Prison pen pal, Lindsay Lohan, has encouraged Miley Cyrus to visit www.theySayIGottaGoToRehabISaidNoNoNo.org, which is a website designed to help with those crazy drunk, girls gone wild types acclimate to life on skid row. 

"It’s one heck of a transition going from the top to the bottom," said Lohan.  "These things need to be carefully planned."

When asked to elaborate, Lindsay stated, "Look, you don’t want to go all Brittany shave-my-head Spears, do you?!  There’s a good way to let your life publically slip into the abyss and a bad way to let your life publically slip into the abyss." 

Lohan went on to say, "There are classes on being a proper Hollywood child star wash-up.  Most of my demise was staged well in advance.  I couldn’t imagine being this stupid on my own."

Lindsay Lohan believes you can never start planning for these things too young.  She believes Miley has probably already waited "way too long."  Miss Lohan went on to describe a Hollywood insider story, not too dissimilar to an Advanced Directive for bimbos.  Apparently, there are even online classes to help pick out your drug of choice, your mental health diagnosis, and a slew of virtual rehabs. There’s even an entire class on ugly divorces.

"You don’t think Tiger Woods was really involved in that wild night car crash, do you?  He has people for that."

Lohan believes she has Miley’s best interest in mind, "I just don’t want her making the same mistakes I did.  Well, I do, but I want them better choreographed."

Malibu, CA—Actor and director Mel Gibson has finally admitted to the press that his depiction on the popular comedy show South Park is "dead on."  Gibson went on to explain that he really is the "crazy, ranty, racist nut job as seen on TV."  He admits he does wear Braveheart war paint around the house and he does, in fact, shit all over cartoon characters in an "eerily similar manner to those South Park episodes."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gun Shop, released this statement, "Gibson’s defecation depiction as seen on South Park may be something decidedly Freudian." 

Meanwhile, the Rant Warrior went on to say, "You’d better not print that, Winslow, or I’ll burn your fucking house down!"

God responded by saying, "Too late, asshole."

In God’s defense please see God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day".

Local animated character, Eric Cartman said several things unfit for print and then blamed his inappropriateness on a scorching case of childhood Tourette’s syndrome.

His friend Kyle Broflovski had this to say, "Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" He then added, "you bastards," for good measure.

Kenny was unavailable for comment.  This may have been due to the fact his spine was protruding from his orange trench coat.  For the record, Mel Gibson denies killing Kenny and also denies being one of "those bastards."

Hi, I’m Bernie Fredrickson. I’ve lived along the Gulf Coast my whole life and I’ve been hired by BP recently to doctor photos from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. We at BP have vowed to make the Gulf waters a little bluer, the sea fowl a little whiter, and the oil gusher a little less gusherier. Gusherier is a word, we checked with Sarah Palin. See? We spared no expense and now it’s in our mission statement, bitches.

We’re committed to help the worst oil spill in U.S. history look better and better, one pixel at a time. Bottom line, we’re going to make things right, albeit only virtually. I feel that if I can help people stop all the worrying, I’ve done my job. You’d be surprised how many times PhotoShopping living eye balls onto a dead pelican can make all the difference. Besides, think of all the seafood you can fry up without ever having to add any oil? In a recession, I call that win win! Like my CEO always says, money saved is money earned. We PhotoShopping wizards at BP are working around the clock for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to Houdini out a gazillion tar balls strewn across the beach pics of Pensacola.

Philadelphia, PA—As CEO of the Daily Discord, I usually do an apology for the horrible things our bad journalism typically unleashes on our fair communities. Instead, I would rather thank the country of N/A for consistently being first or second on our geographic visitor listing.  Also of interest, we had 953 page views from the Netherlands yesterday, which even beat the country of N/A.  But, alas, it turned out to be just one guy from Copenhagen with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  We also got one hit last week from the key search word "bestiality" (no shit), which is really a milestone for us here at the Discord, although we’re not exactly sure why.  Regardless, welcome to the fold, sick fuck! 

We would also like a big shout out to our seven friends in Iran, who are watching the goings on of our little website a little too closely.  Heh, heh.  That was nervous laughter, if you were wondering.  If you actually are tuning in from Iran (somehow) and are in no way affiliated with the tyrannical regime in power, might we suggest asking a question of our Ghetto Shaman.  He will, of course, set right to work ignoring it. Your chance of being beheaded is, like, what for such an affront to Allah?  Really, what is it?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Maybe that could be your question to the Ghetto Shaman.  Just do it!  When has he ever steered our readers wrong?

La Habra, CA—Refusing to be outdone, Octomom sent her eight children into the stratosphere today via a canoe strapped to several hundred helium balloons in the hopes of their safe arrival in London, Belgium. When it was pointed out that London wasn’t in Belgium, Octomom became irate, as she had apparently "promised them waffles."

When asked if this was done as a publicity stunt, she said, "Fuck yeah," as well as several other expletives, mostly involving swear words.

Provided most of the children survive, Octomom was promised a starring role in a reality TV show this Fall.

Octomom told the press today, "I could eat that little yachting-around-the-world bitch for lunch...Oh, and fuck Balloon Boy!"

Octomom reportedly drew the line at lighting the canoe on fire at the onset of the merry voyage.

"You have to draw the line somewhere," said Octomom.  "Otherwise those bitches from Child Protective Services are back in droves."

If you noticed there are only seven children in the canoe and not eight...ahhh, that has more to do with the PhotoShop prowess of one, Dave Atsals, than anything else. He brings LD to a whole new level. LD + comes to mind, or maybe Uber LD, or even LD² perhaps. He’s certainly our special little helper.

Los Angeles, CA—Not to be outdone, LA Laker MVP, Kobe Bryant, has decided to take a page from the LeBron James playbook.  In reaction to LeBron’s highly rated telecast "The Decision," Bryant will be announcing the city where he plans his next unwanted, lewd sex acts during a special one-hour announcement, entitled "The Indiscretion."  Bryant is planning on doing something inappropriate to someone, but he’s not saying where—at least, not until his show airs on ESPN at 8PM next Thursday.  In a whimsical fashion, Bryant explained to the press his intentions to "take his talents to some bitch."  An obvious reference to LeBron’s comment last week, "I’m taking my talents to South Beach."      

When Bryant was asked why the copycat ploy, Bryant called it "a tit for a tat."  He hopes to roll into town next week and steal some of the thunder from LeBron’s publicity stunt, as well as some unwilling snatch.

"It’s win-win," said Bryant.

Many of America’s mayors are offering the key to their cities to Bryant, along with their daughters, wives, and significant others.  Mayor Bloomberg of New York is allegedly sweetening the pot for Bryant if he chooses the Big Apple.

"This will be just like the movie Indecent Proposal," said Bloomberg.  "Only minus the proposal part."

Remember a time when the U.S. wasn’t ranked 21^st in literacy rates or gazillionth in manufacturing?  When we had the biggest empire in the world, and the tallest Empire State Building to prove it?  Well, you don’t have to!  It’s still reality for many of our ‘special’ citizens who watch Fox News as their main source of propaganda.  Why should you ever have to face the real problems of our time, when you can be programmed to ignore them?  And don’t worry, the depression will all be Obama’s fault.  Thankfully, you’ll never make that pesky connection that voting in our 39^th ranked president, twice, for the eight-years prior to our demise had any correlation whatsoever.

Greg Sully of Lincoln, NE, said, "Fox news is like the History Channel and the SyFy Channel, all rolled into one."

Mr. Sully enjoys the fear and suspense when a Democrat is in office and then the fictional security and prosperous period enjoyed when a Republican takes back command.

"And the Cylons are great too," added Sully.

There was never anything wrong with the most expensive healthcare on the globe covering increasingly fewer and fewer people.  And, as for the environment…heck, over 90% of the environment lies outside of U.S. borders, right?  Makes you think, doesn’t it?  You shouldn’t do that.  And freedom’s just another word for—I don’t know another word for freedom (I watch Fox News).  There is no substitute for freedom in the Fox lands…or Thesauruses, apparently.

Nationalism isn’t a bad thing, just the way you do it is.

Monroe, OH—Jesus identified Zeus, the supreme diety of Greek mythology, as the perpetrator responsible for torching the six-story Jesus statue last week.  Jesus was able to successfully single out the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from a police lineup, as the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from last week’s Ohio mayhem.  Although, it looks like Jesus might be pointing to bigfoot in the above picture, police assured the press that Jesus was simply, "Messing with Sasquatch." 

"He does that," said Monroe Police Chief, Jack Goldman. "Jesus is a cruel bastard when it comes right down to it.  You should have seen what he did to Nessie, just because her existence flies in the face of Biblical reason."

Zeus was given the chance to strike a plea bargain yesterday; he decided instead to strike a giant oak tree outside of the courthouse. The act immediately set the tree and a neighboring daycare center ablaze. Meanwhile, Jesus is said to be letting the justice system do its job and is refraining from going all "Old Testament on his ass."

"Better deal than Nessie got," said Chief Goldman. "I still got people mopping in there."

Washington, DC—President Obama is golfing and Vice President Biden’s mouth has been secured indefinitely in an undisclosed location until the current crisis passes.  The government is officially broken, politicians have reached absurd levels of corruption and stupidity, and the Tea Party movement is starting to look good to even sane Americans.

"We need to stop the bleeding," said White House Spokesperson, Robert Gibbs.  "We need to stop the talking too."

The White House plans to hideout, and not say anything or attempt to enact any laws for the next several months in the hopes that "it all goes away."

"This is an unprecedented presidential collapse that we haven’t seen in our lifetimes," said Sean Hannity of Fox News.

Sean was then reminded about George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and the last bit of the Clinton Administration.

Sean responded, "Well, besides them."

He then repeated the phrase "not in our lifetime" until the injectable Thorazine arrived.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid held a joint press conference earlier today to restore faith in our current political system.  (Sorry…that was the joke.) 

BP has announced that each day the Deepwater Horizon gusher is now releasing over 5,000 barrels of Guinness into the Gulf of Mexico.  BP believes the switchover from oil to Guinness happened sometime yesterday, around ‘happy hour.’  Only moments after the announcement, distributors and beer enthusiasts across the globe created several viable plans to not only cap the well, but to salvage the majority of the beer already in the Gulf.

"This turn of events has mobilized a world response like no other," said CEO Tony Hayward. "Well, at least not since the great Michelob eruption of 72."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes this discovery will radically change our understanding of prehistory.  New theories about the extinction of the dinosaurs have already surfaced.  Did the Irish kill off the dinosaurs, or at least their livers?  Even more outlandish theories involve planetary brewing systems and vast networks of ancient interstellar pubcrawlers.  Meanwhile, Dr. Hogbein’s book Chariots of the Grogs remains ignored by the archeological community.

BP is strongly advising against unauthorized attempts to plug the hole by concerned private citizens.

"And under no circumstances should anyone try to drink anything floating in the Gulf," warned Mr. Hayward.  "We have just struck Guinness and it will take several weeks before the first Guinness slicks reach shore.  This does mark the end of the fiasco and the beginning of the fiesta."

Despite the rosy picture BP is painting, critics claim this is the worst case of beer abuse in recorded history…er, well, since the Michelob eruption of 72.