, for them. When you say the words Labor & Industry standards in Arizona, that phrase is immediately followed by one or more rifles cocking. This also works similarly when you say Obama, Rachel Maddow, or the keg kicked.

Here’s another missed pattern. Oh, and it kind of means we’re screwed as a planet. This chart is courtesy of The Dish.

So out of all the peer-reviewed studies on climate change EVER, it turns out only 24 of them don’t think it’s happening…er, out of a gazillion. Hey, can you guess which 24 studies were funded by the Koch Brothers and featured on Fox News? Thanks Fox News for staying consistently wrong on some many important topics. You were so worried about not raising taxes to fund your wars, you missed the whole raising sea levels thing.

And how about those ‘fiscal cliff’ negotiations? The GOP can never start any negotiations where they’re supposed to…but I already covered this here. The wrong remains the same, eh? Isn’t that a Zeppelin song?

Okay, so most of us have figured out we need more revenues as well as serious spending cuts, which is immediately translated by Republicans as “that could lead to bestiality!” I think Santorum said that during the fiscal negotiations of 2011. Why, why, why do we always have to drag them kicking and screaming into reality? Don’t we have other more important things to worry about, like Obama’s birth certificate? Republicans are like the Amish, only a little less worldly. Or how about this one:

The GOP: We’re so far right we’re out in left field? Okay, I’ll stop…er, when they do.

The fiscal negotiations suck. In a post years ago I said negotiations begin thusly: at what income level should tax rates go up? I said this ages ago! Okay, I just checked, 7/7/11. Here’s the quote:

“Hear ye, hear ye: the negotiating will be limited to this: for what income group will the Bush tax cuts expire? Will it be for those earning over $250,000 a year? over $500,000? over a $1M? Let the real negotiating begin!”

—Mick Zano

Yet they still can’t figure this shit out, even now?…even after a presidential election? This isn’t even my job! Have I mentioned I’m a spoof bloggerist? To everything turn, turn, turn. They have no reason, turn, turn, turn. If they had listened to yours truly, we could have focused on actually cutting something—except cheese. Meanwhile, Boehner, all bleary eyed, is just getting there now like some demented form of Rep. Van Winkle. Sorry about that one, it’s the sleep deprivation. I’m typing as fast as I can, Mr. Winslow, honest. The Crank still owes you a feature, so why don’t you yell at him?

Even when the Speaker offered hikes for those making over a million, there’s that pesky bat-shit base I keep harping about—which now can be translated roughly as your average Fox News viewer. Sorry, I think that’s news. Speaking of which, Grover Norquist needs to be deported. I don’t care where…what? I don’t care! Try getting a lead from that ancestry.com thing. Actually, Old Grover is bending logic again to concede to Boehner’s last offer. But it doesn’t matter. Why? Umm, it’s what I’ve been telling ya’s….welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here every day. That’s why I keep covering this shit. Norquist’s brand of bat-shit conservatism is sooo last week. There’s always going to be someone more severely conservative, more bat-shit, to take up the tax fee torch. Talk about whack-a-mole. Remember that bozo Brent Bozell? The one I did that mock interview with a couple of weeks back, here? Now he, along with many others, are condemning Norquist for being too liberal! They’re on an unstoppable trajectory toward my psych unit…and we don’t have nearly enough beds! Or, thanks to Jan Brewer, the funding. Just when you think they can’t possible get less insightful, a new manifestation, a new metamorphosis occurs that makes me think fondly back to the last news cycle. They’re like the butterfly that turns into the moth that crawls up Newt Gingrich’s ass. Hey, at least no one can blame me for plagiarism.

Make no mistake, they’re missing another pattern. It’s so sad that instead of facing the problems of this reality, the GOP has chosen to invent another one.

“This party is a threat to democratic discourse and to fiscal sanity. Their ideological mania knows no prudential restraint at all,” and, “Actually, the largest tax increase in American history was written into the tax cuts themselves, if they failed to produce enough revenue to finance the government. Which they didn’t. The reason we may go over the cliff is entirely because the GOP is more ideological than it is responsible”

—Andrew Sullivan

This might come as a surprise to some you, but I’m not a Senator. I do not attend, or, in John McCain’s case, blow-off intelligence briefings about issues I claim to care so much about. I derive my scant knowledge from the news, yet…take Benghazi for instance. No really take it. An independent panel discovered gross negligence on the part of the State Department responsible for securing that embassy. Um, I said day two, if there’s any scandal here it’s during the build up to the incident. I said that here, Mr. McCan’t. I have often said McCain is one their best and brightest and yet he’s bested again by comedian spoof blogger. Yes, liberal comedians are smarter than any of them. I’m not bragging, I’m f-ing frightened.

You know what the panel said about the Obama Administration’s handling of the incident’s aftermath? There was no wrong doing, period. So the GOP made Benghazi-gate out of the post Benghazi events, when they should have focused on events leading up to the incident. Besides, what are you complaining about? Liberals were finally trying to cut some spending. For this one, I have to admit I was cued in by the GOP. You can set your watch to this. They focus over there, which cues me to look elsewhere. Works every time. Hey, they might land me a Pulitzer yet! Another three weeks of Fox News turns out to be bullshit. Imagine that.

Republicans have a rigidity of thought not seen since The Rain Man marathon over on AMC. I guess you can’t see patterns when you’re seeing unicorns. I am sick and tired of those AM radioers lecturing me about freedom when they supported the Patriot Act. I am sick and tired of the same people who don’t pay for anything lecturing me about fiscal conservatism. And I am really sick and tired of those people who destroyed the slippery slope argument…oh, you didn’t know they ruined that too? There is no such thing as the slippery slope argument anymore. They broke it. Even I used the slippery slope argument back in the day, but now that’s a slippery slope. Homosexuality leads to bigamy leads to bestiality? Really? Providing a society with healthcare is a slippery slope to socialism and to alien colonization? Really? Banning semi-automatic weapons for the criminally insane leads to Charlton Heston rising from the grave and heralding the zombie apocalypse? Really?

Here’s the Zano four point solution:

1. End extreme gerrymandering, which is the only thing keeping the GOP in the House.

2. End the abuses of the filibuster as the need for a supermajority to do anything is not working horribly well, if you haven’t noticed (speaking of which, why haven’t Republicans noticed?).

3. Put the GOP out of its misery once and for all, because this wounded and dangerous animal is not going down without taking us with them.

I know that’s only three. The last one I wrote on a bar coaster and now I can’t find it. Crap. And it was the best one!

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

I think if you say a certain group of people are crazy, you should at least have facts to back up these claims. I do…and I’m just a pseudo-spooferest. The right, especially on AM radio, is always saying, “Those crazy liberals think”…and, “How can they possibly believe…?” They then typically follow this inflammatory statement with some combination of revisionist history, lies or hyperbole. Although, historically that’s probably a false exaggeration (badum bum).

Is the Tea Party the biggest obstacle to our recovery? I don’t think the Tea Party destroyed America; they only assisted with our bond downgrade and then cock-blocked us from any meaningful reform. Actually, Bush destroyed America. Naah, I’m still being factious. We just need to do the exact opposite of whatever Sean Hannity says. Yeah, I’m STILL being factious, because he did make sense last week when he told Ann Coulter, “We must hold the Norquist line,”…umm, am I being facetious? Is there a stronger word for facetious, like Mega-F, or omni-facetious? Hannity was so batshit that Ann Coulter somehow morphed into the conservative voice of reason.

Unless I have an ample supply of Nexium, I can only stomach about 15 minutes of the fair & balanced channel, but this week I happened upon a really interesting exchange. The “highlight” of this waiting-for-the-commercial-to-end-on-another-channel was when Ann told Sean, “Umm, we lost the raising taxes on the rich thing, so let’s focus on the battles we can win.” She’s right. And to all the rest of you, who haven’t figured that out yet, seek medication. This means a huge chunk of Republicana remains to the right of Ann Coulter…let that sink in for a minute. There’s someone named Michael Moore on the left, but most Democrats aren’t left of him. See the difference?

Look, Obama ran on raising taxes for the rich, loud and clear. His tax hikes are not dissimilar to Simpson-Bowels, which the GOP covets without actually understanding. And please enjoy my next post Ann Coulter: Voice of Reason. Yikes. It’s like when a psych ward is overrun with zombies so you decide to follow the chick who just got her antipsychotic injection. It’s the lesser of two inmates.

So who’s crazier right or left? Well, one of my main premises has always been this: the GOP’s destructive impulses are measurable. They’re already in the history books; they were horrible and they were many: from Iraq, to our bond downgrade, to alternate street parking. Their decisions fundamentally impacted our collective future, our collective prosperity, as well as our Constitution. Meanwhile, the Right’s main beefs always draw a whaaah? out of me, like, hey, Obama’s using the Patriot Act effectively! WTF? Or, Obama listened to the advice of the intelligence community on the wording of a press briefing! The nerve of that guy. Yeah, that shit keeps me up at night all right…going waaaah?

The woes of the GOP are generally propaganda generated fears (PGF) and projections that have yet to manifest. Obama’s going to take our guns…er, despite the fact he has a better 2^nd Amendment record than your last candidate, or Obama’s going to break our economy, when it was already broken.

Over the years, I have further distanced myself from Republican “thought” and, yet, I have a much stronger grasp on what they’re supposed to be doing during these fiscal negotiations. They seem to have no idea. It’s like when you find a boy in the woods raised by monkeys, who would love to become Tarzan but is neurologically on par with George of the Jungle on ‘ludes.

Here’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Here’s what, if you were a remotely competent group of individuals, you would be doing. After all, you still have the House, for now. Well, no matter what happens in the mid-terms, remember, you’ll still have House reruns. Can you believe that last diagnosis?

The plans:

Obama’s line is that top line. It’s where the negations are supposed to begin…on this planet. It’s nonsense, of course. Obama’s cuts are based on decreasing projected increases, which is a fancy way of saying slower increases, not cuts. Regardless, tax cuts for the rich are not on the table. You lost to America as well as to every credible economist. Better luck next proposal.

Hint: next time you nation-build in two countries, one of them entirely unnecessarily, let’s try to pay for that shit first, huh? And let’s end fecal conservatism once and for all.

If you make over $250,000, come January, life will still be swell. Of course, the GOP refers to these as taxing the job creators. After they say this, they must drop to their knees and face the Koch Brother obelisk to begin the ablutions. Meanwhile, these “job creators” were just fine under the same tax levels in the 90s…er, or any other time in history…er, or in any other country. Damn you facts!

Another key point of the Right’s “argument” is that taxing the rich will only run the government for four months, or for three months, or for 10 days, or for 11 minutes, because our government goes to 11! Umm, even Fox News has admitted it’s about 3.5 months, but by the time that point is translated by your average Foxeteer, you can subtract 90%.

Revenues to the tune of 3.5 months is close to the Zano proposal from way back when. I always favored some ratio close to the deficit commission or Simpson-Bowles. The bottom line, the Ryan plan, or the Tea Party plan, is clearly the worst strategy. If implemented, that plan would cause a double dip recession within about eleven minutes, because our solvency as a nation goes to 11! This is why voting for Romney was such a bad idea, besides the fact he couldn’t find China on the map with both aides. Every European country that went too austerity-heavy double dipped. It happened here too in the 30s and it happens every time someone decides to forgo reason in favor of some deranged version of Foxeterianism. Is there any other kind?

England, amidst their own austerity plan, believes such a lopsided approach has never worked:

“The IMF report argues that the best way to reduce borrowing, pay down debt and stabilize the economy is to boost low and middle incomes. This isn’t a new idea. In the US of the 1930s, Roosevelt’s New Deal raised incomes by putting millions of people back to work. But, as during the Great Depression, it’s a solution which is still reviled by the rich, the politicians they have bribed and the voters they have brainwashed.”

—The Guardian

Sound familiar?

Simpson Bowles is a little austerity-heavy and might have triggered a double dip, but Obama’s proposal is not in the right zone either. This is precisely why we needed healthy Republicans. They should be trying to get us to that sweet spot between Obama’s plan and that Simpson-Bowles line. Currently Obama can ignore the GOP, and will, because they are batshit and only they seem unaware of this fact. This is a bad thing. We need them to take off the dunce caps and sit down at the table, or any real cuts will remain imaginary. If Obama does not do something real to change the trajectory of our debt by 2016, his legacy will suffer and so will our country. Regardless, I don’t think he’s going to make those hard choices without some prompting, so if no one on the Right even knows where to begin the negotiations, umm, we’re kind of screwed.

Despite the election, the GOP remains a haven for radical ideologues. They need to purge the zealots among their ranks and they need to do it now. Movement toward sanity is happening, but waaay to slowly. Hint: climate change is happening more quickly than GOP growth. I know, I know GOP growth is a hoax. I call people who think they’re reforming Growthers.

Face it, having a few more people come out of the Republican closet is not going to cut it. In fact, it won’t cut anything, as we will see soon enough.

Obama started the negotiations right where he was supposed to and, as usual, the GOP is….well…um…er…they’re so far out there…but, hey, that’s a lovely picture of the Voyager satellite, Mr. Boehner. While you’re out there can you take out that map that shows aliens how to find Earth so they come here to harvest our planet for brains, blood, and other body parts? That would be great.

Yeah, I know, but the rest of us have brains, Mr. Speaker, and we’d like to keep them.

In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up…usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

The GOP believes they’ve amassed tons of examples to support their claim that Obama is the devil. Unfortunately, about 90% of this crap doesn’t pass muster, or even ketchu. This letter of concern arrived from the Desk of NewsBuster’s head, L. Brent Bozell III. He is also founder and president of the “Media Research Center”, or the M.R. Center for short…bus.

I have turned this important letter into a mock interview. Enjoy.

Bozell: Throughout the very long presidential election cycle, two trends remained consistent. The media lauded Obama no matter how horrendous his record, and they savaged Obama’s Republican contenders as ridiculous pretenders.

Zano: You didn’t even play the record! What about the flip side, Food Stamp Fever?! It’s bitchin’, bro! Besides, isn’t this really self-ravageization? which is a lesser known Freudian defense mechanism, like advanced repressive elephantitis. If the GOP were one of my therapy clients, at this point I would be hiding the silverware. And, outside of the bubble, people understand something called historical context. The U.S. is recovering from the Bush global recession better than any other industrialized country. Oh wait, we don’t make shit anymore…er, so how about better than any McDonaldized country? Hey, I hear the McDOW is up.

Bozell: From the start of the Republican race in 2011, every candidate who took the lead then took an unfair beating. They even slimed Sarah Palin in case she decided to run. Martin Bashir announced she was “vacuous, crass, and according to almost every biographer, vindictive too.” Newsweek mocked Michele Bachmann on its cover, making her look pale, confused and nutty, with the headline “The Queen of Rage.” Politico and other media outlets tried to pin sexual harassment claims on Herman Cain without naming, or even knowing the accusers.

Zano: Unfair beating? The media was kind, too kind. These candidates were simply…well, here’s my joke at the time.

Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate

This is my assessment based their beliefs, their policies, their understanding of foreign affairs, and their ideology. I am not being duped by the liberal media; these people are simply clueless on any number of topics.

And here’s my diagnosis of the GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Here’s their recommended medications:

Haldol, Risperdal consta, Xanax…and then some more Xanax followed by a fifth of Jose Cuervo.

Here is their recommended reading list from some rare Republicans with brains:

Andrew Sullivan’s The Conservative Soul How We Lost It, How We Can Get it Back

Bruce Bartlett’s How George W. Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy

David Frum’s Conservatism that Can Win Again (because this shit sucks!)

Stephen Colbert: ‘Re-Becoming’ the Nation We Always Were

Mr. Spock’s Vulcan Logic and Other Things the GOP Doesn’t Get

Okay, okay, I made up the Sullivan one.

Bozell: The Washington Post killed trees to report, in earth-shaking depth, how the Rick Perry family had leased a hunting property where once, the N-word was painted on a rock, and never mind it was the Rick Perry family that covered it with white paint.

Zano: We kill virtual trees here at the Discord and the earth-shaking usually begins right after we huff the paint.

Bozell: Chris Matthews smeared Newt Gingrich, saying “He looks like a car bomber…He looks like he loves torturing.” Matthews thought Newt was also polluting the civil discourse. “Ever since he appeared on the national scene, politics has been nastier, more feral, too often uglier.”

Zano: That’s an insult to car bombers! I actually love Newt Gingrich. My thesis on Megalomaniacal Moon Base Miners would not have been the same without his keen insights.

Bozell: Then late in the cycle came the dark horse, Rick Santorum. He emerged and was slaughtered. Former New York Times editor Bill Keller sneered he “sounds like he’s creeping up on a Christian version of Sharia law.”

Zano: Yes, there are similarities between Christian fundamentalists and Islamic fundamentalists. Imagine that. Besides, by the end of his first term, Santorum would have made sweater jackets mandatory. Gasp.

Bozell: The only one who seemed to miss his own special episode of When Journalists Attack was Mitt Romney. But when he emerged as the nominee, all bets were off. The Washington Post published a 5,400-word “expose” documenting the shocking revelation that teenaged Romney just may have pinned a boy down and cut his hair. In 1965.

Zano: You missed the point, sir! 1965 was precisely when people were letting down their hair, and their morals. And his act did not only effect that boy, but his act symbolically Flowbeed a Nation! This incident occurred one year before Hair: The Musical. Romney personally tried derailing the Age of Aquarius in favor of the train of totalitarianism! Okay, I don’t know what that means either…it’s the meds talking.

But Romney was anti-hippie counter culture, anti-anti-establishment, and anti-elongated follicles. Under Nixon, he actually questioned questioning authority and, when young Master Romney got older, the best part of his ideology trickled down Reagan’s economy!

Sorry, I used that one before, but it gives me a Matthewsian thrill up my leg.

Bozell: Despite the news media’s infatuation with him, Obama rarely reciprocated. Instead, he hop-scotched from one flippantly unserious interview to another, from Leno to Letterman, from “The View” to “Access Hollywood.” When Obama did consent to interviews with “news” shows, it was more of the same, with embarrassing fawn-a-thons from Charlie Rose at CBS and Brian Williams at NBC.

Zano: Let me guess, you wanted them to ask him the tough questions….like about all the scandals the GOP made up? How about this: if Obama becomes involved in a real scandal and the main stream media ignores it, then you can bitch. Bitching first and spending all of your energy looking for scandals will do nothing to avoid the fiscal cliff. These are distractions—distractions with little to no merit…er, kind of like your candidates. Hey, that’s like connecting the dolts.

Bozell: Even the September 11 attack on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya – which resulted in the deaths of our ambassador and three others, and the subsequent, and ongoing serial dishonesty of this administration in its refusal to take a lick of blame for the scandalous lack of security, and the refusal to help the men in need — has been brushed under the rug to help Obama. The only man hammered on that issue was Mitt Romney.

Zano: Serial dishonesty? There was one word changed, the day of the attack, due to recommendation by the intelligence community…so serial? Could you imagine if Rice had ignored the advice of the intelligence community? What is your argument here, you senile old SOB?! Sorry that was for McCain.

Back to Bozo:

Have you heard the term projection, sir? An example of serial dishonesty is the run up to the Iraq War. Intelligence failure, my ass. When inspectors are on the ground pleading, “Hold! Wait! There’s nothing here!” and you bomb anyway, face it, you just wanted to kill people, you murderous incompetent boobs!

Let’s play a game: try to find a Republican axiom not built on a false assumption. So far I’m not very good at this game. It’s all delusion, delicately and lovingly sprinkled with bullshit (Flunkin Donuts?).

Bozell: This passage from Peter Baker of The New York Times says it all about Obama’s press avoidance all the way to Election Day: “Nor has Mr. Obama faced many tough questions lately, like those about the response to the attack in Benghazi, Libya, since he generally does not take questions from the reporters who trail him everywhere. Instead, he sticks to generally friendlier broadcast interviews, sometimes giving seven minutes to a local television station or calling in to drive-time radio disc jockeys with nicknames like Roadkill.”

How can you read that and not think journalism is roadkill?

Zano: I actually agree with this one statement (parade date to be set soon!). But that’s why I have been critical of Fox News and MSNBC for a long time. But how can you complain about the Left and not notice the worst offenders? How does the GOP invariably jump over the news to find the nonsense? Your own media and radio personalities make Lindsay Lohan seem well adjusted. I have given up on the GOP policing themselves, so soon there’s going to be a huge gap left by Republicans. The Grand Old Canyon? So, I nominate the Transcosmetic Party and their leader, The Ghetto Shaman, to lead us to a new age!

I love the Republican version of a scandal. “When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him…yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!” I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

Here’s the three biggest Obama “scandals” broken down for you into tiny vitamin-fortified chunks of pseudo-journalism. Yes, my pseudo-journalism is light years better than anything the Right has to offer, sadly.

#1: Benghazi (not to be confused with Ben Gazzara, or Buckeroo Banzai, or anything meaningful)

Wow. Researching this sucked. What a joke…a joke without a punch line. Since I’ve given up watching Fox News, I think the GOP has spent many a late night devising devious ways to lure me back into their dark, pathetic world. Here are my conclusions:

Blogging sucks! I’m going back to my first love, midget porn. I love those little guys. Anyway, the Republicans couldn’t make a scandal over the lead up to the Benghazi embassy attack because, umm, they’re the ones who denied the requested security funds. Oops. And that’s a shame, because it’s the only place a small scandal might reside. As for the post Benghazi scandal, umm, I couldn’t find one. I only found scandals of mass distraction.

The post embassy attack argument involves the wording of the Administration’s press statement. The jokes around the internet lead one to believe Obama ignored all kinds of stuff and then four people died. Umm, this timeline of “misinformation” occurred AFTER EVERYONE DIED. Your joke’s time line is the only joke. This “scandal” is about how we referred to the attackers after the fact and why. Hey, let’s call them Smurf Tacklers. Our embassy was once again assailed by those fucking, towel-headed Smurf Tacklers. Is that going to bring back the dead? Was it “extremists” or “terrorists? Whaa? I would hate to be killed by terrorists, but extremists will be extremists…forgive and forget, right? What could possibly be Obama’s motive behind a cover up?

Prior to the election, 18 minutes of tape was recovered, wherein you can clearly hear President Obama saying to Vice President Joe Biden, “Umm, when Americans die by terrorists it’s an embarrassment and we could lose the election, so let’s call the attackers extremists… heck, those extremists kill our ambassadors all the time, the little rascals. Say, have you heard about midget porn, Joe?”

The Right is calling this Ben Gazzara-gate. Damnit, now I’m doing it! Meanwhile, Obama himself did call the attacks an act of terror…the next day. Proceed Governor. So these assholes used the video-triggered-riots as cover. These “terrorists” not “extremists” didn’t, as the Administration explained, “spontaneously” attack but “opportunistically” attacked the embassy. That’s the whole scandal, brought to you in both regular and HD.

Sooooo, the GOP’s next Watergate involves extremism vs. terrorism and spontaneously vs. opportunistically. I think Obama should step down, right now; his administration obviously has no idea how to use adverbs effectively.

So, of course, the attacks were linked to the dozens of other embassies overrun on the same day. If the GOP can’t connect those dots, we’re going to need some bigger dots. That is why the attack fell right on movie-trailer night. They used the riots as an excuse…you know, to do the old fake yawn and reach around thing. You think this just happened at the precise moment all of those other embassies burst into flames? Damn Smurf Tacklers! To figure out the odds of this being a coincidence even Mr. Spock would have to whip out his abacus (they use those in the future—to count the extraordinarily high number of real Republican scandals). Amidst the initial reports, it made perfect sense to say there was some link, even if Petraeus immediately suspected—operative word suspected—a more coordinated terrorist attack was behind this.

What are you people smoking? I can understand if you all lived in Denver or Seattle. Why don’t I understand your scandals? Or any of your other points for that matter. The only way any of these Fox News talking points will make it into the history books is under the heading: Would You Get A Load Of What These People Thought?! That’s going to be the only historical chapter any of you will even remotely recognize. For the rest of the book you’ll be going, but that’s not what happened, but that’s not what happened. Umm, sorry, that is what happened. The rest of us are stuck here dealing with something called reality. You should try it some time.

Every time I have to read about this right wing bullshit, research this bullshit, write about this bull shit, I find out it’s nothing but lumps of male cattle manure, aka, bullshit!! I think the GOP needs to pay me for every hour I waste on their…whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Could you imagine if Bush was a Democrat? His corpse would still be in Wyoming, dangling from Teddy Roosevelt’s chin.

This was a terrible tragedy and it happened because one man and three Navy Seals worked in Libya, right after a war, during a vacuum of power. They had dangerous jobs in a dangerous region of the world. You know what’s a real scandal? When nearly 3,000 Americans died in our own country, while our President kept reading My Pet Goat. That’s a slightly larger intelligence failure, no? But in Bush’s defense that’s a really good book.

I’m sure there are lessons to be learned from this, but here’s a lesson no one’s talking about—a shirtless FBI agent was able to check the CIA director’s email and bust him for having an affair. Can you say “the Patriot Act broke shit”? I knew you could. Hey, there’s a real scandal. Imagine that…hidden right in a pile of your own bullshit emerges a real scandal…er, a Republican one.

If the wording does matter in the press release, it’s because they were tracking this terrorist cell and had real work to do. Here’s a likely Petraeus hearing excerpt, “Uh, we we’re tracking that terrorist cell and changed the language accordingly and, yeah, she’s a nice piece of ass so I tapped that shit,” and, “Yeah, we thought about calling them Smurf Tacklers, but Zano blew that one, which is the outing of an important bad guy designation…which is almost as bad as misusing adverbs.”

Well, I’m sure it will go down something like that. You know how this is going to end, right? Obama will find those responsible, as he tends to do, and then someone in the intelligence community will come forward and say we changed the language as not to tip them off. Of course, Romney would have said everything to keep the Foxeteers “informed” and, in his frustration, after failing to bring those responsible to justice, he would eventually have bombed our own embassy in Jordan. That’s called the Republican model (masterbait and switch?).

Let the intelligence people do their intelligence! You know what doesn’t have the word intelligence in it? The GOP. This isn’t about embassy security and never was:

“That’s not the debate the current GOP wants to have. Because they are not actually interested in government so much as in politics. And rather than figure out why they have strayed so far from sanity, and lost the support of an entire generation, they wallow in paranoia and conspiracy.”

—Andrew Sullivan

This is part of the ongoing, never ending witch hunt that I like to call Pin the Fail on the Donkey. On the Zano scandal scale of 1 to 10, let’s call this a 0. It’s a nice round number. Hey, but when actual facts emerge, like perhaps a few more misplaced adverbs, this might rise to the level of a 1! Wow. Touché witch hunters. Remember, 427 Bush scandals are higher than that, but who’s counting? No really, I don’t think they can even count anymore. Have you seen their economic policies?

Yeah, they suck. And they need to go away now, so people can cover something called news. Yeah, that would be swell.

#2: The Fast and the Furious (not to be confused with the movie, or a real scandal)

For those not familiar with this scandal, watch Fox News. They will be happy to explain it to you during each and every single news cycle….well, when they’re not covering Ben Gazzara-gate. Damnit! Republicans have two choices on this one:

1. People don’t kill people, guns do. This is a switch from their usual rhetoric. A drug dealer shot a border patrol agent, so if the gun itself is the issue, then it stands to reason guns kill people. So every right wing person across the country must turn their guns in to the Obama Administration for processing. Hey, I hear you can get food stamps for them in one important fictional program. Sooo, you’re saying this dirt bag would not have found some other weapon? Hey, when U.S. guns are not available smugglers tend to use rocks, paper, or scissors when crossing the border. Hey, don’t laugh, paper cuts suck…and such mules are sometimes known to run with those scissors. Gasp.
2. Oh, you don’t like that one? Here’s your other option. A douche bag drug dealer shot a border patrol agent and there’s no scandal. Sorry, you must choose. You can’t just keep bending logic into an f-ing pretzel. Granted, this program was really ill-conceived, but guess who conceived it? The Bush Administration. Obama was in office only six months when a continuation of a Bush gun-running program went awry. I think those first six months Obama was focused on the gazillions of jobs lost every minute as well as the utter collapse of our stock market. I could be wrong, but this was probably not even on his radar. Believe me, I wish he had halted all things Bush until they could be reviewed and, for the most part, disbanded…because Bush, if you recall, was a jackass.

So either no scandal, turn in your guns, or blame Bush. Whatever floats your boat. This was a bad program and I think some of the blame lands on the door of the Obama Administration, whether or not he had other priorities, so let’s call it a 2. But remember, 198 Bush scandals ranked higher than that…er, including this one. Let’s give Bush a 4 for inventing and implementing such a program in the first place. Okay, we all know it was probably Cheney.

#3: Solyndra (Solyndra Green it’s for people!)

Sorry, that’s an old joke, but it never gets old for me. In fact, the first soylent green factory did receive stimulus funds. Talk about a real scandal. Check out the Discord coverage here. Sorry, miles ways. Here’s a letter to Mr. Obama regarding Solyndra that explains everything:

Dear Mr. Obama,

I am sending you a stern letter about losing tax payer dollars on the closing of the Solyndra plant. As you know, if we use solar energy fifty-miles of the Mojave Desert could supply enough power for nearly half the country. You need to invest more in solar, sir, it might save our collective asses, but we need to figure out how to get the power to where it’s needed. Moving the stored power is the only thing blocking this incredible opportunity ; the rest of the technology already exists. That’s your moon shot, sir. Make it happen. Invest more in solar and let’s beat China this time!

Sincerely,

A person with a clue.

Solyndra represents a clear ideological divide in this country. One group thinks such a thing as “clean coal” exists and the other group has something called a pre-frontal cortex. However, losing tax payer money on this deal to the tune of $529 million brings this scandal up to a 1.5, which could be rounded up to a 2 in some math classes. More than wind energy, I believe solar is the answer to our future energy independence. You know how you can tell it’s the answer? Republicans are against it. Works every time.

All this bullshit started under Clinton. Our own Mr. Winslow nailed it in his last feature here. They relentlessly went after the Clintons, when the poor guy was doing a relatively good job. You know which president really could have benefited from constant scrutiny? I’ll give you one hint, it rhymes with tush.

Remember Whitewater? Remember they pegged the Clinton’s as organizing a hit on someone? Yeah murder charges…and remember how all of that turned out to be bullshit? Some things never change. But, in the end, a woman and a cigar brought that man down…so someone going down brought him down. Yep, the old—who gives a shit?—banging the intern scandal. We all want to bang the intern, maybe not her specifically, but metaphorically. The Clinton scandals also fell into two main categories, who really cares? and does anyone really fucking care? Who cares who bangs who? But it’s all they ever have. Meanwhile Bush scandals irreparably damaged us all…you know, the ones they still haven’t identified yet.

And, sorry, but I am done reviewing Bush scandals. They are extensive; they damaged the very fabric of our checks and balance as well as our Constitution. Several Bush scandals were impeachable offenses, several others were felonies, and a couple carry the death penalty. That’s not an exaggeration. These were terrible, terrible scandals and, more importantly, they were based on reality! They are scandals we, as a nation, have yet to fully recover from…and may never. The GOP glosses over treasonous, execution-worthy shit and jumps right to blow jobs every mother f*&^ing  time! ARRrrrrgg!

Meanwhile, the Petraeus affair will be prosecuted by a Republican, who ten years from now will be embroiled in his own infidelity scandal. Same as it ever was. I have tried to advise the GOP and the Tea Party and, of course, they didn’t listen. If they had, maybe they wouldn’t be such laughing stocks right now. But I’m done helping. Keep up your BS, elect increasingly dumb candidates, hang your Norquist flag around your necks, and hopefully we’ll purge the last of you in the next mid-terms. Let the party die. Who knows, maybe that could be an opening for the Transcosmetic Party? Maybe then two higher perspectives can duke it out instead of spending all of our time researching phantom scandals and cattle midden. Democratic scandals are footnotes and Republican scandals are felonies. I would be happy to cover a real scandal, but as for Obama’s first term, he hasn’t had any. I am not saying these can’t blossom into scandals, but as for what we know right now, you got half of nutin’. The usual.

Here’s your last hint: this is not an Obama Teflonic issue, this is a GOP moronic issue. I am STILL waiting for them to be right about something. Are they doing this on purpose? If so what is their motive? Are they spontaneously dense or opportunistically dense?

I realize this was too hard hitting and made waaay too much sense for the average Foxeteer’s delicate sensibilities, but I’ve figured out how to immediately restore their baseline. Just stare right into this light. You’ll see a little Fox logo in there and then there will be a bright…

FLASH!

There you go. All purged. Now you can resume your collective trajectory toward the fiscal cliff. Good luck with that.

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

Before we hail the Obama victory, just how did 57 million people vote for Romney? Is this bubble really popping? I doubt it. Let’s focus on those dubious days leading up to the election, particularly, the whirlwind of drivel bandying about the internet. I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama and NewsBusters on Facebook (one D one R). I am not suggesting these are journalistic sites, but the social site meme is interesting. Even in the trenches, the Right clearly won the “screw reality” award. The Republicans ongoing cognitive dissonance is legendary, and who better to identify discordant ideas than The Daily Discord?

The “information” from NewsBusters and their ilk fall into three general categories:

Tactic 1: Total Bullshit:

Also known as “we already invented an imaginary narrative”, let’s simply repeat it ad infinitum until people believe it. These are falsehoods dressed as subjectivity. For example, this showed up from NewsBusters on 11/4:

“A former aid to VP Biden has written a ‘tell all’ book. Hmm… is Biden an even bigger idiot in private?”

—Jodi Miller

If you ask half the country if they think Joe Biden is a walking idiot, you will receive a resounding yes. Fox News and Drudge repeat this underlying theme over and over again. Is Biden gaffe prone? Yes. Is he a blowhard? Yes. Is he dumb? Hell no. He’s one of our most informed VPs in recent history. Dick Cheney, meanwhile, was an evil genius. Folks outside the bubble can differentiate between smart and dumb, good and evil, regardless of their political affiliation.

Take Jon Kyl for instance, one of AZ’s Republican senators…no really take him. I think he’s leaving anyway. This man is a barely literate bumbling fool. In an effort to help bring along a smaller government, he even started the Politician’s Name Shortening Initiative and then promptly changed his name from John Kyle to Jon Kyl. Yeah, he’s that dumb. I have heard this man speak on many occasions and there’s simply no other conclusion one can draw. But, his Republican partner in crime, John McCain, is clearly an intelligent man. Sure he picked Palin, but only to pursue his dream of joining the Mile High Club on Air Force One…in style (the taking of Palin 123? Wait, that was a train, wasn’t it?).

Meanwhile, the GOP defines everyone on the left as dumb and wrong. They can’t distinguish a Jon Kyl from a John McCain. Oh wait, Senator Kyl talked him into his initiative, so now it’s Jon Mcain. By the same token, the Right can’t seem to tell the difference between a Rosie O’Donnell and a Barack Obama. They are liberal, so they are both dumb. They seem devoid of even basic observational skills. Obama and Biden are not dumb, period. If they are so dumb why did they win every debate? …er, well the ones they showed up for. So it stands to reason your guys are dumber, right? Oh wait, reason is another liberal conspiracy. Of the last twelve presidential debates the GOP won only two of them! And the other one was Cheney wielding a 17% approval rating. This tally is not a coincidence. It’s meant to be an intervention.

Tactic 2: A Barrage of Bullshit that Sounds Important:

It’s like discussing the overall deficit numbers without discussing the policies that created it. The Examiner recently broke down our costly Republican policies here. It’s utter hypocrisy to blame Obama for every dime of the last five trillion. History certainly won’t.

Three days before the election the image below was sent to me on Facebook via NewsBusters—a group busy busting news into tiny shards of sensationalism. Hey, that’s our job! I usually read what NewsBusters sends me, but it almost invariably doesn’t make any sense.

So they are comparing the economy at the end of the first Bush Administration to the end of the first Obama Administration? Gazillions chimed in how damning these numbers were to the President. Do I need to explain this? Okay, let’s activate your dormant hippocampuses for a moment. Let’s try to remember something called recent history. This graph skips the whole Bush Depression. Bush started with a surplus in 2000, Obama started with a shit storm that makes Sandy seem like a librarian’s fart. In fact, there is no meaningful comparison. In 2004 Bush was still blowing through the last of the Clinton surplus by invading the wrong country. Remember? Tell you what, four years from now let’s compare the last Bush day V the last Obama day. That will be damning all right (Hint: not for Obama).

The GOP has created all these false narratives and has successfully built an entire ideology on a tower of false assumptions. One key example, they rank Obama’s presidency as “the worst ever.” If you talk to any Foxeteer they will all say, in unison, “Definitely, without question, Obama is the worst ever!” They say this even though historians and scholars still rank him highly. The Right seems to have blocked out the whole W thing (cognitive Busshonance?). At least when I lost eight years I called it college.

“Hey, if you don’t stop talking about Bush, how can we reinstitute his mind-numbingly destructive policies?”

—Mitt Romney

Umm, that’s actually why I keep mentioning him, Mitt. Check out the same list to see where scholars rank W (hint: he looks up to Nixon). I don’t think Bush is even going to be eligible for one of those Futurama head tanks. The Right has a selective memory bordering on a dissociative disorder…well, it does explain why Romney kept channeling Sybil on every issue.

Tactic 3: Take a Kernel of Truth and Make Popcorn:

This is what showed up four days before the election on this Book of Faces:

“Emmy Winning Former CNN Journalist, Amber Lyon Blows the Whistle, says she has proof that CNN is paid by the US government for reporting on some events, and not reporting on others. The Obama Administration pays for CNN content!!”

—Mario Murillo Ministries

This is the type of story where I invariably take the bait. I think, “Wow, maybe they have something this time.” Keep in mind so far their score is roughly 0 for 1,364,997, but you never know. It’s like when you lick your finger and stick it into a socket thinking, maybe this time the power won’t be on. Bill Maher has addressed this phenomenon. He will dismantle the argument of some Republican or another, point for point, but then there’s always this one tantalizing piece of evidence they throw out that makes you wonder. Maher later researches this one intriguing hunk of red meat and then reports back that it’s a complete crock of shit. Dig down into the heart of Republicana and there’s nothing there. It’s my quantum-vacuity theory; it’s the invisible elephant in the room (Seinfeldentalism?).

Okay, so the first link to this CNN scandal takes you into the exciting WordPress blog world of one Mario Murillo Ministries. Don’t go there, really. After that first quote, here’s his other deductive gem:

“CNN is paid by the US government for reporting on some events, and not reporting on others. The Obama Administration pays for CNN content.”

This was the type of shit flying around the net right before the election. But I see there’s a real reporter there from CNN and the original coverage is by Glenn Greenwald. I like Greenwald and even quote him here sometimes. So, shifting out of the bubble, I read his story over on The Guardian, then the CNN rebuttal, and then Greenwald’s 2^nd rebuttal. Excuse me while I lick my finger again and…..OUCH!

Umm, if you read the actual coverage it’s between CNNi (international) and the government of Bahrain. Somewhere between these two entities a decision was made to bury a certain documentary. So this is not our government, as fundamentalist Fred suggests, it’s Bahrain’s government. They seem to have dictated something to CNN International and it worked. It is an interesting read and there is a real question as to why CNN refused to air their own documentary. As for the reason? No one knows. Oh, and Obama is never even mentioned in the article. This is a device often employed by the GOP called Moronic Hyper Extrapolation (MHE). MHE…we don’t make the scandals, we just make up the scandals. I really think there’s something here, but right now it’s a mini-scandal for CNN, not Obama (hint: scandals that involve the President will typically mention him).

Hey, you want to see a real scandal? Search George W. Bush and….no, that’s pretty much it.

The danger is this: if a real Obama scandal emerges it will be fed through the Drudge filter, lovingly turned into fecal matter, and will then be dismissed by any person with a reading comprehension level above a turnip. My main concern remains, they could actually bury a real scandal—and may have already—during this perpetual information manure-glazing procedure (IMGP). Benghazi anyone? I don’t believe anything on Drudge or Fox News anymore and that’s certainly part of the reason.  I’m a Blogstradamus comparatively. Meanwhile, remember that time Dick Morris or Bill Krystol was right about something? I can’t. I cover stories that pertain to this planet, which gives me a clear advantage over the competition. Meanwhile, the GOP is doing a real disservice to reality…and the kicker is, as I’ve said before, they don’t even have to live here anymore!

When I say objectivity is dead on the Right, we’re talking missing-limbed, zombie after the headshot dead. Thankfully, more and more folks are taking notice of this phenomenon, like the electorate. Check out Salon’s take on the Right’s decent into madness. The Left is a mixed bag, for sure, but the GOP hasn’t gotten anything right since…when do they think the world was created? Somehow they remain a proud defiant party, despite their record, despite their candidate, and despite their last primary round—which closely resembled my psych unit…er, just before the court-ordered anti-psychotic injections arrive.

Romney’s tax plan and entire economic “strategy” assumed there would be a 4% growth in GDP. This will not be any industrialized country’s reality anytime soon. I disagree with Fareed Zakaria’s recent rosy assessment of our recovery. See his take here. We are still on the verge of a double-dip, a fiscal cliff, and I am not ruling out at this time the possibility of a Greenspan swirly (those are the worst).

But Romney’s plan also assumes that trickle down/supply side economics works, despite any evidence. Last week, the GOP tore down the findings of this non-partisan congressional research study. Their findings suggest the GOPs economic worldview makes about as much sense as a Kansas ski trip. But, there was such an outcry when this research was presented, the GOP had it removed….yes, removed. They had to, because it flies in the face of their prime mis-directive. What next, Zano posts? Okay, bad example; Mr. Winslow wants to take those down already.

Obama is a progressive when it comes to healthcare and green energies, which simply means he understands our future needs in a way Republicans can’t or won’t. Economically he’s walked the razor’s edge between high deficits and a double dip recession. Meanwhile, the GOP will almost immediately fall right back into any ditch—and, if there isn’t a ditch to be found, they will commission to have one dug (more shovel-ready jobs?).

“I cannot even begin to see how a conversation can begin. We have different experiences of reality. But that’s why, I think, this election is so fascinating. It will, by default, offer us a direct take on the majority’s perception of reality.

—Andrew Sullivan

Before the election the coalition of economists backed Obama, albeit barely. As I’ve said before, I want to know what a poll of a hundred economists think. Similarly, I want to know what a hundred climatologists think about climate change. The Right isn’t interested in a professional’s opinion. They are only interested in someone spewing like an Enron champagne fountain (have a Koch and a smile?). They want to know what a hundred people watching Sean Hannity think, which is an oxymoron by the way.

But what was Romney’s appeal? How did such a disingenuous man almost win the presidency?

“Evidence continues to emerge that Romney is one of the most dishonest, duplicitous candidates to ever seek the presidency.”

—Charles Blow New York Times  

I am not going to rehash all the mistruths… Mr. Winlsow fears it could crash our server, but Spitzer has one theory:

“The president’s first term dealt well with the immediate crisis of economic cataclysm but not with trends of declining middle-class income and security. People are unhappy. And when alternatives appear with promises, no matter how empty and unfounded they may be, people will give them a long look. The anxiety about our future that has allowed Mitt Romney a seat at the table is what will drive our politics for the next decade.

—Elliot Spitzer over on Slate.

Some would say the Right needs something called perspective, I would say…they need a clue. The threats of the Right about obstructionism before Election Day sucked—or, as Dan Savage put it, “We are no longer a democracy. We’re a hostage situation.”

But make no mistake, Romney would have driven us over the fiscal cliff…TO SAY NOTHING OF THE GREENSPAN SWIRLY!!

My hope is that after this election the Foxeteers realize a couple of things:

1. Do I just happen to agree with everything espoused on Fox News, even though the majority of it has been discredited?

2. Wouldn’t a return to facts and pieces of information deemed useful to people on this planet be more helpful toward solving our collective problems?

Either way their condition is, despite all rhyme or reason, deteriorating. I can’t wait for 2016, Hillary Clinton V Tree Stump. Well, tree stump does give a good stump spee…sorry.

How does the GOP still think they’re a competent party? By all accounts, it seems the Foxeteers are intent on remaining in a world of their own creation. Can this election change that? Will they even accept the electoral college results? Someone said on election night the only thing the GOP understands is losing. GOP I hope so.

You know why it’s often a “shock poll” over on the Drudge Report? …because the polls they tout are invariably bullshit. Many in the GOP called for a Romney landslide…the night before the election! Shitmentum, I think they called it. It’s like their filters now have filters. They look at the world through Drudge-colored glasses. After the election Matt Drudge displayed the Liberty Bell to portray a divided country. Umm, I’m afraid history is going to pin this shit on you and your ilk, Sunshine. But I do not believe this will be the Fall of the House of Rove. An Obama reelection is only the first round of chemo.