Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Reptilican Virus Spreading in the Elderly

Mick Zano

Sure Ebola is a big problem, if you live in West Africa, but here in the good old U.S. there’s a more insidious virus infecting our populous. Conservative “thought” is now airborne and spreads through only a couple of powerful media sources. It can trigger an immediate emotional response from the more primitive centers of the brain, akin to a brain fart. The Limbaugic system?

This virus, known as Reptilicans, can attack the person’s ability to reason, shutting down the higher cognitive functions faster than a Big Gulp of Irish Moonshine. Never order that (I’m talking to you Uptown bartender with the cap). This com-murdoch-able disease has already infected everyone in the Fox Nation and its one of the greatest threats we face—worse still, it’s spilling over into my own political lap like a drunk stripper with an inner-ear infection. Never order that.

This movement is harnessing all the fear, paranoia, propaganda and bigotry in this world as it shifts the focus away from the biggest problem of our time, namely themselves. My years of Henny Penny blog rants went unnoticed so I think it’s time we all ducked. The sky is falling and a recent Pew research poll is backing some of my unsettling claims, here. It basically suggests the ongoing impetus behind our increasing polarization is republican in nature, and—surprise, surprise—it’s predominately a Fox News-driven phenomenon (FNDP). I’m afraid this trend will have a more direct link to our demise than all the jihad-stoning-nutjobs combined. Shock poll: no one shocked by this.

Where political parties come for their news
Where political parties come for their news

I guess all those jokes I’ve made about republicans not being able to connect the dots comes down to the fact…um, they only have one. Here’s Waldman’s take:

“You’ll notice that for the consistent conservatives, trust is basically a function of ideology and partisanship. The only sources that over 50% of them trust are Fox and a bunch of conservative radio hosts.”

Paul Waldman

I would argue the other 50% of conservatives can be broken out into two camps: the semi-sane and the people not really interested in stuff. The semi-engaged will always be among us, but it’s these Walkers we really need to worry about:

Boo! Sorry We Couldn’t Get This Out by Halloween.
Boo! Sorry we couldn’t get this out by Halloween. Our PhotoShopper got into some of that Big Gulp moonshine again.
Our PhotoShopper got into some of that Big Gulp moonshine again.

 “The fact that conservatives are this paranoid should be alarming enough, but it becomes even more frightening when you consider who conservatives do trust in the media. Consistent conservatives only trusted 8 media sources–compared to the 28 liberals trusted–and of the eight, only one has anything approaching respectable reporting or reliable information. And that one, the Wall Street Journal, has good straight reporting but has an op-ed page that is a train wreck of right-wing distortions and misinformation.”

Amanda Marcotte

My recent bashing of the Wall Street Journal, here. Yes, the best of their best remains a shit-show. So why is it working? How is it getting people elected? I admit that they have a rabid fan base but isn’t rabies eventually a lethal? (aka, foam at the mouth and fall the F over already, geez.)

Forging a new reality through bullshit has served them well. It’s good work if you can get it. But what does the truth about anything matter when lies are rewarded with Congressional seats? Of course, our Foxeteer friends would say the midterms were some kind of vindication, but for what? Doesn’t vindication imply being somehow vindicated? I guess not. Who knew? Are they being vindicated for a 7% approval rating in Congress? Someone may thank me someday for my insights—or not—but the only thing I’m sure about is our future selves will never thank a republican. Ever. At least not this current 21st century, batshit variety (CBV).

I am a little annoyed that Obama wouldn’t do those fireside-style chats I suggested long ago, here. He tried to stay above the fray and you can only do that for so long. Obama didn’t explain shit the way he should have, certainly in part because anything he said would have been used against him. But the negatives associated with not speaking outweighed any positives See: would-be Senator Grimes in Kentucky. I understand why that poor woman couldn’t utter the name Obama. Where she’s from that’s a bad idea. Of course, they have one of the best ACA exchanges, “Because it’s better than that there Obamacare!” And, Obama if finally attacking coal, which they apparently use to keep their lungs warm. Regardless, Obama should have shown some balls and exposed these troglodytes for what they are. Pssst, what are troglodytes again? Didn’t they do Wild Thing?

Meanwhile, post the midterms, the rest of the world is still trying to pick their collective jaws off the ground:

“Many of us Canadians are confused by the U.S. midterm elections. Consider, right now in America, corporate profits are at record highs, the country’s adding 200,000 jobs per month, unemployment is below 6%, U.S. gross national product growth is the best of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) countries. The dollar is at its strongest levels in years, the stock market is near record highs, gasoline prices are falling, there’s no inflation, interest rates are the lowest in 30 years, U.S. oil imports are declining, U.S. oil production is rapidly increasing, the deficit is rapidly declining, and the wealthy are still making astonishing amounts of money.”

A baffled Canadian (as found on The Dish)

What the rest of the world doesn’t understand is that The United States of Andromeda has seceded from this planetary system. We don’t have to live here anymore and, if the republicans do find a way to win in 2016, it will become even more painfully obvious…uh, except to them. you see, there’s that virus in their heads and it’s not going anywhere. It will pat their hand and say it’s not your fault. It wasn’t dumb wars or dumb economics that killed America, it was…

“Wielding a gun that was smuggled back into the country originally from the Fast & Furious scandal, Obamacare jumped over The White House fence and shot our economy in the head.”

—John Q. Reptilican

Remember, peeps, post that R collapse, there’s a few billion other people in the world who aren’t going to have a clue what the hell you’re talking about. With a republican president in 2016, it will be very interesting to see two parallel universes crash right into each other like sumo wrestlers with acromegaly. Never order that.

On the good side, every exchange with another world leader will become spoof news gold! I may lose my shirt, but I will not lose my dignity. Oh, I’m being told my pants are going too. Never mind. A reptilican president will have to deal with so many poor misguided folks across the globe who are still burdened with something called reality.

Dear Reptilicans,

What are you so mad about? Is it because you’re working again? Making too much money on the stock market? Is having less of your children dead or injured due to unnecessary wars too much of a burden? Is it having the greatest decrease in the deficit to GDP ratio in our nation’s history too fiscally sound for fiscal conservatives? Are recoveries really worse than depressions? Is it too distasteful allowing people to have choices that you don’t agree with in this land of the free? Or, are you mad that healthcare costs finally dropped for the first time in decades? Oh, I know…it’s because you or someone you love is now insured, right? …you know, death panels.

Who am I kidding…it’s BENNNNGHAZI!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO,

Ben G. Hazi

P.S. Whoever eventually usurps this shit-show called America is going to try to save and study the brains of reptilicans for…oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in research.

Whereas it’s true the Dems couldn’t or wouldn’t articulate their successes, this is only part of the story. The real nasty bits of this Scheissgeist involves the deliberate creation of an alternate universe—a world I am now forced to reside. Oh rapture!

So dare I drink the Kool-Aid too? Should I just relax and enjoy the show from my virtual window seat, here at the Blog at the end of the universe? Some folks are saying that with republicans running both houses of Congress it will force them to become adults. Whoever said that—uh, I can’t find the link right now—but that statement is the best argument to keep weed illegal. What are you basing this on? (cough, cough….uh, cough, Twinkie). Oh, and speaking of raptures, if the rapture occurs immediately following the next republican-caused economic collapse, and I’m stuck here, I’m going all Old Testament on a certain cloud-hanging bearded donning somna—

[Last sentence edited by GOD]

God doesn’t seem to understand the 1st Amendment either. Imagine that.

Zano’s 21 Day of Self-Imposed Ebola Isolation Deemed ‘Job Avoidance’ Stunt

Zano’s 21 Day of Self-Imposed Ebola Isolation Deemed 'Job Avoidance' Stunt

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord staffer, Mick Zano, was cleared of the Ebola virus earlier this week by a nurse he hired by the hour from Vegas. The story of his exposure to the deadly virus unraveled shortly thereafter. His 21-day isolation at McMullen’s Pub was all part of a stunt that started out as a bet—with the same nurse he hired by the hour from Vegas. Zano reported traveling to Liberia to cover a breaking story for The Daily Discord. CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, arranged for the expedition for what was billed as a story on climate change’s impact on the predatory West African mangrove. Winslow grew suspicious, however, when Zano arranged a Skype session, wherein Zano claimed to be in Sierra Leone but Winslow could clearly hear a live punk version of “Drunken Sailor” in the background.

Winslow told the press today he’s disappointed but not surprised, “He’s tried stuff like this before. You give Zano an inch and he will take a virtual mile. He tried to call in sick for a month last year, saying he contracted the avian flu from a Skynard cover band’s encore of Free Bird. He doesn’t have Ebola. He also doesn’t have a work ethic.”

Zano is suspended without pay until a thorough review can be conducted by The Discord’s Board of Directors. Winslow maintains that Zano’s future with his important spoof news blog is tenuous. Zano already had several marks on his record, not the least is a recent business expense involving a “nurse” from Vegas.

Mr. Winslow is not lifting his own self-imposed quarantine on the Cayman Islands. “I skyped with Zano only two days ago so that means have 19 days before I’m in the clear. You just can’t be too sure of these things,” said Winslow.

Zano: Inconsolable, Sobbing and Refusing to Leave Local Bar

Mick Zano

Crow is delicious. Mmmm, crow. I predicted the Dems would hang onto the Senate, or would at least make it an interesting fight. Welcome to my wrongness. I reckon’ed at least two republican candidates would self-disqualify themselves with gaffes to keep this thing tight. And, yes, ya’ll have to use words like ‘reckoned’ now. Not sure of the spelling or where that doohickey goes but don’t worry, in the face of encroaching illiteracy, I’m pushing my own Stand Your Grammar laws. But fair is fair, we must congratulate the winners—all one percent of them.

I have to admit the GOP played it smart. Search the Discord and you will never find GOP and smart in the same article, until now. But they opted for nearly no: debates, questions, or interviews. They stuck with their strengths, aka the prerecorded-attack-ad-only-model (PAAOM). Still, to be a good sport I called guru Nate Silver to congratulate him. He told me to stop calling.

Conventional wisdom suggests republicans are tacking to the center to pick candidates more electable in general elections. I call bullshit on this theory. Conventional wisdom, right or left, is an oxymoron. Sure republicans lied to gain some votes and, of course they scared the shit out of old people, but there’s no way they will govern to the center. My republican radicalization theory (RRT) remains intact. Besides, shit comes out of old people way too easily in the first place. Have you ever been to a nursing…oh, I’m being told all nursing home funding was cut.

Sure holding the Senate was an uphill battle, but did I underestimate the Fox News Effect? Hell no, in fact, this powerful force of misinformation is a large part of why I blog. I just hope the jig will eventually be up. You can’t live in an alternate universe forever (a Beautiful Blind?).

Fun Fact: an estimated 37% of the people who voted in the midterms were over 60:

“That’s a staggeringly high percentage of the vote for the over-60s. If anyone doubts the potency of Fox News’ relentless campaign to remind anyone over 50 that the world is coming undone and Obama is entirely the reason, then those numbers should be definitive.”

—Andrew Sullivan

I agree, the shit I’ve been talking about for years is “definitive”. For these midterms I was just hoping to hasten the Republican’s inevitable demise. There’s really no way forward until The GOP’s power is sufficiently diminished. Trust me on this one. Having more of these kooks around Capitol Hill is not going to help.

Cynicism Alert:

Dear Zano,

Having more republicans in office will greatly increase Discord stats.

Pierce Winslow

P.S. Oh, and no more words over two syllables, Zano. The people have articulated, I mean spokeicated. Shit.

Sure I got this one wrong but I was just trying to show some chutzpah. Wait, I’m being told republicans cut funding for chutzpah. Okay, I was showing, uh… I’m being told moxie met the chopping block, too. Please tell me they didn’t do anything to spunk! Actually, that’s okay:

“I hate spunk.”

—Lou Grant

The ambivalence of young voters did not go unnoticed in my town. But young people are never going to give a shit, the real story is what happened to our old people. Their brains—organs usually associated with something called wisdom—have been completely hijacked by the Koch Brothers. It makes me want to run into traffic screaming:

They’re Here! They’re Already Among Us! You’re Next!
They’re here! They’re already among us! You’re next! Invasion of the Brain Snatchers?
Invasion of the Brain Snatchers?

Kidding, all pods must be purchased through Monsanto and, believe you me, nothing alive is ever going to pop out of that shit. So our greatest generation will go out as pod people, nice. I’m not really mad at these frightened Foxeteers. I’m more concerned about why we have all these old scared fucks in the first place. It’s those puppet masters that I’d like to call to the carpet.

[‘Lying like a rug’ joke omitted by the editor]

Post the election the Washington Post asked: Where Did Obama Go Wrong? Sullivan thinks the article, like the entire republican paradigm, is crapola:

“For me, the most persuasive answer to the question was the botched roll-out of healthcare.gov. No one else can be blamed for this, and it hit the president’s ratings like a ten-ton truck, as well it might. October 2013 is when his disapproval rating first clearly topped the approval rating with some daylight and stayed there. And the fall of 2013 was also when he pivoted away from striking Syria – which brought a chorus of disapproval from the Washington bigwigs and, of course, the GOP.”

Andrew Sullivan

I think the whole Obama is the worst president ever premise is complete bullshit. Sure lots of people believe it, but lots of people also watch reality television. Republicans invented a bunch of scandals, the kind people should only be able to come up with where pot is legal, and then they added Obama’s failures, mostly caused by Congress obstructionism, and presto. Sullivan is saying the one thing he really botched, the rollout of the ACA, was catastrophic. I agree, but how is that possible? The worst thing for our worst president ever was delaying something republicans didn’t want anyway? …huh?

Summary Alert:

Worst Presidential Blunders:

Barack Obama  =  The rollout delay of Obamacare due to Healthcare.gov glitches. (approximately 90 days)

George W. Bush  =  Uh, I don’t have that kind of time, but suffice to say his Medicare Supplement-D program also had a delay due to website issues.

(approximately 90 days)

Dear Republicans,

Whereas Bush’s Medicare-D program was wholly unfunded and contributed to a global economic collapse, Obamacare has actually reduced the deficit.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Hey, so maybe republicans are right; we should be mad about the delayed rollout! Damn you, Obama!

I didn’t even know the actual timeline of the Bush delay thing until researching that joke…Oh, and the Medicare-D rollout thing never made Bush’s top 100 fuck ups, but don’t be Obama and try that shit.

So what the hell are you people talking about? Oh, I forgot, it doesn’t matter. The alternate reality I’ve been talking about for over a decade is sadly becoming my reality:

So now a special liberal-bashing rant for those who didn’t vote:

(I know fear is always going to be a better motivator, but you still deserve some scrutiny)

I respectfully ask that all the potheads who didn’t vote put out your joints. Likewise all the married gays should now turn in your marriage licenses. And all those millions now insured under Obamacare must drop your policies and the same goes for those covered under Medicaid expansion.

And to those last few union holdouts, good riddance. Move to a right-to-work state and in a decade you too can earn one sick day! To those fighting for clean energies, sorry you didn’t vote, but meanwhile enjoy fossil fuels. Don’t worry, you will be fossils soon enough.  For all those making minimum wage, enjoy more of that magic for years to come. But don’t worry, shit’s going to trickledown. Oh, and let’s not forget the ladies earning 85 cents on the dollar. Maybe you deserve only 75? And to all those stupid ass animals who didn’t vote, welcome to the sixth extinction. Oh, you can’t vote? Well, the rest of you could and chose not to. You didn’t vote because you didn’t think things were that bad, or that the midterms don’t matter, but what you are actually doing is allowing a group wholly detached from reality to govern.

Good luck with that.

Please Find Literate Folks to Defend the Constitution

Mick Zano

The Constitution of the Divided States of ‘Murica is akin to The Bible, in that republicans worship it despite a nearly complete inability to understand any of the meaningful bits. Thou shalt not Teabag? I believe, post 9/11, the Constitution died. Rest In Parchment? My message then, to anyone who would listen, was this: the 2008 presidential election signaled a shift from an inauguration to a coronation, so forgive me if constitutional indiscretions seem passé. Post 9/11 our checks and balances collapsed at the feet of an imperial presidency and, yes Pokey, I make no apologies for showing some relief in the fact our current monarch has an IQ above that of a turnip. I realize this is an affront to those citizens of Turnipsylvania.

The collapse of our Constitutional rights came, not at the hands of the Dems but at the hands of those constitution-lovin’-dipshits among us (CLDs), although I will admit expansions and the institutionalization of executive powers have occurred under Obama, here. There are inherent costs in having the likes of the Tea Party and Sean Hannity champion this important document, aka, I’m starting to miss it already.

Despite his modus propagandi, Hannity and his ilk would have fared much better in 1930s Germany than colonial America. Founding Faterland? I know this doesn’t register with you, Pokey, but the GOP remains the major stumbling block of our time. This phenomenon I keep covering will also be a key focus of history and will likely play heavily into our pending collapse. Future bloggers will marvel at this profound shit-show amidst the so-called Age of Information, thus my endless Comical Cyclical Redundancies (CCRs). Bad Meme rising?

I remember what my father said after 9/11, “Don’t ever bring your girlfriend back to this house! She stole all of your mother’s pain medication again!”

Wait, uh, that other thing he said after 9/11:

 “As bad a day as this was, the problem will be our response.”

—Papa Zano, September 12th, 2001 (or thereabouts)

I shared my father’s concern at the time—that chick really was bad news. But remember, Glenn Beck had some important thoughts on 9/12 as well, after he sniffed some glue. These days the difference between prophetic or pathetic comes down to your political affiliation. This is why nothing you predict will likely come to pass, Pokey. You live in an alternate political reality.

It’s funny to hear Pokey defending the Constitution when circa 2003 to 2006 he had a hard time wrapping his head around what was happening. Essentially post 9/11 Bush looked at the Bill of Rights and said, naaah. But, hey, those are only the first ten amendments of that Constitution thingie, right?

“Amendments? Who needs amendments to the Constitution? Why mess with perfection?”

—John Q. Republican

I don’t want to rehash this shit, suffice to say essentially at some point post 9/11 Bush politicized the Justice Department and soon after big bro could read your mail, your email, and listen to your phone conversations (all without a warrant). They could then pick you up, detain you without due process, torture you (abroad and then eventually here) all for the low low price of just declaring you an “enemy combatant”. No trial necessary, but on the bright side Bush eventually did learn how to say and spell “combatant” properly which does make it constitutional—ish. If that weren’t disturbing enough, there’s even evidence Cheney had secret prisons, here, and was working on a secret police.

I also remember arguing with you one night many year ago—one of our most heated arguments ever, in fact—at Ye Old College Diner in State College, PA. It happened just after Zeno’s Pub closed for the night… Fine, they threw us out. But this conversation has been pokeyphrased and the names have been changed to protect the delinquent:

Pokey: They’re not picking Americans up off the street without a warrant and torturing them.

Zano: Yes they are.

Pokey: Name one person. One person!

Zano: Jose Padilla! JOSE PADILLA!!

(A guy from Brooklyn who we now know was tortured to the point of irreversible mental illness.)

Obama: Zano’s right, we tortured some folks.

Zano: Hey, while you’re here, Mr. President, can you pick up the tab?

Obama: I think we should all share the burden equally.

Pokey: There he goes again.

Forgive me, Pokey, if I’m not as concerned about a guy elected twice on the issue of expanding healthcare coverage to more Americans and then…uh, he expands healthcare coverage to more Americans. Wrong, maybe, but comparatively?

As I’ve said before I wish the republicans had focused on the individual mandate instead of all those senseless appeals. Opportunity lost. In the 21st century there is no opportunity the Republican Party hasn’t squandered, thus the Dems lingering shot in the midterms. This should be a blow out—at least historically—but control of the Senate remains a tossup because one group remains dangerously incompetent.

Oh, and the Supremes have ruled your biggest beef with Obamacare Constitutional. I agree with you, though, it’s a stretch. Most people who own shit have to pay for garbage, or property tax or a slew of other things, but I agree asking the terminally disenfranchised to pay for their emergency room visits—well, there are plenty of alternatives. How about instead of allowing insurance companies to make one thousand percent profit, let’s knock that down a point or two? That should more than cover this relatively small tab for those poor peeps just out of the Medicaid Expansion range. Meanwhile, you say healthcare coverage is not an inalienable right, so pay the fine or sign the Zano waiver and forgo any emergency room visits. Your choice.

Pokey: What’s that I hear?

Zano: That Pokey is the sweet sound of freedom, aka, you bleeding out in the ER lobby.

Good luck with that.  What I want to see rolled back is Bush’s expansion of executive power, in particular surveillance of Americans, arrests of Americans without due process, torture, and the ability of the president to wage war without congressional approval. These are very important points. We do have a similar understanding of the Constitution, we don’t have a similar idea on the fix. You want Mr. Smith to go to Washington, only your Mr. Smith is Ted Cruz and he can’t find Washington, or his own ass with both hands. The Tea People voted for Bush, twice, and are so detached from reality that even W himself has reservations about their obstructionism, their partisanship and their approach.  Republican thought is already at the edge of the solar system so the Tea Party’s ideology is beyond our current technology’s ability to even map, or:

Oort Cloud Map
I think this is an accurate ideological map.

I know your brand’s complete descent into madness is “besides the point” but I couldn’t disagree more…well, I could but I might strain something. I don’t know how you propose to restore shit. We shredded the Constitution and the Bill Of Rights almost unanimously during a nebulous, forever War on Error. I understood even then how future leaders would likely expand, not roll back these powers. Meanwhile, your views are inherently contradictory, Pokey. You want freedom, the freedom to follow a set of specific religious tenants.

“Like religion, conservatives demand strict obedience from all members of society making it incompatible with democracy or a free society. For the past four-and-a-half years, Americans have been besieged by an axis of fundamentalist groups who exemplify anti-democratic ideology and between corporatists, evangelical fundamentalists, and conservatives, the nation risks drifting toward fascism and if not thwarted spells the end of American democracy.”

Politicus, USA

I know I’ve said this before, but I attended an official Tea Party Express rally…uh, only because I thought the bus said Tea/Espresso. Sad but true, full story here. This group is wholly incapable of getting elected and, your God help us if they do. These people have no understanding of the Constitution or recent history.

We currently have only two choices in this country, dumb and dumber, and at the moment I’ll take dumb.  I don’t think I’m giving dumb a free pass, I simply have a host of other criticisms based on reality. Sadly, these so-called libertarians on your side of the aisle are totally under the control of the super-rich. Makes sense. But that’s okay, because they think libertarians are people who like to read in that place with all the books. They’re terminally misinformed at this point and their prognosis is poor.  This is continually driven home for me after each and every news cycle.

The Constitution is a great framework, but it’s open to interpretation. It was designed to be a living document that grows with the times. That’s why our judicial system can reverse-engineer it through legalese to forever come up with a ruling that’s exactly in tune with their personal ideology. It’s not some infallible document handed down in tablet from to Noah at the top of Mount Rushmore. See? And you said I never read the Bible.

I think you missed the point when it mattered, over a decade ago. But we do need a group that emerges who can champion the restoration of the rule of law. Dems are not up for the task and our other two choices are unconscionable.