I would rather be inside a besieged embassy right now donning a certain Danish cartoon T-shirt than discussing Benghazi again, but if six months of endless headlines haven’t really netted you anything meaningful, please stop. People with a reading comprehension above a squirrel don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Make love not scandals. Besides, new scandals are emerging with teeth. Clue Alert: they’re being covered by something called “the media”.

Republicans have successfully painted a four year narrative that brings Obama down to the level of Satan. Bravo.

And perception is reality (ask Joseph Goebbels). There are scores of people in Real America who think this week’s events mark Obama’s 27^th, 28^th and 29^th scandal, respectively. He’s losing the War of Ideers’. No wonder he’s desperately trying to fund education.

Here’s what we’ve learned after covering Benghazi since the late Pleistocene:

The State Department and the CIA had a difference of opinion on how best to present the embassy attack to the media. Wow, deep linguistic stuff involving verbiage.

“You have to bend yourself into several pretzels to even understand what the Benghazi thing is about. All the emails Obama And Turkish PM Erdogan Meet At The White House released show what amounts to a classic inter-agency conflict, resolved dispassionately by Ben Rhodes, in a period of considerable confusion.”

—Andrew Sullivan, The Dish

Or, as the GOP put it, “Impeach Obama!”

This has been a witch hunt from the get-go. Here’s the recap of the Hillary witch trial:

1. It’s the lead up to Benghazi! No wait, we blocked the security funding for that.
2. It’s what Obama didn’t say the next day in the Rose Garden! Oh, wait he called it terrorism. Shit.
3. It was…oh wait, the independent investigation found no wrongdoing.
4. Wait, I know! In hindsight, we could have saved those people! Really? …we couldn’t have?
5. Umm, I got it, they’re hiding the truth!

…which I addressed recently here:

“Yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened over there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies…glitter and MFing bunnies, people!”

—Mick Zano as Barack Obama

I can’t wait to hear the rest of the alphabet. This isn’t about keeping future embassies safe. The truth is the Obama Administration is being PC. They are quite averse to creating terrorism through ignorance (QTTI). Abu Ghraib likely created more terrorists than Bush ever captured or killed. Obama, not one to repeat a mistake, wants to avoid spiking American hatred in the Middle East needlessly. In fact, that’s a primary reason I voted for him, or…glitter and MFing bunnies, people!

Meanwhile, the GOP is calling this Watergate. They were calling it that before the…umm, nice-Libyans-who accidentally-killed-us even left the embassy. I guess they just smelled a scandal.

Fun Fact: frequent meth use can result in olfactory hallucinations and can permanently damage one’s sense of scandals. Have that checked out.

“[T]he one advice I give to Republicans is stop calling [Benghazi] a huge scandal. Stop saying it’s a Watergate. Stop saying it’s Iran Contra. Let the facts speak for themselves. Have a special committee, a select committee. The facts will speak for themselves. Pile them on but don’t exaggerate.”

—Charles Krauthammer

Later Roger Ailes pulled Charles aside and said, “Psst. We don’t do that here but, don’t worry, our viewers don’t seem to notice.”

“This whole thing with Fox (on Benghazi) would be funny if it weren’t so damaging. A lot of people only watch Fox News, and while it’s easy to mock Fox for being so reality-deficient, so clearly wrong so often, the fact is for millions of people Fox is their sole news source.”

—David Weigel, Slate Magazine

Yes, there is something under this stone, and it’s you! The biggest part of this “scandal” is an email from the State Department that turned out to be doctored bullshit, here. And, even if the initial reports of this insidious wording proved true, it would still rate a whopping:

Scandal Level raised to who gives a flying F—?!

I am not making light of this situation, but after reading dozens of related articles, if we do run out of helium I think this scandal could be a backup source. The real story, as usual, is how fewer and fewer republicans exist outside of the bubble. Did you ever see The Blob with Steve McQueen? I envision the last few sane republicans currently holed up in that old fashioned diner.

Think of me as a GOP-stopper. George Will and Peggy Noonan, two individuals I once respected, have officially joined this bubble of non-reality. I agree with Sullivan on this one, their conclusions from Benghazi are “unhinged”.  So the GOP just lost another 10% of their clout. Hint: that’s about all they had left. Good thing they don’t believe in math.

Benghazi should be about learning from any mistakes and making future Americans safer abroad, nothing more. Every point the republicans are trying to make on this subject is, and remains, semantics. When similar shit happened under Bush…well, take it away Juan:

“By the way, does (Paul) Ryan always consider attacks on US embassies a sign that an administration’s foreign policy is blowing up in our faces? For instance, if the US embassy in Athens, Greece, was attacked in 2007, would that have been an indictment of George W. Bush’s foreign policy? What about if the US embassy in Serbia was burned down early in 2008? If the US embassy in Sanaa, Yemen, were attacked in September 2008? If the US consulate in Jiddah, Saudi Arabia, was attacked in 2004? What if thousands of anti-American Iraqis were regularly demonstrating and even shelling the Green Zone in Baghdad where the US embassy is in 2008? Did all that mean that Bush’s foreign policy, the most recent foreign policy outing of the Republican Party, blew up in our faces, according to Ryan?”

—Juan Cole

And I’m sure after each of these attacks, which Bill Maher claims totaled 13, Bush told the people all the details accurately and concisely—within seven or eight seconds after each incident. Well, after he put down My Pet Goat. Hey, it was just put onto Kindle then and he was at a good part.

I never covered a word about those attacks, why? Well, for one I was still working on my GED, but I understood how other parts of the world are dangerous. Deep stuff. Besides, we had plenty of real scandals to contend with at the time.

On cue, here’s the shit hitting the net:

Meanwhile three of these do not reach the level of scandal. They certainly don’t reach the level of significant scandal, and the other two broke five minutes ago. The GOP doesn’t jump to conclusions, they immediately warp to the planet Methane. Sorry, Star Trek is in theaters.

Here’s the Cliff Notes on past Obama “scandals”:

Solyndra – Please invest more in solar power, sir, but try not lose money this time

Fast & Furious – Why did Bush start such a program? Only six months into office—and dealing with two wars and the worst financial collapse since the great depression—I guarantee you this wasn’t on Obama’s radar. But, sure, let’s not do that anymore. In fact, since we’ve been running arms through multiple countries for the last fifteen or so administrations, maybe we should stop that.

Benghazi – Huh? Whaa? Can I be reimbursed for all the bullshit articles I had to read? I found more meat at that vegan donut shop Bald Tony took me to in Vegas.

And, if I made a similarly cute little Bush scandal cartoon:

1. I could not fit them all on such a small picture.
2. I would not need to invent any.
3. I would be forced to narrow it down to huge scandals, some warranting impeachment, others the death penalty.
4. Oh, and Bush was directly responsible for these scandals—none of this ‘other agencies misbehaving’ crap.

The good news is the GOP is convinced Obama is directly responsible for these new scandals so David Corn, channeling yours truly, came up with this great tweet:

“Dick Morris says IRS scandal could lead to Obama’s impeachment, which means it won’t.”

Yeah, I should sue for plagiarism, but instead solidarity, brother! Since you can set your watch to their wrongness that means Obama will likely skate.

Irony Alert: Only if the GOP started to defend Obama will he resign in disgrace. 

To imply this stuff is impeachable—especially when one considers what this bunch let slide under W—is astounding. Meanwhile, the IRS thing has yet to be linked the White House. If a connection is found, Obama is in big trouble. That is not the case today, nor am I predicting a connection will be made. But that won’t stop the GOP. I can’t wait until they get desperate:

Fox News Alert: A guilty mid-level IRS accountant, not only voted for Obama in 2004 and 2008, but he visited a city in Kenya believed to be Obama’s birthplace.

Impeach!

Fun Fact: most people with an education, aka, college professors, IRS accountants, journalists and the like are generally not huge Tea Party fans. So I’m afraid that’s going to spill over into shit now and again like British Petroleum engineer on mescaline.

Am I excusing the IRS’s behavior? Certainly not—heads should roll and will. The only valid scandal at the moment is the Associated Press thing, which is directly linked to the one big, real, scary problem facing our liberties. Hint: it’s the one I’ve been warning about for a decade or more.

This includes Obama’s secrecy, the treatment of whistleblowers, no oversight for drone strikes, no habeas corpus, and the expansions of executive power which are straining our system to the brink.

So you want to impeach Obama for the AP scandal? Sorry, what he did is legal. Is it extreme? Yes. Is it pretty scary? Yes. But this shit is now a tip toe through the tulips for big bro. In fact, it’s known as the Gonzales Special in the beltway. What the Justice Department did is permissible under law. Check my 2010 article, Funny Thing but Breaking Something Called the Justice Department Might Have Consequences for Something…er, Called Justice.

The only thing that may bring down this whole house of cards is Eric Holder. Cheney would have handled this situation thusly:

“It’s legal, I’m keeping you safe, so shut the F-up”

—Dick Cheney

I have had only one staffing suggestion for Mr. Obama over the years, lose Holder. He’s an idiot. It’s one of the only four valid GOP points in the 21^st century, though the other three escape me.  I have no idea why Obama is sticking with him and it may yet be his undoing.

“Someday you (Obama) will thank us for this expansion of power.”

—Dick Cheney

Apparently that day is today:

“Thanks, Dick.”

—Obama

Here are the dots—and if only the GOP had the wherewithal to connect them. Our problems stem from the FISA Amendment (2008), The Patriot Act (2003), and the utter Politization of the Justice Department (2005-2007). The very things that signified the end of any semblance of our liberties.

The Bushies and Foxeteers got this shit to pass post 9/11 with a two-pronged approach:

1. Vote for these or you are not patriotic.
2. We need these tools to keep your sorry asses safe.

And they all fell for it. These items were all nearly unanimously supported by the GOP. Who was in charge then? I’ll refrain from saying the B word, but with all the histrionics and blather from the right, did any one of them really see this coming? Did they understand what they were voting for? Maybe the Pauls did and certainly the Zanos, but I’ll try not to strain anything patting myself on the back.

I said in 2008 “Obama will have a coronation, not an inauguration.” And I predicted he would not restore the rule of law (many times on this site)—nor will anyone for that matter.

GOP translation: You’re wrong, Zano!

Granted, I am not as angry with Obama as I should be, but once these expansions occurred while fighting a nebulous, endless war…it was over. It still doesn’t make it right, but you don’t run for president if you don’t like power. I’m not giving Obama a free pass, I’m just being realistic.

You didn’t think the shit Bush broke would have consequences? Could you imagine this power in the hands of a Tea Partier? Or back in the hands of another Neocon like Cheney? Cheney, if you recall, downloaded all of Google and was later discovered—not hunting down Al-Qaeda with this info—but checking up on his political adversaries. All legal like. And someday the republicans will return to power and I rue that day, as should we all. A republican president with this power is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night…well, that and meth.

Here’s what I wrote a couple of weeks ago, right before these latest scandals broke, here:

“The GOP believed something which turned out to be bullshit. Then the GOP believed something else which turned out to be bullshit, and while everyone was fixated on this aforementioned bullshit, we completely missed ___________ which, as it turned out, had profound implications for our liberties and our future.”

I could have focused more on the real problems if I hadn’t been chasing Rep. herrings for the last four years. Critiquing the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity is a fool’s errand. I was actually working on the first part of this post, the Benghazi part, when these other scandals surfaced. Meanwhile the Right feels somehow vindicated. Finally, they have scandals to discuss with people outside the bubble.

News Flash: climb the F-back in the bubble!

We need Republicans weighing in on current events like the Dow Jones needs the Ryan Plan. Ninety percent of the GOP is still suffering from Gross Insight Deficit Disorder (GIDD). Far too many republican views are shaped by a fear of out-members, as covered here, and an unswerving ability to support all of society’s sociopathic and suicidal tendencies, here. Until they address their own shortcomings how can they help?

Actually, pains me though it may, it’s time we worked together on addressing this expansion of power.  It’s a huge issue regardless of who is in the White House. It’s been exceedingly tough to focus on the meaningful when nearly half the country is obsessing over the trivial. Instead, let’s all focus on restoring the rule of law. If we can pull that off I would be very happy to write that retraction. I just don’t know how the Foxeteers can ever climb out of the ideological hole they’ve dug for themselves.

Okay, here it goes…I am reaching across the aisle right now and hoping to God I don’t hear another clown horn.

Look, just remember, the other two Obama scandals are hot off the press. Let’s take a page from the Hammer of Kraut and see where the investigations go. Watching the GOP pursue a scandal is like watching North Korea develop a missile program. You want the truth? You can’t make up 758 things and then expect to find the truth. It’s like finding a Beetle in a Sleestack.

Wow…that is the single worst groaner in Discord history. Mr. Winslow could shut me down for—

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

Yes, the Republicans are only protecting the Constitution for their perceived in-group members, aka, they don’t remotely understand the Constitution (see: the Patriot Act). In this cultural context, I realized the sheer number of illiterate Nugentinians out there would derail any such efforts, no matter how common-sensical or benign. Usually the Republicans are the ones who miss these social cues, but the prez didn’t read the tea party leaves correctly on this one. I don’t get the sense Obama really understands who he is dealing with yet. Like Cheney before him, he only seems to be watching the favorable press these days.

If you recall, I couldn’t bring myself to support Obamacare either. You won’t hear this from the GOP, because it’s true, but out-of-control healthcare costs is one of the biggest problems facing the middle class and small business owners today. We certainly need something like the Affordable Care Act but, my concern remains, how do we implement such a thing during a very fragile recovery? I also agree with Republicans on this much: I don’t have a whole lot of confidence in supersized bureaucracies. I work in one and it makes Sean Hannity seem like Lex Luther. Other countries can pull off universal healthcare, but we’re fast becoming a country of the ‘very special’ variety. Ultimately, I think we’ll get there but it’s going to be messy, Lindsay Lohan messy. And, regardless of the details, it will never pass muster on the Right. They will cite every poor person’s death as some Obamacare nightmare. I can see the Drudge headlines now:

Obamacare Strikes Again: Man Dies on Medical Floor after Being Denied Procedure!

Never mind that in Matt Drudge’s world the same man would have died in the lobby, after failing to be admitted for lack of funding. And, not to mention, that kind of thing already happens every hour in America.

Dear GOP,

Valid points…isn’t it time you made some?

Sincerely,

Reality

Similarly, I warned Obama about even mentioning gun control. My reasoning then was:

A. It’s not the right time amidst this environment of fear and ignorance.

B. If forced to a vote, such a bill might purge even more moderates from our red states, and why accelerate the GOP’s radicalism?

C. Like a certain Cardinals quarterback, it won’t pass.

Forget gun rights for the moment, Mr. Obama, we need to be focusing all of our energy on avoiding a double dip recession—an event I called immanent some time ago. I’d really like to be proven wrong on this one.

Here’s the 2^nd Amendment coo coo roll call:

Due to a delicate balance of ignorance, lobbyists, and propaganda, there’s a very small but vocal percentage of our population who believes it’s essential we arm our criminally insane with loaded Uzis. This minority is well-funded and well-represented in Congress. After all, that was the founding father’s vision, right? It makes sense…in the same way Jesus only wanted his followers to protect embryos and stem cells, not people. And even more disturbing, this is the same group that won’t fund any of these Uzi-toter’s Haldol injections.

Bumper sticker alert:

Make Guns Not Haldol

—The NRA (in conjunction with James Holmes, Adam Lanza, and Jared Loughner)

“I’m not blaming the guns, I’m blaming the greedy assholes who make the guns.”

—Mick Zano

So how does the only armed group die out, you ask? Well, here’s my scenario:

The Republican dies during a shootout with a Charlie Manson type while I’m hiding safely in a nearby tree. I don’t underestimate firearms, but the GOP always seems to underestimate avoidant pacifism.

Obama nailed it last week when he endorsed Mental Health First Aid. This training, started in Australia, teaches folks how to identify a psychiatric emergency, as well as the subsequent DOs and DON’Ts while encouraging the individual to seek professional help. Living in Arizona during Loughner’s rampage, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if someone earlier in his life had pointed him toward the nearest mental health center. I’m talking to you Marcus Bachmann.

Admittedly, I haven’t been doing well when it comes to handling Republicans. I keep challenging their delusions, which is a big MHFA no no. So instead of poking more fun today, here’s a national hotline 1-800-GOP-HEAL.

Most of our killing sprees have more to do with our underfunded mental health system and our ignorance of mental health disorders than any political affiliation. Both sides have been shameless on this point and, as usual, each party can only seem to recognize the other side’s hypocrisy.

“Normally, terrorists tend to be to the far right.”

—Chris Mathews, MSNBC

The Boston bombing occurred because: “Obama is disengaging from the Middle East.”

—Brian Kilmeade, Fox News

And, yes, it’s another case of dumb and dumber. Chris Mathews quote goes against my understanding of spiral dynamics as liberalism tends to attract more terrorists, but then not to be out-dumbed:

“The fact Fox News is still allowed to comment on foreign policy issues is a testament to our 1^st Amendment rights; the fact people still listen to them on this topic is a testament to our stupidity.”

—Mick Zano

On the flipside, there’s a growing number of libs who believe no one but the army and the police should own firearms. These are the Michael Moore’s of the world and I am sorry to say one of my heroes, Bill Maher, is among them. Both of these views are equally absurd. I think the majority of our country is wrong on this issue.

Now let’s add to our tally those who are too young or too disinterested to care about gun rights and we find, sadly, only about four people in the U.S. are making sense on this issue. So if my math is correct, the Ryan Budget works! (Ha, ha, ha…kidding). But, what it does mean is the majority of this country is seriously 2nd Amendmently impaired. This includes our president, who should have taken my advice and gone golfing instead.

Hearing the GOP complain…well, it’s like having the head of your local Home Owner’s Association sporting a car graveyard on their front lawn. Fix yourselves first, or stop commenting about my unkempt hedges!

Or, as The Ghetto Shaman put it:

“I’m just growing them out so I can eventually shape them into a middle finger, bitches.”

—The Ghetto Shaman

A recent Gallup poll found only 4% of the country believes gun control is our number one issue. Of course, this was immediately translated by the batshit Right as:

“Only 4% of the county thinks gun control is important.”

—The Batshit Right

Yeah, I guess there’s only one topic allowed per administration. Hell, I wouldn’t even place gun control as the most important issue of our time, but is Gallup the problem? No. It’s the people who immediately distort the meaning. This isn’t about some Huffington Post interpretation of an issue three months later, this is about the systematic and blatant misconstruing of any given study, topic, or event before the ink even dries.

So CNS—the stepson of the Media Research Center, who I creamed last week here—read this Gallup question, What do you think is the most important issue facing the country today? and they came up with this headline:

Gallup: Only 4% of Americans Think Gun Control is an Important Problem.

CNS is not alone, dozens of websites now have it framed this way. I don’t even know which was first. I can’t find nearly this much flagrant misrepresentation of facts on the Left. It’s as if Democrats alone have cornered the market on something called reading comprehension.

Fact: 90% of our country favors background checks, or as Bill Maher put it, “Even some of the people who wouldn’t pass a background check are in favor of background checks.” This 90% number came from something called Politifact.com, not delusionalGOP.org.

Which brings me to this point: the GOP came late to the internet, they came late to Facebook, hell, they came late to just about everything…but if I were forced to decide on the most pressing issue facing our country, it would be the dire need for the Republican Party to reform. Why, you ask? Because information on the Right starts on Fox News and degenerates faster than the Ghetto Shaman at a bacchanal. In other words, if left unchecked, it effects every other topic. We can no longer afford to look through this Republican fun house mirror before addressing each and every issue!

(Breath.)

But, on the issue of gun control, the Left annoys me as much as the Right. There are tons of good reasons to protect our 2^nd Amendment:

1. Overturning it in its entirety is never going to happen and is not even advisable.
2. People have the right to hunt and skeet and continue any number of other related hobbies.
3. People have the right to protect their families and property. Home invasions are not fun.
4. It would be a real issue if we handed over every gun in the country, and here’s why:

Number four needs some explaining. When a Republican says, “I don’t trust the government enough to hand over my gun” the Left has been dismissing this with something akin to:

“The government has drones. If you try to take on the government you’ll be blown to smithereens.”

There are a number of future possibilities for our country and most of them are not rosy. Let’s say we go broke and no one is paying the military anymore, so it disbands. What then? Do we really want to be one of the only easily occupiable countries on the planet? What about a great cataclysm that leaves parts of the world defenseless or isolated? Do liberals really think there’s no chance of our government going completely bankrupt, or completely Dr. Evil? Or what if the unthinkable happens and our military is somehow defeated? I am afraid we are moving into a time of great instability (for other unstable time periods see: Earth History).

Here’s some other reasons:

1. An invasion of radioactively enlarged bugs. THEM! THEM!
2. An invasion of radioactively involved reptiles (you get the idea).
3. A Zombie apocalypse
4. A Bachmann Administration
5. A Palin Administration (you get the idea).
6. A Twilight marathon. Believe me, I would need a gun.

If we survive long enough, we will gradually become a more peaceful species. But that is not the case today, not by a long shot (pardon the pun).

The two most likely scenarios for our future demise are:

1. Climate Change Related Upheavals (CCRUs).
2. A revolution fueled by our increasing disparity of wealth.

So, yet again, the Republicans aren’t even discussing these. But, if and when a revolution does occur, a firearm may come in handy…especially during Twilight: Breaking Dawn. That one was the worst.

What are we to make of the likes of a Ronald Reagan or a Margaret Thatcher? We have trouble understanding what happened in yesterday’s news cycle, let alone decades ago. For instance Thatcher headed the Inquisition and started the Black Plague, while Reagan was most known for implementing alternate-street-parking here in the states, right?

There’s a good reason the Left is not blindly rubberstamping the Thatcher legacy. There’s a point behind their recent Senate shenanigans. Do I agree we should block a resolution honoring a former prime minister of England? No. But, on the flipside, should we unconditionally praise a divisive figure? Post Reagan, we should never sugarcoat that shit again…EVER!

First, I need to get this off my chest. On a recent Real Time episode, Bill Maher officially reached Zano-disgust-levels (ZDLs). In the middle of a debate, Maher smacked down Republican Stephen Moore’s circular argument on Climate Change.

(The end of this Real Time dialogue is paraphrased due to a rampant laziness our readers have come to expect.)

Moore: I’m the one who wants to debate this; you’re the one who doesn’t.

Maher: No, at some point science reaches a consensus and then shifts the focus to what are we going to do about it? Do you still want to argue whether or not the world is flat?

That’s what the GOP wants. They want the conversation to continue, until it’s too late. Yeah, only 95% of climatologists worldwide agree the planet is warming, not 100%, so let the debate continue! Never mind the fact we know who funds those few remaining naysayers. Hey, let’s take a Fox News poll on our planet’s future, because those folks have shown so much insight in the past.

Do you think the U.S. will lose its competitive edge with China if we address Al Gore’s climate rants?

o Yes

o No

o Fuck Science

Fox News: Fair, Balanced, and I’m Afraid!

There’s zero understanding of how science actually works on the Right. I predicted The GOP’s Climate Change “strategy” long ago:

1. Deny reality as long as possible to keep raking in the cash (Koch and a smile?).

2. When Climate Change becomes undeniable, blame natural Earth cycles (Operation Shit Happens).

3. Keep pointing out that even if we change emission standards in the U.S. other key countries won’t, so why bother (Rapture for Dummies).

Great plan. The children of the world thank you for your courage and insight (aka, greed and ignorance, or the Full Thatcher as they call it in the UK). This view is stunning when you place this into the context of our pending extinction. I could not agree Moore with Maher (sorry). The debate is over.

Similarly, when addressing other topics, I only read those few Conservatives left with a clue, which I can now accomplish during my coffee break—okay, half of my coffee break. And sorry Matt Drudge, adding endless bullshit examples to your sick worldview doesn’t make it any less false. But, on the bright side, more and more GOPers are identifying their own party’s need for reform. Here’s someone channeling yours truly:

“It’s not just the comforting delusion that he’s a golf-mad dilettante, but also the reverse-negative image of that delusion—that Obama is a not-so-secret Marxist Kenyan with dictatorial ambitions and a nearly limitless appetite for power. That caricature makes it far too easy for Obama to laugh off the legitimate criticisms of the kind of political leader he really is.”

—John Podhoretz, Commentary

This is another of my key points finally echoed by, of all people, a neo-conservative. At least a few voices of reason are emerging from the cesspool (CHUDs: Cannibalistic Humanitarian Underground Democrats?).

History already supports 90% of George W. Bush’s mistakes but a similar percentage of Obama’s criticism is proving false. This is muddying the waters of political discourse. The latest outrage on the Right is Thatcher-gate. Last week the Senate allegedly blocked a Resolution honoring Margret Thatcher. Well, in the Dems defense it was Honey Boo Boo night.

I don’t really know what’s going on with the Senate blocking resolution thingie (SBRT); the only source is the Heritage Group, aka, there is no source. Meanwhile, Andrew Sullivan is showing his conservative English roots and singing Thatcher’s praise over at The Dish. And, in Thatcher’s defense, it seems with the situation in England at that time—which was almost a complete merger of government and business—her shot of Ayn Rand had some positive effects. Of course, it came at a heavy price.

Look, I used to be all for the whole don’t-speak-ill-of-the-dead-shit premise (DSIOTDS), but there’s consequences for getting things wrong, as we have seen over the years in news cycle after Fox News cycle. Face it, the Iron Lady has a mixed legacy, much like Reagan’s or Obama’s. Here’s Juan Cole’s take:

“The hatred for the late Margaret Thatcher, former British prime minister, among a broad segment of the British public has manifested itself in visible and undeniable ways in the week after her death, but these are not highlighted on American television. The status quo corporate media are afraid of admitting that policy-makers who favor the rich and punish the middle and working classes are deeply hated by the latter.”

Glenn Greenwald discussed the danger of simply singing Kumbaya when a controversial figure passes. Namely, a long time ago a similar event birthed a bouncing baby delusional ideology known as modern conservatism.

“—the week-long tidal wave of unbroken reverence that was heaped on Ronald Reagan upon his death, an episode that to this day shapes how Americans view him and the political ideas he symbolized. Demanding that no criticisms be voiced to counter that hagiography is to enable false history and a propagandistic whitewashing of bad acts, distortions that become quickly ossified and then endure by virtue of no opposition and the powerful emotions created by death. When a political leader dies, it is irresponsible in the extreme to demand that only praise be permitted but not criticisms.”

—Glenn Greenwald, The Guardian

If only more Democrats had spoken out and denied such a false and damaging narrative (Reaganetics?). The GOP still believes a lot of the shit they concocted during Reagan’s funeral—shit created from their own tears, prejudices, and cognitive deficiencies. Here’s what another Guardian type said last year about Thatcher.

“Across Britain Thatcher is still hated for the damage she inflicted – and for her political legacy of rampant inequality and greed, privatization and social breakdown.”

— Seumas Milne

Or as the GOP calls it, “The free market works!”

In other words, “Ding Dong the witch is dead!” Kidding. But let’s face it, the Foxeteers wouldn’t even know who Thatcher was if she hadn’t once made a famous slam on socialism.

We need to honor an old lady’s passing with dignity, but we also have an obligation to tell it like it is. So let’s talk realistically about what happened, while avoiding any ding-dong disrespect. You know, like how the GOP will handle Obama’s funeral. HAH! This will be Obama’s legacy:

The GOP believed something which turned out to be bullshit. Then the GOP believed something else which turned out to be bullshit, and while everyone was fixated on this aforementioned bullshit, we completely missed ___________ which, as it turned out, had profound implications for our liberties and our future.

Here’s another Greenwald slam on Hannitizing history:

“If anything, it becomes more compelling to commemorate those bad acts upon death as the only antidote against a society erecting a false and jingoistically self-serving history.”

—Glenn Greenwald

I remember watching some of the endless footage of Reagan’s funeral and thinking, “WTF?!” This was before WTF existed, but I thought something similar, perhaps BWTF. I said at the time, wow, they’re really creating something out of nothing with this one. Hell, the Iran Contra scandal was still fresh on everyone’s mind, which was a much, much more significant than Benghazi and the Fast & Spurious combined. Reagan also helped create a group known as Al-Qaeda to fight the Soviets. That worked out well. But I’m sure if Obama did the same thing, the GOP would have let that slide. I also knew, even then, that unless you’re a fan of high deficits Reaganomics sucked.

Reality Alert: Obama may yet pass Reagan’s presidential ranking. And make no mistake, Reagan’s legacy was pumped up during that week of endless processional blathering. Dems have remained silent in the past during such passings, which in retrospect was a huge mistake. Never give them an inch, because the GOP will take an ideological mile. We will fight them in the hills and the beaches and the landing grounds. That was Thatcher, right?

At the time, I thought Reagan’s trumped up funeral was harmless enough, after all, we were honoring a great actor. But the bubble of non-reality on the Right has a direct link to that month long ceremony. Conservatism had nothing to brag about before Reagan and they still don’t, so they created a false legacy. You have to have something to cheer about and it’s much easier to just make shit up than deal with the fact that we suck and our ideas don’t really work on this planet (win one for the Fibber?). Reagan’s funeral helped to create a collective delusion, which, among other things, may yet destroy us.

I missed the significance at the time, but in my defense, I wasn’t a blogger then or even particularly interested in politics—but nevertheless I blew it. I’m not willing to make that mistake again.

On that note:

“Bedtime for Bonzo was not Reagan’s best work.”

—Mick Zano

There, I said it.

What? Too soon?

We should no longer allow anyone, anyone to run rampant with revisionist history. We’ve seen the effects first Hannity, or…

Dear Republicans,

If over the last half a century Reagan is your only high point, you suck.

Sincerely,

Reality

The age of making nice-nice when a controversial figure kicks the bucket is over. Long live the age of truth. Kidding! We are still amidst the Age of Bullshit, but at least some of us are taking notice and, more importantly, taking notes.

Oh, and Mr. Winslow reminded me that when Reagan died (circa June 2004) we were together in Harrisburg, PA at a Kentucky Derby party, after which the Triple Crown was awarded to a horse named Smarty. So, of course, I came up with the headline, “Dying Dummy Ruins Big Day for Smarty.”

Hmm, maybe I did get it back then. In fact, that might have been the very kernel that started The Daily Discord? So something good did come from Reagan’s legacy after all.

Never mind.

I love picking on the Media Research Center (MRC). I chose not to put mock quotes around the word “center”, because they are the center…of insanity. I am a subscriber so I never miss one compelling post from the heart of the paranoia realms. For me the MRC, headed by Brent Bozell, equates to endless hours of free entertainment. Yeah, this is one media watchdog group that should probably be put down as rabid.

Anyway, let’s begin:

“From the Fast and Furious gun-running scandal to the murder of four American diplomats in Benghazi, to the Obama Administration’s disastrous economic policies and war on religious liberty, the liberal media have orchestrated an intricate censorship campaign designed to keep Americans in the dark about the most pressing issues facing our nation.”

—Brent Bozell, The “Media Research” Center

Mock Interview Alert (MIA):

(aka, the translation)

Bozo: From the Fast and Furious gun-running scandal to the murder of four American diplomats in Benghazi—

Zano: —also known as What compelled Bush to start such a program? to Why did the GOP block security funding for our embassies? Granted, I don’t think these are exactly feathers in Obama’s cap, but they would certainly be listed as achievements in the Bush Library (hint: they’re a little desperate for some. Hey, but I did find the Enhanced Interrogation Wing (glub, glub, glub) a little watered down. In fact, I can hear Ari Fleischer now, “Giving guns to Mexican cartels saved countless American lives.”)

Bozo: —to the Obama Administration’s disastrous economic policies!

Zano: Sorry, call me liberal, but I prefer a slow recovery to a depression (Hint: disastrous economic policies tend to happen before any given global economic meltdown). This is the new norm, as I predicted way back when, here.

“Clearly a second Obama term will be no picnic. Unemployment will remain high for years to come.”

—Mick Zano

The GOP really thinks that by cutting the shit out of everything, all at once, we will create jobs. Operation Job Creation Via Layoffs (OJCVL). Sure some cuts have to happen, but there’s no precedent for job creation during a recession through austerity measures only (see: Europe…in fact, see: Earth history).

Did you know the Right is trying to use the European “recovery” as an example of why they are on sound economic ground? In downtown L.A. I think there’s mastodon on the corner of La Brea and Wilshire familiar with such firmness.

Bozo: (the rant continues) —and (Obama’s) war on religious liberty!

Zano: Bullshit. There are a few people at the ACLU who need to take a chill pill, for sure, but they act as the only fodder for the Right on this topic. I wish the ACLU would stop their inane crusade. Hint: if you are on the wrong side of a Fox News argument, disband. Maybe it’s time to start the National Civil Liberties Union? We need an entity that focuses on shit that actually matters to our civil liberties, not pursue pointless crusades—that’s Bill O’Reilly’s job. I agree with Fox News types on 1 out of 10 issues, but this is one of them: the ACLU, in its current form, is a waste of tax payer’s money.

Meanwhile, in an effort to usurp Michael Moore, Michael Bloomberg has snatched the liberal coo coo crown (LCCC). That’s the difference. Libs tend to identify their coo coos and ostracize them accordingly, while the Right perpetually promotes and coronates their least insightful. It’s why they keep descending into the abyss of propagandic wrongness. Not to be confused with the Pit of Despair, the Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity, or the Gorge of Eternal Politicism.

Look, this country was founded on religious freedom, so relax rightwing peeps. No one is going to stop you from being less insightful than the rest of us, or even stop you from packing heat for that matter. Granted, there are some liberals who would disarm us outright. I do not agree with this premise. There are far too many Republicans around for that.

Unfortunately for the believers in this country, we are entering the Age of Atheism. I’m sure just coining that phrase gave Richard Dawkins a woody. This new age is going to slap religion around a bit, for sure, but it’s okay…religion likes it (see: The Inquisition or Sado Messiahcism). This period brings with it both great opportunity and great peril, much like any Discord barcrawl.

But don’t worry. If your faith is strong, you’ll still make it to Nirvana, Heaven, or the Happy Hunting Grounds or wherever your spiritual afterlife flights are currently booked (please return your snack prays to their full uptight positions). Meanwhile, on the flipside, many find fundamental religious views repulsive—thus the ACLU’s crusade and the rise of scientism. At the mention of the word scientism, I’m afraid Mr. Dawkins is suddenly having some blood flow issues.

Sorry for the tangent, back to Bozo the Frown:

Brent Bozo: The liberal media have orchestrated an intricate censorship campaign designed to keep Americans in the dark about the most pressing issues facing our nation.

Zano: Umm, how do I say this judiciously?

Dear GOP,

You can’t make up issues and then wonder why people aren’t covering them.

Sincerely,

Reality

I believe the most pressing issue facing our nation is your list of concerns facing our nation, Mr. Bozell. Your only relevant concern involves our broken economy, but you take no responsibility for your part in it. I watched you on Fox News over the years, Mr. Bozell, making mistake after mistake. There’s blood on your hands and culpability for Bush’s spending spree. Start there please, before you lecture anyone about anything.

Whereas my fears, ranging from Monsanto to Climate Change, are going to someday have huge implications for mankind, your issues will be footnotes that will only trigger mucho brow furrowing (MBF). Our world is struggling at the moment for reasons that will never resonate with your ilk. The GOP’s paranoid reinterpretation of my reality is what I find so disconcerting—next Twilight movie release disconcerting. Notice there’s no talk of drones in Bozell’s rant. My take on one of the only relevant Obama scandals here.

So here’s where you can sign The Media Research Center’s petition to Stop Censoring the News and here’s where you can back the Discord’s initiative for the GOP to Stop Making Shit Up. Yeah, that link only brings you back to our homepage, but, as it turns out, a spoof new site on the Left has way more credibility than anything the Right (see: The Maher/Stewart phenomenon). I for one think that’s a problem. The bigger problem?  The Right doesn’t seem to think that’s a problem.

Of course Mr. Bozell endorsed Hagel’s ridiculous grilling during his Secretary of Defense nomination. Bozell and others felt due to Iran’s support for Hagel that he is nothing shy of a Muslim Brotherhood supporter. Here’s the actual quote from Iran’s defense minister at the heart of the controversy:

“We hope there will be practical changes in American foreign policy and that Washington becomes respectful of the rights of nations”

—Ramin Mehmanparast

Make sense? Well, more than anything Bozell said thus far. I am not siding with Iran, I just don’t think we need to be less insightful than a batshit theocracy—nor do we need to become one. Someone’s Tweet on the Hagel debacle said it best:

“The GOP asked all the wrong questions, and Hagel avoided all the right questions.”

Hagel had to dance between realities. Our Secretary of Defense needed to acknowledge a fantasy world, created by the GOP and perpetuated by Fox News, before he could assume command. It was painful to watch.  I am no foreign policy expert, but I am light years ahead of our GOP on almost any given foreign policy topic. I’m not okay with that.

But as for the silver lining:

“I see Hagel’s nomination as the natural evolution of Obama’s slow but relentless shift of US foreign policy from neoconservative dogma to conservative pragmatism (with a few small splotches of idealism). Of course, the neocon fanatics are threatened. As history unfolds, their catastrophic ideology will come to seem the temporary and horrifying exception, not the new rule. And when a member of their own party helps advance their consignment to the dustbin of failed ideologies, you can see why they are having a conniption.”

—Andrew Sullivan

In the GOP’s defense, I understand they are constantly bombarded with information that supports their imaginary worldview. It happens on the Left as well, just not to the same depths and degree…er, and I can tell when the libs are blowing smoke. I just feel the Right’s attacks on the Left are based on a different focus, ideology, and set of values. But with the Right, I am not only questioning their ideology but also their methodology. Nothing is based on anything but lies and/or hatred:

Rachel Maddow = opinion & facts

Sean Hannity = opinion & lies

For today’s Republican it must be kind of like living in North Korea, minus all the valid information.

Yet some remain hopeful:

“Well, now it’s happening to our house, and it is we who are being tested: Do we dare confront our own radicals? It’s not enough to have greater wisdom, greater tolerance, and greater patriotism if you don’t also muster courage, endurance, and will to win.”

—David Frum

As I’ve been saying all along, calling out the batshit aspects of the GOP would go a long way to reform…er, but unfortunately that includes everyone but David Frum. He’s been echoing my concerns as of late. Here’s his latest over at the Beast, Why the Rush to Sell Gold Coins is Drowning Out Real Critiques of Obama. If you want to know where Obama is really messing up, put down the clown horn, get Bachmann back on her meds, turn off Fox News, and start reading folks like David Frum.

Even Red State is starting to get it:

“Conservatives must start telling stories, not just producing white papers and peddling daily outrage.  The stories we choose to tell should have all the information we need to be informed of facts and paint a picture of those facts’ impact.”

– Erick Erickson

Of course as it relates to the GOP you can take out the word intellectual, or as I put it in a recent joke:

GOP Denies Collapse Of "Conservative Intelligentsia" "Hell, we don’t even know what that means"

Intelligentisa was from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, right?

And I’ll wrap this post up with some classic Harris:

“The Internet powerfully enables the spread of good ideas, but it works the same magic for bad ones—and it allows distortions of fact and opinion to become permanent features of our intellectual landscape.”

—Sam Harris

…but, again, you take out the word intellectual.

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like…well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

I’d like to say I’m happy they finally identified this very real civil rights problem, but naaaah. They’re simply against all things Obama, never mind the fact their precious Patriot Act is the real culprit here. My precioussss. But let’s give Rand Paul some credit. He’s playing the libertarian card well with his recent protest, but one week earlier the majority of the GOP blessed the drone program. What the Pauls understand, but the rest of the GOP doesn’t, is the Patriot Act is at the heart of the problem.

In 2003 ninety percent of the GOP backed the Patriot Act. Yeah, they built that shit; they supported that shit; they loved that shit long time…um, until the black guy said, “Hey, what’s this? Can I play?”

Fast forward to today and each and every game Obama is making a number of three pointers on Al-Qaeda’s leadership. But in Bush’s defense, he did hit a foul shot once…oh, sorry, I’m being told that was an orphanage.

When Habeas corpus was indefinitely suspended in 2003, I remember yelling really loud. Yet no GOPers said a word….er, except Rand’s dad, Ron Paul. And I applauded him at the time too. But once you give up the right to an attorney and to due process Cheney’s secret prisons, secret police, enhanced interrogation techniques, and yes drone strikes anywhere on anyone becomes possible. Most of the Bill of Rights from that point forward became null and void.

Mem-mories…of that time you screwed the pooch.

Will Republicans have any meaningful revelations before their Revelations? Hey, I have an idea. Why not take off all your clothes and climb into a time bubble and go back to about 2002 and say to your younger selves, “Come with me if you want to vote!”

That’s why you never give that shit up in the first place. Under Bush’s Patriot Act, if you were deemed an enemy combatant or just darn unfriendly to our government, umm, you’re gone—moderate-Republican-type gone. Speaking of which, you know who’s hostile to the government? Ninety percent of all Republicans. Mr. Obama, I believe you know what to do.

As for what the GOP fears, whatev. They have the insight of a water chestnut after it’s been turned into a Panda Express entrée. I’ll have the orange chicken hawk, please.  Look, when Ron Paul was bitching about this shit, the Right called him a kook. I remember this period and they apparently don’t, or as I like to call it…the usual. So it was constitutional then but it’s unconstitutional now because it’s being utilized effectively? Republicana remains completely devoid of any logical threads whatsoever, in fact, somewhere Socrates is ordering a double hemlock.

A reader recently commented on the subject:

“If this was going on with a republican in office you would be screaming that we are turning into a fascist state and Hitler was reborn, but there isn’t a peep out of you.”

Peep Alert:

2003 there were three people in the nation bitching about the Patriot Act, yours truly, Ron Paul and Russ F’n Feingold. And Russ never returned any of my sexts (probably because they didn’t exist yet).

I predicted no one, D or R, would ever restore the rule of law (2003), and mentioned it several times on The Discord (one here).

Then three weeks ago—just before Rand Paul’s last, er, rand—I said:

“And the one major thing going astray on his (Obama’s) watch, in this case drone strikes, they can’t even recognize as a problem.”

—Mick Zano (article from way back in February 2013 here).

So this is immediately translated as, why don’t you get it? The main hint that I get it is the fact the Foxeteers don’t think I get it. Get it? Works every time.

Then the reader goes on to ask why I haven’t “prepared myself for the collapse of the country.” (Flashback alert.) Actually, knowing shit about stuff has afforded me many more years of paranoia with which to hoard and gather beer and…er…well, see “beer hoarding”.

Look, I am happy the GOP is not speaking in one voice anymore, but now they need to stop listening to the other one in their heads. I know you all despise the government, but you can block out their signals with a simple aluminum foil hat. I would prefer to focus on our biggest problem, the GOP. Almost every major disaster at home or abroad can be linked to them. Case in point, Dictionary.com has added a picture of our 113th Congress after the word dysfunctional.

Check out my article from 2009 Why I’m Planning to Stay in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat bugs. Bugs are an excellent source of protein and it really helps if, while you pop them in your mouth, you talk like Renfield. If that fails try some garlic and butter.

Wow, I reread that article and it contained some of my harshest criticism of Obama to date. Maybe I have given up on the whole rule of law returning thing, maybe I have drank the liberal Kool-Aid? Sure I predicted this, but why roll over and play Dem? Why? …well, because it’s better than the GOP’s Kool-Aid. That shit makes Jonestown’s taste like a bottle of Château Guiraud. At least some of the Dems policies and approaches have made sense to me over the years, which incidentally beats a resounding “never” from across the aisle, or as I put it last week:

“I’m sick of reaching across the aisle and then hearing a clown horn.”

—Mick Zano

That’s been my main point—having one party that never seems to make sense, regardless of the issue, isn’t working out horribly well. And if you look at the Dem’s missteps over the last fifteen years, we would still have a country. Add the Republican missteps to the mix and…

“So long and thanks for all the Fox.”

—Douglas Adams

The most recent Obama scandal is Woodward-gate (hey, that’s funny). Back in the day I had a modicum of respect for Bob Woodward. When he came out with his shitty book Bush at War I let it slide, but now you’re siding with those on an almost unprecedented wrongness streak? Geeh, I wonder how this one will turn out for you, Bob? I’m going to go out on a limb here…badly. Here’s the quote at the heart of the Woodward bullying controversy:

“I know you may not believe this, but as a friend, I think you will regret staking out that claim.”

And regret you will, sir. I’d wager most of the Foxeteers never heard the actual quote. I’ve been listening for it but real news on Fox is strangely elusive, like The Ghetto Shaman on urinalysis day.

Of course to the Foxeteers the actual quote is a “talking point” as they suffer from an advanced stage of afactophobia. There it is! A fact is scrolling across the marquee! AhHHhhhh! Squish it! Squish it!

I haven’t heard the whole Woodward quote on Fox News and I was listening for it. I only heard the bullshit extrapolation, over and over again. Who knows? Maybe Woodward did feel threatened, but if you offer the above quote as your only evidence…umm, Bob, you might be a Foxeteer.  Face it, you liked the access and the cash and to keep it you eventually traded in your soul. You went from uber-journalist, to journalist, to pseudo-journalist, to Fox News Contributor.

Bernstein? Has anyone seen Carl Bernstein?…Beullerstein? Beullerstein?

But even after Woodward looked bad on this one, the damage was already done. Fox News doesn’t do retractions, so they made their political hay over the last couple of weeks and once the truth surfaces, no problem…they’re already focused on their next baseless claim. It’s what they do. In fact, it’s all they do.

Even When Comedians Catch Us Lying

We Don’t Do Retractions

I don’t think the GOP would be able to identify a proper scandal if it water boarded them and invaded the wrong country.  Oh, and for those political masochists among you I went in depth into all the old Obama “scandals” here.

Our biggest problem is not the deficit, it’s our Congress. Frum gets it:

“We hear good news about the U.S. economy every day: housing recovering, household deleveraging, etc. etc. The biggest threat to US prosperity, however, is distinctly Italian-style: the political dysfunction that brings us unnecessary fiscal crisis after unnecessary fiscal crisis.”

—David (soon to be ejected from the tent) Frum

Sure, let’s sequester. The Republicans have always championed the most irresponsible cuts and the most reckless path. For some reason I have also remained somewhat fixated on the GOP’s straw man argument as a sub-theme, which is roughly:

“If only someone wonderful would emerge to represent us!”

The Republican National Committee Chair, Reince Priebus, just said the GOP has an image problem, is all (as covered by Slate). Dude? How do you polish a turd? Look, if David Frum—one of the last of a dying breed of sane Republicans—had some kind of momentum I’d say there was hope, but he doesn’t. What none of them seem to understand is smart/articulate/and the words conservative values are no longer meaningful. Peeps are fleeing your tent faster than Chris Christie from a NYC convenience store. Drop the Big Gulp, sir!

Speaking of Christie, he has an almost unheard of 73% approval rating in Joisey. He is the perfect man to sell the GOP message. Now all they have to do is find one.  Oh, but he’s essentially been kicked out of the party too, so why are you still talking about Republican reform, guys? You’re getting C-fudge-PAC’d. Try something that might reach more people, like a Starbuck’s stich & bitch. You need to start something, in the immortal words of Monty Python, completely different.

Republicanism today stands for greed, ignorance, and an unswerving ability to conform to the prevailing prejudices. Who’s going to champion those causes? Oh, right, no one who could win a general election.

Marco Rubio can not save the GOP. Only a double dip recession will allow a Republican anywhere near the White House and by then this country will be tits up. When there’s no merit or substance at the root of any Republican cause, it means Rubio is facing a Herculean task. He would have better luck wresting that giant squid or cleaning up those stables. Jerkulese? If you want to attract insightful people to your party, invite Christie to the next CPAC and dump Palin.

Scandals: why they can’t identify any.

What I fear:

A. Terrible things that have already happened: (The Patriot Act, Citizen’s United, Torture, unnecessary wars, complete government dysfunction, the Great Recession.) I warned about all of these while they were happening, or prior to, but I admit I was thinking “depression” for that last one. So kudos, Mr. Obama.

B. Terrible things that are likely to happen: (climate change, continued mass extinctions, our inability to go transition to green energy, our government’s right to fill our skies with drones, Bush’s expansion of power will never be overturned, more Tea Party-style bond downgrades, an austerity only approach to our economy which will cause a double-dip recession, our increasing disparity of wealth will lead to revolution, and the release of future Twilight movies.)

What The GOP fears:

A. Things that will never happen: (The 2^nd Amendment is ending! Death Panels! Communism! Obama’s ties to the Muslim Brotherhood! Obama’s going to do away with term limits and rule us forever!)

B. Things that have already happened but who flippin’ cares? (Our demographics are changing! A Bush/Cheney style gun running program got someone killed! Obama’s wasting money on solar energy! Benghazi is a dangerous place! Faggots are teaching our children about tolerance! Colleges are making our kids liberals and smart and stuff! More people might be insured soon! AhHhhhhh!)

Get a grip…

The only thing the GOP has a point about is high deficits…er, created primarily by the GOP. Hey, and lest we forget, machines now do more of our work, yet we work longer, union-less hours further into our life spans for less money. Hooray Republicans! What do you do for your next trick?

Meanwhile, every second, the real money goes to fewer and fewer people. That’s actually happening, under D or R. So I want all the Foxeteers to look at the DOW, look at our increasing disparity of wealth numbers, and then look up the word socialism. Now smack yourselves in the back of the head.

A word on our 2nd amendment rights:

If you are not seriously mentally ill, or you haven’t shot anyone randomly in the face (Bush/Cheney joke omitted) you will always be allowed to carry a gun in this country…it may not be a bazooka, but if you all start bitching about enforcing background checks, I’m going to be forced to tell that joke.

Oh, and as for the bigger fish currently frying:

>

Someone with a high school level understanding of science should be able to look at this chart which covers the last 11,000 years on our planet—or the one I posted here about total peer reviewed studies on the subject—and immediately go, “Oh, guess I’ve been wrong about this one.” But they can’t…and that’s the story. This one is a tad important. For something that isn’t important, turn on Fox News.

Even if you’ve never seen these charts or understand them, the fabled Northwest Passage is now navigable for the first time in recorded history and sea levels are clearly rising. So even if you don’t believe science, do you believe your own eyes? Or, more importantly:

“Do you believe in life after Fox?”

—Cher

Yet the GOP remains impervious to reality. Humanity faces many issues, the ending of the 2nd Amendment in the USA is not one of them. If a decade from now the Earth gets 10 degrees hotter, one group would be saying, “It’s because we let faggots marry.” And don’t worry, I guarantee you—guarantee you—you will still own a gun with which you can shoot your face off before you starve or melt.

“From my warm, wrong hands”

—Wayne LaPierre

Dear GOP,

For the good of—not only this country but for mankind—disband.

Sincerely,

Earth

The GOP is always ALWAYS years behind on any given subject. Trust me on this, no one is going to reign in Obama until the freak show dies. They are a useless distraction at this point, like Congressional sessions and car blinkers.

People ask me why I keep covering the Right and not the Left. Well, one side has some journalistic integrity, the other has none. One side addresses some real problems, the other side either doesn’t or makes shit up. Even yours truly, a spoof news blogger, was reigning in Keith Olbermann years ago for his Hannityesque antics, here—as were many others on the left—and now he can’t get a job. Meanwhile his counterpart on Fox, Sean Hannnity, is king. And many key Dems are starting to question drone oversight here. I’m not saying they’re doing a great job but there is clearly limits to their madness and least some connections can be drawn to their policies and to something I like to call reality.

Yet no one on the Right can ever seem to reign in the Breitbarts of the world, except God I guess. Speaking of which, God can kill anyone abroad or on American soil without any oversight whatsoever.  Why do Republicans insist on defending this fascist’s deity’s behavior? Isn’t it time we identified our real enemy? God.

Due to their confounding rigidity of thought, the GOP has become an inept group of zealots almost completely devoid of merit. They remain a disgrace.

Or as Andrew Sullivan put it:

“No entity in our polity right now is more radical and revolutionary than the current GOP: their contempt for institutional custom knows few bounds when it comes to the short-term tactical possibility of impeding even a newly re-elected president, after losing the popular vote for the presidency, Senate and House.”

—Andrew Sullivan

The Foxeteers, the Fighting 26%, continue to ignore science, historians, and scholars and, more importantly, Mick Zano.  Good luck with that. But before I sign off I would like to take the time to thank the Republican Party…er, for not listening to me over the years. The entire GOP has dropped to a 26% approval rating. I think if every GOPer meditated once a day and read David Frum or Andrew Sullivan, for at least fifteen minutes, we could have rational conversations with them again. I know I give my friends on the right side of the aisle a hard time, but thankfully some of them seem to be drifting toward a “pox on both your houses” stance, which is a far more respectable position. Know hope.

“Obscure metaphysical explanation to cover their sick ideology and failed economic policies, reasons Drudged out of the shadows to explain away that which cannot be explained. Call it a parallel political plane or just insanity. Whatever it is, you can find it in the TwiRight Zone.”

—Rod Serling

(Not doctored in any way)

(Honest)

(Well, maybe a smidge)

You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

I know, I know, I’m covering the batshit Right again when I could be at the casinos, but we happen to be between ghost investigations right now and Cokie McGrath isn’t returning any of my phone calls…again. The way I see it there are generally four types of misinformation tactics flooding Republican-land:

1.Irrelevant Comparisons

2.False equivalencies

3.Revisionist history

4.Outright lies

This is not to say these tactics are completely absent on the Left, it’s just that EVERYTHING on the Right seems to fall into one of these four categories. Theirs is a land built on false assumptions, of shadow not substance, a land that lies closer to the pit of man’s fears than the summit of his knowledge, a land known as…okay, okay, I’ll stop!

The first tactic employed by the GOP is:

1. The Irrelevant Comparison:

The chart at right is not the one I originally saw on Facebook, I couldn’t find that, but it’s the same idea. It might be accurate, aka those numbers are probably real, but comparing the end of Bush and Obama’s first terms in this manner is truly meaningless. But it does get to the heart of the GOP’s delusion. To them the collapse never happened, to them we’re not heading for continued global economic uncertainty, to them overpopulation is not an issue, to them lowering unemployment is easily correctable (despite our country’s inability to actually make things anymore), to them we can frack our way to energy sustainability, to them climate change isn’t happening, to them a return to a 50s-style American nirvana is just around the corner. Next stop Willoughby! Sorry, if I sneak in any more of these Zone references you can wish me away to the cornfield.

Yes, the future is bleak, but it could be worse….

Instead of the economic collapse of 2009, let’s say there was a zombie apocalypse. So that chart above is essentially saying, “As part of Cheney’s covert Super Soldier Program a mutated virus went awry triggering a zombie outbreak. But when George W. Bush left office only a mere 3% of the population were zombies, but in the subsequent four years under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, 96% of the population of Earth became zombies! That zombie appeasing socialist! In all fairness to the Right, Obama’s campaign slogan A Brain in Every Mouth didn’t help matters (grey matter joke gnawed upon and then omitted).

See how that works? It’s a cooked book! It’s a cooked book! Sorry, it’s a Zone thing. Another related analogy might be comparing the economy of Hiroshima of 1944 to 1945. Very insightful but, umm, you’re kind of forgetting about the atomic Bush, or the whole zombie apocalypse thing. Comparing the surplus W walked into to the clusterfuck Obama inherited is like comparing apples and orangutans (Trump ancestry joke omitted, as there’s still a pending lawsuit). Oh, and if you don’t want liberals to keep mentioning Bush, stop thinking charts like this are meaningful.

Another tactic prevalent on the right is called:

2. False Equivalency & You!

The false equivalency, which I first described years ago as “We’re Even!” goes something like this: if a pattern of truly sinister and irrational rhetoric/actions/plottings occur on the Right, it is immediately cancelled out with one semi-related quote uttered by some Rosie O’Donnell type on the Left. Bill Maher has also identified this tactic.

“There’s a man on the right winger of this plane!”

—William Shatner

Exhibit A:

The game “We’re Even!” was played effectively by the Romney campaign during the War on Women. As the Republicans attempted to respond to many of their own statements on rape, birth control, and pay inequality, they semi-successfully squelched the momentum when an Obama intern said, “Ann Romney never worked a day in her life.” Do you remember that? Well, Obama’s aid had a valid point in the context of the argument, but the Republicans all cried in unison, “We’re Even!”—which means everything they said is absolved. It’s like when you’re playing chess and you’re about to be checkmated so you accidentally kick the table.

So…

One valid but inarticulate statement by Obama’s intern =

All of the Republican Senators, Congressman and Presidential candidate’s statements and beliefs that triggered the War on Women.

Well played Republicans, well played. The Hannitys, Drudges and Limbaughs of the world pull this shit every damn day. One drunk Occupier from Oakland says something and that’s supposed to Trump anything said by…er, bad choice of words. You’re fired! Here’s my favorite recent example of false equivalency:

The chart at right is not mine, but I immediately made this same point as Benghazi was unfolding here. My quote:

“You know what’s a real scandal? When nearly 3,000 Americans died in our own country, while our President kept reading My Pet Goat. That’s a slightly larger intelligence failure, no? But in Bush’s defense that’s a really good book.”

—Mick Zano

I always try to link back to earlier posts, but as for the GOP-types it’s best we forget their statements so they can focus all of their energy on botching the next issue.

We probably couldn’t have prevented the four deaths in the cesspool known as Benghazi, yet somehow that trumps the largest intelligence failure here in America since Pearl Harbor—not to mention the worst reaction to said intelligence failure since Nam. Oh, not to mention our wonderful Republican Congress actually blocked funds for said embassy security. But I can see their point…er, okay not really. Can anyone on the Right even identify an actual problem anymore? Oh yeah, the guy just confirmed as our Defense Secretary (Hint: that’s why they hate him). This whole scenario becomes even more disturbing when you consider approximately 40% of our country thinks Benghazi = Iraq.

Of course, the Foxeteer will respond with, “We’re even! Besides, Iraq was just an intelligence failure!”

Oh, Iraq was an intelligence failure all right, just not the kind you meant, or as I put it nearly a sentence ago:

“Oh, Iraq was an intelligence failure all right, just not the kind you meant.”

—Mick Zano

Sorry, I’ve apparently already abused my hyperlink privileges.

As a psychology type, I wonder how so many people can immediately translate this back into Limbaughnese. Tragic beans? Wait, I got it! Rove-setta Stone!

Translate and understand a truly irrational ideology in just a few easy Hannity episodes! You two can make sense of the senseless with our six-CD set. And, not only is it inaccurate, it’s fun!

False equivalency (exhibit two):

The GOP believes voter intimidation/suppression =

Yes, it equals two yahoos at a voting station in an already heavily favored Obama district being weird and creepy.

VS.

Republican intimidation/suppression =

A coordinated effort by politicians and judges to create systemic changes designed to create widespread voter suppression.

Come on everyone! Say it with me! …We’re Even!

And yet Congress couldn’t even clap during that SOTU story of a 102 year old woman who waited many hours to vote in Florida. I know Obama said no more name calling, buutt…

What a great game. You see? Those are equal…well, for the factually impaired. Similarly the GOP is now trying to essentially gerrymander the entire Electoral College (related article here). Confused? Just replace the word gerrymander with screw. But don’t worry, I’m sure the next statement by Michael Moore on the subject will mean, “We’re Even!” Sadly tuition was too high at the Electoral College for me, but I still frequent the campus bars.

And for #3 one of my favorites:

3. Revisionist History:

I’ve beaten this one to death, but my last post has an example that gets to the heart of it. The Foxeteers think the Bush Administration never happened and they all agree “Obama is the worst President ever!”

Reality Check:

Historians and scholars rank W. almost dead last and Obama is guesstimated by guru Nate Silver as coming in around 17^th (between good and average).

Here’s one of my old articles on Republican revisionism here. When investigated and researched, almost everything the GOP holds as gospel is built on a pile of lies and false assumptions, or as I call it The Vatican. I kid the Pope. Actually, it all started with Lord Reagan and an economic strategy with many years of implementation yet no discernable successes (aka, Trickle Down, aka, Supply Side Economics, aka, Reaganomics, aka, how can you all be against pot and dream up this shit?). Well, it apparently works if you like high deficits.

The last and probably most heavily utilized tactic is (drum roll):

4. Outright Lies:

The Outright Lie is my favorite, but I’m told if I try to list these again I will crash our server. For examples see any non-ghost-related-Zano-article (NGRZA). I believe the NGRZA were the same dragon-like creatures the ringwraiths flew back in Mordor. It must be true, I heard it in a Zeppelin song. I am going to try to limit this category to one recent example to add to my collection:

Okay, Googling…(12 seconds later)…ah, here we are:

The Sequester: If you want to know step-by-step how it’s actually going down, check out Dickerson’s coverage over on Slate. Hint: it will be news to a Foxeteer, but what isn’t, right? Yes, the GOP, as usual, is insistent on being the most wrong on any given topic. And the only thing they’re consistent about is their ability to lie to each and every step of the way. Bob Woodward’s rendition was also dismantled by Ezra Klein, here. Oops.

Hey, Pssst, Woodward. Come here, let me talk to you in private:

Look, you’re an okay dude, but even if you think the GOP is right about something, they’re probably not. I learned this the hard way a few times and you can learn from my mistakes. If you think they’re right about something double check that shit before you open your mouth, kapish?

(Italics = Private).

But even if it were true, even if Obama set up the sequester trap, Boehner will step right into that shit every time. Obama has been playing a great game of chess. But, on the other…er, opposable thumb…

Andrew Sullivan has always made the comparison Obama = Road Runner and Boehner = Wile E. Coyote, but some good news for the Republicans, according to his business card, Wile E. Coyote is a super genius. This aint rocket surgery.

Here’s some more scientific reasons for the GOP’s continued suckage. Good thing for them they don’t believe in science, eh? Did you hear about this study suggesting neurological difference between voting D and R? Check out this Penn State/Brown University study. Of course, Fox News covered the news as, “Hey kids, there’s a reason you buy all our malarkey despite any supporting evidence! You use the reptilian parts of your brain more often and more effectively than Democrats! It’s called the amygdala and it governs fear, paranoia, and most Fox & Friends episode.”

Or, as I said in my last post (before reading this study):

“We both arrived at similar conclusions. I arrived at mine through reason and logic and they arrived at theirs through fear and propaganda…the usual.”

—Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m a shameless know-it-all. It’s a shame. I have already covered the neurological deficits of the GOP here, as well as accurately diagnosed them as a collective here. The amygdala is a more primitive part of the brain associated with people who used to beat me up regularly at frat houses. The anterior insula—used more by the Dems to reach decisions—is mammalian in origin. So Republicans’ decision making first arrived on the evolutionary scene…well, this joke says it best:

Brain Studies Suggest GOP is only 290 Million Years Behind! Fox News: So close to the Mesozoic you can smell it… Ahh, but we haven’t developed smell yet.

Ask your doctor if the more executive functioning centers of the brain are right for you. Yeah, they’re not just a little behind on the evolutionary scale, but that’s okay because they don’t believe in evolution. So they’re good. And don’t worry, I’m sure sail-backed-synapsids are coming back into style any time now. I kid the Republicans. But studying how one uses the anterior insulate (mammalian) vs. the amygdala (reptilian) has an 83% accuracy in determining whether you will vote D or R. Scary but Truman.

“The only thing to fear is Fox itself”

—FDR

This also ties into a theory I have supported for many years, Beck & Cowan’s Spiral Dynamics. This theory states cultures and individuals move through stages, or levels of consciousness, namely from: tribal thought, to fundamentalism, to entrepreneurialism, to liberalism, to—if you believe the Transpersonalists like Ken Wilber—integral thought. I think this is an accurate theory, but it’s controversial because at first glance it appears hierarchical (a liberal taboo) and Republicans don’t like it (because of their ranking). Of course, the Wilberits would say we can counter these problems by meditating, meditating, meditating! Initially misunderstanding this message, I ended up with a sore palm throughout most of my adolescence.

The dysfunction of our government is primarily of Republican design and most of our current woes are linked to Republican policies. I would love to do a whole post on issues I do agree with the GOP, but thus far it’s only one sentence. But, in their defense, it is a long sentence.

But here’s one disturbing point. There’s no one left to reign Obama in. Let’s be clear…there’s no longer a viable opposition party. Obama is going to push Keynesian economics to its limits, which I personally don’t think is a great idea. He can just dismantle the GOP’s arguments and paint them as crazy. It’s not too difficult as they have a tendency to talk about how they really feel about issues, out loud…with their microphones on. I still feel Obama is fairly moderate in his governing, but nevertheless America is being pushed toward an uber-liberalism and some of this rampant leftism is a direct result of the sad and pathetic behavior of the Foxeteers, or as I put it in my last post:

“One Sean Hannity episode and I’m ready to hand over my gun, have an abortion, and divide all my money equally between my coworkers.”

—Mick Zano

I fear this scenario. What they fear is a larger dimetrodon; their only natural predator. Sorry, back in time again. Precambrian…hmm, if my 8^th grade science is correct that came before the Cambrian.

So if some moment, any moment, you hear emanating from your flat screen the sound of Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly, voices filled with vitriol and angst, they are the last gasps of a dying ideology—an ideology trying to muddle its way home from one of the darker corners of the TwiRight Zone.

Let’s let the Zone’s Rod Serling close up shop:

“It’s a sickness known as hate. Not a virus, not a microbe, not a germ. Highly contagious. Deadly in its effects. Don’t look for it in the Twilight Zone. Look for it in the mirror. Look for it before the lights go out altogether…like during the last Super Bowl. Go Ravens!”

—Rod Serling

(Not doctored in any way)

(Honest)

(Okay, perhaps a smidge)

mick_zano@dailydiscord.com

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

Our first issue of round two is the deficit—a topic Republicans claim the higher ground, despite the evidence.  Again, I went in reverse chronological order for reasons of interest…and the James Bond theme continues for reasons I can’t quite remember.

2012: A Deficit Odyssey:

The GOP & Fox News: The Right helped identify the problem…er, that they created, yet somehow they weren’t against any of the spending pre the collapse. But that’s not their fault, really, they were watching Fox News. And then none of them supported any viable strategy like Simpson-Bowels in real time to combat said spending—except maybe their hero turned arch villain, Chris Christie. Foodraker?

Like it or not, most of our deficit, minus the stimulus, is linked to Republican policies. We still have the bills. Just like my extensive rap sheet, it’s public record. To tie this into a personal credit card situation, let’s say the GOP buys a Ferrari and a Corvette. They are now essentially blaming Obama for having the audacity to continue the car payments. They still think Obama blew five-trillion on golf. The Man with the Golden Clubs? Hey, let’s get into more unnecessary wars and then vote against raising the debt limit!

Two important charts:

What these “rerun” charts show, courtesy of the Congressional Budget Office, is how one President is trying to stop the bleeding while the other guy…er, is clearing brush somewhere. The GOP does back the Ryan budget, which every credible economist thinks would trigger a depression, but, hey, what doesn’t kill them will only make them wronger. Ask your doctor if Reality is right for you.

As it turns out, nothing the GOP supports has anything to do with our traditional understanding of mathematics or economics. Fact: Keynesian economics helped us avoid the Bush Depression. Do I like this imaginary money plan? No. Was I originally in favor of it? No, but: A). It’s working, albeit slowly, and B). we never would have had to learn about Keynesian economics if those who call themselves fiscal conservatives actually paid for shit! Oh, and the Ferrari just dropped a tranny. Wait, she’s still clinging to the hood! (T.J. Hooker joke omitted).

No points—GOP

Zano’s position: I was initially against some of the overspending, such as the Iraq War and No Child Left Behind, then I backed the deficit reduction commission’s recommendations (2009), then I backed a better plan called Simpson-Bowles (2010). We need a 60/40 or 65/35 type revenue to austerity ratio, which I first mentioned many years ago here. Even the 50/50 plan Dems are now proposing might work. Isn’t that always the way, though? The plan I favor will work, the Dems plan might work, and the Republican plan…check please!

Of course anything involving ratios is a meaningless debate to an all-or-none thinking Foxeteer. Check out this article from Eliot Spitzer over on Slate, or this New York Times one on Ryan’s “Fairy Tale Budget.” The GOP remains against every feasible plan. Dr. No?

The GOP’s “strategy” can be summarized as extending all tax cuts and breaks, gutting only critical services for those most in need, blowing up the deficit much higher, and then shifting the last of our profits to the One Percent. This is fiscal conservatism? …well, for the reality impaired.

Marco Rubio’s recent State of the Bubble Address (SUBA) was nonsense. Their whole game plan is to keep repeating lies faster than an OCD/Tourette’s sufferer on methamphetamine. That’s it! They’re making crystal math, which explains why it doesn’t add up and why it feels really good to those already addicted.

In related news, the Tea Party will be known primarily for five things:

1. Forming a “Tea Party” during a period of historic low taxes and backing that ridiculous “Norquist Tax Pledge”. Thankfully many politicians are finally distancing themselves from that nonsense…Never Tax Never Again?

2. Blocking the debt deal in July of 2012 through a delicate combination of all-or-none thinking and ignorance.

3. Related to #2: they were a key component to our 2011 downgraded bond status (Bond, Downgraded Bond). Hey, was Norquist on Her Majesty’s Secret Disservice? Sorry for that one…it’s the vodka martinis talking.

4. Voting in dangerously inept politicians who will not help their states or this country as well as Fox-blocking any chance for meaningful reforms.

5. The picture below that will win the Daily Discord a Pulitzer!

½ a point—Zano.

(I dinged myself ½ a point for not backing the stimulus, which by all accounts avoided a depression, aka, I made the mistake of agreeing with Fox News. Doh! GOPtopussy? Okay, that one was a stretch but no more than their economic policies.

Sept 2009: Obamacare:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Obamacare will end life as we know it!

½ a point—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: Both options suck. Defending our insurance companies is unconscionable, but it’s not the right time for universal healthcare. We’re broke. Republicans fear Obamacare, but won’t even acknowledge the small-business-killing trajectory of healthcare costs. This is really sad when you consider the quality of our healthcare system is plummeting like a certain Norwegian Blue parrot. Pining for the fjords?! Sorry, that’s actually a Monty Python reference, but Pythons are Forever!

But let’s cut the wrong-brigade a break and call it even. We really don’t know if Obamacare is going to work or how much it’s going to cost. If I were a betting man, I’d say it’s going to be too expensive. But if you look at the 15 happiest countries in the world, they all have, support, and love their country’s universal healthcare, here. We just aren’t that exceptional anymore. Damn socialists! Like those happy-go-lucky Israeli Commies!

½ a point—Zano

(I am ultimately for universal healthcare but I do question the timing. We both arrived at similar conclusions. I arrived at mine through reason and logic and they arrived at theirs through fear and propaganda…the usual.)

2009 March: More Stimulus?

The GOP & Fox News’s position:  The bailouts didn’t work. Stop the rest of the stimulus now!

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: Sure the Stimulus is imaginary money but we are faring far better than countries that went austerity only. I said to watch England here as they were going too heavy on the austerity side. There are a number of European experiments going on now and they are pretty much following a predictable pattern.

½ a point—Zano

2009 January: The Great Recession:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: The recession that we never saw coming will be over in a couple of months (nailed it).

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: Capitalism the way we know it just ended (film at 11). Nuff said.

One point—Zano

2008: The Lead Up to the Great Recession:

(Remember, we’re going in reverse order)

The GOP & Fox News’ position: The economy is fine, so buy a Hummer NOW. I distinctly remember Fox News was really stressing the importance of buying shit right up until the day of the collapse. I remember this because of how truly stupid it sounded at the time (even by typical Fox standards). Hah, hah, Fox standards. I made a funny. 

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano: I predicted our pending economic demise about six months before it hit and it was mentioned on this site back in 2008 here (as far back as the Discord goes). I knew we couldn’t lower taxes during two wars and fund all those other bullshit Bush programs. We still haven’t paid for his mistakes, yet here’s a check for $250 everybody! Idiot. The economy collapsed right on cue. The stock market has rallied under Obama, but it’s all Monopoly money at this point…maybe it always was.

One point—Zano

2009: Enters Obama (Will He Restore The Rule Of Law?):

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Notice those Constitutional savvy Foxeteers never even identified Bush’s executive expansion of power, yet they were immediately uncomfortable with a Democrat wielding such an expansion…um, that never happened. They deserve – 100 for never even recognizing the breakdown of the rule of law in the first place, but I will settle for a zero.

No points—GOP

Zano’s position: I predicted Obama would never restore the rule of law (only because no one ever has). My first reference on this subject was an article in 2009, where I said, “I remain skeptical the rule of law will be restored (under Obama).”

Sure Obama is using these expanded powers more competently, which is a nice change, but it’s still deplorable that the executive branch can do whatever the hell it wants now. And, yes, Republicans, blame yourselves. Pre-W we had a Justice Department. You’ve heard me say this before, you couldn’t have an Eric Holder without an Alberto Gonzales. Check out my article on the subject from July of 2010: Funny thing but breaking something called the Justice Department, might just have consequences for…er, justice.

You want those documents on Fast & Furious? …well, I don’t. I want to know how you justify killing an American citizen without any oversight, aka, the Gonzales Special. As for what you want, try investigating who started those programs (hint: his name rhymes with Sick Meaney).

One point—Zano

2005: The Surge:

The GOP & Fox News: Fox supported the Surge in Iraq. Military strategists say the decision to send in more troops in 2005 did have some positive effect on securing Iraq. Kudos. (A dry martini, shaken not surged).

One point—GOP & Fox News

Zano: I was against the Surge. I was unaware of the Anbar Awakening and did not realize ethnic cleansing was winding down in key cities. But I do really miss those community genocide bake sales. The Surge’s timing was fortuitous, but Bush only orchestrated it to develop his own exit strategy from the White House. Regardless, I’m happy to be wrong. My Goldeneye has failed me. Sorry, best I could do with that one. Wait…NPR is saying, right now, that Iraq is on the brink again. Hmmm. I said the Surge would not bring any long term stability…oh, heck, let’s give ‘em the point. It’s not like they’ll ever get another one.

Zero points—Zano

2005: Torture:

The GOP & Fox News: Get those bad guys! Waterboard the bastards! Indefinitely expand executive power. Go through our mail, our email, and wiretap us illegally while suspending habeas corpus indefinitely—even for American citizens—then torture them until they’re mentally ill or dead (aka, Jose Padilla). Please destroy whatever parts of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights you need to keep our sorry asses safe. Hallelujah!

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano: Thank you Mr. Obama for apologizing for W. and ending torture, but damn you for not bringing those responsible to justice! In any other civilized society people are hung for this shit, yet somehow the argument morphed into, did torture work? Did it keep us safe? Where are the whistleblowers when you need them? (Zero Narc Thirty?) Oh, that’s the only other scandal, what Obama’s doing to whistleblowers.

Could you imagine in Nuremberg some Nazi pleading his defense, “Gestapo’s enhanced interrogation techniques saved countless German lives.” Do you think that guy would have been exonerated? I realize this argument is meaningless to a Foxeteer, like logic and reason itself. Hey, are they followers of Propagandacles? or Agendastotle? Those are lesser known Bond films, like View to a Koch.

“But Zano, we’re not Nazis?!”

Umm, you just use some of the same tactics, is all. Torture has never been an argument. It’s only a testament to the GOP’s hypocrisy and neo-fascist tendencies. You want to know what really leads a country to fascism? (Hint: it has nothing to do with insuring more people). Oh, I remember, right after Germany annexed Poland, Hitler started Adolfcare. The bastard! Actually Hitler used a terrorist attack to suspend Habeas corpus indefinitely and then started something called Homeland Security.  Sound familiar? My 2008 take here. No country has ever gone from socialism to Communism, only fascism to Communism. Damn history, with its stuff that already happened and shit.

Experts from every branch of the military have admitted torture doesn’t work. But who cares? The greatest Al-Qaeda recruitment tool in the last decade was Abu Ghraib. Thanks Rummy. Dick. Yeah, let’s thank Dick too. Quantum of Soulless?

One point—Zano

2002: The Iraq War:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Not this shit again! But I’ll say this much, this was NOT just a massive intelligence failure. That’s another big lie. Inspectors were pleading with W. not to start bombing. They were saying, “Wait! There’s nothing here!” But then again, he did pray on the subject, didn’t he? So W. and God were of one mind on this one. Let there be Right! License to Kill?

Zero points—GOP & Fox News

Actually, how about we minus one point for every military and civilian death?   

Zano:

“Next to Vietnam, Iraq will be among the greatest U.S. foreign policy blunders of all time.”

—Mick Zano, 2003.

I ran naked through the streets protesting the war the day it started and then I drank myself silly. Okay, I might have done most of that anyway. Let there be Bud Light! Or to keep with the theme, how about The Living Bud Lights?

One point—Zano

Presidents Bush V Obama’s Rankings:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: George W. Bush…hmmm, we don’t remember much about him, but he did pretty well. We can’t think of anything he did wrong, offhand. But that Barack Obama will go down in history as the worst President in U.S. history!

Zero points—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: I predicted in 2004 W. would be ranked about the worst in history and on Obama’s Inauguration Day I predicted he would be marked well for his foreign policy and “meh” on the horrid economy he inherited.

After reviewing four of the most recent surveys by scholars and historians, Nate Silver just predicted Obama will be ranked 17^th best (between good and average). Meanwhile, W. has only one President ranked below him, James Buchanan, who I believe murdered puppies for fun. And, sorry, you can’t count the guy who died right after his inauguration. And when I was predicting W. would be the worst ever, no one else was, and when right wingers keep saying Obama is the worst ever they’re trying to create reality through something called bullshit. Good luck with that.

One point—Zano

The final score, combining both posts, is 11 ½ points for Zano to 2 points for the GOP & Fox News. Have I mentioned I’m a spoof news blogger? I have no business beating ANYONE in the business this badly, let alone EVERYONE. Geesh. Did I mention I’m not that bright?

Oh, and when Iraq completely descends back into chaos, I’m taking that “Surge” point back! I hope to hell it doesn’t happen, but I have to contend with something they don’t, reality.

The GOP will have different key points, of course, because the bubble is a very different and scary place. To address some of them briefly:

FACT: Criminal background checks for gun purchasing was first proposed by Lord Reagan.

FACT: Unemployment numbers will remain high no matter who’s elected. D and R have both been shipping manufacturing jobs overseas for decades as part of Bush’s: Operation Weekday Freedom (old Maher joke).

FACT: We will never get anywhere with Roe V Wade, because both sides can’t or won’t listen to reason on this issue, which makes any meaningful discourse impossible.

FACT: The Right’s entire economic theory is based on Supply Side Economics, aka, Trickle Down Theory, which if you Google it says, “This has never worked in this U.S. or any other country in recorded history. Well, besides the conservative blowback from the mastodon’s neo-Marxist period circa the early Pleistocene.” It really says that. 

FACT: As soon as Romney and Ryan would have found Iran on a map, they would have bombed it. These two would have made Sarah Palin look strong on foreign policy.

Let’s not forget the Foxeteers other ‘important’ issues, like birth certificates and Muslims infiltrating the White House. Senator McCarthy would be proud. Oh and, yes, we are amidst a mass extinction on this planet, but as we lose species after species there’s some good news, Republicans may well be one of them.

I should also quickly add two more retractions. Initially, I thought a flat tax sounded logical and showing ID when you voted sounded logical as well. Umm, I should have known better. My assuming-they’re-always-wrong-premise works so much better. A flat tax, though somewhat logical, puts more even more of a burden on the poor at a time when the disparity of wealth typically triggers a revolution. Yes, most Latin American countries at this point have less of a disparity of wealth (see a related Economist article here), or as I’ve said before to our President:  “Socialism, you’re doing it wrong.” I do give Obama some credit for trying to save the middle class and I condemn the GOP for not even identifying the problem. Meanwhile, every GOP position supports the “one percent”…totally by coincidence. No conspiracy here.

Subtleties are lost on these peeps. You see, you can be pro 2^nd Amendment and still think the NRA head is an asshole; you can be pro-Israel and understand how Netanayhu’s blind recklessness is (see NRA head); you can be pro-choice and understand how Roe V Wade was a strange ruling; you can be pro reducing our deficit without being pro depression; and you can also be pro capitalism but realize some of this shit’s rigged. Chuck Hagel gets it and that’s why they hate him. How many IQ points must he drop before he will be an acceptable Republican? Why not just give him a number?

The Bush years are in the books (the GOP wrong on all counts), and the Obama years will be tallied soon enough (the GOP will be wrong on all counts). Well played.

This is a hell of a statement, but one of the biggest threats we face in the early 21st century remains the ongoing group-think of the GOP. Almost regardless of the issue, they are a hindrance. They are the bull in china shop, the monkey with the gun, the elephant in the room, and if you give me long enough, buy gum, I’ll work in the rest of the animal crackers into this sentence.  I am saying the GOP must reform or disband but not for my own agenda, for theirs. They are the worst advocates for capitalism, for free markets, for the 2^nd amendment, and they will destroy any and all of their causes by following this delusional false narrative. One Sean Hannity episode and I’m ready to hand over my gun, have an abortion, and divide all my money equally between my coworkers.

“We don’t have a spending problem, we have a Republican problem.”

—Mick Zano

Nine out of ten things going wrong right now have nothing to do with Barack Obama or his party. And the one major thing going astray on his watch, in this case drone strikes, they can’t even recognize as a problem. The rightward drift of the GOP and their ongoing abandonment of reason is and remains the story within the story of our time. I’m stunned how few seem to know Cheney, or Morris—or, for those non-political peeps—Clark. And I will end this monstrosity of a post with a quote from Christopher Hitchens, in honor of all of my friends on the right side of the aisle:

“What can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.”

Consider yourselves dismissed.

From Zano with Love

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse…tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

I have a score card. I pitted yours truly, a joke spoof-news bloggerist, against Fox News & the GOP. Oh, and NO you can’t call the last decade a mulligan. Any recent improvement on their part is greatly exaggerated. Any reforms seem motivated by losing seats, nothing remotely resembling self-reflection. So Karl Rove has stepped up to lead their makeover? Great.

People seem no longer capable of looking at issues through any semblance of independent thought. I identified this disturbing trend years ago. Check out one of my articles in 2008. Knowing someone’s views on the death penalty should not, in and of itself, determine how you fall on every other issue of our time. This is a failure of all media, right and left. Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens mentioned this phenomenon three years later during a conversation, here. I’ll refrain from another I-told-you-so moment. The Right only has a series of this-is-why-we’re-still-right-despite-all-evidence moments. Hell, even when they’re right on principle, they seem insistent on blowing every issue like Senator Craig at a truck-stop glory hole…what? Too soon?

I tried to focus this contest on key junctures and key issues of our time. I combined Fox News & the GOP, as history will damn them equally. I briefly summed up the old stuff as not to beat a dead elephant, yet some undeniable patterns keep emerging like Senator Craig’s feet from under a truck stop bathroom stall. What? …he has a wide stance.

Oh, and I’m doing this in reverse order so people who are over the whole 2003-thing can, skim, or stop reading, or switch back to porn…you know, the usual. Oh, and I simply tied them into James Bond films out of sheer boredom:

Immigration:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: They have a real point here. I know, I know…weird. We should enforce the immigration laws on our books and secure our borders, but then they still manage to lose the argument—this time through a delicate blend of xenophobia and stupidity. Not to be confused with Xenaphobia: the fear of sexy amazon warrior women (Amazon.com joke omitted).

Hint: illegals will only stop coming here when you stop hiring them to cut your lawns and your solution to build a physical wall along our southern border is the dumbest thing I have ever heard since…well, since the last time I turned on Fox News.

½ a point – GOP

(Hey, they identified the problem, only out of fear and paranoia, but it’s still extraordinarily insightful…for them).

Zano’s position: The GOP wants a big wall so no one else can get in, yet they personally need Enrique and his five children at the sweatshop to keep the overhead down. They deserve that cheap labor, damn it! But no one else does. There’s a similar theme with their, “My family needs all those entitlements, but please make them unavailable for everyone else” clause.

First off, almost no one is sneaking into our country post-Bush. Have you seen the numbers? Or, in this case, number? More people are joining scientology these days—even when they mention the Xenu part (not to be confused with Xenu: Warrior Princess). Deja groaner alert. Most who are still entering our country illegally are drug mules, which my War on Drugs policy will address shortly.  But I am still hoping my guy makes it across; it’s medicinal. I have glaucoma in my right eye…or mustard. I’m sure it’s one of the two. Gulden Eye? All right, I’m already giving up on the Bond theme thing.

How about this for an answer: try enforcing hiring practices? Problem solved. Wow, that was hard. Then those five people who remain should have some type of path toward citizenship. Building the Great Wall of Stupid and deporting nine million people on buses is something Michele Bachmann dreams up when she’s not smearing her living room walls with pig’s blood.

One point – Zano.

Warmers: Climate Change You Can’t Believe In:

The GOP & Fox News’ Position: Climate change is all political. Polar bear deaths are all staged by Al Gore, so don’t mess with the markets. Drill baby drill! …View to a Spill? Okay, I lied.

Zero points – GOP

For this one they should lose a gazillion. They are the only group—not just in America, but on Earth—who won’t even acknowledge What’s Happening…and, frankly, that was one of the best shows of the late 70’s. “Hey, HEY, hey.” That never gets old. Republicans are willing to gamble with mankind’s entire future based on Fox News Facts (It Can Hannity Tomorrow joke omitted for your protection).

Zano’s Position: This is the Republican’s big gamble…Casino Royale? I realize Al Gore and others politicized the issue, which I always warned would backfire, but the warm remain the same:

1. A change of some type is happening (Duh).
2. We don’t know exactly what percentage is attributed to mankind (especially the math-impaired Right).
3. Either way pollution = bad.

Deep stuff. Yeah, deep stuff for the GED…sorry, GOP. See my related article here. Climate change or a mass extinction of this magnitude generally shouldn’t be perceivable in a single lifetime, but in this case it actually is. So even if you don’t understand something we elitists like to call science, you can simply look outside (hint: try taking off those Rove-colored glasses). The fact we’re losing eight Lake Erie’s worth of glacial ice each year is frightening; the fact half our country is ignoring this fact is astounding.

One of the last skeptics, Nicholas Stern, now thinks we’re on a four degree trajectory upward. Oopsies. Four degrees is bordering on a species ending hike. So much for the last naysayer. But, more importantly, I am three degrees to Bacon. Sizzle. My friend Vicki knew Kevin back in Philly (back Bacon joke omitted). So beat that Republicans! Thank you, sir, may I have a glacier?

“The Foxeteers call them Warmers. I call them Birthers with brains.”

—Mick Zano

In my same article It Might Not Happen Tomorrow so Keep Polluting, I begged the important question: how did Dennis Quaid, in Arctic conditions and with only tennis shoes strapped to his feet, walk from Philadelphia to NYC in about ten minutes to save his children? I don’t even think Republicans understand the implausibility, especially when one considers all of the tolls. Tollraker?

One point – Zano.

Energy Sustainability:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Putting the words energy and sustainability together is meaningless to a Republican, much like the words scientific method, historical context, or evidence based. They feel we must continue to fund nuclear, coal, and big oil. That’s not a punch line. See China for how well that’s working out. Gas mask sold separately.

Okay, that’s really Japan, but you get the idea. I don’t care who loses their job, if you went into the coal industry in the last 15 years with a conscience or a clue, you should have already been job hunting.  Fox & Friends recently had a whole segment on solar energy and why it can only work in Germany. Their conclusion?

“…Because it’s so much sunnier there.”

Yes, the sun only shines in Germany. That’s not a joke, that’s a Fox News quote. Yes indeed, sunny old Stuttgart. Oh, those balmy beaches of Berlin, those blue skies of Babenhausen! Slate Mag covered their schitznick here. Meanwhile, cloudy-as-shit Germany is approaching 50% solar. Ah, those cloudless climbs of Crailsheim! Sorry, I have more but I’ll Rheinfrain. Ah, those rainless runs through Ratzeburg! I mean it this time… Maybe I can snap out of this by thinking of a Bond film. Der Man mit den Golden Schitzengruben? Sorry, my German’s rusty, but my Mel Brooks references remain as sharp as ever.

I think Bobby Jindal’s plea to “not be the dumb party” is going swimmingly. Hey, maybe they should try to evolve into the Silly Party. Talk about an upgrade!

Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim- lin- bus- stop- F’tang- F’tang- Olé-Biscuitbarrel was unavailable for comment

Oh, those crystal clear days in Düsseldorf! Sorry, miles away. Actually, I believe this part is calculated. This is your evil lobbyists at work. Of course, everything else they said during that Fox & Friends segment was stupid. Of course, if you corner a Foxeteer on the subject, they will all say in unison, “Traditional fuel sources are a bridge to get us from here to there.” Yeah, another bridge to no clouds Nowhereinstadt!

No points – GOP

Zano’s position: I agree with Fox News on this much: most attempts at going green have thus far sucked. Of course, the Right is rooting against green energy, which is another insightful move on their part. I know only this: the Right is wrong. How can it be otherwise? In the near future, a hundred miles of solar desert panels could supply 50% of our country’s demand. The technology exists today, but moving it to where it is needed will require some innovation. So flipping innovate already! Solyndra II anyone?

See the difference?

Liberal scandals = we need to try that again but succeed.

Republican scandals = let us never speak of that again…well, until the military tribunal. 

Whereas investing in the future and failing may be a “scandal”, not even understanding the importance to our planet and to our viability as a species is an F-ing crime.

If we want to have a future we will work diligently toward solar energy or something like it. Should we follow the Germans or the Christian Fundamentalists? Hmmm. Let me pray on it. Those warm Wednesdays in Waldfleigenbergen! Sorry. I made that town up…kind of like Fox does for their news segments. Sorry, but I spent some time in Germany and I think I saw the sun once.  

One point – Zano

The War on Drugs:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Foxeteers intently want to keep throwing hundreds of millions of dollars each year towards this lost cause in the name of fiscal conservatism, aka, the usual. Even Mexico is begging us to stop singlehandedly keeping their drug cartels in business.

No points – GOP

Zano’s position: By every measure known to math-kind the “War on Drugs” is an abysmal failure. Hey, maybe that’s why the GOP has an affinity for it? I covered this recently during my interview with Cokie McGrath. Check it. The argument to keep waging this “war” through incompetence is growing thinner and thinner. Working in the field, I would guestimate 7 out of 10 addiction counselors believe most aspects of our War on Drugs have failed. We need to legalize marijuana, shift funds to education, and then tax the shit out of it. We can put an estimated half the cartels out of business overnight. I care about what 7 out of 10 addiction counselors think about this issue. I don’t care what 7 out of 10 Foxeteers think—er, unless I’m applying my do-the-flipping-opposite formula. Legalization, of pot at the very least, is inevitable. It’s only a question of how many lives we will ruin and how much money we will waste getting from here to there. Weed the People?…Bowlfinger?

One point – Zano

A UK summary:

“Since 2006, the Mexican government has undertaken a US-backed crackdown on drug cartels. Estimates suggest that around 60,000 people have been murdered, and the number of deaths is still rising. At the same time, in countries like Britain, we’re buying more and more of the drugs that flow through Mexico. Our prohibition approach has failed to stop drug use, and it puts money in the hands of narco-terrorists and international criminals. Despite 50 years of criminalization, illicit drugs are now the third most valuable industry in the world, after food and oil.”

—Julian Huppert, The Guardian

Or a UK-type blogger here:

“So we have a huge amount of money to cut and save. Why not start with re-classifying cannabis according to science not bigotry, and deploying police resources on actual crimes worthy of the name?”

—Andrew Sullivan

The War on Terror:

The GOP & Fox News’s position: This has been beat to death, like many at Guantanamo, badum-bum. Bush, for all of his expansions of executive power, SUCKED at actually getting the bad guys…oh, but he did destroy our Constitution real good.

No points – GOP

Zano: Obama’s approach worked on Al-Qaeda, but the biggest scandal of his tenor—actually, the only noteworthy one—is the current lack of checks and balance for our drone program. The other GOP scandals are nonsense. Proof? Boehner backs it and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), “applauds the President’s drone program!” These are men whose accomplishments wouldn’t fill a 16-font one page pamphlet. In fact, it would still be shorter than Jon Stewart’s: Famous Jewish Sports Legends.

And, sorry, the Muslim Awakening was inevitable. It doesn’t mean we’re rooting for it just because we won’t support bombing the shit out of every budding democracy or theocracy. There’s just no good solutions for such a large group of tribal/theocratic nut jobs. I’m talking about the Middle East this time, not the GOP. Most of the change over there is up to them. I realize that’s a true statement, yet completely meaningless to a Foxeteer.  Besides, we have much less power, credibility, and options post-Bush. We also don’t have a Justice Department post-Bush. I think the GOP finally took notice of this one. I warned them about this shit circa 2006. I’ll say it again, Alberto Gonzales made Eric Holder possible. Hey, but thanks for not listening. My old post here.

One point – Zano

Stay tuned next week when I continue to gut the GOP’s ideology like a fish. Same Blog time, same Blog channel.  Oh, those days sunbathing in sun shiny Saarbrücken! Sorry.

Picture Taken During Hamburg’s Rainy Season