Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the post wonderful time of the year! I keep covering the GOP’s view of climate change because, if it didn’t mean the probable end of mankind, it would be downright hilarious—Discord’s latest video hilarious. You have to hand it to these folks, they aren’t going to fall for any scientific argument. It’s a gutsy move, like cross-dressing at a Tea Party rally. Never again!

If you recall, the last Koch Brother’s funded study backfired in 2011. Even their own hired research minions couldn’t deny the truth any longer. And they never did find the bodies of those researchers. So the small minority still doggedly trying to disprove any change—you know, the folks throwing around more money than Silvio Berlusconi at a bunga bunga party—failed, miserably, and yet that didn’t seem to have any effect on the debate. What can?

BSFN: Bull Shit Fox News We Don’t Just Make the Bullshit, We Ignore Any Real Facts Too

That’s because it takes decades for republicans to digest any given topic or event, which is way too long when we’re talking about the important issues of our time, like ninja porn.

Keep looking until the naked ninja appears

It’s another normalcy bias moment, or, as the Beatles put it, “Nothing’s going to change their world. Nothing’s going to change their world.”

The recent Live Science headline: Arctic Warmest in at Least 44,000 Years is immediately translated by the Foxeteers as, “My tomatoes got frost last night. Where was the warming when my tomatoes needed it?” The oceans are more acidic than in known Earth history is translated as, “Acid? I thought those hippy libs liked dropping acid?”

They attack the findings of any study that doesn’t jive with their deep-seeded denial and, when that fails, they attack science itself.

The Drudge Report links to every global warming article or study that mentions a pause in the warming. Then, if you actually read the article, you find, “Yeah climate change is still happening, it’s caused by man, and we’re still all screwed, but there’s this pause.” The GOP reads the same article and takes away only one nugget, PAUSE.

Mind the Gap

Science has now identified our deep oceans as temporarily absorbing the extra heat. Full story here. Or maybe reducing emissions and banning those chemicals most harmful to our ozone has had a positive impact. But in the Fox lands…

Pause  =  Not Happening

More accurately:

GOP  =  Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

As my next witness, I call to the floor Captain Mass Extinction and Count Climate Changeula. Speaking of Captains, the GOP makes Captain Ahab seem downright aloof. Call me Darrell Issamael? No? How about, from hell’s heart I blog at thee? I’ll work on that one.

Here’s what pause actually means:

1. A temporary stop or rest, especially in speech or action: For an antonym see Ted Cruz’s 23-hour imaginary filibuster.
2. A cessation of activity because of doubt or uncertainty; a momentary hesitation: Like when Shep Smith squints at the teleprompter, winces, and then thinks “Is anyone really going to buy this shit? Where the hell do we find these people?”
3. Any comparatively brief stop, delay, wait, etc.: for an antonym see the line at the DMV.

And even if it stays this hot we’re in big trouble. If the pause holds, it holds at the hottest 16-years on record. Forgot that part, huh? So we’ll continue to lose glaciers, coastal areas, Eskimos, drink specials, and the world may yet become as unbearable as The Weekly Standard. The pause is simply a convenient truth to keep the GOP blindly supporting our nation’s one percent agenda (which is entirely unfair to all those whole milk products).

I’m afraid this warming trend is likely to resume soon, but the GOP’s inability to process data is likely to go on until the bitter end. We need to err on the side of, er…air. Even if there were only a 10% chance that shit’s changing, why would we gamble with the future habitability of our planet? When you factor in that it’s only 10% it’s not happening, the GOP’s position is truly absurd.

“Earth, what’s the worst that could happen?”

—John Q. Republican

To this I say:

“They call us warmers….you know, birthers with brains.”

—Mick Zano

I have posted this before, but…

The summary of the above chart is essentially this:

If you graduated some high school science class or another, or even if you just watched Bill Nye the Science Guy once—from the kitchen while doing the dishes—umm, you’ve figured out climate change is happening.

Actually this gets translated by the right as: all scientists from all universities, all over the world, are under some Al Gore mind control drug (AGMCD). An Inconvenient truth serum?

More and more people believe the republicans are incapable of any ideological course correction. I am in this camp. In fact, I built this camp. I also built this city on rock-n-roll. I did this in my spare time, when I’m not making ninja porn jokes. But it’s troubling to see an entire faction of our society locked in their seats as their ideological starship spirals into the atmosphere. Of course, in this episode, they don’t think the planet is getting closer, they think it’s some liberal trick to get the GOP to stop mining and drilling on the planet Oilcoalian-IV.

I like Juan Cole’s take:

“Abandoning coal, oil and gas ASAP is the only hope to avert disaster. We could do it if the political will existed. Certainly, all coal plants could be closed down within 10 years, and that with relatively little economic pain. Coal is especially dirty and dangerous.”

—Juan Cole (coal?)

Essentially if climatologists predict a 10cm sea level rise by such and such and it only rises 8cm, the GOP goes, “Hah! Wrong, Mister went to school and stuff.” This is part of their famous all-or-none thinking. I never thought science would get this exactly right. We’re talking about ocean currents, continent-sized glaciers, global weather systems, Al Gore…

But you know who is never going to get it right? Republicans. Well, if history is any judge.

Obama is addressing climate change and finally starting a proper War on Coal. People need to remember which political party got every important issue of the 21st century wrong. The GOP still denies global warming and defends coal…in 2013…Earth. I do believe in clean coal, I do, I do! Meanwhile, every time a coal plant opens a fairy dies…usually at one of those nearby redneck bars.

That joke is my cue to wrap this shit up. Suffice to say,

“Hey, who needs the EPA during a time of mass extinctions and climate upheaval?”

—John Q. Republican

Aren’t they cute? And by cute I mean certifiable.

I am not all that concerned about Obamacare’s impact on other insurance companies—who suck, by the way—or of rampant socialism, or death panels, or Fox’s next paranoid-based theme of the week (FNPBTW). It’s those unintended consequences that concern me. Obama’s failure could well fan the flames of a dying political party. So to help, this site is now a portal for the ACA. Please click below to enroll at…Shit! We crashed!

The instant Obamacare started faltering, the GOP smelled blood in the water. Actually, they smelled blood in the water since January of 2008—their own, of course, because they remain factually impaired. Bull Sharks?

If Obamacare is eventually victorious, it will be a huge blow to the GOP, to our shittier insurance companies and, for the most part, to those shittier employers among us. Its success or failure, however, is still in serious question. I am probably the only person in America growing more confident each glitchy stumbly second. Huh? Whaaa?

My reasons for going out on a limb (again):

1. The GOP thinks Obamacare is doomed, but their uncanny ability to always get things wrong should not be underestimated.

2. None of these larger social programs were ever rolled out smoothly, but they tend to get fixed, at least historically speaking.

3. Frankly, it has to work. There’s too much riding on it. I would not use the word frankly otherwise. Frankly, I hate that word.

A reader writes:

“Looks like you botched this one, Zano.”

I disagree. I didn’t think Obamcare would be easy to pull off in our current political environment and I said as much before the bill passed into law. Sure it’s working great in the only other 16 countries it’s been attempted, but ‘Murica is no longer horribly competent, under D or R. This was my quote from 2009:

“Universal healthcare is a nice goal for the future. Hint: this is not that time.”

—Mick Zano

I am a strong proponent of the ACA, but back in 2009 I was more concerned about a double dip recession. I still am. I also voiced concern about the rollout chances, here.

When Obama said people could keep their existing policies…umm, there’s no defense for that statement. He lied. I can’t defend the indefensible. That’s a Foxeteer’s job. I think this Obamacare rollout fail should land squarely on the Dems doorstep, however, it hasn’t helped having half our country rooting against it.

“The GOP’s strategy hasn’t just tried to win elections and repeal Obamacare. They’ve actively sought to sabotage the implementation of the law. They intimidated the people who were implementing the law. They made clear that problems would be exploited rather than fixed. A few weeks ago, they literally shut down the government because they refused to pass a funding bill that contained money for Obamacare.”

—Ezra Klein

On the other hand, here’s the Dems saving Bush’s Medicare D program back in 2006.

“I voted against it, but once it passed I certainly determined that I would try to do everything I could to make sure that New Yorkers understood it, could access it, and make the best of it.”

—Hillary Clinton

That’s why I still have an iota of respect for Democrats, because they still have an iota of humanity. Check out that entire article over on the DailyKos: How Democrats Helped Republicans Save BushCare. If the Dems are run out of office I am not sure they will be as magnanimous in the future. I fear we are now entrenched in our two camps—a situation I still predict will be our undoing.

Oh, and Eric Stern over at The Salon handed Sean Hannity his ass last week. It was glorious. But Fox doesn’t do retractions, so you probably never heard about it. I understand why they don’t do retractions. If someone asked Hercules to coordinate all the retractions for Fox News, he would probably say, “Umm, can I just wrestle that giant squid again?”

Essentially, Stern hunted down every guest on a particular Hannity episode (6) and re-interviewed each of them over the phone. He found that five of the six didn’t understand Obamacare and they all stood to save huge if they actually signed up at an exchange. The sixth guest, who allegedly laid people off because of Obamacare, couldn’t really explain what the layoffs had to do with his decision to cut jobs. It was an 0 for 6 moment for Sean…you know, the usual. The article is called Inside the Fox News Lie Machine.

Dear Sean,

There are tons of people who really are losing their policies to Obamacare, your inability to find any of them proves to me that you’re an incompetent lying boob.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Kidding, I already knew that.

Now that Fox News has created an alternate political universe, they can simply wade through the damage and find endless Americans who believe their nonsense and then interview them accordingly. Here’s how it works:

Step 1: create a false political reality through propaganda (CFPRTP).

Step 2: eventually you can just interview your own viewers who will then, lo-and-behold, agree with everything you say. It’s like magic! WWII Joseph Goebbels like magic.

Step 3: rinse, lather, and repeat falsehoods.

It’s that easy! It’s all some sick self-fulfilling prophecy. Foxeteers are likely to be hurt by Obamacare, but only because they fear it so much. They won’t sign up and they won’t reap the benefits. So even with that pre-existing condition of theirs, they will likely die sooner. I want them to go away, but not like this. I predicted those more liberal states would eventually get Obamacare right. Unfortunately, I am predicting huge ongoing delays in certain square states, who simply refuse to take their socialized medicine.

So this rightwing propagandist is making videos of ill-informed Obama supporters and then calling their stupidity: The Obama Effect. I tend to make more of a dent focusing on republican congressman and senators who actually say shit, out loud, about important issues, aka Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel need not apply.

Check out these Paul Joseph Watson videos here. Look, no one is arguing people are misinformed, across our nation, across political parties, across cultures, across dressing. My point has always been, I don’t need to do an In Search Of episode to look for idiots on the right. The trick is finding those last few insightful ones.

Or:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

—George Carlin

It’s also an interesting tactic to call the guy who’s still trying to fund education the cause of said lack of knowledge. That’s called “spin”—spelled wrong, of course. Look, if you go to an Occupy or a Tea Party rally there are plenty of dumb signs, misspelled badly, but in their defense there’s no grammar check option on cardboard or sheets.

Meanwhile, conservatives are reduced to scouring the world for people dumber than they are, which, admittedly, does sound arduous.

“This guy’s even dumber than us! Get him on camera, quick!!”

—John Q. Republican

It’s a fairly meaningless approach…wait, “fairly” is above average for the GOP…proceed, Governor. I rarely go there but when I do it’s strictly in the name of comedy.  I usually direct my ire toward republican leaders. Umm, until this one pissed me off.

So a hearty Pythonesque Have at You!!!!

“You people are some of the most disgusting examples of a waste of protoplasm I’ve ever had the displeasure to hear about.”

—Charlie Daniels, on those opposed to the Iraq War.

Here’s the same thoughtful and insightful man a few weeks ago on Syria:

“I have never seen an American president so confused, befuddled, impotent, and insincere, and out of his depths as Barack Obama on this Syria issue.”

—Charlie Daniels

Iraq:

Four thousand dead Americans and upwards of a million dead Iraqis and I never once, not once, heard anyone apologize. Oh, but here’s a top Bush advisor’s comment this week: we invaded Iraq, because we were looking for somebody’s ass to kick. I believe that was my theory circa 2002. Now I feel like such a waste of protoplasm.

Syria:

Russia, the U.S., the U.N., etc, are all very pleased with the disarmament proceedings with Syria (thus far). Of course, you heard it here first.

In other words, 0 for 2, Mr. Daniels. Why do republicans keep commenting on stuff? You know when I was a young idealistic blogger, I thought we should bomb the Mormons because of the Death Ray I was sure they were assembling deep under their Salt Lake City Tabernacle.  At the time, I believed they were hiding some of the key components on the Planet Kolab, here. (That’s not a real link, I’m just seeing if you’re paying attention.) But one day the truth became apparent, so I stopped offering my opinion on the subject. I even decided against my sequel to Mick Zano: The Mormon Death Ray Question. (That’s not a real link either.)

But, wait…having said that, the Mormon Church has been attempting to acquire beryllium rods which could be used in conjunction with a particle accelerator to create a Death Ray…is all I’m saying.

Let it go, Zano. Breathe, breathe…F*&^ing Mormons. Breathe…

I don’t usually cite entertainer types like Charlie Daniels, but, let’s face it, he’s about as insightful as the rest of ‘em. Whereas my views, as a reluctant liberal, tend to be quite different from the O’Donnell’s or the Garofalo’s of the world, it’s really not the case on the right.  Far too many Foxeteers have gone the full Fox and Friends (FFF). I have plenty of criticism for MSNBC but they’re propagandic beginners compared to Fox.  The GOP is of one mind, or The Special Ed Borg as I call them. Don’t believe me? Just another Zanoesque over-the-top statement? Here’s proof:

“The average republican is now so far right that they’re only allowed one at a time on the observation deck of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

—Mick Zano

Oh, you wanted real proof. Okay, here.

Isn’t it time the GOP dumped Charlie Daniels as their Secretary of Stupid? Isn’t it time they went with someone more in tune with the direction of The GOP? Like Billy Ray Cyrus?

Dear Charlie,

The devil went down to grade school and he got his GED.  You lose.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

You know what liberals tend to do? They tend to stop quoting people who get shit wrong.

Dear GOP,

You can’t make up your own reality and then expect to debate the details. If you want to discuss Marvin the Martian-style politics as it relates to spending on the Planet Kolab at least supply me with some choice peyote or psilocybin.

Sincerely,

The unicorn flying over your head

Why do people on the Right keep saying shit like?

“This guy’s never gotten anything right, I’m curious what he has to say about this topic.”

—John Q Republican

The group-think of the GOP is clearly responsible for this phenomenon as well as most of our nation’s woes. I think it’s difficult for the GOP to identify the terminally wrong. Life in the bubble is a scary place.  It’s like if you and your family stop showering—which we tried recently to save money on toiletries—you may not notice the stench but others certainly will. Boy, did we find out.

Typically throughout history, the people who totally F-up issues tend to disappear into obscurity (see: Neville Chamberlain). This function is apparently no longer working on the right. This is also called the Dick Morris effect, or the Dick Cheney effect, or the…well, just insert some far right dick, here.

Pardon the pud.