So Pokey, I’m brainwashed? I understand Obama’s Muslim strategy and I commend it. In fact, I suggested it years ago…to you. Our more savvy administrations will forever attempt to separate radical Muslims from those moderates as conflating the two would prove catastrophic. This is some of the Benghazi nuance you are calling a scandal. I call it don’t taunt Happy Fun Ball (SNL 1991). Obama will strike what needs striking but will, more importantly, support and foster any and all moderate Muslim voices that might emerge from this Middle East shit-show. He may well back some to a fault. [Sheikh Abdallah Bin Bayyah joke beheaded by the editor.]

There are two paths:

1. Containment of radical groups through drone, airstrikes, and special ops while supporting the rise of Muslim moderates, or:

2. Wider military campaigns that will prove ineffective and will ultimately bankrupt our country.

Obama understands these two choices but will President Clinton? See, I talk about stuff that’s going to happen and try to give recommendations in real time. Solutions are strangely missing from Foxeteer country, aside from the occasional Nuke the Towelheads! comment and other such deductive gems. Not only do Republicans have nothing relevant to add in the moment, they have mastered a form of advanced revisionist-history via glue-sniffing (ARHvGS). You should take note of this and put down the glue, Pokey.

Onward to BEN-GAZZARA! Yes, I made this joke two months after the attack, here, and Maher just used it, like, last week (Real Time with two year old Zano jokes?)

Benghazi Summary Alert (please skip this paragraph, for f*&^’s sake):

Obama called the Benghazi attack an act of terrorism the next day in the Rose Garden.  And, if you think the attack on Benghazi spontaneously happened the same day along with dozens of other attacks across the Muslim world, Obama’s bullshit makes more sense than your “truth”. The mastermind behind the attack, in captivity, allegedly moved up the date because of the video protests. I notice you have no comment on this. Perhaps you should explain to the attacker, why his motivations were wrong.  If there were no wide-spread video protests the same day and no connection to the attack, then Obama lied. And, yes, these radicals were planning this attack, but not on the anniversary of 9/11, because they moved up the date to take advantage of ensuing video chaos, or like this guy said:

“So, of course, the attacks were linked to the dozens of other embassies overrun on the same day. If the GOP can’t connect those dots, we’re going to need some bigger dots. That is why the attack fell right on movie-trailer night. They used the riots as an excuse…you know, to do the old fake yawn and reach around thing. You think this just happened at the precise moment all of those other embassies burst into flames?”

—Mick Zano, Nov 2012

After catching the mastermind and interrogating him, my theory is all but confirmed, which means I’m wrong. So I’m protecting Obama from relaying a valid point. Keep in mind, the real story is this: if Pokey’s narrative proved true, I still wouldn’t understand his point.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog post:

One third of the world identifies as Muslim, so if we declare war on them all, the way our Christian soldiers insist, then we’ve played right into Bin Laden’s hands. And, if we go broke through a series of ill-fated Bush-style military campaigns, ditto. If we employ either of these approaches, we should probably start brushing up on our Farsi. I am already quite adept at Farcey, but I’m being told that’s different. The ultimate answer lies with Muslims themselves. If they further radicalize and too many remain at this dangerously sick level of consciousness, in the immortal words of Bill Paxton from Aliens, Game over, man! Obama understands this, so he’s opting for containment strategies while encouraging and supporting the rise of moderate Muslim voices. He is also trying to get the rest of the world on the same page, which is very hard post Bush. Obama’s is the best approach, even if you and your ilk can’t seem to wrap your [edited]  around it. (Damn…beheaded again.)

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?”

—Captain Jack Sparrow

On the flip side, Republicans assume all liberals can’t seem to wrap their heads around extremism. This is true as they tend to side with republicans on military interventions waaaaaay too much. See any vote on war ever. This is what worries me about Hillary 2016.

Perspective: Wouldn’t It Be Nice If the GOP Had Some?

Oh, and did I mention any investigations should be focused on that big circle of cluster fuckage called Why-the-F- We-Invaded-Iraq-in-the-1st-Place? The fact we’ve had 426 Benghazi investigations and no investigations on the lead up to the Iraq War is a testament to our collective ignorance. I stand by all my important spoof news Benghazi coverage here, here and here.

Although I guess I should warn everyone, the Discord was just added to the internet Hoax of Fame list here. I call bullshit! I AM A REAL JOURNALIST (cough)…well I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Pokey, my friend, your entire argument revolves around a ratio of the impetus behind the attack and whether or not we called them bad men or bad religious men. Benghazi was caused by extremists who will kill Americans whenever they get the chance and whether the impetus for the attack was more video, more 9/11, or more of a protest on Fox’s decision to cancel Glee—

“What does it matter at this point?”

—Hillary Clinton

One of Hillary’s biggest election challenges will be to overcome this quote. Of course, it’s true, but truth has no place on Bullshit Mountain. Obama never denied these were bad peeps, he just never called them the right kind of bad peeps. Impeach! I don’t want Sharia Law in America either, I just want our leaders to employ an approach that decreases the likelihood of this eventuality. Going broke through a series of military blunders is the opposite of helping.

Benghazi Hint of the Day:

As for the lead up to the attack, the handling of the attack, and the spin the next day, no wrong doing has been found by any of these investigative committees.

This latest committee promises to look at security issues, which was suggested by a Dem, here. Let me save you some time and money—this one is true.  Dems tend to investigate things related to reality, which is why at the moment they have my support. This committee will find security issues and preventing the next Benghazi is the only relevant part of this Foxudrama. And the blame for security will ultimately rest with those who defunded embassy security. Hint: it rhymes with re-goblin-kings. Yes, the committee will find everything I already mentioned in my first article, two years ago, for the low, low price of 147-million tax dollars. One spoof news blogger beats every republican, every time. Three cheers for fiscal conservatism! Three cheers—wait, I’m being told Congress cut funding, so we’re down to two cheers. Bastards!

Despite the recent successes of some moderate republican candidates, I don’t believe it accurately reflects the larger political trend. The GOP will likely track further right and within a decade we will start hearing the words “radicalized republicans.” Bozo Haram? I know, I know, it’s like the time I commissioned a bust from that OCD sculptor, I’m getting a head of myself, again.

Andrew Sullivan would likely nominate my last statement for one of his over-the-top Moore Awards, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Sully doesn’t have to live in the trenches, like Arizona. Conservative types are becoming dangerously deluded. I’m predicting our future may well consist of the Clive Bundys of the world uniting, form of misinformed militias. I want a revolution too, but one based on reality. Sure I have my doubts about our future, but forgive me if I’m reluctant to climb into the bunker with the rest of the Schmuck Dynasty.

“You know this is all Obama’s fault, right? Want a can of chick peas, fella?”

I can hardly wait. Time to reiterate: I’ve never been a huge fan of the Dems, but I would rather see Michael Vick head of the ASPCA or Ray Rice head a domestic violence taskforce than see a republican president in 2016. My total liberal shift, at least vote-wise, has nothing to do with Democrats.

Ideology check: If, with the aid of a stool and the Hubble friggin’ telescope, you still can’t see some scant reflection of reality, you may be a republican.

The Foxeteers hate this president and they will likely hate the next several and, lest we forget, they’re the ones with most of the guns. You say you want a revolution?  …well, you know, we’d all love to see the Rand.

Why hate Obama? What are the specifics? All we ever get are kernels of drivel from this Scheissgiest of theirs. Do you hate the successful implementation of a version of the Romney healthcare model? Do you hate having the best economic recovery in the west? Do you hate avoiding ground wars in the Middle East?  Hint: attacking ISIS may cost another trillion, while Obamacare is thus far cutting healthcare costs. There’s nothing remotely fiscally conservative about fiscal conservatives. Someone get Paul Ryan a calculator.  Atlas Buggered?

Summary Alert: Bush’s faults were of the San Andreas variety and Obama’s of the fictional variety.

What’s most disturbing is how even our president is forced to factor in this rightwing hysteria and fantasy into his algorithms. This is part of why he’s starting to falter.  San Andreas falter? This week we find nearly one in four Foxeteers want to secede from the union, here. Nearly one quarter of the country! And this group is not going to settle down after losing more elections. They were created out of fear and propaganda as part of a rightwing ratings scheme and at this point the damage is done. I predict republicans will have several opportunities to realign themselves with reality but they will miss all of these windows.  Defenestration Nation? Sultans of Squeegee?  Sorry.

People are in the middle, Zano. They’re not as polarized as Fox and MSNBC would have us believe.

That may have once been true, but no longer. Republicans are ready for a revolution. They don’t understand or acknowledge any of the real challenges our nation faces—with the exception of islamofascism, which they overhype—and they have no idea how we got here. 2000 to 2008 has been plucked from their collective hippocampus like some political lobotomy. Electro Conservative Therapy?

Our real problems remain: The growing disparity of wealth, overpopulation, pollution, the failure to shift to sustainable communities and energies, and the perils of accelerating climate change. These will all go unnoticed until it’s too late. Oh, and wait until our radical friends start bombing mosques. That’ll help. The Blather Underground?  Bozo Haram? Did I use that one already? How about Ailes-Qaeda? No? Okay, I’ll work on that one.

Of course the left will go lefter, but I‘m cool with that. Oh no! …thoughtful social libertarians! People who don’t worship the Koch Brothers, people not as ready to placate Wall Street or invade the wrong country! People who want to at least try to save the planet. Nooooo, everything will go to pot! I wish.

Hint of the Day: big business will be just find in the 21^st century, but you won’t be.

It’s almost fanatical how today’s conservatives rail against any truths that might surface. Whack a maxim? I attended a Tea Party Express rally once, here, and yikes. Since that evening I have been patiently waiting for the inevitable collapse of the Republican Party. I called for reform for over a decade before giving up. We needed a healthy GOP to help balance the budget, to help reign in spending, to improve Obamacare. We’re getting nothing from this clunker, so it’s time for the scrap heap.

Why, during a time when the GOP may claim both chambers of congress can you talk about the right’s inevitable demise?

First off, they haven’t won anything yet. I broke from guru Nate Silver when republicans had an 85% chance to take the Senate and it is now down to 65%. Never underestimate their incompetence. Look, if you’re only pandering to white, old, angry, uneducated males, I’m afraid your future is tenuous at best. But don’t worry, so is everyone else’s. If The GOP wins the Senate it will only prolong their demise. I don’t have the patience, so I’ve used the Zano model to ensure the Dems hold on. Hint: it involves a headless chicken, burning sage, and some pin cushions.

“Political conservatives are the greatest threat to the nation.”

—President Barack Obama

This should be hyperbole, but I’m afraid it’s not. Someone immediately posted on Facebook, “How is this statement defensible?” Uh, read Zano. Just remember where you heard it first. Believe me, masses of delusionally misinformed, sociopathic citizens will eventually spell our demise; they’ll spell it wrong, of course.

“Republicans endanger civilization.”

—Nancy Pelosi

Only we can destroy ourselves. Bin Laden knew as much. If only Bush had been half as smart as that bastard.

“I know we’ve become used to this – and the press has found a way to write about the GOP as if they are not a reckless, know-nothing, post-modern fantasy machine. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remain capable of shock and anger at this pathetic excuse for a political party, at the unique idiocy of this party of the right in the Western world.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Obama has had some missteps as well as some moments of brilliance, but republicans only have one thing on the agenda, another Benghazi hearing. Hell, I never understood the first fifteen. I want to debate the perils facing our country and our planet—the one I have to live and blog on.  If republicans want to storm the Bastille—oh, wait, too French (insert your own metaphor). I don’t care what they want to do, I don’t want any part of it.

Okay, Cleetus, hand over the chick peas, but first I’m going to tell you a little story about Keynesian economics and the series of unfortunate events that led us to see if it could work.